PippiLngstockng

My divorce was finalized last week. He has the house and 5/6th of the money. I have the four children. The court-ordered psychiatrist is writing his report saying that paternal visits are 'iffy' (havent read it yet, this is just what he told me) and I should keep full custody.

I threw Xah out of the house for his binge drinking and scary, abusive behavior back in October 2012. He tried to get back in but he refused to get help for his drinking and he was lying and manipulating and unstable. I was traumatized and cut off any unnecessary contact.

Somehow deep down I thought he'd clean up his act because I know he really loves the children. But instead he just turned his family and many of our mutual friends against me to protect himself and his reputation. The lies are horrid. He paints himself as the victim and says that I lied so I could keep the children and my 'luxurious lifestyle in Europe'.

So I stayed in Europe. Where I have my own friends, work, and a tiny little apartment for the children and I.

I've had rich, attractive boyfriends this past year. I look pretty darned decent for my age and I'm winning athletic competitions, traveling, growing. I'm mastering the art of managing the household entirely on my own, gradually earning more money and I'm learning that I can rely on myself and my instincts.

I've recently broken up with my last boyfriend because I am starting to want something more than fun escapades. I want to leave open the possibility of meeting someone who I can have a deeper, trusting relationship with. I am rediscovering my sense of integrity. I want an honest life. I am proud of myself. I am getting strong!

My children are doing pretty great and I am overjoyed to watch them develop into these incredibly thoughtful, responsible, honest people. They look out for one another. Lately family dinners and outtings have been a joy. They laugh and share interesting observations and care for one another. They are now all four completely bilingual and bicultural, excelling in a tough school system and also in their extracurriculars...

And it is because we are doing so well that I feel so sad! How could their father choose this life for himself where he only talks to the children for maybe a few minutes one day a week? How could he have spent well over $100,000 on attorney fees to try to keep us from most of his large income and assetts?

I recently broke NC to write him a letter telling him what the children need from him as their father. I did it to satisfy my own need to take care of my responsibility as their mother. I told him and now he has the information. Whether he chooses to ignore it ( he will) or not is his business.

It is what I figured would happen with the divorce. He'd drop further into the background. He has. My children could still use an active father, especially my two middle children. They tell me. But we are healing and growing and better no father and a peaceful stable home than what we had before.

But in seeing that other attractive, youngish, brilliant men can love me...I guess I have proven to myself that my ex-husband could have still found me attractive and lovable, too.

And in watching the children be so magical, I can't imagine how he can't want to do more for them.

And so I am left feeling sad. And the quiet on his side, the lack of response to my letter, the phone calls that don't come from him, the competitions and graduations and birthdays he doesn't attend or notice....this silence is peaceful. And bittersweet. We will grow and flourish without him. But his absence sometimes hurts.

redatlanta

And this is exemplary of what so many find in a contentious divorce. It was never about the kids it, was about the money. The divorce finishes and the A-hole doesn't even bother with the custody he fought and dragged the family through. His intent was always to screw you financially I am sure you know that. Kids get caught in the wreckage? I'm sure he has already rationalized that in his head.

While I understand the pain of an absentee father in truth it is good news that he has little to do with you all. He is still an active alcoholic.

Its curious that you only ended up with 5/6 of the marital assets with 4 kids and 18 years of marriage. That seems way off as most states split it right down the middle. Perhaps a prenup was involved. For as long as your divorced dragged and for as much money as you say he has I am really surprised his legal costs were only 100k. My client who has been through the same type divorce just ended with a 500k bill and her ex who was way more difficult 1m.

You sound happy, healthy, and moving along well in life. Congrats and happy to hear it.

Ruby2

You sound like you and your children are flourishing. You made it through and are stronger for it. I haven't posted on family and friends in a very long time but I do remember you from when I did. You sound at peace. But I understand the bittersweet feelings. Your life is going on without him in a healthier direction. He's been left behind. at some point in your life and marriage, you had hopes that your life would be as peaceful, happy and productive as it is now but that it would be together, as a couple. You are now seeing these marvelous changes, but alone. Keep close to what you have accomplished. He's missing out. It's OK to be sad. Take it for what it is and keep growing.

I'm not divorced but I can understand. My husband isn't present to see what great little people our kids are. If, and when, we divorce, I'll be feeling the same way. Hugs. I think you're great

SparkleKitty

Pippi, you WERE abandoned, but it happened long time before you got divorced.

hopeful4

Pippi, you have definitely had a rough road of it. I am glad you are officially divorced. My X loves his kids, as much as he can actually love anyone other than himself. He is a narcissist and will always put himself first, and it sounds like your X is the same. It's really sad to see what they do to themselves, and to their children.

My heart is with you. Keep up the good you are doing for you and your kids!

XXX

CodeJob

Hello Pippi,

I am glad you are doing well. Remember the best way to engage with a NPD is to not. Writing the letter you actually sent him gave him a pretty accurate manifesto of what's important to you.

firebolt

Glad to hear things are well on the homefront, Pippi. I think missing him and sadness about "what could have been" is natural. Hell, we spend most of the relationship with an A banking on what could be. You seem to be moving past it - so glad for that. Keep up the good work!

Praying

Pippi, I'm so happy for you. And I understand the bittersweet- yes, it's right that he's gone. Truly better for all. If he did more I think it'd be so sporadic and unreliable that it would hurt the kids more. I have similar longings, but I realize it's for "the father I wish they had", not for the man who is.

As for the letter... I'm a HUGE proponent of absolutely NC with a narcissist. However, once I was very "in the clear" regarding my own emotions with XAH, I sent a similar letter. I've done it one more time since then.

When the kids are adults and ask questions and he blames me, I can ask them if they'd like to read my letters. I think it may help keep their reality intact when he starts his garbage.

I'm glad you're doing so well!!!

LifeRecovery

Pippi-

I agree with everyone else above.

Though a part of me was ready for the divorce, once it was complete a final another level of feelings surfaced. I don't know if it was because it felt safe to feel again, and to really sit with it (without further implications to the divorce). People had cautioned me that this might happen, and for me it really did.

I had a different/deeper round of grief surface with the official divorce. I just wanted to normalize that experience if it might be a part of yours.

amy55

Pippi,

I agree with everyone else, he abandoned you and his children way long ago.

Congrats on your divorce. Don't ever feel bad that he is not the father you wanted for your children. He did leave a long time ago. Actually the less time he is with them will probably be for the better.

Don't know if it is proper, but Happy Divorce.

amy

PippiLngstockng

THANK YOU SR angels!!! You're experience and perspective make a big difference to me!!! It is unfortunate that we've lived through such hard times, but it is great to get stronger and wiser and more able to manage this crazy thing called life. So glad that I found you and grateful that you are there!!!

hopeful4

Pippi, it's amazing what we can persevere through when forced to, and come out richer in life. Maybe not in finances, however much richer in relationships and well being.

Hugs to you. I am glad you are here too!!!!!