Why did I bother??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Holyoke, MA
Posts: 156
Why did I bother??
Hi everyone! Good morning from Massachusetts!!
UGH! I let my guard down and texted the ex yesterday! All day at work yesterday, all I did was reminisce about the GOOD times that we had over the 4 years we were together and how alcohol completely destroyed that. What's worse is that we allowed it to!! I'm blessed that I didn't pick up the bottle but I'm saddened that he's being such a jerk!! I've never been one to be at a loss for words, in fact, if I got paid to talk I would probably be a zillionaire!! I asked him why he is acting so cold hearted and if he knew an EIGHTH of what I was feeling like, he would NEVER be acting the way he is!! He had the audacity to tell me he's acting like this "because 'I' made him this way"!!! OMG! Really?? I just wish I could have back the guy that I fell in love with. I would do just about anything to get that! I would go to counseling in a NY minute!! I just wish we could sit down and really TALK about things. Each time we've fought (it wasn't like this in the beginning), we would have our time apart for a few days and then 1 of us would reach out and we would get back together and just sweep the fight under the carpet. The way I see it, looking back now, is that just made things worse because when we would fight, the things swept away would just come back to play in my head and fester, and I would get more angry and lash out and act a bigger idiot than I was already acting!!
I just need some words of wisdom I think! I know I'm not alone here and that many of you have had similar situations like this happen to you! How in God's name do I cope with this? I can't FORCE him to talk to me if he doesn't want to. It kills me because I know that deep down, somewhere in him lies that gentle, caring, beautiful person who stole my heart 4 years ago!!
UGH! I let my guard down and texted the ex yesterday! All day at work yesterday, all I did was reminisce about the GOOD times that we had over the 4 years we were together and how alcohol completely destroyed that. What's worse is that we allowed it to!! I'm blessed that I didn't pick up the bottle but I'm saddened that he's being such a jerk!! I've never been one to be at a loss for words, in fact, if I got paid to talk I would probably be a zillionaire!! I asked him why he is acting so cold hearted and if he knew an EIGHTH of what I was feeling like, he would NEVER be acting the way he is!! He had the audacity to tell me he's acting like this "because 'I' made him this way"!!! OMG! Really?? I just wish I could have back the guy that I fell in love with. I would do just about anything to get that! I would go to counseling in a NY minute!! I just wish we could sit down and really TALK about things. Each time we've fought (it wasn't like this in the beginning), we would have our time apart for a few days and then 1 of us would reach out and we would get back together and just sweep the fight under the carpet. The way I see it, looking back now, is that just made things worse because when we would fight, the things swept away would just come back to play in my head and fester, and I would get more angry and lash out and act a bigger idiot than I was already acting!!
I just need some words of wisdom I think! I know I'm not alone here and that many of you have had similar situations like this happen to you! How in God's name do I cope with this? I can't FORCE him to talk to me if he doesn't want to. It kills me because I know that deep down, somewhere in him lies that gentle, caring, beautiful person who stole my heart 4 years ago!!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,174
Hi H1978, I hope things improve for you. I don't think there is that much advice I can give accept to give it some time.
You are sober, which is the most important thing (you didn't mention if your partner was sober too).
Don't be too hard on yourself and don't accept blame that isn't due, if he does get in touch
Be strong
You are sober, which is the most important thing (you didn't mention if your partner was sober too).
Don't be too hard on yourself and don't accept blame that isn't due, if he does get in touch
Be strong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Holyoke, MA
Posts: 156
Hi saoutchik!!
Thanks so much for your words! It's really hard! I do one good thing by dropping the drinking but now I face this hardship by missing him so much!
No, he drinks too! I don't understand why we had to drink so much? BOTH of us are MUCH better people when we're sober! That's definitely one thing that doesn't leave my head, just thinking of what an ugly person I would turn into when I drank so much! I would look at my face in the bathroom and just get disgusted! UGH! I don't know if he has it in him to quit. He didn't drink as much as I did, but he definitely can suck them back on the weekends! I haven't looked at my phone since yesterday, so when I go on my lunch break in 10min., I am going to put on my big girl pants and just look. I can't be held hostage from my phone forever! I just want back what we once had!! He changed my life forever and I'm forever grateful for that, but somewhere, we let the alcohol get in the way and slowly destroy us.
Thanks so much for your words! It's really hard! I do one good thing by dropping the drinking but now I face this hardship by missing him so much!
No, he drinks too! I don't understand why we had to drink so much? BOTH of us are MUCH better people when we're sober! That's definitely one thing that doesn't leave my head, just thinking of what an ugly person I would turn into when I drank so much! I would look at my face in the bathroom and just get disgusted! UGH! I don't know if he has it in him to quit. He didn't drink as much as I did, but he definitely can suck them back on the weekends! I haven't looked at my phone since yesterday, so when I go on my lunch break in 10min., I am going to put on my big girl pants and just look. I can't be held hostage from my phone forever! I just want back what we once had!! He changed my life forever and I'm forever grateful for that, but somewhere, we let the alcohol get in the way and slowly destroy us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
Hi Hopeless,
I can really relate to what you are going through. It is a complete double whammy having to experience these major events simultaneously! The thing with me is I just have to keep sobriety front and centre, and realize the key to happiness starts with maintaining sobriety. I wish there was a way to just instantly forget and move forward.
What I'm doing right now is just putting one foot in front of the next and plodding on. I have blocked my ex so that there is no text, I also went no contact, the only communication is when over the phone in regards to our co parenting. It makes things so much smoother this way. No opportunity to fight or to get bothered over something that is out of my control. I know in my heart that I can not stay sober in a relationship with her, so I stop myself from romanticizing the good times and that maybe it could work this time around. It won't and I know that.
Give it some time, give yourself some time and things will get better and exciting in new ways.
Hope this makes sense, I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. Mainly I just want to offer support from someone going through a similar situation.
Have a great day!
Justin
I can really relate to what you are going through. It is a complete double whammy having to experience these major events simultaneously! The thing with me is I just have to keep sobriety front and centre, and realize the key to happiness starts with maintaining sobriety. I wish there was a way to just instantly forget and move forward.
What I'm doing right now is just putting one foot in front of the next and plodding on. I have blocked my ex so that there is no text, I also went no contact, the only communication is when over the phone in regards to our co parenting. It makes things so much smoother this way. No opportunity to fight or to get bothered over something that is out of my control. I know in my heart that I can not stay sober in a relationship with her, so I stop myself from romanticizing the good times and that maybe it could work this time around. It won't and I know that.
Give it some time, give yourself some time and things will get better and exciting in new ways.
Hope this makes sense, I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. Mainly I just want to offer support from someone going through a similar situation.
Have a great day!
Justin
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Originally Posted by Justincredible 
Hi Hopeless,
I can really relate to what you are going through. It is a complete double whammy having to experience these major events simultaneously! The thing with me is I just have to keep sobriety front and centre, and realize the key to happiness starts with maintaining sobriety. I wish there was a way to just instantly forget and move forward.
What I'm doing right now is just putting one foot in front of the next and plodding on. I have blocked my ex so that there is no text, I also went no contact, the only communication is when over the phone in regards to our co parenting. It makes things so much smoother this way. No opportunity to fight or to get bothered over something that is out of my control. I know in my heart that I can not stay sober in a relationship with her, so I stop myself from romanticizing the good times and that maybe it could work this time around. It won't and I know that.
Give it some time, give yourself some time and things will get better and exciting in new ways.
Hope this makes sense, I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. Mainly I just want to offer support from someone going through a similar situation.
Have a great day!
Justin
I can really relate to what you are going through. It is a complete double whammy having to experience these major events simultaneously! The thing with me is I just have to keep sobriety front and centre, and realize the key to happiness starts with maintaining sobriety. I wish there was a way to just instantly forget and move forward.
What I'm doing right now is just putting one foot in front of the next and plodding on. I have blocked my ex so that there is no text, I also went no contact, the only communication is when over the phone in regards to our co parenting. It makes things so much smoother this way. No opportunity to fight or to get bothered over something that is out of my control. I know in my heart that I can not stay sober in a relationship with her, so I stop myself from romanticizing the good times and that maybe it could work this time around. It won't and I know that.
Give it some time, give yourself some time and things will get better and exciting in new ways.
Hope this makes sense, I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. Mainly I just want to offer support from someone going through a similar situation.
Have a great day!
Justin
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
The topic of fate was mentioned in a post recently on this site. I am not a big believer in fate with one exception...relationships. I could write a book on it. Suffice it to say that in my opinion relationships are a result of fate. Right time and right place for both individuals and then the chemistry. Some work, most don't (sadly). I got lucky.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I had to learn to accept my ex for exactly who he was, and not who I wished he would be. It may be that there is a good, loving, caring person inside him, but he chose to drink instead of nurturing those qualities.
When I let go of him and his 'potential' I became available for other things and people to enter my life -- while I was still holding space in the hopes that he would change, I closed off to other healthy relationships. Hope can get you through some tough times, but hope isn't a Plan.
When I let go of him and his 'potential' I became available for other things and people to enter my life -- while I was still holding space in the hopes that he would change, I closed off to other healthy relationships. Hope can get you through some tough times, but hope isn't a Plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Holyoke, MA
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by Justincredible
Hi Hopeless,
No opportunity to fight or to get bothered over something that is out of my control. I know in my heart that I can not stay sober in a relationship with her, so I stop myself from romanticizing the good times and that maybe it could work this time around. It won't and I know that.
Give it some time, give yourself some time and things will get better and exciting in new ways.
Hope this makes sense, I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. Mainly I just want to offer support from someone going through a similar situation.
Have a great day!
Justin
No opportunity to fight or to get bothered over something that is out of my control. I know in my heart that I can not stay sober in a relationship with her, so I stop myself from romanticizing the good times and that maybe it could work this time around. It won't and I know that.
Give it some time, give yourself some time and things will get better and exciting in new ways.
Hope this makes sense, I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. Mainly I just want to offer support from someone going through a similar situation.
Have a great day!
Justin
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Hopeless1978
I just want back what we once had!!
You're torturing yourself over people and situations that no longer exist, at least not as they once did. It's always difficult to let go, and you'll go through your own process with this, no matter what anyone else says. In the words of Crosby, Stills and Nash:
You are living a reality
I left years ago, it quite nearly killed me
In the long run it will make you cry
Make you crazy and old before your time
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