Meraviglioso

I am really having a hard time with a particular situation revolving around a newfound friendship.
In my almost 10 years here in Italy I have never, not even once had a friendship. I have had a relationship with the father of my children and currently have an amazing boyfriend, but I have never had a girlfriend. I keep in touch with my best friend in the US and my relationship with her is so sati flying and fulfilling but it is very difficult not having someone here with me who can see and experience my life as it really is.
I have finally found that woman! She is amazing in every way and I just adore her. Strangely enough she has a daughter almost my age, but we just get on so well. I can call her for anything, depend on her, talk to her about anything, all the things that are shared in a real friendship. We are nearly exact copies of one another…. including the drinking.
And that, of course, is where the problem starts. I can stay sober for days and days and weeks, and then I pass by the bar/market in my village to pick something (non alcoholic) up and there she is and I can't resist stopping my exhausting and stressful day for a moment to chat and laugh with her and there the glass of wine is, in my hand. We can easily have 4 or 5 glasses in a sitting, often at 11 or 12 in the morning.
God, I am so sad to even type this out but I really think if I want to have a solid go at sobriety I need to not see her. I'm devastated, I literally have no one else.

Debbie329

I moved back to my old hometown after 20 years ...the people that I used to know are no longer appropriate .......they never were. My gf's are in other states......I talk to them frequently. I'd rather have no friends than the wrong friends.

Hawkeye13

What about you take a proactive stance and ask to meet her for espresso and pastry,
or to take a walk, or to go do some other alcohol-free activity?

If you don't sit down at the cafe, you aren't tempted.
IF she wants to drink, tell her you aren't for health reasons or whatever,
and that you don't want to be in drinking situations at the moment.

As your sobriety grows, you may find it won't tempt you anymore.
I can go to alcohol-soaked parties now and drink my kombocha or tea
with no worries, but that took a good year of sobriety.

Meraviglioso

She knows about my drinking problem- as well as hers- and also comes from a family of alcoholics. She is a lush through and through, as is her daughter. They don't suffer, they don't care, they don't want to change. I respect that, to each his own. I DO want to change though.

Out of curiosity Hawkeye, I keep seeing this Kombocha word. What is that? People seem to like it!

Charlie117926

Its tough Mera. I have life long friends that i drank with. I miss them but i still hang out with them just not as much and each time i do, i follow suit (drink). Being social is part of me and something i struggle with. I haven't found that close non drinking friend yet but i am searching. Glad to see you back friend.

Anna

Maybe this new friend has come into your life to help push you to make a decision about sobriety. You said she does not intend to stop drinking and you do, so it seems to me you will have to make a tough decision if you do decide to stop drinking. Perhaps her presence in your life is guiding you to make that tough decision. Yes, you might lose her friendship, but you might be able to live a sober life.

readerbaby71

Even if she continues to drink, I agree with Hawkeye that making plans to get an espresso during the day would be a good idea. I have really good friends who still go to bars and drink, and we just make other kinds of plans now. I've made it clear to them that I can't do that any more for my own mental and physical health. If she's a good friend she'll understand. It's hard, I know.

ArtFriend

Oh man that stinks! You find a soul mate that you can relate to and booze gets in the way. Can you be around her and not drink? Have you tried it? I dunno...that is a tough one.

Hawkeye13

I love the stuff and plan to start making it at home--
there is a tiny bit of alcohol some say in it, but I don't find it triggering at all
and my digestion benefits greatly as well as my taste buds--very yummy

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kombucha

Meraviglioso

Hmm, I will have to try this. I have a tea I LOVE, it is made by Clipper and is called, appropriately, "Detox" It is delicious and now that it is summer I make a bit pot and chill it in the fridge. Otherwise I drink a crazy intense sparkling water called "Brio Rosso" (here in Italy) it is super duper effervescent. I add a slice of lime and a ton of mint from my garden. Delicious.

zjw

I can relate to some degree I hve no friends at all locally. and its pretty lonely after a while.

But When i first sobered up i had a great friend he also drank like a fish but we got along fine even tho he'd drink and i'd sit there with my water or what not. he actually sobered up then too at least for a time I"m not sure now as we no longer speak because of issues I had with his wife it stinks I lost a great friend simply because i cant get along with his wife. Oh well.

me? i just keep hoping i'll find another good local friend. I try and understand that these things come and go its normal.

Meraviglioso

It IS really lonely, isn't it? I've always been very social and have had a ton of acquaintances, but only ever a very small and select group of friends. As such I get on ok, so-so, here without friends but occasionally I really suffer from this lack of friendship. I went to the US over Christmas and stayed for a month. I stayed a bit with my mom, some with my dad and then a long time with my best friend and her new, amazing boyfriend who I met for the first time. He was so cool with our friendship and often left us for hours to just lay around on the couch watching pointless television, randomly chatting, munching on snacks… all the things that great friends do. I miss her so.

Jillian2563

I agree with hawkeye as well on finding other activities together if you don't want to lose her friendship. Have you tried telling her? She may be understanding!

I know how it is. No friends here either. Just my exhausting husband and son and step son.

Lola23

Hi Mera - I'm with you on this one. I actually haven't moved or anything but I really can't hang out with my friends as I just don't feel stable enough to be at a bar and not drink. I have tried doing the "lets get coffee" thing but to be honest, it hasn't been successful...people don't seem interested (which may say a lot about our perceived "friendship" but I digress...)

You don't mention whether you've tried any support groups like AA or any of other other recovery programs out there. I'm sure there are some in Italy. It has been really helpful to me in meeting some "sober" acquaintances and I've felt a lot less lonely since I've been going. So far, mostly I've just gotten together with people before meetings, but we don't just talk about "being sober"...its just like a regular new friendship!

I never believed a year ago that I would be suggesting this to someone but it has helped tremendously. Would that be an option for you?