Butterfly

I think I'm avoiding my feelings and looking at why I behaved the way I did recently with old friend, which I have completely messed up!!

I got so caught up in the excitement of something new, not feeling numb and all the negative thoughts that go round my head like a merry go round, although there is nothing merry about them!! When he suddenly changed his mind after a few kisses I completely freaked out and my thoughts went into overdrive, what did I do wrong? I must have done something for things to change so suddenly? See ex a was right I'm not worthy of love and being cared for and treated with respect!!

This was a guy who texted constantly, flirted, told me he could handle anything I threw at him when I explained I was messed up. Then suddenly he changes his mind!! Although he said he wanted to be friends his attitude changed and I believed It was my fault. I felt he didn't want to be friends and may have been messing with my head!! I know it was all over a short space of time. I've deleted all his messages and I will not contact him if he is genuine about being friends then he will have to show me, don't think it will happen though!!

I began apologising for everything I could think of that I might have done wrong, I wanted reassurance that I hadn't done anything wrong that he still wanted me in his life, that he meant what he said about how he could handle whatever I threw at him. I became obsessed with wanting to,know why he changed his mind, (exactly what. I did with ex a) whether he really wanted to be friends and that I hadn't done anything wrong. Part of me unconsciously may have been testing him to see how much he could handle or pushing him away??

I think for me I've been avoiding my real feelings, taking a break from reality and just wanting everything to go away and for once to feel normal, happy, wanted and loved. Yeah I know I was looking in the wrong place!!

It's my wedding anniversary this week, we would have been married 18 years, together 19 years and I don't want to have to deal with it all. A lot of things have come up, memories I'd blocked and I honestly don't feel I'm strong enough to cope with them, I just keep shutting them out and focusing on what I did with the old friend and how I messed it all up cos of my insecurities and paranoia. I am really embarrassed by my behaviour!!

No wonder ex a and this old friend ran for the hills, I don't like being me why would I expect them to want to be around me!!

Sorry this is kinda all over the place I don't really know where my heads at except confused!!

SparkleKitty

We can avoid feelings for awhile, but not forever. They don't go away, they just lay in wait. Better out than in, I always say.

Butterfly, what can we do today that will help you want to be around you just a little more more than you did yesterday? What do you like to do? What is something you are good at and proud of?

This thing you are going through has no magic pill. It is going to take time. Every time you let that horrible negative voice inside you tell you that you are not good enough, you stop moving forward.

You can rehash what happened with your old friend until the cows come home, but it won't change that it happened, and it does not make you unworthy of love and respect, it doesn't make you terrible person, it makes you a human being who made some unhealthy choices.

Just like every other person on these boards have done at some point or another.

I have rushed into relationships even as I professed to not be ready. I have secretly hoped that this Next One would be the one that healed me even when I knew that I was the only one who could do that. I behaved embarrassingly and did and said things I regret. And here I am now, promising you that all of those things I did carry no more weight for me today than what I had for lunch on my birthday twenty years ago. I know you feel embarrassed and like you are never going to get past it, but you have to find some faith that you can, and you will, if only you would decide it is okay to do so.

I learned from those experiences and then let them go. Not overnight. Not quickly.

I don't really think you are confused. I think confused is what we call ourselves when what we wish was reality does not align with what we know is reality but cannot accept yet.

Butterfly

Thank you sparklekitty. I think I've accepted that ex a left to drink that's his choice and how he wants to live his life, it wouldn't be my choice or what I wanted but that's up to him.

I guess it's harder to break codie behaviour than I thought, this constant apologising for things I haven't done or may have done, trying to fix things when i didn't do anything, yes my behaviour after his attitude changed was my fault and I've apologised for that profusely and believing words before I see whether actions follow and saying/doing things that I'm not ready for just in case the other person stops liking me!!

feel that my thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up and I can't make sense of them!

I take responsibility for everything and lay the blame firmly at my door!!

What am I doing for myself well I've a few days off and I am meeting a friend, on my anniversary I'm getting my hair done and going out for dinner with another friend. I don't feel like it but I will force myself, I've also started going to the gym well once but plan on going again as soon as my muscles stop aching!!!!

iGirl66

((((Hugs)))
My dear one, what you are is terribly human. You are doing the best you can with what you have. There is obviously lots more healing to do and it may come with many tears, but you will do it because you are worth it. It will take time and work. Not forever, not to your mental destruction. It can be done. We have allllllll been there. I've always wished I could have a time turner like Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter books. Oh, the things I would not have said, places I'd never have gone near and people I'd have avoided like the plague!

This friend and your ex have their own issues. Mr "I can handle anything" may have just been spouting a bit of bravado, but deep down he's as scared as the next human. Your ex was/is an ass. Nothing of YOURS is THEIRS to handle. Neither is it their place to judge and asses your worthiness. Love, protection, respect and space and your inner and outer beauty are your birthright by virtue of the breath in your lungs. God gave it and only he can judge and I'm no great theologian, but from what I read, He judges you perfect.

Embarrassing? Sweetie, go back and read my Duckygirl post about flipping out on my ex, his counselor, his mom and some poor git who had the bad luck to answer the phone at the rehab when I found out he had a girlfriend there. All in the space of 45min I ripped through these people like my tounge was Excalibur. A real personal best when weighed against my other dubious achievements. I. was so humiliated that I lost it and looked every bit the nutcase I'm sure he said I was. But today I couldn't give a crap in a hat. I've learned. I'm not all that I want to be yet, but I'm not what I was.

Baby steps. Don't take one day at a time if that's too much. Take it one hour at a time or even 30 min at a time. I've had to do this lots. Some days I could get in 30 min without some negative thought cropping up, but being aware let me squash it fast with a prayer or affrimation. Try this one, each time a negative thought about yourself pops up immediately say " yes, I feel this pain, thank you God for healing this pain" or "I makes mistakes, but I'm not a mistake". I start thanking God for healthy, whole whoever is coming into my life. It takes practice and determination, but it can be done. ((((Hugs))))

daydreamer0217

oh hell hon, one time I begged him not to leave the house. I literally begged. but you know what? it was what it was. when we know better we do better. I will not beat myself up for it. I am so much stronger. I actually turned it around on myself and tried to make light of it. Buddha believes that in the shadows is when you find the most light. so even in your darkest of days, there is something to be thankful for. I know it is hard

Butterfly

Thank you girl and daydreamer.

I girl, I read your post and your response was completely understandable and I behaved similarly with ex a. I need to get over it, I've done what I've done I can't change it but I can learn from it. I just need to focus on me!!

I begged my ex a for months to come home not my proudest moments!!!

Butterfly

[QUOTE=iGirl66;5424966]((((Hugs)))

Nothing of YOURS is THEIRS to handle.

your absolutely right but if people want to be in my life then they need to be able to accept me for who I am and where I am at this minute. I understand that not everyone will want to or be bothered..

happybeingme

Butterfly. That is the way it is with life. Some people will like us for who we are and some won't. That's it. We needn't wear masks or have personas. We just need to be ourselves. Those who can't or won't accept us we need to just let them go.

AnvilheadII

and you need to accept OTHERS AS THEY ARE. it's a two way street.

CodeJob

Butterfly,

Have you seriously started working with a therapist as much as your insurance will allow? I am concerned you are so jumbled that you really need someone invested in you face to face to help you forward.

It is a process, but I think your posts over time have shown a bit of stuck in the same pattern. I think you have mentioned you have OCD issues and I suspect this 'jumbled thoughts' you describe regularly could be a component that is more intense for you than a normal codependent person. You may be exhausting yourself and describing thought patterns that are not just normal codependency but heightened due to your OCD.

Please be sure you pull in every resource you can for your recovery. You deserve to feel at peace and well - in your mind.

Butterfly

Anvil I do accept people for who they are but I struggle with understanding behaviours!!!

SparkleKitty

I think in order to really and truly accept someone else you have to let go of understanding them completely, B.

I will never understand why my mother chooses to live her life on a couch, in front of a TV, missing the alcohol she gave up years ago. I will never understand why she chooses isolation instead of reaching out to family and friends. But I can absolutely accept that this is her choice. I can accept that this is who she is. I don't have to understand her to accept her.

Butterfly

Thank you happy and codejob.

Codejob my counsellor left for personal reasons a few months back and they didn't have anyone to replace her with I've just received a phone call to say a new counsellor will be available in the next 2 weeks. We don't have health insurance here in the UK and our counselling services are abissmal. The service is through a church but I still pay for it but at a reduced rate as its a charity.

I obsess over my thoughts and trying to understand other people's behaviour and why they behave the way they do why they say things when they have no intention of following through. I have difficulty letting go and thinking well if they want to behave like that that's up to them and letting it be. I have no issue with looking within myself as I look to my own behaviour and try to lay the blame on me. That I can understand but then I apologise for everything even if I'm not to blame!!!!

I really do feel as though I am losing my mind sometimes.

Butterfly

Thanks sparklekitty, I accept that my ex a has made the choices he made, I don't understand and I have given up trying to understand it causes me more distress.

With this new guy I jumped in feet first, didn't listen to my gut as I didn't know if I could trust it. I so wanted everything he said to me to be true, now I feel foolish and embarrassed. I will not be contacting him again for whatever reason he changed his attitude, even before my texts wanting to know why and apologising.

I can't believe I fell for a load of nonsense again so quickly!!

LexieCat

You really can't expect to be "all better" right away. You've sort of been in your own little world while you were dealing with your ex, and it takes time to adjust to the atmosphere when you land on a different planet.

All you really need to take from this is the knowledge that you will need some time to adjust, observe, and grow before you can trust your instincts and judgments. Which is a good reason to move slowly and use caution for a while. You won't be stuck here forever.

Relationships can be nice, and fun, but you don't NEED one immediately after extricating yourself from the last one. Make friends, maybe set yourself a "no dating" rule for a year or so. See how you feel at the end of that time. I know that for me, just taking dating OFF the table for a while worked similarly to taking drinking OFF the table when I was newly sober. Make it not an option and you won't have to struggle with "should I or shouldn't I."

You'll be a different, more confident woman in a year, and you can see how you feel then.

Just a suggestion.

Butterfly

Thanks Lexie I hadn't planned on dating at all at least until I felt better in myself and I knew that would take time and a lot of patience. I'm not even divorced yet and I honestly believe that is what I need to be able to fully let go of my ex a and begin moving forward. As its the summer and there has been a delay in my pension estimate it's unlikely to proceed until after the summer, divorce courts close, but I hope to still be able to proceed with the mediation once I have my pension estimate at least that way I will feel that I'm on my way to divorce!!!