thotful

It was only a few years ago that I started working on boundaries (it was news to me when my counselor first mentioned it). I feel like I am re-learning or training me so MANY things I should have had growing up. It's like i have to make up for lost ground. It's hard...but worth it.

I grew up with black-and-white thinking and will fall back into it sometimes. My marriage is either bad or good - I think in extremes - when things aren't going well I envision worst possible scenarios - when things go well I go the other direction. It's like I have a broken compass - am I facing North, West, South, or East - what direction do I want to go? How far? etc.

I've been so lax about boundaries for so long, that I've created a major contrast currently to break free - I've been like a giant WALL coming up with anything I perceive as abuse. It's like my force with it is me telling myself, hey, I'm serious...no more tolerating of this stuff. So, it's like a pendulum swing.

For example, my wife and I don't agree about how much time I should spend working in her garden. I'm ok with yard work (mow lawn, pick up trash, etc), but we're on opposite ends with gardening. She has at least a dozen raised beds plus hanging flower pots, plus a section of our lawn for a tree/bush garden etc. I would be OK with just a few flower pots. It's hours upon hours of work and we don't see eye to eye on it. I hope to find an equilibrium over time.

What seems to be working better for me is to be clear that I will help her with what I can, but that I will not let her gardening interests to over-take things that matter to me. I'm in a steel-pan band, I am working on recovery (attend meetings), have volunteer work, and I like to play video games. At the same time, I'm trying to not squelch out her completely. At this time she is pregnant with our 1st child and is at home and my income from my work financially provides for our family. For example, I worked for two hours helping her weed and I stated that I would go inside to have some me time (I played a new game of mine for 45 min-1 hour).

If I get ahead of myself, I could play games for hours on end. If I try to please her too much, I could work outside for hours on end as well. I'm trying to find a balance of time and energy for US, ME, and WIFE. I think we need our separate space, but also a shared space for both of us.

I hate feeling like I can't look to my parents relationship for guidance or direction. Or...is it really that I haven't in SOOO LONG started to take guidance from an internal compass within me? That I'm afraid to follow that and afraid of making a mistake. That I'm unsure?

Hmmm...

I guess I'll just keep working the steps, counseling, writing on this forum and working for progress and accepting a lack of perfection.

How about others? What's your experience with working on your boundaries? (my FOO wanted me to set the law down with my wife and her "manipulation" when they had WAYYY more manipulation directed at me - they probably didn't realize that if I worked on that stuff - it would play out in EVERY relationship in my life - that I would start setting boundaries with them as well - it doesn't matter if it's my mother, wife, brother, etc - I won't tolerate abuse - I'm trying to find myself, be myself, and strive for something better).

tromboneliness

We admitted we were powerless over [someone else's] gardening and that our lives had become unmanageable.



T

ajarlson

Wow thotful. I totally get where you're coming from - I was lucky enough to find a partner that has excellent parents in every respect. He's so emotionally healthy that it hurts sometimes (jk). He knows exactly how to balance his me time with his us time - when we first started dating he told me "Wednesdays are boys nights, if we're going to date you need to know that". I was HURT! At first. Then, I wasn't. And I found that a night to myself was pretty excellent even in the midst of new found love. I am constantly working on boundaries and expectations - it's good you are too and if your wife is emotionally healthy she should "get it". Good luck to you.

Kialua

Yes and I add to that "someone else's book collecting" thanks!

Stung

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power. Honestly, when I'm unsure about something then I don't make a decision. "When in doubt, don't." When I feel like I need a little guidance, the easiest and healthiest place for me to turn is to al-anon friends or therapist - my sponsor recently moved away :'(. (That is regarding relationship stuff. I talk to normie friends about regular day to day stuff.) Having someone in program share their experience, strength and hope with me is usually all I need to feel a little more secure in my place in the world.

Working boundaries is really uncomfortable for me. I am being patient with myself as I learn how to better navigate the difference between being an a-hole versus gently making decisions that are best for me. With my RAH that is especially difficult since we are already accustomed to doing things ass-backwards and dysfunctional. The other side of that coin is my RAH building and exploring boundaries for himself too. When he told me that he was going to go to sleep 5 minutes into the first episode of True Detective I was like "No way! We just started to watch this!" But he went to sleep anyway even though he knew I was going to be a little perturbed. That show is a little freaky and I'm easily spooked and I wanted him to watch it with me, and he agreed to watch it with me 5 minutes earlier. His boundary was that he was tired and was going to go to sleep when he felt like it...whether I liked it or not. Boundaries are sometimes exercised in subtle ways.

ajarlson

I actually realized this week that I, too, have swung to the extreme over insults and slights and the like. My half brother (who I was never close to) has always been rude to people he perceives as less perfect than himself. He insulted my fiance on Facebook - open post - I deleted the comment and unfriended him. I still wonder if I should have sent him a message after deleting the comment, tried to talk to him... but my fiance who does not have these boundary issues (and knows my history) said - unfriend the jerk. So I'm still relying on others as to what boundaries are appropriate.