Non update - still not doing well I suppose

Old 06-15-2015, 03:54 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
jarp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Non update - still not doing well I suppose

I don't know if anyone remembers me, I still read here every day, but feel like I have little to contribute.

AH is very up and down. He's had 4 lapses in the last 4 months, after being totally sober since last September, and had had the odd drink here and there. Still half working at it, I suppose. Still not working. His need to drink is escalating.

Last joint session we had (MC with addiction specialist) the counsellor challenged me to get out of the way of his journey. He's probably most likely headed for a relapse, and I've been working hard to prevent that (yes I understand the futility and damage of this).

He chose to lapse last time the night before I started my new job, three days after my mum, my only practical support with the kids, went overseas for a month. Came home drunk out of his skull, told me he was leaving me. Totally sabotaging.

I haven't done that well with this. Tonight he wanted to head (back) to the pub, I cracked it. I know I am supposed to say 'off you go'.

I've made our lives reliant on him again. I've taken on a new job at work that is super demanding of my time, and he's been 'doing' the kids. He's been doing a pretty good job of it 90% of the time. I'm stressed out of my brain with work, and home is a roller coaster. We had a good couple of weeks and here we are again.

I am just stuck. I don't want to sit and watch him relapse, I know I have the right to not do that. I should tell him to leave . A couple of weeks ago (after a lapse) he told me that is what he wants to do, I totally relapsed and begged him not to.

I should just let him go, I know I am doing the wrong thing. I know I am. I am just so stuck. What's wrong with me? I'm tired, tired, tired. It feels like everything in life is so hard. DS has a learning disorder and last week his special ed teacher said he's made virtually no progress the whole year she and I have been working with him. He doesn't even recognise the letters of the alphabet. He's almost 7.

I'm so demoralised. I don't know how to hold our busy, stressful lives together much longer.

Pity party much?
jarp is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 04:05 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Lots of ((((hugs))) Lots and lots! Miss you here.

We all get stuck Jarp. Sometimes I think the obsessive thinking of how stuck we are becomes the focus and we avoid our reality. "I can't" becomes a mantra.

Couple of things here - please remind me of your boundary with relapse. I seem to recall you have laid down the line before that drinking = separation.

Secondly, leaving your children with an active alcoholic YOU KNOW this is a really bad idea. I know that his care taking is helping you, but I also know that he was put out of the house once for several months. What did you do about the kids then?

The alcoholic in your life is adding to your stress not taking away from it by helping with your children. He has told you straight up what he wants to do and while you may have been successful in stopping it for a night or two you know you can't stop it forever.

Lets work on a plan.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 04:39 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,373
Glad to see you jarp but so sorry things haven't been going too well.

red's idea of talking out some options and doing some planning seems proactive and helpful--
the writing, by his own admission and actions, is clearly on the wall and you are, it seems, already mentally preparing for red alert.
First priorities as I see it is managing the kids and getting the stress level reduced for you.
Ideas?

Sounds like you could also use a group hug and a big mug of tea around the kitchen table,
so imagine we're there and let's get started when you're ready
Hawkeye13 is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 05:19 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi jarp! I am glad you are still here even though things at home are bad. I would like to clear the air a bit. Your husband has relapsed and is in active alcoholism again. No building up going on. It's a done deal.

If I remember correctly he was also diagnosed as borderline? If this is the case he needs lifelong medication and therapy. Otherwise he is just going to cycle through with addiction, depression, etc. Forever. I am so sorry. But, it really does sound like you need to start setting up a support system for you and the kids that does not include him being around at all
happybeingme is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 05:54 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Missed you a lot jarp. You got hit with so many things at once. Just want to say, I understand. Here for you.

amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 07:17 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Glad to hear from you Jarp, we miss you and are here to support you.

You sound overwhelmed, and rightfully so with all that is going on. Take care of yourself first - remember what the airline stewards say "Put on your own oxygen mask first and them help others"... If you don't have oxygen, you can't breathe and take care of anyone else.

Starting a new high powered job is stressful in and of itself, and I would imagine will start to sort out with more weeks on the job.

In the meantime, try to sort out child care so that you are not so reliant on your husband. Will your mother be back soon to help?

One step at a time, keep your head above water, and in time, those steps will add up and you will be at a longer term solution.

Keep posting, we're here to support you

ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1 is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 07:23 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
((((((jarp)))))) I'm so sorry, you sound so exhausted. I agree that he's actively drinking, not heading for relapse. No matter how tightly you hold things together, it's bound to leak out the sides because relying on an active addict is uncontrollable. You can't predict how/when/where/why things will trigger off, it compounds your stress always waiting for that other shoe to drop. He sounds more determined to drink than to commit harder to recovery, but you're right about not having to sit around & watch the downward spiral happen.

What are you doing for you in between the new job & home stress? I know that for me, during these crisis periods, I always feel like I have no time/energy for the things that I need the MOST & I stop prioritizing myself... which only adds pressure to my building stress. How can you get your "oxygen mask" on so that you can breathe & think all of this through? Meetings, yoga, meditation, exercise, etc?
FireSprite is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 09:04 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
SadInTX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Jarp,
So sorry to hear about this...I have been in your shoes before...my ex was BPD and an alcoholic (and gambled)...it was a mess...I had a stressful job at that time..he hardly worked...two kids...I like what Fire wrote...put on your oxygen mask first..you must take care of you and your kids. Start making plans for another way...once you start the ball rolling it gets easier. if he is a BPD then please, please read about this as much as you can online, get books...talk to a therapist. If he is ever going to try to get healthier it takes A LOT of work ...and from what I have read and in my situation, they do not want the help or think they do not need it...and then the drinking on top of that...it is just a mess. But you do not have to go down with him..you can make changes for you and your kids...hugs
SadInTX is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 09:47 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
jarp, of course I remember you! Nothing to add to the excellent advice you already received except some hugs and some wishes for the strength and courage to move ahead.
honeypig is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 09:56 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
knowthetriggers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi Jarp!

Just wanted to say that I am sorry you are dealing with this. Sending you courage and strength!
knowthetriggers is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 12:38 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Jarp,
I think you should give yourself some credit. You say "I haven't done that well with this" when it looks to me like you're holding together home and family as well as a stressful job. I would suggest taking a deep breath and giving yourself a pat on the back before following the advice above to map out your options moving forward.

As an educator and mom of 3, I have a suggestion for your son, too. My first daughter was a slow reader until her granny started reading "Harry Potter" to her, via Skype. Can you get your mom to do that? My daughter was so excited by the story, once she got hooked (almost immediately), that she started trying to figure out how to read when granny wasn't available to read to her. That book is magic for kids. If your mom isn't available, maybe an older sibling or babysitter, or you, could find time?

Take care, and know that you're not the only one dealing with the fallout of living with an AH.
sauerkraut is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 12:44 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Yurt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
I think sauerkraut has a great suggestion. If not Harry Potter, then another high interest novel. Our local library subscribes to an auxiliary site that has read aloud books. You might check with them. My daughter was an early reader, and most of her teachers attributed it to the fact that she was read to very often as a youngster. Does your son have an IEP? His school may step up and provide more services if they know that you are supportive.
Yurt is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 06:15 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Yurt's suggestion reminds me of another tool that my youngest, who is 8, loves. It's the website "Raz-Kids," which has books of all levels, a read-aloud function, and little quizzes for which the kids "win" virtual prizes. She has free access through her school. This is the website: https://www.raz-kids.com/
sauerkraut is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 07:29 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
cookiesncream's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Oh Jarp I look for posts from you frequently and am so glad you "popped up" again. I just attended a conference for my women's sobriety group that I had only known online and its pretty amazing to have words on a computer screen take 3D dimension and postings become PEOPLE.

I totally identify with the knowing what you know you should do, walk away, let him fall and what your instincts are telling you. No answers but ((hugs)) I do keep up with your posts and do wonder how you are doing. Thanks for sharing.
cookiesncream is offline  
Old 06-15-2015, 10:08 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
jarp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thanks everyone for all the suggestions on DS.

I must admit it is an area of specific sensitivity for me. I am an avid reader (and actually so is AH), there would be less than a handful of days in our sons whole life that he hasn't been read to. He loves series, we've read everything from Harry Potter, to Faraway Tree to Captain Underpants!! Even as a newborn in ICU I'd spend hours reading to him whilst he was in his isolette!

This has resulted in him having a rich and active imagination, high levels of creativity and very sophisticated verbal language. Sadly, it hasn't led to him being able to read. He has several special needs, some from oxygen deprivation at birth. He also has a very significant rapid autonomic naming disorder (he'll be diagnosed with severe Dyslexia once he hits 8) - this is where the part of the brain that automatically pulls out of the brain the 'meaning' to a symbol is impaired. So if he physically 'feels' the letter, thinks about it for some time, does some actions or links a letter to s 'story' he can name it. All that takes quite some time though and means reading is EXHASTING for him.

He has a special ed teacher once a week, a speech therapist and an aide at school.

But the lack of progress is really demoralising. It's not like I don't have experience - DD also has dyslexia - but the program that special ed teacher used with her yielded results we could literally see! Plus she was very motivated. DS is definitely not, plus he knows he is behind his peers and shows avoidance behaviour. DD had less awareness but was internally driven. Now at 10 she reads at level and loves to read! DS it's a constant battle of cheering him on, finding different ways to cajole, beg, plead, reward - I think I have tries it all - recommended ways and ways not recommended (we are heavily into bribery at the moment )!
jarp is offline  
Old 06-16-2015, 05:42 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Well I hope this isn't cheesy to say - but google well known dyslexics. Its astouding the accomplishments anyone can make.

My husband is also dyslexic. He has owned and operated many businesses in his life. He also has learning disorder that affects the way he comprehends things. new things must be repeated and he does best with auditory as well as visual learning at the same time. He is creative as hell in his methods to deal with the dyslexia. His biggest issue seems to be with directions IMO. He has lived here 5 years and still gets turned around. Recently we started something that has worked - no more navigator - he prints off a map and follows it rather than rely on what's her name lady on the screen to tell him to "turn right". I firmly believe we all have come to rely on technology so much that we no longer learn things. it seems to be working for RAH.

You are an incredible Mum! Your kids are so blessed to have you.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 06-16-2015, 06:12 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Jarp...it's so good to hear from you! I think about you and your family all the time!

I am sorry you are going through a rough time. Everyone has had good input, but I wanted to drop in and send you some tight hugs and let you know, once again, that we are always here for you!

I hope you have a good day today!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 06-16-2015, 10:14 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hey Jarp,

One day you'll just take all the things you have learned about addiction and you will act.
CodeJob is offline  
Old 06-16-2015, 06:11 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
jarp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thanks everyone.

In terms of AH...we had a session yesterday where I agreed to get out of his way. His specialist doesn't see that he has relapsed - yet, but that he may, but no one is every going to know what he does with his drinking if I don't get out of the way. At the moment I am working so hard to keep the status quo, thinking I can keep everything together - that I am not letting things develop as they will anyway. I'm just slowing down the process.

So the challenge for me is to truly get out of AH's way. And make my decisions.

I am going to try my absolute hardest to do this. That's my promise to myself.
jarp is offline  
Old 06-16-2015, 06:40 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
LemonGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by jarp View Post
Thanks everyone.

In terms of AH...we had a session yesterday where I agreed to get out of his way. His specialist doesn't see that he has relapsed - yet, but that he may, but no one is every going to know what he does with his drinking if I don't get out of the way. At the moment I am working so hard to keep the status quo, thinking I can keep everything together - that I am not letting things develop as they will anyway. I'm just slowing down the process.

So the challenge for me is to truly get out of AH's way. And make my decisions.

I am going to try my absolute hardest to do this. That's my promise to myself.
I remember you!! Hi!
I hope you're able to find some other childcare for the kids... that will help with this process of "getting out of his way", because it will relieve you of the stress you may have about worrying what he is doing while you are working. You deserve to work.

As for your little one with the reading problems... though his sister did better with the same type of treatment, he may simply need a different approach. I'm sure that he is also affected by the alcoholism and of course, academics can suffer from emotional distress as well. But rather than suggesting it could be from that, I wonder if just trying a different therapy could help him...?
LemonGirl is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:37 AM.