Grief
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: london uk
Posts: 261
Grief
I don't know where else to post this except for the sensitives on SR. Sadly my mum died yesterday after a long battle with lung disease.. I was there to the very end and was lucky to hold her hand and talk to her through it all
But after telling friends and family I'm just left with a void, a terrible sense of loss, guilt, and pain.
My dad passed 2 years ago with a brain tumour and all my energy was focussed on keeping mum going through her grief and all the transitions through hospitals and a nursing home.
I feel like I am now grieveing 2 parents, the loss of my childhood, my home and everything that defined me.. My mum was the glue that held all the tenuous parts of family and friends together and now she is gone I'm just adrift
Posters on SR, how have you coped with grief..
But after telling friends and family I'm just left with a void, a terrible sense of loss, guilt, and pain.
My dad passed 2 years ago with a brain tumour and all my energy was focussed on keeping mum going through her grief and all the transitions through hospitals and a nursing home.
I feel like I am now grieveing 2 parents, the loss of my childhood, my home and everything that defined me.. My mum was the glue that held all the tenuous parts of family and friends together and now she is gone I'm just adrift
Posters on SR, how have you coped with grief..
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
(((((hugs))))) I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was 19 & while it was positively shocking to me emotionally, my focus was on helping my mom through that time.... I totally understand how you could have pushed off the grief from your dad's passing & it's all hitting you now like a ton of bricks. I think what you are feeling is normal - a kind of disassociation we ALL feel after losing both parents.
I know others with more experience will be along to offer great resources & suggestions. My only "advice" would be to let it out & try to avoid "stuffing" your feelings. From your history I can see that you are struggling with sobriety & it can be easy to dive into drinking to try to alleviate your grief. Do you do AA? Can you hit some extra meetings, reach out & lean on others?
I know others with more experience will be along to offer great resources & suggestions. My only "advice" would be to let it out & try to avoid "stuffing" your feelings. From your history I can see that you are struggling with sobriety & it can be easy to dive into drinking to try to alleviate your grief. Do you do AA? Can you hit some extra meetings, reach out & lean on others?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for your loss.
I've lost my dad and more recently, my mom. It was tough on me and my sisters. I don't think I really grieved until I got her estate settled. Then in sunk in.
This is before I got clean and sober; so sadly, I didn't handle it well. In hindsight I would tell the grieving doggonecarl to go ahead and feel sad. It's okay. Children losing their parents is the natural order. Grieving is natural.
But being lost in your grief and despairing is not. If you are overwhelmed with saddness, get yourself to grief counseling.
Again, sorry for your loss.
I've lost my dad and more recently, my mom. It was tough on me and my sisters. I don't think I really grieved until I got her estate settled. Then in sunk in.
This is before I got clean and sober; so sadly, I didn't handle it well. In hindsight I would tell the grieving doggonecarl to go ahead and feel sad. It's okay. Children losing their parents is the natural order. Grieving is natural.
But being lost in your grief and despairing is not. If you are overwhelmed with saddness, get yourself to grief counseling.
Again, sorry for your loss.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents. (((HUGS))) We are going through a brain tumor with my dad right now - Glioblastoma stage 4. Absolute hell.
There is a process we just have to go through. It is ok to feel empty, alone sad, angry everything in between. Crying, screaming, laughing, (sometimes within minutes of eachother) are all ok too.
I hope you can take some time for yourself. Then some time to be with friends and other family. Then some time to get back into the things that give you peace.
I don't know if you believe in God, afterlife, or anything like that. If so, there is A LOT of comfort there. Look for signs of them - when my boss's father died, she was outside of the funeral home smoking, and BAM - the sprinklers came on and hosed her and her smoke. "That was dad" she said. There is so much beauty in those "touches" from them.
If you don't believe in that kind of thing, there is so much peace in knowing that hurt is over for them - it's just on us and we can take it. The fond memories get us through and we can pass their stories and legacy on to others - keep talking about them, their great, funny, and amazing stories!
Sending you peace <3
There is a process we just have to go through. It is ok to feel empty, alone sad, angry everything in between. Crying, screaming, laughing, (sometimes within minutes of eachother) are all ok too.
I hope you can take some time for yourself. Then some time to be with friends and other family. Then some time to get back into the things that give you peace.
I don't know if you believe in God, afterlife, or anything like that. If so, there is A LOT of comfort there. Look for signs of them - when my boss's father died, she was outside of the funeral home smoking, and BAM - the sprinklers came on and hosed her and her smoke. "That was dad" she said. There is so much beauty in those "touches" from them.
If you don't believe in that kind of thing, there is so much peace in knowing that hurt is over for them - it's just on us and we can take it. The fond memories get us through and we can pass their stories and legacy on to others - keep talking about them, their great, funny, and amazing stories!
Sending you peace <3
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,524
Jimdi, I've recently lost my mother too. There's no getting around the grieving process, but sharing how you feel with those who understand helps ease the pain. I think it's great you have reached out - and I will pray for you to be comforted.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
I'm very sorry for your loss. My parents died two weeks apart. My dad had cancer and my mom had a heart attack as we were gathering for his passing. When I finally could feel enough to grieve. That's to say when the Xanax and vodka wore off, it was hell. The world just didn't seem right. They were gone, yet the world kept going. I didn't understand how humanity could just go blithely on in the face of the inevitable. But it does, because it has to.
Eventually I came to a place where I celebrated their lives more than grieved their deaths. EVENTUALLY. There's no time line or best way, but in time it will get easier. My favorite scene in Hamlet is when the king is trying to convince Hamlet to take off his mourning attire. He explains that though he has lost a father, Hamlets father lost his father, and his great grandfather before lost his father. It is the way of life. Rather than that being cold, it gave me a sense of the continuity of life. My parents had full lives and their memories live in me. As I will for my children.
It will never be "right" but it will be better. (((Hugs)))
Eventually I came to a place where I celebrated their lives more than grieved their deaths. EVENTUALLY. There's no time line or best way, but in time it will get easier. My favorite scene in Hamlet is when the king is trying to convince Hamlet to take off his mourning attire. He explains that though he has lost a father, Hamlets father lost his father, and his great grandfather before lost his father. It is the way of life. Rather than that being cold, it gave me a sense of the continuity of life. My parents had full lives and their memories live in me. As I will for my children.
It will never be "right" but it will be better. (((Hugs)))
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
I'm so sorry Jim.
I think the best way to deal with grief is to actually deal with it.
I spent many years drinking against grief - it never made the grief any less, it just pushed it to one side.]
It was like being stuck in a holding pattern.
It's ok to cry and it's ok to be sad - it's natural. It's the way we humans deal with loss and pain.
We get through grief to get to a place where we can pick ourselves up and get on with our day to day life.
If your grief is overwhelming you, would you consider grief counselling, Jim?
D
I think the best way to deal with grief is to actually deal with it.
I spent many years drinking against grief - it never made the grief any less, it just pushed it to one side.]
It was like being stuck in a holding pattern.
It's ok to cry and it's ok to be sad - it's natural. It's the way we humans deal with loss and pain.
We get through grief to get to a place where we can pick ourselves up and get on with our day to day life.
If your grief is overwhelming you, would you consider grief counselling, Jim?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am so sorry for your loss Jim. Over the past two years my dad has had a stroke and heart attack. My mom diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (bone marrow cancer). I have watched them go from independent a lively to both disabled. I have cried many tears my friend, and grieve the losses that just keep coming.
I good cry for me helps. Then I get up and shake it off I do something to relieve my mind which can swirl into a deeper sadness. I also try not to think along the lines of "woulda, coulda, shoulda"- it is what it is.
Lots of hugs to you (((hugs)))
I good cry for me helps. Then I get up and shake it off I do something to relieve my mind which can swirl into a deeper sadness. I also try not to think along the lines of "woulda, coulda, shoulda"- it is what it is.
Lots of hugs to you (((hugs)))
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I'm very sorry for your loss. I think Dee summed it up well. I've dealt with grief over my mom and grandmother, but unfortunately, I was drinking throughout those years, so I never got a chance to grieve properly. I was definitely caught in a holding pattern, as Dee mentioned above, because my emotional reactions and responses were bastardized by the alcohol. Really, the best way is just to go ahead and let yourself feel them full on. And again, so sorry for your loss, and sending many hugs your way 
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I'm so sorry for your loss. My father passed away in February. I believe everyone has their own unique way of grieving and one is not better than another. Whatever helps you get through this pain and come out the other side is what you need to do. I have grieved friends, and several family members over my lifetime. And each one has been a different grieving process. The best thing I have done is to try to emulate a characteristic or behavior that made them special in my eyes. And I feel that their life wasn't in vain and will continue on in a small way, that way. For example, my aunt was very southern and loved welcoming friends and family into her home anytime and all of the time. I try to make everyone feel welcome and loved when they are in our home. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and comfort during this trying time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Jim, but am glad you reached out.
My mom died at the age of 50, 24 years ago. I was in nursing school and had signed up to take "Death and Dying", having no idea that I would start that class 2 weeks after she died.
I was extremely angry that the world kept spinning - didn't they know how much I was hurting?!?!?
I learned the stages of grief, but had no idea that I would bounce around between them several times a day or even in an hour. That I would be in one stage, my dad in another. He would want to talk about her death, I didn't want to hear about it.
My class instructor was amazing and the one thing I have remembered from all those years ago is when she said "the pain never really goes away. However, the pain that literally takes your breath away and makes you want to crumble to the floor gets further and further apart, and you WILL get to a point where you smile or laugh at a good memory. You will always miss them, but you need to feel what you feel, as hard as it is, and trust that it won't always be this hard".
I thought she was crazy but she was right. For me, any time I lose a loved one, I relive the grief of everyone else I lost, but I just walk through it and cry, yell in the woods, punch a few pillows, whatever I need to do. I talk to people who "get it".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My mom died at the age of 50, 24 years ago. I was in nursing school and had signed up to take "Death and Dying", having no idea that I would start that class 2 weeks after she died.
I was extremely angry that the world kept spinning - didn't they know how much I was hurting?!?!?
I learned the stages of grief, but had no idea that I would bounce around between them several times a day or even in an hour. That I would be in one stage, my dad in another. He would want to talk about her death, I didn't want to hear about it.
My class instructor was amazing and the one thing I have remembered from all those years ago is when she said "the pain never really goes away. However, the pain that literally takes your breath away and makes you want to crumble to the floor gets further and further apart, and you WILL get to a point where you smile or laugh at a good memory. You will always miss them, but you need to feel what you feel, as hard as it is, and trust that it won't always be this hard".
I thought she was crazy but she was right. For me, any time I lose a loved one, I relive the grief of everyone else I lost, but I just walk through it and cry, yell in the woods, punch a few pillows, whatever I need to do. I talk to people who "get it".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: london uk
Posts: 261
Thankyou to everyone for your responses. I will come back to these over time to help me.
Right now struggling with the grief, and regrets and feeling hopeless.. I'm trying to reach back into the past and remember good things, but that's hard.
Right now struggling with the grief, and regrets and feeling hopeless.. I'm trying to reach back into the past and remember good things, but that's hard.
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