I don't even know where to start.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Alberta
Posts: 7
I don't even know where to start.
Well, I don't even know where to start with this but I figure a forum is a good place. Today is my first day of sobriety, so I'm not even sure if I'm serious about it or will just go out again and use something once I'm feeling better. I haven't quite got a rock bottom yet, I haven't quite messed up so bad that my life is completely in shambles, I'm not super depressed I'm not suicidal, but my life is feeling apathetic, both with the drugs and alcohol... And without them.
I'm a 27 year old female. Single with no kids. I live with some extended family members because I'm not working enough hours to live on my own, nor do I want to experience the loneliness that comes along with being in an apartment by myself.... I've struggled for the past ten years with addictions of all kinds. There's been good periods in my life of sobriety and happiness, and there's been bad periods in my life still with sobriety but an inability to find happiness... And then there's been periods in my life where I've been able to somehow just sort of balance it out and remain a happy well adjusted person who just had a few drinks here and there and didn't let it get out of hand.
I don't know if I'm on this forum for any kind of advice... I've beat drug addiction many times before... I've never quite beat it for good as once you're an addict you're always an addict. I think I've come to accept that although I don't want the labelling I put on myself to mean anything... I guess I'm on here to vent more than anything. I guess I'm here to vent that as beautiful as life can be without drugs and alcohol there is still so much struggle to overcome.
I've decided I'm going to be a mess if I continue to use drugs and make my social life a priority... But at the same time, I've looked in many places and struggle to truly feel 'alive'. I realize in order to make it in this world and survive, I have to get a regular job. I'm going to get a regular job... I have to because if I don't then I'll continue to use drugs and alcohol because I have too much time on my hands... But the thought of any regular job just doesn't feel motivating or thrilling in any way...
I get sad sometimes that I'm still single and yet to meet someone. Sometimes I find myself going out drinking because I miss that connection with people... And I think if I don't go out and make an effort I'll never meet a man.... But the inevitable happens and I want to try and use cocaine when I drink... I get a little sleepy after my buzz and try and make a game out of it in my head, how can I find drugs? How can I make this party last longer? How can I make my night just a little more interesting? And of course I have complete disregard for the consequences. Not like losing the very part time job I care minimally about is going to make a difference... Not like I have a boyfriend or a house or anything like that to lose... So I think f$&@ it.
So anyway back on point. Here I a m today. A single 27 year old female. In a part time job that's getting me nowhere. Living with a roof over my head, a car, a cat, and some family. I feel like I should be grateful and I am.
I am going to take steps to recovery. I am going to get a better job somehow. But I feel passionless, with or without recovery.
I'm a 27 year old female. Single with no kids. I live with some extended family members because I'm not working enough hours to live on my own, nor do I want to experience the loneliness that comes along with being in an apartment by myself.... I've struggled for the past ten years with addictions of all kinds. There's been good periods in my life of sobriety and happiness, and there's been bad periods in my life still with sobriety but an inability to find happiness... And then there's been periods in my life where I've been able to somehow just sort of balance it out and remain a happy well adjusted person who just had a few drinks here and there and didn't let it get out of hand.
I don't know if I'm on this forum for any kind of advice... I've beat drug addiction many times before... I've never quite beat it for good as once you're an addict you're always an addict. I think I've come to accept that although I don't want the labelling I put on myself to mean anything... I guess I'm on here to vent more than anything. I guess I'm here to vent that as beautiful as life can be without drugs and alcohol there is still so much struggle to overcome.
I've decided I'm going to be a mess if I continue to use drugs and make my social life a priority... But at the same time, I've looked in many places and struggle to truly feel 'alive'. I realize in order to make it in this world and survive, I have to get a regular job. I'm going to get a regular job... I have to because if I don't then I'll continue to use drugs and alcohol because I have too much time on my hands... But the thought of any regular job just doesn't feel motivating or thrilling in any way...
I get sad sometimes that I'm still single and yet to meet someone. Sometimes I find myself going out drinking because I miss that connection with people... And I think if I don't go out and make an effort I'll never meet a man.... But the inevitable happens and I want to try and use cocaine when I drink... I get a little sleepy after my buzz and try and make a game out of it in my head, how can I find drugs? How can I make this party last longer? How can I make my night just a little more interesting? And of course I have complete disregard for the consequences. Not like losing the very part time job I care minimally about is going to make a difference... Not like I have a boyfriend or a house or anything like that to lose... So I think f$&@ it.
So anyway back on point. Here I a m today. A single 27 year old female. In a part time job that's getting me nowhere. Living with a roof over my head, a car, a cat, and some family. I feel like I should be grateful and I am.
I am going to take steps to recovery. I am going to get a better job somehow. But I feel passionless, with or without recovery.
You'll find lots of support here. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Welcome to SR, Jalana.
So glad you decided to begin sobriety today. Also glad you found this site.
You know most will tell you that rock bottom can be when we stop digging.
I think everything can be built on if there is a good foundation.
New job, new relationships all kinds of opportunities can happen with sobriety. I know my head is a lot clearer and I make better decisions now that I haven't drank in nearly 2 years.
Visit this website often. Use it as a tool to help you with your journey.
So glad you decided to begin sobriety today. Also glad you found this site.
You know most will tell you that rock bottom can be when we stop digging.
I think everything can be built on if there is a good foundation.
New job, new relationships all kinds of opportunities can happen with sobriety. I know my head is a lot clearer and I make better decisions now that I haven't drank in nearly 2 years.
Visit this website often. Use it as a tool to help you with your journey.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Jalana. The longer we use or drink, the more hopeless it seems. Whether you realize it or not; you've actually already started your path to recovery by signing up here...glad you did. Do you have any resources locally you could explore such as meetings or a local drug/alcohol rehab that you could call?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Alberta
Posts: 7
Thank you for the welcome. I've got an idea. It's a small idea, and pretty simple, but it's something to start. For just this week to start, before I go to bed, I'm going to write out my entire weeks schedule. Hour by hour. And then I'm going to write my schedule on here. I'm going to follow up with what I managed to accomplish every day. It may be boring, I'm not worried about what people think. I will just do it to make myself accountable and follow through. I will just do it to give myself a purpose, 'a check list', something to work towards. It may not be much, but it's something.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Welcome and I'm glad this is your Day 1.
I used to feel that I needed alcohol to connect with people, but you will realize when you look back through sober eyes, that's not the case.
You will find lots of support here.
I used to feel that I needed alcohol to connect with people, but you will realize when you look back through sober eyes, that's not the case.
You will find lots of support here.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome to SR, Jalana. There is a ton of great wisdom and support to be found here. Planning out your day is definitely a good idea as long as you don't beat yourself up too bad if you don't meet all your daily goals. There's only one goal that really matters at the end of the day--staying sober for today.
I highly suggest joining the Class of June 2015 thread found on this same forum. It's a great way to learn from and help others in early recovery.
I highly suggest joining the Class of June 2015 thread found on this same forum. It's a great way to learn from and help others in early recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by Jalana 
Well, I don't even know where to start with this but I figure a forum is a good place. Today is my first day of sobriety, so I'm not even sure if I'm serious about it or will just go out again and use something once I'm feeling better. I haven't quite got a rock bottom yet, I haven't quite messed up so bad that my life is completely in shambles, I'm not super depressed I'm not suicidal, but my life is feeling apathetic, both with the drugs and alcohol... And without them.
I'm a 27 year old female. Single with no kids. I live with some extended family members because I'm not working enough hours to live on my own, nor do I want to experience the loneliness that comes along with being in an apartment by myself.... I've struggled for the past ten years with addictions of all kinds. There's been good periods in my life of sobriety and happiness, and there's been bad periods in my life still with sobriety but an inability to find happiness... And then there's been periods in my life where I've been able to somehow just sort of balance it out and remain a happy well adjusted person who just had a few drinks here and there and didn't let it get out of hand.
I don't know if I'm on this forum for any kind of advice... I've beat drug addiction many times before... I've never quite beat it for good as once you're an addict you're always an addict. I think I've come to accept that although I don't want the labelling I put on myself to mean anything... I guess I'm on here to vent more than anything. I guess I'm here to vent that as beautiful as life can be without drugs and alcohol there is still so much struggle to overcome.
I've decided I'm going to be a mess if I continue to use drugs and make my social life a priority... But at the same time, I've looked in many places and struggle to truly feel 'alive'. I realize in order to make it in this world and survive, I have to get a regular job. I'm going to get a regular job... I have to because if I don't then I'll continue to use drugs and alcohol because I have too much time on my hands... But the thought of any regular job just doesn't feel motivating or thrilling in any way...
I get sad sometimes that I'm still single and yet to meet someone. Sometimes I find myself going out drinking because I miss that connection with people... And I think if I don't go out and make an effort I'll never meet a man.... But the inevitable happens and I want to try and use cocaine when I drink... I get a little sleepy after my buzz and try and make a game out of it in my head, how can I find drugs? How can I make this party last longer? How can I make my night just a little more interesting? And of course I have complete disregard for the consequences. Not like losing the very part time job I care minimally about is going to make a difference... Not like I have a boyfriend or a house or anything like that to lose... So I think f$&@ it.
So anyway back on point. Here I a m today. A single 27 year old female. In a part time job that's getting me nowhere. Living with a roof over my head, a car, a cat, and some family. I feel like I should be grateful and I am.
I am going to take steps to recovery. I am going to get a better job somehow. But I feel passionless, with or without recovery.
I'm a 27 year old female. Single with no kids. I live with some extended family members because I'm not working enough hours to live on my own, nor do I want to experience the loneliness that comes along with being in an apartment by myself.... I've struggled for the past ten years with addictions of all kinds. There's been good periods in my life of sobriety and happiness, and there's been bad periods in my life still with sobriety but an inability to find happiness... And then there's been periods in my life where I've been able to somehow just sort of balance it out and remain a happy well adjusted person who just had a few drinks here and there and didn't let it get out of hand.
I don't know if I'm on this forum for any kind of advice... I've beat drug addiction many times before... I've never quite beat it for good as once you're an addict you're always an addict. I think I've come to accept that although I don't want the labelling I put on myself to mean anything... I guess I'm on here to vent more than anything. I guess I'm here to vent that as beautiful as life can be without drugs and alcohol there is still so much struggle to overcome.
I've decided I'm going to be a mess if I continue to use drugs and make my social life a priority... But at the same time, I've looked in many places and struggle to truly feel 'alive'. I realize in order to make it in this world and survive, I have to get a regular job. I'm going to get a regular job... I have to because if I don't then I'll continue to use drugs and alcohol because I have too much time on my hands... But the thought of any regular job just doesn't feel motivating or thrilling in any way...
I get sad sometimes that I'm still single and yet to meet someone. Sometimes I find myself going out drinking because I miss that connection with people... And I think if I don't go out and make an effort I'll never meet a man.... But the inevitable happens and I want to try and use cocaine when I drink... I get a little sleepy after my buzz and try and make a game out of it in my head, how can I find drugs? How can I make this party last longer? How can I make my night just a little more interesting? And of course I have complete disregard for the consequences. Not like losing the very part time job I care minimally about is going to make a difference... Not like I have a boyfriend or a house or anything like that to lose... So I think f$&@ it.
So anyway back on point. Here I a m today. A single 27 year old female. In a part time job that's getting me nowhere. Living with a roof over my head, a car, a cat, and some family. I feel like I should be grateful and I am.
I am going to take steps to recovery. I am going to get a better job somehow. But I feel passionless, with or without recovery.
Big step for you to join, lot of great advice here
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome Jalana, SR is a great tool for support. As for work, is there something you are passionate about? Maybe you can take some classes to lead you in that direction, it would also help to fill the time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Alberta
Posts: 7
Well I made a schedule and didn't follow it! But I got lots done in the last couple days regardless. I've been feeling anxious, edgy, and I have a bit of anger, but luckily for the people around me I've been patient and not taking it out on anyone! It's not their burden. I'm so early in recovery... But I feel like I'm taking the right steps. I work in a bar. I didn't want to be there today. Several of my coworkers have addiction problems. I'm taking steps to not associate with them. I could have stuck around for a drink after work but I left and took the dog for a walk instead! One of the girls stayed after her shift and drank with her friends. She was using cocaine I could tell and I know she uses it a lot as I've used twice with her. I didn't feel any urge to use nor did I miss it. I kind of felt sorry for her though but it's her choices not mine.
People must think obviously I need to get out of working in a bar to stay clean but for now this is my income and there's parts of my job that I really love!
I talked to one of the clean girls today and we're going to make plans to hang out and do sober stuff. Finally someone to hang out with who doesn't want to party!
A guy I used with came in today too. Last time I saw him we drank together and almost had a thing going. I messaged him saying I'm not a good drunk... But if he wants to be friends and do sober things together then to message me. He ignored my message so it was awkward when he came into my work but he is an alcoholic I think so why would he want to do sober stuff... Anyway this is all a part of the transition for me. Getting rid of the people who drink and use and finding clean friends.
Anyways, in the past couple of days I have taken steps to find new employment... I even have a side business idea to provide a small income here and there. It won't be much but it's hard work and if I can get customers then it will be another thing to keep me busy!
I know it's a long road ahead... And all this is the beginning... But I'm just praying that I can do this and feel good about myself and my life.
One of the things I've wanted to focus on is being positive. I have so much to be grateful for ... All of us do if we look hard enough... And yet we take these things for granted.
People must think obviously I need to get out of working in a bar to stay clean but for now this is my income and there's parts of my job that I really love!
I talked to one of the clean girls today and we're going to make plans to hang out and do sober stuff. Finally someone to hang out with who doesn't want to party!
A guy I used with came in today too. Last time I saw him we drank together and almost had a thing going. I messaged him saying I'm not a good drunk... But if he wants to be friends and do sober things together then to message me. He ignored my message so it was awkward when he came into my work but he is an alcoholic I think so why would he want to do sober stuff... Anyway this is all a part of the transition for me. Getting rid of the people who drink and use and finding clean friends.
Anyways, in the past couple of days I have taken steps to find new employment... I even have a side business idea to provide a small income here and there. It won't be much but it's hard work and if I can get customers then it will be another thing to keep me busy!
I know it's a long road ahead... And all this is the beginning... But I'm just praying that I can do this and feel good about myself and my life.
One of the things I've wanted to focus on is being positive. I have so much to be grateful for ... All of us do if we look hard enough... And yet we take these things for granted.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Jalana, definately sounds like you got your head on straight and that's step one. Great job. Twenty some years ago I was in a similar situation as yours. And I wasn't smart enough to figure out how to go about getting out of it. Eventually I did exactly what you are doing...eliminating those around me who didn't want to change. It was hard, very hard because we were thick as thieves in our friendships. I was the first in the group to bailout and got ribbed pretty hard for it, but others eventually did the same thing and now they have normal lives. Others did not follow and have been in and out of jail for twenty some odd years. Point is, it worked, I got out of the rut. Things steadily got better and I never looked back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Alberta
Posts: 7
I ended up using again and I feel really bad about it this time. I think I'm going to get kicked out of the place I'm living in because my family doesn't want to have to deal with this. She told me I can either quit my job and go to rehab or I can move out. I don't want to quit my job it's the only thing I have going on in my life right now even if it's not much.
Im scared of change because it's going to be hard to leave my family and live somewhere new, plus my bills are going to get significantly higher so that's going to be hard, but maybe that's what I need to stop using.
I'm trying, I really am, and I've made goals and taken steps to get where I want to be, but I'm still not there yet. I know I have a problem. I know that. I beat myself up enough.
I'm just feeling like a loser right now. I'm scared to leave my room because I know when I go upstairs I'm just gonna get judged and looked at like I'm less than a person like I'm not a human being. I wieh people who never used drugs could just understand that the using person puts themself through enough and shaming them just makes it that much harder.
I think that's why I need to move. Because I have to fight this on my own and being somewhere where I'm told what to do and made to feel guilty for not being a certain way isn't working for me. I'm sad. I know I can beat this though and I want to beat it I really do and I'm going to do it. I just feel alone right now and it's hard.
Im scared of change because it's going to be hard to leave my family and live somewhere new, plus my bills are going to get significantly higher so that's going to be hard, but maybe that's what I need to stop using.
I'm trying, I really am, and I've made goals and taken steps to get where I want to be, but I'm still not there yet. I know I have a problem. I know that. I beat myself up enough.
I'm just feeling like a loser right now. I'm scared to leave my room because I know when I go upstairs I'm just gonna get judged and looked at like I'm less than a person like I'm not a human being. I wieh people who never used drugs could just understand that the using person puts themself through enough and shaming them just makes it that much harder.
I think that's why I need to move. Because I have to fight this on my own and being somewhere where I'm told what to do and made to feel guilty for not being a certain way isn't working for me. I'm sad. I know I can beat this though and I want to beat it I really do and I'm going to do it. I just feel alone right now and it's hard.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Jalana dont stop trying i think regular meetings would really help heres a link for building a plan
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Alberta
Posts: 7
Thank you for the link sobrewolf. I'm going to keep trying and make a new plan all over again... It's all you can do is keep fighting it and trying til you get it right. I just wish that the last time would be the last time. I just wish that I could say I'm never gonna use again with certainty but I feel like I've failed so much I don't even trust my own judgement.
I wonder when enough is going to be enough...
Probably moving out from family is going to be the best decision for me. If I have to pay bills and be more responsible then maybe it will be enough of what I need to stay sober. Because if I don't then I can't pay my bills... I can't live with the only family I have in this city... And I would end up homeless. So maybe the best choice for getting sober is not having a choice but to do it.
Then once I get back to living a sober lifestyle then I can make room to think about where I want my life to go.
I wonder when enough is going to be enough...
Probably moving out from family is going to be the best decision for me. If I have to pay bills and be more responsible then maybe it will be enough of what I need to stay sober. Because if I don't then I can't pay my bills... I can't live with the only family I have in this city... And I would end up homeless. So maybe the best choice for getting sober is not having a choice but to do it.
Then once I get back to living a sober lifestyle then I can make room to think about where I want my life to go.
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