Solarion

Is it common for people to get sober and then finally end a relationship that they would have ended long ago if they hadn't been drinking?

I think that's in my future sometime, but I had better not go into details because I don't believe I have any privacy in the place where I work or the town where I live.

So general thoughts based on experience in this area would be appreciated.

Thanks!

amazeme

I've been sober 18 days and newly single for 11. I had no choice but to break up with my ex bc I couldn't handle both challenges of strengthening our relationship and working on me personally. Some people can tho, maybe you are one of them, I just chose to focus on being sober. I mean granted, we were on the outs anyway...broke up every other week it seemed and our communication was inconsistent. I also realized the only time I really wanted to talk to him was while I was tipsy or on the verge. When not drinking, our conversation was very basic. No substance or depth. I held on to him as long as I did bc I didn't want to be single/lonely but all that became inevitable. I had to let it go and things are becoming more clear each day. If you don't want to break up with your mate now, at least take some time for yourself, just to think. The answer will come or better yet, maybe you already know what you have to do.

Weasel1966

Hey S..... I think being sober allows me to feel like my value means more to me than the way I had been treating myself. Not only did my relationship come under scrutiny for its value but my friends, the place I lived, the place I worked.

I think it's common when we get sober to need love differently or want to feel love differently.

My heart goes out to you as this sort of thing is never easy. But being drunk and staying in something because we cannot help ourselves otherwise is worse.

Stay sober. Make yourself whole. Find love where love feels right.

All my best to you!

Ken

want2feelGood

I am 4 days sober and 4 days trying to break up with my alcoholic boyfriend. I am hurting very bad. Im trying to stay strong and healthy for myself. He will never stop drinking so I know if I truly want to get sober, I cant be with him and it makes me very sad. We drink then fight terribly then forget all about it then next day. Start all over again next day. On weekends we wake up, drink mimosas, then beer at lunch, then shots around dinner then fight then passout. Thats are weekends, not fun!! And I just realized from AmazeMe post, when we are sober, our time together is weird, shallow, no substance too. He is 49 yrs. old. Lives above his favorite bars. Total bachelor and I know he cant provide the future I want. We never talk about future plans, etc because we are always drunk or hungover, or dont want to get so deep. This has been 2 years now!! I'm so desperately trying to leave him and its so hard, but I'm finding its easier as I sober up and get a clear head. Does anyone know of a relationship breakup forum to join to help us?

Ruby2

Solarion, I don't know how common it is but it does happen. I think that once the fog clears we are finally seeing the relationship for what it is. Sometimes it isn't pretty. But I can see better what to do now that I'm not running to escape the pain and nonsense.

Be well.

Anna

Well, in general, I think we drink in order to not deal with what's going on in our lives. And, sometimes, one of the problems is the relationship. So when sobriety comes, so do all the things that we avoided dealing with.

For me, I went through all kinds of emotions regarding my relationship. It took awhile for me to reach a place of balance in my relationship which came with my recovery journey. I guess I'm just saying you don't have to make any decisions right now, unless you want to.

Soberwolf

Well my gf left me before i stopped (which im really glad she did)

I was told in no certain terms that dont phone me il phone you

It was me who was messing up no one else

Ps i won her back & now kiss her feet before going bed sometimes as i worship the ground she walks on

Della1968

My ex and I broke up before I got sober but now that I am sober and looking back it wasn't the best relationship for either of us. So if it hadn't happened before it most definitely probably would have happened after. Now I am super picky about what I want and deserve and will most likely end up a crazy cat lady.

Berrybean

It can go either way. Maybe you will get sober and have better insight and strength that you can use to improve the relationship. Maybe you will realise that you've outgrown the person and they are unwilling / unable to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

I know that for me, as my perception of things shifted, I was able to see myself of less of a victim of how things were going, and be more firm about my expectations. I am now also a lot easier to live with. I have also realised that expecting people to stay 'wonderful' is unrealistic, and I can accept when my partner is a bit of a d**k sometimes, just like he does when I am.

It all depends on the relationship and what the issues are, and how much you want it to work I suppose.

I suppose there's only one way to find out. What will be will be and all that x

LucindaVanPelt

You give me hope Soberwolf. My partner left me because he couldn't take my secret drinking anymore, how it made me stupid and boring and effectively blocked him out. I miss him terribly and I'm very lonely.

I've only been sober a couple of days. (I'm one of those high-functioning alcoholics who go for a few weeks just fine and then, blammo.) Sometimes I think I fear having lost him forever more giving up drinking. Maybe that sort of back-to-front thinking is typical in the very early stages. I have no idea yet.

Aellyce

I ended a relationship (of a few years) around the 3-4 mark of my sobriety. It wasn't anything sudden, we worked through our feelings, goals, perspectives, desires etc together for quite a while (even before I got sober) before making the decision. I never regretted it. It was a good relationship, although very definitely did not get to experience its max potential, mostly due to my drinking I think, but also in part her unresolved issues.

What I can tell you now, more than a year later, is that there is still definitely unfinished business in both of our minds regarding the past and how it was resolved. Part of this is probably simply just that we are still attracted to each-other in some ways, but also, I think we could use some good follow-up discussion and exchanging the ways we see what happened, in the present. Some real closure with a bit of more objective distance vision. I think this will happen sooner or later for us, but I by no means want to revive the relationship as such.

My suggestion is that you take a honest approach and communicate your feelings and thoughts with your partner, and similarly listen to theirs. Of course this assuming that you do have a relationship that allows open communication.

PurpleKnight

Alcohol definitely numbed my feelings and emotions when it came to life, when the haze finally lifted I discovered all these new feelings I hadn't experienced in years, I had new ideas, opinions, emotions etc.

Sobriety can be a journey of discovering once again who we are and when it comes to relationships, jobs, life things may have gone unaddressed for years as a result of alcohol!!

MythOfSisyphus

Getting sober can be like waking up or even being reborn. It's not uncommon to finally see the truth of your life and how it's going, and act on that knowledge to fix things. Sometimes you realize that booze was the only thing keeping in a relationship. Sometimes the other person is also a drunk and leave you when you stop drinking.

In any event a lot of things will change.

Solarion

Thank you all for responding. Your replies have been helpful.

Mark1014

I have known for a long long time that the relationship I have is troubled. I don't know if my drinking added to, or was the result of, the situation. Both I guess.

There is an Eagles song that has lyrics about singing for the sake of the song that pretty much captures the situation at present. Yet there are children involved that benefit more than I hurt. My perspective is still evolving in this ninth month of sobriety and my hope and desire is for the classic happy ending.

There will come a time of clarity, I'm just not sure when. So for now I focus on maintaining sobriety while in the back of my mind I know the days come and go.

Wishing you all the best.