Katieoc

Where do I start!!!!?????
A 36 year old mother of 2....in a lesbian relationship....due to marry in 12 weeks! I've ruined everything!!!
I don't understand why I drink! So how can anyone else? I lie about when I'm drinking and how much to my future wife! She can't take anymore bull from me! She's lost count the number of times she has given me another chance!
I have everything I've ever wanted or dreamt of! I'm just very very selfish!
I went to my dr today and have been referred to an addiction place! They will assess me first and go from there!!!
Would just like to talk to people to understand why I drink? I want to change.....I have to for my kids my future wife an ME!
Hope someone can help me x

freshstart57

Maybe it doesn't matter so much why you drank. Sitting in front of a vodka bottle and asking why is not very helpful, at least it was of no use to me. I had a thousand reasons, and none of them justified the self destruction, the misery, and heartbreak for me and for those close to me.

Much more important is why you are going to quit, and when. These are the good questions and answering them will point you forward.

That is where you start.

Katieoc

I want to quit for ME.....especially for my health and for my personality as it's making into an ugly person!
My children deserve better and so does my future wife!
I never justify it.....I can't! I just do it!
I'm stopping NOW!!!! I want that more than anything in the world right now!!!

greens

Hi katie,
it's great that you have been referred to a place that will help with addiction. Is it a rehab or....? Just curious.
in general seeing an addiction counselor can help you determine your reasons for drinking, which is a great start for determining a recovery plan. Do you have time to look around this site, there are lots of great threads in here that might resonate with you.
I can't tell you why you drink, I only know my reasons for drinking which were plentiful. Once the pain got too great I realized alcohol was no longer a good coping mechanism for me. It took lots of Trial and error and lots of counseling but eventually I took drugs and alcohol out of the picture completely and I have been sober 4 years. My recovery has changed over time and I've gotten help from aa, smart recovery, therapy, ptsd support groups and also taking care of my physical health, but those are by no means the only ways to stay sober.
Best of luck on the beginning of your new journey, be gentle and kind with yourself. Maybe , until you start at rehab , try to focus less on why you drank and focus more on why you can't drink, or why you don't want to drink anymore.

biminiblue

Well done. You've identified the problem and you've made a decision to solve it.

Now that you've quit, every decision going forward will point you to health and happiness - because you're worth it.

tomsteve

Welcome and good on ya!

IMO the answer to this:
"I don't understand why I drink!"
Is very simple:
Because you are an alcoholic.

I hope and pray you don't want to TRY and do this on your own. I hope and pray you look into the different recovery methods used here and take the advise given to any questions ya ask here and put em into action.
Life sober has been awesome for me. I didn't think it wold be possible to not only stop drinking, but to not think about it( not have the mental obsession), take responsibility for my life, not hate myself,have fun, and experience peace and serenity. But it was possible and has happened for me and countless others.
And it can happen for you,too.

Quirky

Welcome Katie.
Glad you are here with us. You will find a
lot of support and caring here.
You can do this. Best of luck to you.
Ring

Katieoc

My partner has left me!!!!

aasharon90

I had lots of questions too during my
drinking career. Never understood
why the more I drank the more I wanted
to drink. That crazy obsession.

Why this and why that and why me.

It took being sent to a rehab hospital
via the back seat of a police care and
a court order to get me into the doors
of recovery.

28 days was an awesome start which
gave me time for the poison to leave
my system, for the fog to clear and open
my mind to others to teach me about
addiction and its affects on my own
body and those around me.

Once I took that knowledge and a
program of recovery to incorporate
in all my affairs, then I had the willing-
ness to do whatever I needed to do
and eventually wanted to do them
by going that extra mile to remain sober
no matter what.

Listen....Learn....Absorb....Apply a program
of recovery and eventually the promises
and rewards will begin to come true each
day we remain sober.

And all your questions will be understood.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

nullandv01d

I'm so sorry your partner has left you. I really hope you find peace and search your soul for why you drink. Best of luck, I'm right there with you girl

tomsteve

Drinking will not help.
The morning after my last drunk, my fiance( who actually at that time was now my ex fiancé. I just hadn't been informed yet) told me sme of what I did and said the day/ night beforethen threw me out.
Terror,bewilderment,and self hate were excruciating. I hurt the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
It was then I conceded to myself that alcohol was the common denominator in all my problems. It was then, when finally out of denial, I was given the gift of desperation.
And went to AA. I didn't go to get her back. I went because it was that or suicide. I hated myself and my life that bad( I didn't hate life,just mine).
Once a hopeless,helpless,worthless,useless, POS, the program turned me into a man with hope, worth, use, and can help others. And I love myself today.
We didn't get back together.today I'm ok With that and rather greatful. Life has been amazing.
I have hope for ya, katieoc. If you want to stop drinking and are willing to put in the footwork to get and stay sober, you can STILL have an awesome life,too, and that doesn't me only if ya go to AA. There's many different recovery methods and I hope ya look into them and get into action.
ODAAT.

doggonecarl

Being a mother trumps being in a relationship. Your kids need you. Please stay with your decision to remain sober, no matter what.

Katieoc

I've just thrown all the alcohol away from our home!!!!
I'm determined to get better and get the help to stop!!!!
I don't ever want to drink again
Thank you guys!
It helps listening to others in similar situation to myself!
I will learn to deal with life and cope without alcohol as I will not lose my children! My partner is willing to help but she's laid down rules to help me help myself! I'm very fortunate

CaseyW

Welcome to SR, Katieoc! Throwing out the booze and posting on here is a great first step. I hope you'll check in here often. Getting help for myself while also helping others is a cornerstone of my recovery.

zjw

many years before i sobered up one night my wife cut me off. stated I had drank enough and no more (this was after i puked all over the porch with my buddy over) I told my buddy to get me the beers from now on and sneak them past the old lady. Of course he did and i continued to get drunker. That night I passed out in a puddle of my own puke on the living room floor. I crawled up in th emiddle of the night to get in bed where she told me under no circumstances was i sleepin in the same bed with her. So i slept on the floor like a dog.

You'd htink that night woulda been enough. I mean she was on the phone with her sister who was a nurse worried i was gonna die and such. Nope I selfishly didnt care it was me and beer and nothing and no one would stand in the way of that.

I still did not think i had a drinking problem fast forward about 10 years or so later and I sobered up because my panic attacks got so bad etc..

So i put my wife through 10 more years of that sort of BS. and when I sobered up it took about a year before i admited to myself and eveyrone else that I was an alcoholic.

Why did I ever act like that? cause i'm an alcoholic. There is no reason to try and analyze it much further. I was sick i needed help that was that.

You sound like your a head of the game a bit. If you can help it dont waste anymore time lifes too short.

SereneEdition

Hi Katieoc -

Throwing out the alcohol is a great start. Next, what is your plan for what you will do instead of drinking the next time the urge strikes?

ccam1973

Welcome Katie. You've found a great community with a ton of support.

You're going to hear this a thousand time here, but you can only control your own actions. Dig deep and just don't drink today; no matter what life throws at you, don't drink today. Look at tomorrow when it arrives, and as long as you don't drink today, treat tomorrow the same.

You won't regret your decision to be sober. Your partner, your life, your happiness, your kids' happiness... everything will fall into place.

You've got the power within you to make this change for good. It takes a lot of hard work and effort, but the outcome is worth every ounce of energy you put in.

Glad you found us, stay strong today.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Katie!!

VexedEnuff

This is the best place for support. There is a lot of great information to be gleaned from those with some quality sober time under their belts. Check back often. Everyone on here has been/are in the same boat and we all have one thing in common. When I come on here to read, it's encouraging; like a meeting in some sense. I wish you the best. We can do this together.