nullandv01d

I'm slowly beginning to understand why I drink and why it's a problem.

I told myself that I needed to not drink all through June. I have trouble with "never again" so I'm starting off small. I made it ten days.

This all started when I dated a guy (I'm a guy, btw) that like clockwork drinks every weekend to excess. I used to not do it so much but it became routine. Well, we don't date anymore, I got away from that, but I still get hammered every weekend. Except one. That was my ten days. I actually went to the bar twice and did not give in.

I broke down midweek when I went on a date and the guy suggested a drink. I ended up buying a bunch and getting us both drunk. There never is just one with me

Then this weekend I got drunk and acted like a complete jerk to a friend. I'm so ashamed. And then I drank again last night to calm my nerves on a first date. Ended up drunk. Again.

So this morning I wrote a game plan for the next three weekends. Reasons not to drink. A reward for myself if I make it. If I can't, I'm getting help. I can't keep gambling.

Thanks for listening.

CaseyW

Glad you made it back in, null. Hope a part of your plan is regular posting and involvement here. Staying active on this board made me accountable to myself and to others and has been a major part of my own recovery plan.

You mention that in your ten days you went to bars a couple of times and didn't drink. I would suggest steering clear of bars and drinking situations in early recovery. What's that old saying--if you hang around a barber shop long enough, you're going to get a haircut.

nullandv01d

Thanks so much. You're absolutely right. When I was dating I made friends there that I wanted to visit. And made a new friend that wanted to go out. Alcohol is deeply, deeply ingrained in gay culture. It's really hard to avoid. But this weekend, both instances, were my fault. I didn't even try.

I've got such resolve on day 1 and got so wrapped up in my victory over one weekend I threw it away.

least

I hope you are successful at staying sober this time.

Quirky

Hi Null, and welcome,
I am only on day 7 , so obviously not an expert, but I know you can do what you sett your mind to do.
I am so happy you found SR; the support and caring here is amazing. Lots of great people who share your problem and understand exactly what you are going through.
Read and post a lot; I find that very helpful. We are all on this journey together, and we support and lean on one another.
Best of luck to you.
Ring

nullandv01d

Thanks so much guys. It's hard to give advice when I've failed so many times. But I'll do my best. I can sympathize at least.

doggonecarl

Maybe you didn't start small enough. Try "I am not going to drink today."

Then repeat that vow tomorrow.

One day at a time. That's how you stay sober forever.

CaseyW

Correction: Alcohol is deeply ingrained in YOUR gay culture.

Recovering from addiction to alcohol will probably involve making some tough lifestyle choices. You may have to change the people, places, and things that you surround yourself with. It doesn't sound like active drinking is working for you, I'm glad you are willing to try a different way of life.

nullandv01d

Thanks so much for the advice. My problem is I'm a weekend warrior. I stay clean all week, usually, and feel good enough Friday not to care. And then get blackout drunk. My ten days and bar visits prove I have the power to resist but I fell off the wagon.

JaneLane

Is there something else you can do at weekends? I was a daily drinker, heavier on weekends, and I now plan out things to get out of my old habits. I went bowling the other weekend. I haven't done that since I was a child and sadly I have not improved!

nullandv01d

Yes. I wrote a plan of things I want to do each weekend through July 5. A full schedule. Family events, friends, exercise, shopping. I kept going to bars because that's all I knew, for the longest time.

I can't keep showing up to family functions hung over. I showed up to my grandma's funeral still drunk from the night before.

JaneLane

Bars are tough if that has been your environment. It's definitely good to have a plan and reach out for support if you need it.

Don't beat yourself up for things that have already happened. This is the start of something new and it's going to be okay!

Ruby2

I was a daily drinker and for me, "I won't drink today" works. However, my husband is a weekend binge drinker. He's still trying to get it together but I think it's smart to realize that it is a somewhat different beast. Making plans in advance that don't involve alcohol is smart.

I also think that going to a bar and walking out unscathed, while good, is a hollow victory. For me being around alcohol and bars would be stressful. If I made it without drinking I think I would drink to celebrate. Hey, see? I didn't drink despite all the booze around. I can have one now.

I think being a weekend drinker you also forget the pain and shame as the week moves on and the weekend approaches. Maybe revisit how you felt the next day after your last binge.

Hang in there.

biminiblue

Well, you may have plugged in to the decadent side of the lifestyle, but I know a few gay couples in long-term relationships in which alcohol plays a very small role - as in, a glass of wine every-now-and-then. They are focused on their careers, their homes, their families.

The "lifestyle" is up to you. Not everyone drinks alcoholically, and you can find friends and people to date who are not heavy drinkers.

Cauliflower

It sound like you are on the right path and re-inventing your new culture sans alcohol. Welcome to SR!

want2feelGood

hi Nullandv01d, my story is a lot like yours. meeting friends at the bars all weekend is what I do and struggling to find a different lifestyle and friends. I have a boyfriend of two years that has a big drinking problem too. we make for a horrible couple on the weekends. we are good during the week, weekend binge drinking starts and it a horrible time in the end, with drunken abusive fights, then forgetting what happened the next day and starts all over again. I live at the beach in California and drinking is a huge part of the scene too, seems like everyone is in party vacation mode all the time! so, sad to say my only friends are drunks. And I'm very sad because I know if I want to get healthy and sober, I have to leave my friends and my boyfriend sorry Im not giving advice, I just want you to know I can relate and hope we can share stories and get advice together from others.

nullandv01d

Thanks. It really helps to know there are people who go through the same thing. I'm trying hard to document the shame and social damage so I remember when Friday rolls around.

nullandv01d

I think my first victory was recognizing that my "relationship" with the original guy did not exist without booze. I made the decision to cut him out. I thought that would be it, but the alcoholic in me found a way to rage on.

PurpleKnight

You can do this!! Put your plan in place and keep tweaking it to make Sobriety happen!!

Soberwolf

You can do this