Uplifting

Hi,
I am new the this thread in terms of posting although I have been following for a few weeks now and find it helpful. I am posting now because there is something nagging at me that I wanted to put down on email I guess and get some support and/or feedback. So I have been in a relationship with an active alcoholic for a while who also has PTSD and is not in any treatment currently. Well, that's enough about him, in terms of me I have realized that I am codependent and this has permeated all of my life for a long time including my occupation. I have asked for space in terms of my current relationship, and so we have had somewhat minimal contact. For different reasons I can't and haven't gone no contact. although at times I have. Anyway, amongst many things, what I am struggling with today or realizing that this is something hard for me, is not to call him out when I believe he is not sober. I don't even mean in an accusatory way , as I had in past, but even to say I don't want to communicate or text because I feel it an my radar is up. I have an urge to just let him know whenever I feel lied to, or that he's not been honest and I am having trouble letting go of this control. Like I want to let him know I know, even though is starting to try to hide it better even in text as I see it. I don't want to feel duped and this has been hard for me lately I am noticing and wanted to share.

thank you for listening/reading!

dandylion

Uplifting....I don't think you have to hide what you observe or know....

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

In terms of my own codependency, I realized I focused on another person in order to avoid dealing with my own fear, sadness and self-esteem. I learned not to offer unsolicited advice (keep advice-giving to myself) and developed a mantra: "it's none of my business". All the results of Alanon, which I recommend.

redatlanta

Long time ago from here on SR I learned I didn't need to point out to my husband that he was drinking, I did not need him to agree with me that he was to know it was true. He stood in front of me one day after disappearing on vacation holding a vodka barely able to stand, slurring his words, telling me "I'm not drunk"!!!!. An argument with a mosquito would have been a better choice.

Once I understood arguing with an A, especially a drunk one, is a winless war I no longer needed to smell breath, search for booze, or state "you are drunk".

Hope you get to a place where you feel the same. In the meantime hanging up or not answering/responding says it all.

Uplifting

thank you for your replies... I have just recently started going to Alanon, I have made two meetings so far and have found it helpful definitely so will keep going. I have much to learn yet about myself and this and definitely appreciate and need the support. I feel insane when I want to reply and "argue" especially when I know he's drinking, and really it doesn't matter that I know I am "right". it matters that I make healthier choices for myself because replying or responding rarely helps uplift my mood... I keep trying

ladyscribbler

You're getting yourself on a path to a healthier place. These small steps are moving you in the right direction, and the more positive choices you make for yourself, the easier it gets to let go of that "rightness" that used to seem so vitally important.
I know once I started Alanon and realizing all my character defects, I wanted to GET BETTER RIGHT NOW! I turned all that Ms. Fixit energy that I once reserved for others onto myself. I was gonna transform into a new and more perfect person as fast as I could. It took me awhile to get the whole "easy does it" thing, lol.
Keep up the good work, and don't worry about slips and trips along the way. It's all part of recovery.

LemonGirl

This is exactly how I dealt with it when I would communicate with my xabf. I had chosen to change my level of contact with him as time went on depending on how emotionally well I felt through our interactions. At times, he would come to the beach with me and my daughters (close relationships with each of us), and other times, only email. I have my reasons as well....

Anyway, no matter what he was doing, drinking or sober, it is none of my business. If I felt that he was drunk over the phone, I would politely excuse myself, end the conversation, and then shut off my phone. My xabf knew I knew.... He just didn't want to be judged.... which I never did. But I made it clear how it made me feel (just once) and that I needed to take care of myself. And that's it.
Once he tried to lie to me about drinking.... he had had this severe neck pain and had gotten some pretty heavy pain meds. He "hid" the alcohol under the guise of having taken these pills. I had planned to come over to hang out and mess around with his new guitar (we both play), and as soon as he opened the door his drinking was apparent. I told him "you know I can't stay"... to which he just asked that I don't judge him. And I didn't. I did end up staying a bit to no real consequence. He's mostly a loving drunk anyway.... just annoying and incoherent.

Anyway where you draw that line is up to you and it is your right. But the whole point of recovery for us codependents is to learn to live with the truth as it is and know that our happiness is contingent on our own actions and thoughts and not others.... which means that his drinking or choice in finally working sobriety is none of our business. (I do think, however, that positive support is just fine; not all of us feel that way though). Recovery is also about self love... what it looks like, how to practice it, and what it can do for our lives...

Uplifting

Thank you Lemongirl, what you said and how I read it really resonates with me and is helpful to hear. I know that I am working on getting well and taking care of myself better, but I do fall into old habits and it is hard to let go fully, even if it is someone or something that really as I see it only causes me heartache on so many levels. It is hard to let go of a "dream or wish" I have and to see someone who is really underneath the addiction, as you probably all relate to, as an amazing person who is sick. But he is not ready and I have accepted that on most levels, it just occasionally rears its ugly head and I am confronted with the "sickness" and it scares the s*** out of me and saddens me and those feelings are harder to tolerate without action on my part. Although I am realizing that my action can be in taking care of myself, reflecting on what's best for me in the moment and making different actions, even if he is not. I love and try to remember the quote that says something like, I affirm that it is my right to change and grow even if someone that I love is not...

LemonGirl

Ah yes... the dreams and the hopes that we shared..... your post really resonated with me too =)

I still have the dreams. His image usually pops up in my dreaming of what I want in my life. Lately I have been on this kick to open myself up to the possibilities and allow the universe to do what I am asking of it, which requires me to let go of the details, including him. There are literally thousands upon thousands of "perfect" matches out there for me considering the stats of how many people are on this earth. So, my dreams are still my dreams, and I still believe in them. They don't have to involve him. It's really simple, actually. My hopes and dreams did not line up with his hopes and dreams (alcohol), so we were not able to dream together. The more we allow ourselves to see things as they really are, the letting go of the person is much easier. No need to let go of the dream. He just messed up his audition is all. Next! lol....

Or, in a much slower, gentler sort of, letting it go one day at a time and taking baby steps to move on. That is usually how waking up from these relationships go. Next time (if I don't end up back with my xabf because I do still hold out hope too... as time has gone on, however, I have taken more and more steps away from him).... Next time, I'll be able to say "Next!" before the audition goes into practicing the play! Thank God it never went to the actual performance night! (marriage)

LemonGirl

What made it so darn hard to get to the fact that my dreams are still my dreams is that my past is riddled with men who didn't "fit" in my life... not just because they were usually sick themselves with some sort of addiction or narcissistic behavior, but because my xabf is EXACTLY who I was looking for. I recently had an aha moment where I realized that even his addiction to alcohol is part of what I was subconsciously looking for... because for me, I had always idealized the relationship my mother had with my step-dad. He was an awesome man to know! Truly! But, alcohol killed his liver and he passed away a little over two years ago, leaving my codependent mother who now has her own drinking problem to fend for herself. 7 months into my relationship with my beautiful xabf, something BIG happened and it caused me to take a step back and reassess my relationship. When I did, I discovered all sorts of unhealthy things, including the fact that I had actively been looking for an unhealthy partner... and going inside myself and looking at my childhood and past, I was able to uncover many events and aspects that led me to this point in my life. I got the man I dreamt about.
Now, I am still kind of lost at what I want to dream about in that way... working on that one though!
Anyway, a soulmate feeling is when we meet someone who fits what we know we are looking for, plus that deep subconscious thing we are looking for that makes that person feel like "home". I am ready to redefine what "home" feels like.... How will your life be down the road...? What is it you are dreaming about that he just doesn't fit into? What actions are you taking to get there, and what actions is he taking, if any...? Are they congruent? Because couples who work in congruence are what, so I've read and learned through psychology courses, professors, and books, is what keeps couples together. Meh... just my opinion maybe. lol...

Uplifting

I completely agree about the seeking relationships for a reason and upon reflection also have a good idea why I fell for him and the purpose it is serving and/or at this point not serving me, and wow you totally have said the words I have felt and said out loud about him, feeling like "home"... unfortunately that has been a so far unhealthy home and man I wish it could fulfill and be congruent on all fronts, but it just isn't and may never be. I do know that his soul and being and heart wants what I want, but he is just not there yet since he is so in the grips on the addiction and I was in the grips of codependency. and I just really wish he would be able to change and grow at the same time I am, and I think I am just grieving for the fact that is not the reality. and I still find myself subconsciously clinging to that wish which is why some of my old behaviors return..
work in progress and I know it takes time and effort on my part and writing this all down helps me to process it and get it out so I appreciate this forum for that!