sauerkraut

Hi,
As someone trying to help my husband get sober, I am moved by how much you all support one another, and I wish I could get him to join you.

Would you mind sharing what, in your experience, friends and family can do to help someone get on the road to recovery? What worked for you, and what didn't? Or did you find that it was up to you, a personal choice, that others couldn't or didn't influence?

Thank you--

dwtbd

I think it is a personal choice, a point in time when a decision is made. A rock solid decision with no wiggle room, no more self intoxication. I had hundreds of " I know I should"s and " I really want to want to be done" before I meant it and decided to "stick to it , for good".
In the book I read, Rational Recovery The New Cure for Substance Addiction, there was a section for family, it may help to bring a different perspective on what the "road to recovery" looks like or can be.
Wish you well

freshstart57

I suggest you find the Rational Recovery website, and look at the tab for Friends and Family. My parents have no knowledge of rational recovery, but I now understand that their approach to my alcohol addiction matched this one very closely. It was empowering rather than limiting, and it seemed to be the right message for me. Maybe you will find it helpful too.

Axiom

SMART has a workbook for friends and family you can order offline. I am not sure how helpful it will be if he is not ready to change though. However, I have spoken to people who have quit because their spouse made them and later found that they wanted to be sober for themselves.

"Designed for people affected by the addictive behavior of a loved one, this 138 page Handbook contains 14 sections with a wide range of topics including: Change and Motivation, Positive Communication, Healthy Boundaries, Safety and Support, Coping with Lapses, Disable the Enabling, Trust and Forgiveness "

sauerkraut

Hi all,
Thank you so much for those suggestions. I have read the SMART family workbook as well as Beyond Addiction and GYLOS, but I guess a review is in order. I will check out the RR website, and Rational Recovery. Thank you very much; I appreciate your insights.

JeffreyAK

I guess looking back, getting more chances even though I didn't do anything different from the previous times I said I was going to quit and succeed, and being believed when I said I hadn't drank and had no alcohol in the house even though the previous times I said that I had probably lied. Conversely, friends and family drawing boundaries and sticking to them, so I knew there was no way back to the way things had been, with me drinking and them ignoring or even enabling it. Those things helped me reach the decision point, the final one that stuck, but at the end of the day the addict has to make that decision.

sauerkraut

Thank you, Jeffrey. It sounds like you're saying it helped that people had faith and trust in you, even when your efforts had failed in the past.

It is very challenging for me to find the line between believing and trusting my husband without continuing to enable or tolerate the (drinking) status quo, but I see your point that doing so (having faith regardless of the past) would be helpful to him.

I keep hearing that alcoholism is a progressive disease, yet it seem like what you're saying is that sobriety can be a progressive state, too.

Thanks.

JeffreyAK

Yes, I understand, addicts can be famous liars, telling the same old story time after time. The challenge is, eventually - if the person is ever going to recover - it will be true this time, and that can be the time the person needs the most support. I don't know if there's "an" answer, but being trusted when you finally do mean it is important, otherwise it's very easy to slip into "f'it, I can't do anything right anyways, might as well just keep drinking".

Gottalife

There were people who covered for me, made excuses for me, bailed me out, put up with my behaviour.

Then there was a second group who fired me, rejected me, ended relationships, banned me from their houses, refused to cover for me, stopped associating with me.

The first group ennabled me to keep drinking and nearly killed me with their kindness. The second group saved my life.

sauerkraut

FreshStart57 thank you so much for your suggestion. I just read almost everything on the RR website, and, just like in your case with your family, I find that it dovetails with my instinct when it comes to my husband's behavior. So helpful--thank you very much.

sauerkraut

Ditto, GottaLife; I think you're also recommending a zero tolerance approach. I really appreciate the recommendation from someone who has been there. Thank you.

Gottalife

Hi sauerkraut,
I should mention that the actions of the people around me, in my case, saved my life, and that is great. Sometimes people dont survive, no matter what the people that care about them do. It is important to remember that this is an illness which you did not cause, nor can you cure it or prevent it taking its course no matter how much you would like to. You are not responsible for the outcome.

My experience illustrates that I was not willing to do anything for as long as I could get away with it. Those that realy helped me put me in a seemingly hopeless state where I appeared to have no friends left, and no options left but to get help.

Another person in that hopeless state might choose to carry on to the end. There is no predicting the outcome, but it does seem that in most cases and enabling approach will not help the alcoholic.