killerinstinct

Feeling sad just discovered my friend is a full blown addict.. Said my goodbyes.. Not going down that black hole with my friend.. I love myself too much and respect them enough to let it go.. Still it's bittersweet and so sad that nothing comes in between them and their drug... What an awful existence.. I can understand anything in moderation be it shopping, wine, a bump this or that but being consumed by a substance every minute of the day.. That's nuts total nuts

Hopeless1978

Hi!! I'm sorry you're going through this with your friend. Hopefully they seek the help that they need. Usually it takes a lot for them to realize they've hit rock bottom. I hope it's not too late by then. I would do the same thing if I was in your position. Good luck to you!! xxxx

killerinstinct

It took me a very long time to realise I wasn't the problem.. Their behaviour was awful for so long and then I found out what was really going on.. At least I know I'm not the issue even if their nice their high all the time

Hopeless1978

Yes. You are definitely NOT the issue!! Good for you!

Gettngstronger1

I'm so sorry to hear this. You're doing the right thing though. A person in active addiction will never make a good friend though. Their addiction will always come first. If your friend was seeking help, that's one thing. But active addiction is a slippery slope that you don't want to get pulled into. I had a friend once who was trying to get help for a substance abuse problem. I helped him through SO much. He got evicted from his apartment, fell on serious financial problems, got his car repossessed, etc. I helped him move back into his parents' home, gave him rides, bought him food, let him borrow money. He finally went to a 90 day rehab and came back a completely different person (not for the better). It seems to me like even if the person gets sober, their negative traits still remain. He was still very selfish, everything was all about him, he never once thanked his friends or family who went out of our way to help him, or apologized for what he had put us through. He was still miserable and withdrawn. And god FORBID anyone around him so much as lit up a cigarette or had a beer. He'd start preaching and lecturing about how much better he was than the rest of us, and how we all have addictions too, and should get help for them just like he did, and how his life is so much better than ours now. A lot of people who stuck by him through his addiction ended up cutting ties with him once he was in recovery, due to his attitude and being so self absorbed and remorseless. It's like the rehab place brainwashed him or something. I miss my old friend very much. I was so happy when he went to rehab because I thought I was going to get that person back. I guess things don't always turn out for the best, even if the addicted person does get help. Again, I'm sorry about what you're going through with your friend. I hope things turn out differently for you, but for now, you were smart to walk away.

allmirages

Gettingstronger1 - your story is almost exactly like mine. My exbf is about 8 mo sober, dumped me for some rehab girl(s) (he's playing the field of fellow AA/rehab women) and only associates with fellow rehab people. He is remorseless, self absorbed, still a compulsive liar, self righteous (everyone else now is an alcoholic or martyr, etc) turned his back on me and the few family members that stood by him...I could go on but you get the idea. I was so thankful he was going to rehab but as he went through the program, he became this awful person. He is sober....YES....but that's it. The sweet, caring, affectionate, compassionate, successful, proud person I knew long ago and loved is long gone. I've been struggling to accept that his character defects that I thought were drug related....are actually his true self. The saying "when someone shows you their real self...believe it" is painfully true! I want nothing to do with the person he actually IS. The fantasy of what I thought he COULD Be....is GONE.

Killerinstinct - I am sorry for your pain. Please do what is right for you! Hugs!

Gettngstronger1

Allmirages, so sorry to hear about your ex. This is a good friend who I went through this with, and it was about 4 years ago. More recently, I discovered my (now ex) boyfriend was a substance abuser, and he started treating me poorly. I was forced to end our relationship and go no contact. It was the most painful thing I ever had to do. But I had been down this road before with my friend, and had no desire to experience it again. As I'm sure you know, it gets worse before it gets better. And since my previous experience in dealing with it showed me that even after the person gets sober, the same negative traits remain, I had zero desire to stick around and try to help my boyfriend. The person I knew and loved was GONE. Maybe he was never that person to begin with. Perhaps I'll never know. I would be curious to find out if other people have been through this, helping a significant other/friend/family member through an addiction into recovery, just to find out that the sober person is not someone they know or recognize (and not in a good way). I haven't been able to find many threads on it. I thought about starting one, but decided against it. I needed to stay firm with my decision to go no contact with my ex. If I saw any types of positive threads about two people resuming their relationship post rehab, and that the newly sober person had changed for the better, I would have probably gone running right back to my ex. Once you've been hurt that badly by someone in active addiction, you'd be crazy to ever voluntarily put yourself through that a second time. It just blows my mind how anyone in recovery could have such a lack of remorse and not even utter a "thank you" or an "I'm sorry" to the people that they put through hell. What are they being taught in these expensive rehabs??

allmirages

I agree, 110%. Had I known how it would end up, I would have never been there in the first place. Maybe that sounds bad to say, but I went into this blindly, didn't even know he was an addict and had known him since our teens. Even dated in our 20's....then about 20 years later we reconnect. I would have never, ever imagined this is who he is NOW because it is so polar opposite of who he was before he became an addict. But, it seems every story here is the same...drugs/addiction...it changes people. It changes the addict, and it changes us.

And I don't necessarily think it's the rehab facility's fault for the unexcusable behavior. In the 12 step program my ex went through, the foundation is HONESTY...and he doesn't have a single honest bone in his body...even when sober, I am very sorry to say. They do try to help the addicts gain self esteem, deal with their past, the reason(s) they turned to drugs, but they cannot instill morals or honesty if the person doesn't have it in them. I am convinced that underlying personality disorders are sometimes the root of the problem. I was quick to excuse his unacceptable behavior to the drugs...but the same issues still remain when he's stone sober! My ex was told he is a Narcissist and Sociopath. I'm no expert, but when I read the characteristics....it's like I was reading how he is to a T.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know people relate even though I know none of us wanted to go through this. SR is such a good place for support. I am so grateful to all here!!

Gettngstronger1

I didn't mean to imply that it's the rehab's fault as to the negative behaviors and attitudes. At the end of the day, of course it's a million times better for the addict to be sober and alive and healthy, as opposed to what the alternative could have been without rehab. But if you could have heard and seen my friend and the complete personality change, it was as though he had been abducted by a cult and brainwashed. There is no trace whatsoever of the person who I had known for 12 years and was close friends with, prior to his addiction taking over for 3 years. Rehabs or not, addiction destroys people, period.

And it's not at all a bad thing that you said you never would have been there if you knew how it was going to turn out. I feel the same way after going through it with my friend, which is why I ran for the hills when I found out that I was about to go through it again with my ex. No way, no how. It makes you SMART to say that. As the original poster of this thread said, we have to love ourselves enough to let these addicts go. Before we get dragged down with them and lose ourselves in the process. Hugs to everyone here <3

killerinstinct

I've had distance from my friend.. I feel like imagined the whole thing.. Surely my friend isn't that hooked.. Maybe it was all in my head.. Because I have no contact with my friend anymore I feel like maybe it could have just been a one off thing, maybe I over thought it and his abuse wasn't as bad as I made it out to be ... I'm
Sad and confused now.. I let go of a friend who I believed lied and lied and used and used I mean I remember getting really upset about it.. But why I doubting myself for now??

Gettngstronger1

Because that's what addiction does to non addicts. It makes us second guess ourselves until we nearly drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out what is real and what isn't. Just for argument's sake, if your friend is not addicted now, it will only be a matter of time before he/she is. You do NOT want to get pulled into this. Until your friend decides to quit and/or get help, you are doing the right thing by staying away.

AnvilheadII

it is probably a very good idea to stay away from ANYONE who uses drugs AT ALL. that solves a lot of problems and second guessing.