Is it ok to set "conditions" for recovery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 4
Is it ok to set "conditions" for recovery?
My wife has struggled for 11 years and we have 2 beautiful children, 10 and 8. Over the years, I have found myself helpless and trying to make the best choices possible for her and the kids.
She is coming out of rehab next week Friday, her 4th stint..(3rd in the last 1 year) and when I went for a meeting with her and the Phycologist this week...I thought I had it all sorted out...mmmm but maybe not!
I tried to "assert" 1 thing and then asked for another.
I said that the kids going to after care at their school is non negotiable ( they love it their) and given that she drinks at home in the afternoon, I am no longer willing to carry the risk ( I worry from the time she starts phoning and has been drinking )...After a long chat, it was agreed but I was still amazed as it came across like I am being "controlling" and taking away her time with the kids...
The second was that I suggested she goes back to work. before the first rehab 6 years ago, she held a really good managerial job, but on since then has been "advised" in the rehab centers that she use her creativity. So she stays at home and sometimes makes crafts...the problem is, she drinks by herself at home in the afternoons....surely it may be better to be around people at a place of work...I know I am not a doctor...and I understand this is being selfish, but I think it would give her the best chance of recovery....
I'm not sure if my choice to stay and support will be the same with another "relapse"....after the last 2 rehab stints she has only last 1 and 2 weeks respectively....I want it to work soo bad, but feel like I should have a say this time?
Sorry about the rambling but the choices are soo hard and already I can see that the kids are thinking that something is not right...
So...is it ok to set conditions for a recovering alcoholic without being "controlling" and if so, any advise on how that has been done from your experiences would be oh help...
Thanks
"Not sure what to do anymore"
She is coming out of rehab next week Friday, her 4th stint..(3rd in the last 1 year) and when I went for a meeting with her and the Phycologist this week...I thought I had it all sorted out...mmmm but maybe not!
I tried to "assert" 1 thing and then asked for another.
I said that the kids going to after care at their school is non negotiable ( they love it their) and given that she drinks at home in the afternoon, I am no longer willing to carry the risk ( I worry from the time she starts phoning and has been drinking )...After a long chat, it was agreed but I was still amazed as it came across like I am being "controlling" and taking away her time with the kids...
The second was that I suggested she goes back to work. before the first rehab 6 years ago, she held a really good managerial job, but on since then has been "advised" in the rehab centers that she use her creativity. So she stays at home and sometimes makes crafts...the problem is, she drinks by herself at home in the afternoons....surely it may be better to be around people at a place of work...I know I am not a doctor...and I understand this is being selfish, but I think it would give her the best chance of recovery....
I'm not sure if my choice to stay and support will be the same with another "relapse"....after the last 2 rehab stints she has only last 1 and 2 weeks respectively....I want it to work soo bad, but feel like I should have a say this time?
Sorry about the rambling but the choices are soo hard and already I can see that the kids are thinking that something is not right...
So...is it ok to set conditions for a recovering alcoholic without being "controlling" and if so, any advise on how that has been done from your experiences would be oh help...
Thanks
"Not sure what to do anymore"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 4
Hi SansaS
At the moment predominantly after..in the past ( which led to first rehab in 2008), we had 4 cars out looking for her because she didn;t know where she was on the phone ( both kids with her)., had a phone call from school because she went through stop street....Last Monday when I rushed home for work, she didn't know where the kids were ( I went looking and they were on the beach...just down our road)?.... Sober she is a brilliant mom....unfortunately when she drinks, it's a bit different :-(
At the moment predominantly after..in the past ( which led to first rehab in 2008), we had 4 cars out looking for her because she didn;t know where she was on the phone ( both kids with her)., had a phone call from school because she went through stop street....Last Monday when I rushed home for work, she didn't know where the kids were ( I went looking and they were on the beach...just down our road)?.... Sober she is a brilliant mom....unfortunately when she drinks, it's a bit different :-(
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, MW, and welcome to SR. I think you'll find a lot of help here if you can take some time and read around the forums. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either--they're a motherlode of great info.
Regarding your question about setting "conditions"--the term we usually use around here is "boundaries." Boundaries are different from rules in that rules attempt to control someone else's behavior and generally don't work, since we really can't control anyone else. Boundaries are statements of what we ourselves will do in various scenarios. Here are some threads on that topic that you might find useful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
And this one might be helpful for you also:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
I'm glad you found us here--SR has been a tremendous force for my own growth and education, and I hope you find the same.
Keep coming back!
Regarding your question about setting "conditions"--the term we usually use around here is "boundaries." Boundaries are different from rules in that rules attempt to control someone else's behavior and generally don't work, since we really can't control anyone else. Boundaries are statements of what we ourselves will do in various scenarios. Here are some threads on that topic that you might find useful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
And this one might be helpful for you also:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
I'm glad you found us here--SR has been a tremendous force for my own growth and education, and I hope you find the same.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think one of your requests is a boundary, and the other is to control.
By all means you can set boundaries with regard to your children. You not only have a moral duty, but a legal obligation to protect them. She has relapsed 3 times in a year. This is not a controlling move it is a necessity.
As for working that to me is you trying to control the outcome here. While in your mind it may be healthier for her to seek employment it also MAY not be right now. I totally get where you are coming from, with too much time on her hands and her past behavior getting her out of the house and focusing on work could be helpful. I'm not sure I agree with you on this being as it appears she is 10 days into her 3rd try and still in the rehab.
What I do think is appropriate is a plan of her continued recovery. I do think you can set that boundary, and that it might have more promise to deliver the results you are seeking. I would have said something along the lines of 90 meetings in 90 days. I think because of the many relapses you are fully in your right to make this a condition for her to return home. Boundaries are for you remember - they aren't made to control her. You have every right to decide you won't live with an active alcoholic, and she has every right to decide she wants to drink. Neither of you have to live with it.
Have you expressed your boundary and consequence if she drinks again?
By all means you can set boundaries with regard to your children. You not only have a moral duty, but a legal obligation to protect them. She has relapsed 3 times in a year. This is not a controlling move it is a necessity.
As for working that to me is you trying to control the outcome here. While in your mind it may be healthier for her to seek employment it also MAY not be right now. I totally get where you are coming from, with too much time on her hands and her past behavior getting her out of the house and focusing on work could be helpful. I'm not sure I agree with you on this being as it appears she is 10 days into her 3rd try and still in the rehab.
What I do think is appropriate is a plan of her continued recovery. I do think you can set that boundary, and that it might have more promise to deliver the results you are seeking. I would have said something along the lines of 90 meetings in 90 days. I think because of the many relapses you are fully in your right to make this a condition for her to return home. Boundaries are for you remember - they aren't made to control her. You have every right to decide you won't live with an active alcoholic, and she has every right to decide she wants to drink. Neither of you have to live with it.
Have you expressed your boundary and consequence if she drinks again?
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 122
It does seem to me that contributing to the marriage financially is a fair boundary. It's not right for one partner to be sitting around doing nothing but drinking while the other works. But how she does it is up to her.
If I were you, though, the most important boundary to set is what will happen if she drinks again.
If I were you, though, the most important boundary to set is what will happen if she drinks again.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Mark!
Welcome to SR!
I think keeping the kids in their routine is safe and wise. If the folks working with you two on her discharge see that as controlling mommy time, then they are overly focused on the addict and not the family as a whole system. And I wouldn't be afraid to call them out on it if you are on wrapping up #4 rehab. You are a semi-pro now aren't you?
Financially does the family need her income or are you trying to be sure her drinking hours are filled?
So many come out of rehab and told to do 90 x 90. My H only made maybe 30 before he hated his temporary sponsor and all of the awful stories had him worked up. To give him credit, he really did try a bunch of different meetings, but never found his niche. He quit.
Being codependent, I flipped out thinking this meant he'd be back drinking within days. But he didn't relapse.
My H worked on all kinds of house projects, took over cleaning, took over cooking, and took over the grocery shopping and then did a part time job with manual labor too. He said he felt better staying active. He eventually secured full time professional work. But just recently he took a second manual job at night. He cannot sit still very well, so he said, 'I might as well get paid to putter.'
So I think you need to consider why she needs to get a job. My H does best keeping busy. He is 26 mo sober.
I'm attaching a document that might help you think about a written family agreement. So if she relapses, you just pull it out and stick with whatever is agreed upon.
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/d...eagreement.pdf
All the best.
Welcome to SR!
I think keeping the kids in their routine is safe and wise. If the folks working with you two on her discharge see that as controlling mommy time, then they are overly focused on the addict and not the family as a whole system. And I wouldn't be afraid to call them out on it if you are on wrapping up #4 rehab. You are a semi-pro now aren't you?
Financially does the family need her income or are you trying to be sure her drinking hours are filled?
So many come out of rehab and told to do 90 x 90. My H only made maybe 30 before he hated his temporary sponsor and all of the awful stories had him worked up. To give him credit, he really did try a bunch of different meetings, but never found his niche. He quit.
Being codependent, I flipped out thinking this meant he'd be back drinking within days. But he didn't relapse.
My H worked on all kinds of house projects, took over cleaning, took over cooking, and took over the grocery shopping and then did a part time job with manual labor too. He said he felt better staying active. He eventually secured full time professional work. But just recently he took a second manual job at night. He cannot sit still very well, so he said, 'I might as well get paid to putter.'
So I think you need to consider why she needs to get a job. My H does best keeping busy. He is 26 mo sober.
I'm attaching a document that might help you think about a written family agreement. So if she relapses, you just pull it out and stick with whatever is agreed upon.
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/d...eagreement.pdf
All the best.
Last edited by CodeJob; 06-20-2015 at 05:15 AM. Reason: Grammar
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
"I think keeping the kids in their routine is safe and wise. If the folks working with you two on her discharge see that as controlling mommy time, then they are overly focused on the addict and not the family as a whole system."
That's the problem with most rehabs. And that's the reason most end up relapsing. The addict remains self focused and selfish. It's still all about them and they family takes the back seat again. She has commitments and responsibilities. Her past actions have let people know that she is irresponsible and out of control. Rather than having the humility to realize this and try and earn the trust of her family, she becomes arrogant and pulls the "control" card which is the voice of an addict, not a willing family member.
Set boundaries with her and stick to them. The court sets them, therapist set them, the rehab sets them. It's nothing harsh. She lives within the structure that healthy people set down or she lives with the consequences. Protecting your children is the priority.
That's the problem with most rehabs. And that's the reason most end up relapsing. The addict remains self focused and selfish. It's still all about them and they family takes the back seat again. She has commitments and responsibilities. Her past actions have let people know that she is irresponsible and out of control. Rather than having the humility to realize this and try and earn the trust of her family, she becomes arrogant and pulls the "control" card which is the voice of an addict, not a willing family member.
Set boundaries with her and stick to them. The court sets them, therapist set them, the rehab sets them. It's nothing harsh. She lives within the structure that healthy people set down or she lives with the consequences. Protecting your children is the priority.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've gotten such good feedback here already, I can't think of anything to add. I think the after-school care for the kids is totally reasonable and sensible. If she stays sober, she will have MORE than enough time to spend doing nice things with the kids, when she can really be PRESENT for them.
As for the job, I suspect it WOULD be better for her to be working out of the house, but that's something she needs to decide for herself, I think. That strikes me as treading a little too far over to her side of the street. You can certainly make a suggestion, or offer encouragement in that direction--I think a change of scenery might be good, and just being around other people can be healthy--it sounds as if she has been a bit isolated, which is what a lot of us alcoholics tend to do. It's too difficult to be around other people. But pushing that comfort zone out a bit can be very liberating, and bring back the feeling that there are things in life worth staying sober for.
As for the job, I suspect it WOULD be better for her to be working out of the house, but that's something she needs to decide for herself, I think. That strikes me as treading a little too far over to her side of the street. You can certainly make a suggestion, or offer encouragement in that direction--I think a change of scenery might be good, and just being around other people can be healthy--it sounds as if she has been a bit isolated, which is what a lot of us alcoholics tend to do. It's too difficult to be around other people. But pushing that comfort zone out a bit can be very liberating, and bring back the feeling that there are things in life worth staying sober for.
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