Staying on my side of the fence! ?
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Staying on my side of the fence! ?
My xabf and I have never not been in contact, though I have extremely limited it at times. He recently resolved to get sober while deployed and is going on around day 23 or so...? Anyway, out of the blue I get a message about how he is up for such and such in military lingo that I didn't understand. I asked what it all meant... Turns out they are deciding whether or not to kick him out or not. WOW!!! Now, I knew he had messed up, but wow... I had no idea that was going on for him. I think in one of his AA meetings there was some prompt for him to come clean about things he had done and so he decided to right a few wrongs that he had lied about and unfortunately, the truth did not go over well, and this is the result!
I get that his mistakes from drinking are his consequences to bare. I get that my business is on my side of the street. (I only told him that I was sorry he is so stressed.... no advice, no lecture, no in depth inquiry...) But in the back of my mind I keep thinking... if he gets kicked out, I'm sure he'll pick up a drink again to deal with this monumental event.' I mean, the military is a very honorable job, but it is just a job. It does not mean he can't move on from this. But if he gets kicked out, and he does in deed begin to drink again over this... I mean, come on... 23 days sober and then this big pile of poop? I just don't see it. I will have to put more space and most likely go NC and just say goodbye altogether... omg, I am totally future trippin and worrying... dang it! and then I'll have to work through the inevitable guilt I will feel for leaving him at his lowest.
Why do we always get to be the "bad guy" for having to make choices like this?????
Breathe.....
I get that his mistakes from drinking are his consequences to bare. I get that my business is on my side of the street. (I only told him that I was sorry he is so stressed.... no advice, no lecture, no in depth inquiry...) But in the back of my mind I keep thinking... if he gets kicked out, I'm sure he'll pick up a drink again to deal with this monumental event.' I mean, the military is a very honorable job, but it is just a job. It does not mean he can't move on from this. But if he gets kicked out, and he does in deed begin to drink again over this... I mean, come on... 23 days sober and then this big pile of poop? I just don't see it. I will have to put more space and most likely go NC and just say goodbye altogether... omg, I am totally future trippin and worrying... dang it! and then I'll have to work through the inevitable guilt I will feel for leaving him at his lowest.
Why do we always get to be the "bad guy" for having to make choices like this?????
Breathe.....
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Hi Lemongirl,
I was the bad guy too when I didn't go to the hospital for my guy, he dumped me over it but in a way I was done too, I just so didn't want to be. I didn't want to be but I had to be. When the disease starts knocking and actually gets into my house (he came here in black out) then I had to say no. They are unable to face their consequences and if I give in that says it's okay and it is simply not!
I thought he'd get sober again and we'd reunite but he reacted and involved a OW. Deal breaker. Today I saw him for the first time since May 10 and spoke after 32 days of NC.
I didn't break NC but I had to take a client to his sober living and he heard me laughing and was standing in front of me within minutes.
I was cold as ice but miss him more then I can explain but he violated something very sacred to me, I don't have a clue how to trust again.
Anyway this is my rant/story but I hope you are feeling good and you aren't the bad guy. The disease wants all and when we say no, we create space for our recovery and theirs. That's what I'm trying to do, it's very difficult.
Blessings
I was the bad guy too when I didn't go to the hospital for my guy, he dumped me over it but in a way I was done too, I just so didn't want to be. I didn't want to be but I had to be. When the disease starts knocking and actually gets into my house (he came here in black out) then I had to say no. They are unable to face their consequences and if I give in that says it's okay and it is simply not!
I thought he'd get sober again and we'd reunite but he reacted and involved a OW. Deal breaker. Today I saw him for the first time since May 10 and spoke after 32 days of NC.
I didn't break NC but I had to take a client to his sober living and he heard me laughing and was standing in front of me within minutes.
I was cold as ice but miss him more then I can explain but he violated something very sacred to me, I don't have a clue how to trust again.
Anyway this is my rant/story but I hope you are feeling good and you aren't the bad guy. The disease wants all and when we say no, we create space for our recovery and theirs. That's what I'm trying to do, it's very difficult.
Blessings
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I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed, LG, but sometimes the consequences of our actions are delayed--that's what he's going through. Maybe he'll stay sober, maybe he won't. You can't influence it.
Whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Read Maybear's thread about things happening for a reason. I know it sucks not KNOWING what's going to happen, but work on (pray for) trust that whatever happens, you will be OK. Heck, all of this "problem" of his could go away and he could STILL pick up a drink. Recovering alcoholics don't get a pass on life happening just because they are trying to get sober. I had a sewer back up that flooded my entire basement, destroying treasured possessions, on my fourth day sober. I was loopy, for sure, but I didn't drink over it. I got through it. He can get through this, too, if he wants to badly enough, and if he uses the support of the guys in his group.
Hugs, keep breathing. And try not to live in the "what ifs."
Whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Read Maybear's thread about things happening for a reason. I know it sucks not KNOWING what's going to happen, but work on (pray for) trust that whatever happens, you will be OK. Heck, all of this "problem" of his could go away and he could STILL pick up a drink. Recovering alcoholics don't get a pass on life happening just because they are trying to get sober. I had a sewer back up that flooded my entire basement, destroying treasured possessions, on my fourth day sober. I was loopy, for sure, but I didn't drink over it. I got through it. He can get through this, too, if he wants to badly enough, and if he uses the support of the guys in his group.
Hugs, keep breathing. And try not to live in the "what ifs."
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In my experience A's don't have to have a reason to drink. If he is going excuse his drinking with a "faux" reason to he can do it for a celebration excuse (I told the military the things I've done and they don't care! Bottoms up!) or for a bad excuse (I'm getting kicked out of the military, I need a drink). Or just because its Tuesday. See my point here?
I think lots of people think once the A puts down the booze that is the hardest part. We all know its not - the recovery process is. He chose to come clean. While it appears that is going to cause some problems for him dealing with the mess he caused while being a drunk, it is part of the exercise. In my life experience when one door has closed another has opened far wider with way more opportunity. Sometimes that process is painful, and scary. Faith in HP is what gets me through it.
I hope he will continue forward and deal with these unpleasant things while maintaining his sobriety. Life is long, there are other bad things (worse things) that will happen along the way. Now is the time for him to learn how to deal with these things without reaching for a drink.
I think lots of people think once the A puts down the booze that is the hardest part. We all know its not - the recovery process is. He chose to come clean. While it appears that is going to cause some problems for him dealing with the mess he caused while being a drunk, it is part of the exercise. In my life experience when one door has closed another has opened far wider with way more opportunity. Sometimes that process is painful, and scary. Faith in HP is what gets me through it.
I hope he will continue forward and deal with these unpleasant things while maintaining his sobriety. Life is long, there are other bad things (worse things) that will happen along the way. Now is the time for him to learn how to deal with these things without reaching for a drink.
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It's a choice. There are always going to be things that happen in life. People will die, jobs will be lost, sickness, etc. all sorts of hardships. Someone who is truly in recovery will not drink during those times. Others will use them as an excuse to relapse or pick up again. Ultimately, it is completely on him.
Continue on your own course and be well. Tight hugs.
Continue on your own course and be well. Tight hugs.
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Hi Lemon Girl! Whatever is going to happen, will happen regardless. Please don't blame yourself for ANYTHING! If he gets kicked out and turns to the bottle, that is in NO way, shape or form "your" problem!! It sounds like you've always been there for him... sometimes we need to walk away and do US... not because we don't care or love that person... but because we need to put ourselves first and worry about number one!!
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Something happens "to" every addict when they are abstaining. A few months into sobriety my RAH's best friend died. The financial fallout he created crushed us in stages over years, not all at once. He's/we're STILL dealing with it actually & will for years to come. Work has been difficult for him to find & the discs in his back have degenerated so that he pretty much has pain 24/7 now. All of it could become a reason to drink at anytime. And like Red said, it's Tuesday, there's a good reason too. 
I do wonder how you are worried about "leaving him when he's at his lowest" when he's already your Ex? Just having contact doesn't imply a relationship..... I think that's what you REALLY have to work out mentally here.... is he truly an EX or did you really have a deeply rooted expectation of him getting his crap together & returning to you, sober? (no need to answer here, but the duality of those statements really caught my attention, both can't be true... )
I do wonder how you are worried about "leaving him when he's at his lowest" when he's already your Ex? Just having contact doesn't imply a relationship..... I think that's what you REALLY have to work out mentally here.... is he truly an EX or did you really have a deeply rooted expectation of him getting his crap together & returning to you, sober? (no need to answer here, but the duality of those statements really caught my attention, both can't be true... )
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[QUOTE=LexieCat;5424222] Recovering alcoholics don't get a pass on life happening just because they are trying to get sober. QUOTE]
Wow LexiCat,
I thought they did, I've being giving them all kind of passes for years! I don't know if they manipulated me into it, I just wanted to do anything I could to see someone get sober or what my motives were but they have been so off the hook from me.
I can't imagine holding them to a regular standard, I don't even think I know what a regular standard is.
Thanks LexiCat
Wow LexiCat,
I thought they did, I've being giving them all kind of passes for years! I don't know if they manipulated me into it, I just wanted to do anything I could to see someone get sober or what my motives were but they have been so off the hook from me.
I can't imagine holding them to a regular standard, I don't even think I know what a regular standard is.
Thanks LexiCat
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Why do we always get to be the "bad guy" for having to make choices like this?????
if HE chooses to drink over this, you choosing not to be around and possibly cut off contact isn't YOU kicking when he's down....it's you leaving when he's stupid.
he IS your ex.....you are under zero obligation to stay in touch. you choose to do that. and as such you are privvy to information that sets your hair on fire. sort of borrowing his drama.
kaylee, you said
I can't imagine holding them to a regular standard, I don't even think I know what a regular standard is.
it's the SAME standard for every able bodied person. you suit up, show up and don't drink. if you have a job, you go to it, daily. if you don't have a job, you get one. if your finances are a mess, you plan how to fix them. if you lost your license, you buy a bus pass to get around. if you have a family, wife and/or kids, you provide for them and protect them. if you are in a recovery program, you attend as often as possible. you work with other struggling alcoholics.
basically, you act like a grown up.
if HE chooses to drink over this, you choosing not to be around and possibly cut off contact isn't YOU kicking when he's down....it's you leaving when he's stupid.
he IS your ex.....you are under zero obligation to stay in touch. you choose to do that. and as such you are privvy to information that sets your hair on fire. sort of borrowing his drama.
kaylee, you said
I can't imagine holding them to a regular standard, I don't even think I know what a regular standard is.
it's the SAME standard for every able bodied person. you suit up, show up and don't drink. if you have a job, you go to it, daily. if you don't have a job, you get one. if your finances are a mess, you plan how to fix them. if you lost your license, you buy a bus pass to get around. if you have a family, wife and/or kids, you provide for them and protect them. if you are in a recovery program, you attend as often as possible. you work with other struggling alcoholics.
basically, you act like a grown up.
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Originally Posted by kayleezen 
Hi Lemongirl,
I was the bad guy too when I didn't go to the hospital for my guy, he dumped me over it but in a way I was done too, I just so didn't want to be. I didn't want to be but I had to be. When the disease starts knocking and actually gets into my house (he came here in black out) then I had to say no. They are unable to face their consequences and if I give in that says it's okay and it is simply not!
I thought he'd get sober again and we'd reunite but he reacted and involved a OW. Deal breaker. Today I saw him for the first time since May 10 and spoke after 32 days of NC.
I didn't break NC but I had to take a client to his sober living and he heard me laughing and was standing in front of me within minutes.
I was cold as ice but miss him more then I can explain but he violated something very sacred to me, I don't have a clue how to trust again.
Anyway this is my rant/story but I hope you are feeling good and you aren't the bad guy. The disease wants all and when we say no, we create space for our recovery and theirs. That's what I'm trying to do, it's very difficult.
Blessings
I was the bad guy too when I didn't go to the hospital for my guy, he dumped me over it but in a way I was done too, I just so didn't want to be. I didn't want to be but I had to be. When the disease starts knocking and actually gets into my house (he came here in black out) then I had to say no. They are unable to face their consequences and if I give in that says it's okay and it is simply not!
I thought he'd get sober again and we'd reunite but he reacted and involved a OW. Deal breaker. Today I saw him for the first time since May 10 and spoke after 32 days of NC.
I didn't break NC but I had to take a client to his sober living and he heard me laughing and was standing in front of me within minutes.
I was cold as ice but miss him more then I can explain but he violated something very sacred to me, I don't have a clue how to trust again.
Anyway this is my rant/story but I hope you are feeling good and you aren't the bad guy. The disease wants all and when we say no, we create space for our recovery and theirs. That's what I'm trying to do, it's very difficult.
Blessings
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed, LG, but sometimes the consequences of our actions are delayed--that's what he's going through. Maybe he'll stay sober, maybe he won't. You can't influence it.
Whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Read Maybear's thread about things happening for a reason. I know it sucks not KNOWING what's going to happen, but work on (pray for) trust that whatever happens, you will be OK. Heck, all of this "problem" of his could go away and he could STILL pick up a drink. Recovering alcoholics don't get a pass on life happening just because they are trying to get sober. I had a sewer back up that flooded my entire basement, destroying treasured possessions, on my fourth day sober. I was loopy, for sure, but I didn't drink over it. I got through it. He can get through this, too, if he wants to badly enough, and if he uses the support of the guys in his group.
Hugs, keep breathing. And try not to live in the "what ifs."
Whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Read Maybear's thread about things happening for a reason. I know it sucks not KNOWING what's going to happen, but work on (pray for) trust that whatever happens, you will be OK. Heck, all of this "problem" of his could go away and he could STILL pick up a drink. Recovering alcoholics don't get a pass on life happening just because they are trying to get sober. I had a sewer back up that flooded my entire basement, destroying treasured possessions, on my fourth day sober. I was loopy, for sure, but I didn't drink over it. I got through it. He can get through this, too, if he wants to badly enough, and if he uses the support of the guys in his group.
Hugs, keep breathing. And try not to live in the "what ifs."
I did read Maybear's thread too. It's a cool thread =)
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
In my experience A's don't have to have a reason to drink. If he is going excuse his drinking with a "faux" reason to he can do it for a celebration excuse (I told the military the things I've done and they don't care! Bottoms up!) or for a bad excuse (I'm getting kicked out of the military, I need a drink). Or just because its Tuesday. See my point here?
I think lots of people think once the A puts down the booze that is the hardest part. We all know its not - the recovery process is. He chose to come clean. While it appears that is going to cause some problems for him dealing with the mess he caused while being a drunk, it is part of the exercise. In my life experience when one door has closed another has opened far wider with way more opportunity. Sometimes that process is painful, and scary. Faith in HP is what gets me through it.
I hope he will continue forward and deal with these unpleasant things while maintaining his sobriety. Life is long, there are other bad things (worse things) that will happen along the way. Now is the time for him to learn how to deal with these things without reaching for a drink.
I think lots of people think once the A puts down the booze that is the hardest part. We all know its not - the recovery process is. He chose to come clean. While it appears that is going to cause some problems for him dealing with the mess he caused while being a drunk, it is part of the exercise. In my life experience when one door has closed another has opened far wider with way more opportunity. Sometimes that process is painful, and scary. Faith in HP is what gets me through it.
I hope he will continue forward and deal with these unpleasant things while maintaining his sobriety. Life is long, there are other bad things (worse things) that will happen along the way. Now is the time for him to learn how to deal with these things without reaching for a drink.
OH YEAH! Thanx for the reminder!!! It could be anything... life is life is life... and it'll keep happening that way, drink or no drink. It is all about choices.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
It's a choice. There are always going to be things that happen in life. People will die, jobs will be lost, sickness, etc. all sorts of hardships. Someone who is truly in recovery will not drink during those times. Others will use them as an excuse to relapse or pick up again. Ultimately, it is completely on him.
Continue on your own course and be well. Tight hugs.
Continue on your own course and be well. Tight hugs.
Right! Kinda like my mom's excess in drinking over her husband passing away 2 years ago. She is an alcoholic and uses this as here "excuse".
What's crazy is that as a codependent I think I have actually rationalized the excessive drinking right along with the qualifiers in my life. They have these pretty "big" reasons, and so I just sort of agreed and did the whole "oh, you poor thing..." Now if THAT isn't enabling?!?!? Wow! Eye opener!
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Originally Posted by Hopeless1978
Hi Lemon Girl! Whatever is going to happen, will happen regardless. Please don't blame yourself for ANYTHING! If he gets kicked out and turns to the bottle, that is in NO way, shape or form "your" problem!! It sounds like you've always been there for him... sometimes we need to walk away and do US... not because we don't care or love that person... but because we need to put ourselves first and worry about number one!!
Hello =) You are so right that is NOT my problem.. nor my fault... nor my responsibility...
Actually, I have not been there for him like this before. I have found myself in similar situations with other relationships in the past, however. There is a huge sense of guilt and responsibility we codependents often feel for our loved ones... especially the ones that are troubled because they scream out "I can't do this!" and many of them are narcissistic in nature and also demand "What are YOU going to do about MY problem?!" This time my eyes are open. I am still working on things though.... obviously! Lol
My xabf has never really displayed either of these behaviors, however. Still, I anticipate him being upset and viewing me as abandoning him if I do end up walking away if he chooses to drink again.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Something happens "to" every addict when they are abstaining. A few months into sobriety my RAH's best friend died. The financial fallout he created crushed us in stages over years, not all at once. He's/we're STILL dealing with it actually & will for years to come. Work has been difficult for him to find & the discs in his back have degenerated so that he pretty much has pain 24/7 now. All of it could become a reason to drink at anytime. And like Red said, it's Tuesday, there's a good reason too.
I do wonder how you are worried about "leaving him when he's at his lowest" when he's already your Ex? Just having contact doesn't imply a relationship..... I think that's what you REALLY have to work out mentally here.... is he truly an EX or did you really have a deeply rooted expectation of him getting his crap together & returning to you, sober? (no need to answer here, but the duality of those statements really caught my attention, both can't be true... )
I do wonder how you are worried about "leaving him when he's at his lowest" when he's already your Ex? Just having contact doesn't imply a relationship..... I think that's what you REALLY have to work out mentally here.... is he truly an EX or did you really have a deeply rooted expectation of him getting his crap together & returning to you, sober? (no need to answer here, but the duality of those statements really caught my attention, both can't be true... )
sorry FS... I do still keep in touch with him. He knows I love him; I know he loves me. Actually, it's more like being in limbo if you want to know the context of this relationship. I am comfortable being where I am because it has allowed me to keep my space, work on myself, and let him go slowly... His recent resolve to get sober happened much after I left him; it happened in his own time, for his own reasons. Part of my codie worries are having to let people go. If he returns to drinking, I'm pretty much done having him as a friend and will go NC. That is what I actually meant by the "leaving him at his lowest." I do not anticipate jumping right back into a relationship with him when he returns this fall. I'd like to get to know him on a sober level for a long while before or if we ever return to a full relationship. trust me, I have gotten flack from other SR readers on my stance with him, and yes I am defensive about it. (I only recently have been able to admit that!) I understand what complications there are for me in this, but it has been okay. When I am ready, I will be ready.... But just the same, thank you for your concern =)
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Why do we always get to be the "bad guy" for having to make choices like this?????
if HE chooses to drink over this, you choosing not to be around and possibly cut off contact isn't YOU kicking when he's down....it's you leaving when he's stupid.
if HE chooses to drink over this, you choosing not to be around and possibly cut off contact isn't YOU kicking when he's down....it's you leaving when he's stupid.
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Gotcha. I didn't go back & read about your history for context, I just thought it was a subconscious slip. Like how sometimes I don't really *know* how I'm feeling about something until I hear myself say it.
It's totally up to you to define your relationship, trust me, I know. No judgment here.
It's totally up to you to define your relationship, trust me, I know. No judgment here.
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Hi Lemon!! I hope you're feeling better today! I also appreciate you taking the time to write back to my post. You definitely don't deserve to feel the way you do, so I hope today is a better day for you! <3
When do you find out if he's getting the boot?
When do you find out if he's getting the boot?
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Originally Posted by Hopeless1978
Hi Lemon!! I hope you're feeling better today! I also appreciate you taking the time to write back to my post. You definitely don't deserve to feel the way you do, so I hope today is a better day for you! <3
When do you find out if he's getting the boot?
When do you find out if he's getting the boot?
He did message me today, but all it said is that in 3 days he gets his 30 day sober chip and there was a smiley face. No idea about what has happened otherwise....
So today I am still trying not to think about it. =)
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