beverson

Where to begin. I came home last night to my wife drunk, hiding out in the hot tub. She was acting shy around me, so I ask is she has been drinking. She doesnt understand me and asks me whats wrong. I say "whats up drunky?" She gets mad and decides to sleep in the other bedroom.
Now a little back story. We have been married for about a year and a half. Ive always kind of known she had a problem, but didnt really recognize it until maybe a year ago. Everytime she would get drunk it would be an argument. I was working full time and going to school full time and doing my best to try to spend time with her. I would come home and she would be drunk. Multiple beer bottles on the patio, sometimes hidden, sometimes not. A couple times during an argument, she threatened divorce. She would get me steaming almost to the point of violence saying nasty things to me. So begining of the year I come home and she has a friend of ours over along with a friend of his. The are drinking and partying. I try to keep things under control, to get them to leave, but couldnt let drunk people drive. The three of them end up at the community pool, later our friend comes back alone ready to go home. The two of them are still up there. After stewing enough I walk to the pool and catch them in the act. The aftermath was horrible. She threatens suicide grabbing any blade possible. In the weeks that followed she started going to AA meeting, going to see her psychologist and going regularly to therapy. Things seemed to be getting back on track. Then we find out she is pregnant and there is a possibilty it is not mine. After a couple of doctors visits we find out that conception happened about a week before the infidelity. Couple of weeks later we find out the pregnancy is not viable, no heatbeat after 10 weeks, and it is terminated. We move in with her parents in an effort to save for a house. Then at a family party she gets drunk. She has been house/dog sitting off and on for the last couple months, and twice when she has been at home, I have come home from work to her obviously drunk.
I know I have not done what I should have during all of this, and Im considering leaving. I think I should have a long time ago. Im afraid to leave this woman I love, but I have lost all trust in her. I keep questioning what she is doing when she is house sitting, getting drunk, cheating, trying to cheat. Im just afraid of what will happen and where I will go, what I will do. After typing all of this out, it seems that things are really ******, pardon my language. None of our family knows anything about this. I just dont know what to do. I dont know how to talk to her about this, Im afraid once the conversation starts things are going to get really bad, really quick.

honeypig

It would seem that things already ARE "really bad", beverson--right?

Welcome to SR, and I hope you find the support you're looking for here. One of the first things that comes to mind is a saying that is repeated often here--When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You've been shown, alright, and it's been a painful awakening for you. I'm sorry you find yourself in that situation.

If you read around in the forum a bit, I'm sure you'll find other threads and posts that echo your situation. Checking the stickies at the top of the page is a good idea, also. This is a thread from there that I like to refer newbies to: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Your feeling that you need to leave is probably right--life w/an active A is not going to get any better, and she doesn't seem to have any interest in getting sober, from what you've said. Take care of yourself.

firebolt

You sound like a good person, who deserves a much, much better partner than what you have. You've experienced some serious trauma from her in the short time you've been married! So painful, and so much stress.... Many of us here are / were in the same boat. You will find a lot of support here! I'm sorry for the reasons you are here, but you are taking a BIG step in the right direction to finding some peace for yourself. Please read, learn, and order "Codependent no more" and the Language of Letting Go!" Alanon or another support recovery meeting will change your life as well. (((HUG)))

Latte

Welcome to SR. I am so glad you are here.

You are not alone.

Refiner

Wow, that sounds really really bad. Just be glad you aren't tied down by a house or worse... children with this person and that she showed her true colors really early in the marriage. And if she tries to blame the cheating on being drunk, don't believe that. They are separate issues. That person has some very serious issues. I'm glad you found SR. You'll learn so much here and get support you deserve!

iGirl66

Hello, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Please read all that you can and by all means get help and support for yourself. You are not in a relationship, you are being held hostage by her threats. You say that you are afraid of losing this woman you love, but you've lost all trust. What are you afraid of? Without trust there is no love, only maladjusted dependency. She is a train wreck and has no problem dragging you down. She has destroyed the trust that you gave in favor of alcohol. It's been a year, don't make it 20. She is not going to get better because you stay or worse because you leave. She has her own bottom to hit and if this pregnancy thing wasn't it, God only knows what is. You on the other hand will get worse. You sound like a nice man. But that's not enough to change her. Only she can do that.

beverson

Thank you for your support. I think part of what makes this so hard is that no one outside of us knows about the infidelity or the extent of the drinking. I have to break the news to my friends, family, her family that she has done all of this. While I know it not true, it still shameful that this has happened. Like I have been effeminated. I will have to make a plan to get out. Get a new place to live, and figure out how to get my things out without creating too many waves. Beyond that, I pay all the bills. She will need to be off all insurance, phone all of that. It seems overwhelming to pick up and move on. So I guess I start by putting some money aside and begin to plan my out before. Then when Im ready, let it all go and move.

redatlanta

Hi and welcome sorry for why you are here. Do some reading. I think you will find that alcohol does not a cheating spouse make. In other words, you have core problems aside from her drinking.

You have no obligation to explain to anyone, NOBODY, why you divorce if that is what you choose. "Not compatible" is a simple two word sentence that covers it all.

searching peace

I agree with redatlanta. No one needs an explanation. It is your business. I'm so sorry you have had to experience al of that. As difficult as the pregnancy and loss must be, it truly is best that you did not have children with an active A. You sound healthy and like you are doing well in your life. Luckily, you have only been married a short time, so it is doubtful you will owe her anything financial such as alimony or support. I am sorry you had to experience all of this. Hopefully you can use this as a learning experience and learn about yourself and why you married someone unhealthy so you are able to break the pattern and have healthy relationships in the future. Stay strong. You are thinking clearly.

noinsanity2423

^^ This.

I'm really sorry to hear about how your wife has been behaving and the pain that it has caused you. I'm sure no words can describe the pain that her behavior causes you, but trust me, man, I know how it feels when someone betrays you like that.

Your description of your wife sounds exactly like my ex fiancé. She had a drinking problem, too, and she wound up cheating on me while she was drunk. I've read stories from many people, and the one thing that holds true is that even the heaviest of drinkers don't always have a cheating problem. The drinking is often used as an excuse to cheat. "I'm sorry. I was drunk." Fact is, if alcohol could be used as an excuse, we would have a lot fewer people in prison.

Feel free to read my story "I Left the Chaos." I have some additional info in "Anger Stage."

No one can tell you what to do or when to leave, but I can say that leaving was my only option. In the end, we have to realize that we can't control what other people do, but we can only control how we respond to it. If your wife really wants to get better and turn her life around, she will do it on her own, with or without you.

The important thing is not to let her behavior continue to hurt you because it will slowly, but surely, eat your heart and your soul like 1000 paper cuts. Paying the consequences of her actions will ruin your life. I did myself a favor by leaving, but it's up to you what you want to do.

Stung

Hi, Welcome to SR.

I'm sorry for what brings you here. I'm also married to an alcoholic and my only suggestion to you, is when you begin to feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done for you to break ties, that you break things down into smaller manageable tasks. Also, consider that you don't need to make any decisions today and that you don't need to make all decisions at once. Maybe just for today decide that you want to move out. Just because you decide to do something doesn't mean you need to do it right this second.

None of your decisions need to be explained to anyone. From the sounds of things you have accepted a lot of unacceptable behaviors from your wife and have tried to let time work things out, and yet things remain unpalatable.

As for feeling emasculated. Have you tried any al-anon meetings? In my area there are lots of men that attend al-anon, men who are currently married to female alcoholics that are either still drinking or sober and men who are divorced, there are even men only al-anon meetings. You're not alone in your situation and it might be comforting to you to find some other dudes to confide in and glean experiences from.

Sending you strength.

denphen

I feel for you. My husband drinks daily and my dad is an alcoholic it's always been around me and it's rough. Trying to cope for them and yourself is hard.

FeelingGreat

Beverson, you sound like you feel you need to tell everyone why you're leaving. This will involve spreading horrible (although true) stories about her, and I caution you against doing that. You might want to tell her parents about her drinking, out of concern for her, but I'd leave it at that.
If you're going to break up, it will be traumatic enough without you feeling you have to justify yourself. Also be aware that she might suddenly become sober, and make you all sorts of promises about the future. A rule of thumb is that an A should be sober and working on themselves for at least a year before you would consider contact.

beverson

Its not necessarily that I want to tell everyone, but I feel that once the flood gates are opened, its all going to come out. I am afraid of everyone knowing that she cheated, it feels as if I did something wrong. I know I didnt, but still. I am sure that she will be sober, and apologize, pass blame, make excuses, say it was just a couple beers, it doesnt happen often, Im overreacting and on and on.

I appreciate all of the support from a bunch of anonymous internet strangers. I hope I can be strong enough to go through with this. Im sick of feeling like a battered spouse.

searching peace

It doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks about your situation but you!!! People are going to talk and assume even if you don't give them anything to talk about. You cannot worry about other people's reactions. No one is living your life but you. No one needs to understand any of this. It is YOUR business and no one else's!

maybear

So sorry for what you are going through.

Like you, I was so worried about having to explain things to people. Having everything come out. Having to justify myself etc. my husband and I have been together for a long time but only married for 2 years.

I will say that you may get some upsetting/difficult to manage reactions from friends or family but in the end it will make you stronger as you quickly learn how to navigate conversations and protect yourself.

In the end, you know the truth. And those closest to you will know too. As the saying goes, those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter.

redatlanta

Our minds always go to the worse case scenario.....did it ever enter your mind that if people knew you would receive compassion and support? Do you really think your family upon hearing (if you CHOOSE to disclose) that your wife had sex with a friend at your community pool and you caught her they would view it as something being wrong with you? Do you think your friends would think badly of you and that somehow this is all your fault?

How about this - she is an alcoholic. I choose not to ruin my life and the lives of my family due to her problem. I choose not to have children with someone who not only is an alcoholic, but who also is lacking a moral compass. She conceived a child after having caught her. BTW tests that were done aren't foolproof, there is no guarantee that was your genetic child. End of story.

I kinda of think that you think others will believe your wife cheated on you because you were lacking in the sex dept? Is that why you would feel emasculated? If so think again. You can go anywhere on the web regarding cheating spouses and see that having a great sex life doesn't keep people from cheating if its their character to do so.

firebolt

I am saying this partially for myself too:

Getting a new place,
moving,
Informing people that need to know / that you want to tell,
and forgiving yourself

seem a lot easier than

covering up her drinking,
holding onto shame that is not yours
covering up her affair
living with an absent spouse
living with the abuse of an alcoholic (she may have never hit you, but I'd be willing to argue that ANYONE living with an alcoholic is living with some form of abuse)
and living in a situation that will ONLY get worse

Like I said, I had to write that down partially for me too.

It's like the "compare" checkbox when you go to purchase something online and want to weigh which product is best. Seems obvious huh?!

Our needs, feelings, dreams, and SOULS are worth more than the situation we have created for ourselves, and it is up to us to change it.

(((HUGS))) Lots of empathy here for the struggle to break free.

beverson

So, it's been a while. We have been trying to work things out, and, I thought things were going well. My wife miscarried. And as much as I hate to say, I'm kind of glad. Now I'm not burdened thinking we have a child that is not mine. We went to counseling, have been spending quality time together. But my schedule changed at work and I've been working swings. I've come home a few times to her drunk. Kept going on. Now tonight I come home and have a bad feeling, she's got makeup on and seems a little drunk. I wait until she's sleeping and snoop through her phone. Texts and calls from a guy she said on Facebook was a middle school crush. Apparently he came and picked her up to go get a beer. I'm done, now I can't sleep. I plan on confronting her in the morning but am starting to try to plan moving out. We are currently living with her parents trying to save for a down payment for a house, but if she confirms what I already know then I'm out. Any tips for getting out, packing moving finding a new place?

SparkleKitty

I am so sorry. None of this can feel good. Do you really need her to confirm this? Can you really trust what she says? I think you know what you know. The sooner you can leave and get some headspace, the less chance of getting reeled back in. Do you have a friend you can stay with until you find your own place?