thequest

Sometimes I think the associated behaviors and/or lifestyle is just as hard to quit for the addict as the chemical.

Are things like trying to get money anyway they can as needed easier than going to a job on a regular basis? Is it easier not only to 'zone out' but simply avoid issues like personal finances, a house, cleaning, repairs, relationships, career etc. ?

Is "the party" if there is one tougher to quit because that would mean having to take that time & money and do things like pay bills, clean, repair, go to school, get a second job or get a job period? Is the addict peer group more appealing than doing something they can actually afford and handle like watch tv or read the paper? Or join a church group or charity?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that has avoiding the common issues most deal with or even fret over on daily basis become harder to quit than the chemical? Once sober I think many fear or want to avoid those pesky common details of life most deal with partially by simply staying sober/knowing when to quit.

Is "avoidance" tougher than the chemical?

Needabreak

I don't know the answer to your question, but I do know that there is not room in my life for people who .....

It's different if it's your son or daughter, but in terms of relationships and adult family members, I simply don't allow people who avoid their responsibilities into my space.

thequest

Oh how I wish I could make that decision. When it got to the point where the truth be known or the addict/alkie couldn't cover his status some pulled their support and others are still sympathetic but even they are dismayed at the lack of even small amounts of progress.

I frequently hear the alkie/addict lacks coping skills and coping with the fact that one needs a job for money shouldn't be that hard of a skill to learn. Or that people do things like clean, organize, repair etc because it has to be done and they are not bored. They're hung up on career/status although a known life at this point of begging, borrowing or scrounging for money & things can't bring that much status.

Needabreak

If you wish you could make that decision, then what holds you back from making that decision?

What held me back fro a long time was a fear of hurting others, of being seen as "not compassionate," and a fear that I might end up alone.

In the end, I was just trying to please people who really didn't have my best interests in mind. And since making that decision, my life has only gotten better!

BlueChair

Quest,

Has the person you speak of ever had a job, attended college? The first thing I think is one shouldnt always blame the addiction for a person being unmotivated to live a somewhat normal life. Maybe there are other issues? Or maybe this person never had any direction in their life ? Lots of people who are addicted to drugs still work jobs, go to school, have a home, pay their bills. I guess what Im saying is be sure to see the person for who they are, and dont assume drug use is the whole problem. It may be a symptom of a bigger issue.

Joe Nerv

IME putting down the drink or drug is the easy part. Changing ourselves so that we can live happily in sobriety is where most people fail. And then eventually wind up picking up again. I had to change just about every single thing you stated in the op. It took a very open mind, lots of willingness, lots of desire, and the help of many people. As needabreak said, I don't have room in my life for people who act as the one you describe. They not only eventually destroy themselves, but work overtime bringing down everyone else around them too.

thequest

The attended college and had some good jobs actually. But that money went mostly into leisure activities. Kept on hoping he would grow out of the party phase. He even used the he was getting ready to buy a house to secure a loan from a family member which was as far from the truth as it could be.

There are definitely issues at play other than drugs although they are un-necessarily prolonging their current behavior. They say maturity stops at the age when heavy drug or alcohol use starts and that was the late teens. This could explain why they frequently sound like a teen/child talking like an adult even though they are a half century old.

Lily1918

Using drugs is just a symptom. It isn't the cause of the behaviors. That's detox centers aren't miracle facilities pumping out recovered individuals in only 7 days.
IMO addiction is always very deep rooted. I know that I have roots of low self esteem, laziness, selfishness, and pride. AH has shared similar roots with me. It takes years to weed out all of the emotional and mental causes. Is it easy to stop using drugs? If you go to detox, sure. It's almost physically painless. Is it easy to figure out how to change your entire mentality? No way.

mnh1982

Spot on from everyone.
In my experience, the habits, behaviors, self-esteem issues & lack of motivation that go hand in hand with addiction will plague the addict for life.
That doesn't, though, make any of it an excuse. It may be a reason for their actions, but it's no excuse.
My exAH has no idea how to tell the truth. He cannot take responsibility for himself. He is incapable of holding a job...he would really rather be on unemployment perpetually & pretend that his record & his past are to blame. He resents anyone who tries to tell him otherwise. His ego is huge & his self-confidence is virtually nonexistent.
The entire reason that I want to get a divorce is that being married to him is like raising an infant/baby with a petulant teenage boy-his maturity level when faced with being held accountable is exactly that low.
avoidance is ALWAYS easier. That's why things are so hard on those of us here on SR-on some level we've all chosen to confront addiction & its consequences head on.
Unfortunately that also means, for a lot of us, facing the fact that our addict will not.