lolo66

Hi, I'm new to this site, I am a 48 yr old female sober almost 4 years in AA. My husband is sober 10 months, also in AA, just starting the program with a sponsor and he has become very nasty, accusing me of flirting with other men in the fellowship etc and basically being a dry drunk. I have tried soo hard in our marriage (nearly 25 years), its never been a smooth one but I know I should be able to overlook his behavior because he is sick and I have longer sobriety than he has. Just at the moment tho common sense and anything I have learned in AA is being bypassed by the anger I feel for him treating me like **** in front of our 4 children. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I know his program will be different from mine and his journey is his too but I am letting him destroy my happiness and I am really pissed off both with him and myself. I have heard of marriages that end when one partner gets sober, both of us sober is there any chance??

LexieCat

Hi, lolo, and congrats on your sober time! Well, you know what they say, alcohol isn't the problem, it's the SOLUTION for the alcoholic. Take it away, and you often have some pretty messed-up people.

I hope you will check out some Al-Anon meetings--I know a lot of "double winners" and I qualified for Al-Anon WAY before I did for AA (first husband is sober 35 years, I have almost 7).

I've seen the Steps work some pretty miraculous recovery. I'm glad he's started to work with a sponsor. I think Al-Anon could help you work on things like detachment and good boundaries that may make life a little better as you watch what progress he makes once he really gets going. Of course, some people are just jerks who will go through the motions of recovery without really taking it in and living it. If that happens with him you will have some decisions to make.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not suggesting it's in any way, shape, or form OK for him to treat you the way he is. I'm just suggesting that it may not be hopeless, and regardless of what he does I think you would probably benefit from Al-Anon.

Hugs,

dandylion

This is precisely why I think that there should be a law that the newly recovering should live separately from their loved ones for the first year (at least) of sobriety.
More humane for all concerned.

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Hi lolo, I hope his nasty behaviour only lasts a short time. Do you remember back o when you stopped drinking? Maybe you went through a hard time? Not saying you were nasty, but it affects everyone differently.

Have you considered some strategies for dealing with him when he starts treating you disrespectfully, without engaging or escalating? There are a few options, and I'm sure you could spend some time looking up others. Google 'assertive behaviour' or 'dealing with difficult people'.
1. You could completely ignore him and leave the room, even go for a walk if the children are old enough to leave.
2. You could refuse to respond, by using neutral statements like 'you could be right' or 'mmm that's interesting'. Leaves him with nowhere to go.
3. You could very calmly say 'don't talk to me like that'. Keep repeating if he continues.

Ruby2

Hi Lolo, I think I may have responded on another thread but I have some thoughts.

FeelingGreat has some great responses. Neutral.

You're wise to recognize that his recovery will be different. You still don't deserve to be treated poorly.

My husband used to do the same thing with accusing me of cheating. It turned out he was still using. He's an addict as well as an alcoholic. Is it possible your husband is still drinking?

I can relate to you. I'm an alcoholic too. I've got 18 months. You've done great to have 4 years with a drinking spouse. I hope you stick around to support other alcoholics trying to quit while their spouse isn't quite there yet.

I'm glad you're here.