I know I'm codependent ...but...

Old 06-16-2015, 10:11 PM
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I know I'm codependent ...but...

Ok I'm seeking some understanding into the behaviour of an alcoholic...please don't laugh...
My elderly mother is a high functioning alcoholic. She has had numerous emotional blow ups at me all my life.
The final time I saw her (last year) I told her is a calm and gentle way...that "as soon as everyone in the family starts accepting responsibility for their contribution to the dysfunction of our family the sooner the healing can begin". To put it simple...she freakin lost it on me...except this time it was in front of company. Usually her emotional abuse occurs behind closed doors . She then plays the victim and I am once again the scapegoat. Everything she does to me is deniable except this time.. (Whew)
When this situation occurred...I remained calm..let her finish her rant and we went to my place. She then asked me to call my son to come pick her up. I did...my son has now been triangulated !!!
Waiting for my sons arrival I treated her respectfully, told her I loved her...3x and when my son arrived...told her I loved her again. She then left . I have not spoken to her since...we have exchanged Christmas gifts and on Mother's Day I sent her a nuetral happy Mother's Day email. Recently she had a birthday...we sent her flowers...she received the flowers...
She has yet to respond to either the Mother's Day wish or the birthday flowers.
Now my entire family all have issues with alcohol ...multi -generational. My husband and I are non-drinkers. We may have a glass of wine on a special occasion To toast with, but that's about it.
I guess the issue I'm having is trying to figure out or come to terms with the behaviour ! I just don't get it??? Can someone please explain it to me? Thanks a bunch
Just want to add I do go to alanon...as I know I need help...I just need some clarification as to what is going on and how others my have handled similar situations. Thanks again..
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Old 06-17-2015, 01:19 AM
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Hi! Welcome to the forum. Sounds like you spoke of the elephant in the room. In a dysfunctional family you are never to do that. Your mom is mad. It's typical. She is probably waiting for you to come crawling back apologizing. In a dysfunctional family system we all have roles to play to continue the dysfunction. You changed that and she is angry.

In a family like that they don't want change.
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Old 06-17-2015, 09:01 AM
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Thank you "happy being me " so if that's the case...and she is angry so be it...her feelings are her feelings and are her responsibility ...correct ? That being the case...I am strictly responsible only for my feelings and behaviour.
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Old 06-17-2015, 09:39 AM
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Happybeingme-you are spot on. Dysfunctional and sick families never like a defector-I've played that role and they tried to just smash me bc why? I told the truth about them-how dare I do something like that!! Lol. Greatful to not live in that hot mess of toxicity with my ex and his family.
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Old 06-17-2015, 10:12 AM
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Hi Kallioya... my mom is also an alcoholic. I came to SR because of my xabf, but it helped open my eyes to my immediate family's drinking issues as well. Dealing with my xabf has proven to be easier than dealing with my mother's drinking. It carries a special sort of guilt and anger doesn't it...?
I have no advice; I live with my mom. Her onslaughts are more passive-aggressive, but they are getting worse as time goes on. All I can do is work towards moving out.
I think our work as codependents is more about just letting them be. Saying in a calm voice that 'all in the family need to take responsibility and work on themselves' was great! If only I had the guts to say something like that; I imagine I would get conflict over it just like you did. However, I also know that saying it once is enough because it won't change anything. Her drinking is her business. I am not responsible for it. I cannot change it. I cannot affect it.
I can love her at the distance that keeps me emotionally sane and well....
(((hugs))))
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Old 06-17-2015, 10:30 AM
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Yes. Her feelings are hers. She doesn't like it too bad. You can only take care of yourself. Just because she birthed you doesn't mean you have a life long debt to pay
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