15 months

Old 06-13-2015, 02:55 AM
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15 months

It was 15 months yesterday since ex a walked out. I didn't even realise at first and when I did I had to add up the months, suppose that's something I'm not automatically remembering the day.

In some ways I feel that I have moved on, I've recognised that my marriage was toxic, that he was abusive and was never going to change and fulfil his promises. But I've also recognised my part, my obsessive and controlling tendencies, insecurities and so much more. I also recognise that I was this way due to childhood and also due to how he treated me throughout my marriage. I'm not placing the blame solely on him, I'm responsible for my own behaviour!! I'm still anxious and insecure but I look forward to coming home and the weekends no longer worrying what mood he would be in, if he would drink that weekend, sneak out, drive or not come home. I can now sleep at night. I no longer worry about what he is doing and my home is so peaceful with the exception of teenage dramas lol.

But here's where I am still stuck, I'm still obsessive and insecure, still deeply hurt, still feel that if someone doesn't want to be with me that I've done something wrong and want to know why and what I did so I can fix it suppose fix me so I will be someone they like and want to be with.

I still say things I don't mean. Take recent old friend, I told him Honestly I wasn't ready for more than friendship that I was still getting over my marriage and I needed to find out who I was as I had no idea. etc but when it seemed he wanted more I said I was ready when I wasn't, told him I knew who I was etc. I think I did this because I thought if I didn't he wouldn't want to be friends. In the end I blew it because he changed his mind and Did just want to be friends and I didn't know what I had done wrong and went into crazy mode trying to fix it. He was so full on at the start and I enjoyed the attention then he backed off and I didn't understand why. This was unconscious and thinking about it now I acted automatically, say something to keep him, so he will like you be what he wants. I got so caught up in my old behaviours I didn't even know I was doing it so he would like me and wouldn't reject me and I could prove to myself that I am someone people want to be around.

Yes I knew the behaviours after acted to ease my anxiety but as I know this only works for a while then my anxiety escalates again.

So what have I learned, to keep in mind what I need at this time not what someone else wants. If that person can't accept who I am and where I am in my life then that's ok. What's more important is that I don't rush into anything and think clearly and remember where I am and what I am ready for.

Maybe I'm just not ready for new people in my life, not until I can manage my own emotions and behaviours.
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Old 06-13-2015, 04:13 AM
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(((Hugs)))

Take your time. There's no rush and you'll be stronger in the end. It's been 8 months for me and I have no intention of seeking out a relationship until I'm sure I'm ok. And in some ways I'm not there yet. Not because I'm afraid of acting weird or clingy, but because I'm actually enjoying this bit of me time. I want to have fun this summer just kicking around with no obligations. In fall (when I need a warm cuddle!lol!) I will start looking around. You've nothing to prove to anyone about anything. The people who can't accept you for yourself are simply not meant to be part of your life.

One of the things that we do in SMART Recovery is that we give our addictive/negative voice a name. It is a part of us, and unhealed part, but not the totality of who we are or even the biggest part of who we are. It's just the part that has taken over like a dictator making itself bigger than it is. That's why we eschew any labels. We have power over this voice. We have power over the thoughts that we choose to hold on to. It may take some time to recognize it in all of its disguises like insecurity masquerading as concern. But, with practice and mindfulness you can on cover the process that gives the beast life. We look at this "beast" objectively and have a conversation or tell it to clam up. It's like a naughty child that demands attention. And it, like booze or drugs, fights to stay active. You have to starve it out.

You're on your way for sure. Knowing that there is something amiss is more clarity than many people have right now. You're going to be spectacular and some lucky guy will know it!
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Old 06-13-2015, 04:19 AM
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Oh hon. Just work on you. Be happy by yourself. Do not beat yourself up for having a moment. There is a saying I like. "It is a bad day. Not a bad life" Just keep focused on you. The rest will come. You attract what you want. So make YOU who you want to be. 《Hugs》
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Old 06-13-2015, 05:15 AM
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This idea of changing yourself to be who you think people want is pretty exhausting for you, and ends up being disappointing for all involved. We can only fake who we are, fake what we like and don't, and present a personality or behavior which isn't true to our core for so long.

The results of this is not good. People will eventually stop faking and when they do they are often surprised that the friendship or relationship fails. The mindset goes back to "shouldn't you like me for who I am"? Insecurity and resentment grows. In the end the person who faked it loses anyway they put on a mask to be what they think someone else wants so they can assure a relationship - then when they remove it are shocked to lose the relationship (be it a friendship or romantic interest).

Your most recent events prove this. You told the dude what he wanted to hear, you did what you thought he wanted, then you freaked out. Of course you freaked out because you aren't ready for a relationship. Then he bolted for the hills, not because there is something intrinsically wrong with who you are, but because you waved the flag trying to back step, then tried to change that, then change again. All actions trying to find the one that would work to get him to return to "liking" you and act like he did in the first place. In the end you ended up rejected which is what you were trying to avoid in the first place.

I don't know how to tell you to get to a place where you just be. To me I say be yourself - its not YOU, its your behavior. Behavior can be changed. The ironic thing is this person was attracted to the real you, its the fake you that contorted to offer him what you think he wanted that was rejected.

I hope you see this. Rejection is an unfortunate part of life (or as I have realized can actually be fortunate. Some people aren't meant to be in our lives, and aren't positive for us).Not everyone is going to like us. That is ok - Do you like everyone you have ever met? I doubt it.
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Old 06-13-2015, 05:18 AM
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I agree about not stressing about things and keeping the focus on yourself.

Getting the divorce settled will actually help quite a bit with that I bet--having things unsettled makes it hard to stay centered.

What's the status on that and how can you get the process accelerated and finished?
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:48 AM
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Butterfly, what stands out for me in your post is the immense progress you've made in the past 15 months. Look at all of the insights you've had and the resulting changes in your behavior - -

"In some ways I feel that I have moved on, I've recognised that my marriage was toxic, that he was abusive and was never going to change and fulfil his promises. But I've also recognised my part, my obsessive and controlling tendencies, insecurities and so much more. I also recognise that I was this way due to childhood and also due to how he treated me throughout my marriage. I'm not placing the blame solely on him, I'm responsible for my own behaviour!! I'm still anxious and insecure but I look forward to coming home and the weekends no longer worrying what mood he would be in, if he would drink that weekend, sneak out, drive or not come home. I can now sleep at night. I no longer worry about what he is doing and my home is so peaceful with the exception of teenage dramas lol."

This is huge!!!!! Take a long moment and savor your growth and your success!!!!! I think that being able to acknowledge our own growth and take pleasure in it is part of recovery. It is part of assimilating the "new and happier me" into our own self-image.

Yes, there is more to learn, more anxieties and insecurities to examine understand, and release. For me, it was over two and a half years before I felt confident in my own skin again.

I didn't seriously date or entertain a relationship with any one else until I felt comfortable with my relationship with myself. So, I'd suggest that as a measure of when you truly feel ready to start dating. In the meantime, it is fine to have friends and explore what you like to do, let your true self emerge day by day.

As to how you reacted to the man in question, it seems that you sort of lifted your own relationship angst, (probably from your childhood and marriage), and sat it down on top of your new relationship with the man, then acted out your behavior script as if he was acting the way your former husband and parents did. It doesn't sound as if the new man was giving you signals to respond as you did; it sounds more like programmed behavior from past trauma that you superimposed on this new friendship.

So, if that is at all accurate, it is a huge "heads-up" as to where you want to focus next in understanding your past behavior and growing beyond it. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships [Patrick Carnes Ph.D.] is a fabulous book about this that you might find helpful.

Take heart! Your progress is super, and it is the human condition to always see another place to grow ahead.

ShootingStar1
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Old 06-13-2015, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
Maybe I'm just not ready for new people in my life, not until I can manage my own emotions and behaviours.
That's why I went on "relationship hiatus" in the first place. Funny thing is after a while, I realized I enjoyed my own space more than I did dealing with another person in my life. Maybe someday I'll meet someone who will enhance my life (rather than being more work or dragging me down) and I'll change my mind. For now, this is a lot better for me.
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Old 06-13-2015, 10:13 AM
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Thank you everyone

Shooting star no he didn't give me signals to behave the way I did but I panicked either because he got too close too quickly and my behaviour was to push him away or I thought he didn't like me and I was clinging on!!

Hawkeye, my work is holding it all up I've requested my pension estimate several times and they keep messing it up and delaying everything. I'm getting really frustrated as I want this over. At times I think just sign his petition get it over with but I know I have to think of my financial security for the future!!

I am sad that I messed this friendship up, he was a really good friend a long time ago and the only reason we lost touch was because ex a didn't like him and was jealous of our friendship!
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Old 06-13-2015, 10:15 AM
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Thank you red, I think the problem is for me I don't know who I am and I certainly don't like who I am now!!
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Old 06-13-2015, 11:33 AM
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once you find "you" and once you like you again, the rest will fall into place. I know it will
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Old 06-13-2015, 11:40 AM
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Butterfly - If you were friends for a long time, it doesn't mean you can't be again. sometimes friendships just need to chill. I had a blow up with a friend once that resulted in a year of not talking. Then when my mom got sick she called me. We didn't even talk about what happened it didn't matter. We have never talked about it. We both acted stupid. Time heals a lot.
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Old 06-13-2015, 12:11 PM
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We were friends 16 yrs ago but lost touch we only met up again recently.
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