zjw

I'm having a lot of trouble with work. Last night i got really down on myself feeling like i'm failing my family i'll be fired becuase I cant handle it etc.. feeling like i'm one big burden to them and the few friends i barely have dont even talk to me probably because i'm a big burden to them too.

I started to go to some dark place sin my mind. I was able to pull myself out of it. and Talked myself up told myself for tommorrow I'm gonna log on and i'm gonna dive in and maybe the answers will come to me. I felt better having filled my head with some positive chatter.

Woke up logged in read some of my initial emails and wanted to crawl into a corner and cry and now. just now my boss asks why its taking me so long to work on this project. I told him I'm over my head and lost. Who knows how he'll like that answer.

In my defense they tasked me with a project in an aspect of the system i've never worked in. the task shoulda been handed to someone else but for some reason they just dumped it on me. I didnt want to be mr negative or uncooperative so I went along with it but now i'm in too deep.

I'm ok with loosing my job. I hate this job it'd probably be a good thing and i could quit worrying about loosing it. But the feeling of letting my family down and my wife down is a lot to bear.

its really draining me bad. I wont drink but iw anna go crawl in my old gutter. i'm practically trembling this morning. You'd think i drank my brains out last night.

Hopeless1978

Hello!
I completely understand what you're going through. My last job was like that and I couldn't believe I lasted a year! They lied to me right from the beginning and told me I would have one title and when I started, I was thrown into a completely different department with the worst, minimal training EVER!
Keep your head up! I would first start off by asking your boss why you got the project dumped on you when you have no knowledge or training in that part of the system you have to go to. If it doesn't get through to your boss, honestly, start looking for bigger and better things! People don't think there is work out there, but when I knew I wanted to leave my last job.. I started sending my resume out and applying to jobs and within 2 weeks, I had 4 interviews.
Don't be so hard on yourself, especially when this isn't your fault! Your family should be supporting you, not being disappointed in you!
I wish you the best!! *HUGS*

zjw

i've worked at this place for years. i've never been the guy to say "i dont know" everyone else has been able to get that pass but not me. I always panic and freak out and figure everything out. I dont have it in me anymore. I can barely even focus. I struggle with the stuff i do know.

I hope all my emotions and such are is just that struggle you feel in the transitional phase of going from one thing to the next.

I've prayed for ions that when and if this finally does go down that a job thats gonna work for me is right around the corner.

zjw

*sigh* now my boss is all over me asking me whats taking so long when am i going to have this done. I have 0 answers for him.

Hopeless1978

It's ok to ask for help! How can you possibly do a task you were never trained on? If he's THAT thick headed, is there a coworker that can help you out?

Fly N Buy

Fear can be debilitating, real and lead us to places we don't need to go. I find that many fears are baseless once brought into the light.

The natural instinct of flight or fight has morphed into paralysis for us sometimes. I can't get the mail, I won't answer the phone, I can't face this person or I may let my family down.

You just hit 4 years of continuous sobriety. I would imagine that your wife loves you dearly and only wants you to have some peace for all your amazing efforts in doing what right for all!

Some how when a situation arises like this I simply must use that same strength/power I draw on to get and stay sober to face the issue. In your case it may be a meeting with all stakeholders to discuss where the project is and what the issues have become. You may want HR present or an advocate of some sort - depending on your situation.

Regardless - no one here can lay out the exact operational plan for you. But, how ever it need to be formulated for you, I'd urge consideration in address the issue, head on. Cast out the fear of "what if's"!!!!!!!

Whatever happens at that point, you've done all you can. If a door closes.......another will open. In sobriety it is a lesson we surely learn - lean of faith of good, charitable outcomes

Thank you for the very useful post.............
You will indeed find your peace, and GREAT job - most importantly - you did not drink over it!!!!

ArtFriend

Tell your boss you need some time off and see about getting some counseling and /or meds. You sound very depressed and that will interfere with your concentration for sure. If you simply just hope for things to get better on their own, chances are they won't and you may get fired. Do you want to get fired? Wouldn't it be better to resign? It is harder to find work when yo have been fired.

zjw

I'd like to get laid off preferably with a severence its a delicate tightrope walk between getting laid off vs getting fired. If i had the choice between getting fired or resign i'd gladly resign first. maybe I have this choice? I suppose i do I'm just not ready to do that yet. maybe i just dont wanna go down so easily.

I just had a talk with my wife. I'm going to wait and see how and when my boss responds to my last email about this. he's out tommorrow so I figure on monday or tuesday I'll then email him or call him and explain that this project is over my head and that if they want it done quickly and properly they'd be best served giving it to someone else. This admits defeat on my part one might say oh it takes a big man to do that yeah maybe but it could also get me booted out the door as well.

Everyone at this place has been able to say i can t or I dont know how or can you do this for me cept me. I've always had to tackle everything well now its my turn.

My wife thinks this is the best approach rather then sitting here in tears wallowing in my pit accomplishing nothing. (apparently my attitude and mood has been taxing on the family) she asked me what I think I should do? I told her I think i should put my runnign shoes on and go for a run. I think I should go back into my little bubble where everythign is fine and i have my books and everyone leaves me alone! thats what i wanna do.

One day i'm gonna bust a forest gump and just start running from one end of the country to the next.

I feel a hair better after talking to her. But i told her the solution she presents is not ideal. and that while my boss may have been wrong in tasking me this project my arrogant boss is never wrong... She said thats his problem and if he's going to toss me out over this oh well. I said yes but thats not the ideal solution. she reminded me that nothings ever friggen ideal.

Gilmer

(((zjw)))

I'm so sorry that work is tough and that you're so down.

I don't know if this helps (it's kind of random!), but I think you're a very wise poster on this board! I have noticed some of your help on the Alcoholism forum--it's really spot on! You say things I wish I had the wisdom to say!

zjw

part of my issue to is 4 years sobriety but on a day like today i almost feel like its day one all over again. Ok maybe not that bad maybe like day 30 but still tough.

sometimes no matter how great you think yoru doing life has a way of just draging you by the nose right to your knees.

zjw

thanks. I just throw stuff out there and hope it finds fertile ground if not i try not to allow that to stop me from doing it.

I think about the parable of the guy sowing the seeds. one hits the rocks one hits the good dirt one gets choked by the thorns etc... all this talk about seeds finding fertile ground but what about the sower? why does he bother? why doesnt he just sow on the fertile ground? because he doesnt know what the future holds who knows that seed in the rocks my surprise him or the seed might not get choked out by the thorns what does he know or care he's just sowing the seeds thats his only concern.


if i could make a living pumping gas bagging groceries running shoveling my chickens poo working my garden posting here splitting wood reading books etc.. I'd be happy as a clam i think.

SarahB60

Hang in the zjw!

Try not to jump ahead thinking you'll be fired, etc. Buying into that thought process only fuels the anxiety you're feeling on the project you've been tasked with. Try to keep things in focus - start with stepping back and looking at the task without emotion, evaluate, come up with a game plan to address and move forward.

We're here for you!

FarToGo

This sounds really tough, I do hope it doesn't turn out so bad as you fear. I've found that my fear and worry are more often than not the worst part of troubles, and the outcome, whatever that may be can be a relief. Once you know what you are actually dealing with, rather than loads of maybe's and guessing others motives and actions, you will probably know what to do and if not, sit with it, the answer will come.
In the meantime, running sounds good and it did Forrest Gump no harm at all (maybe you don't need to run quite that far though!).
I also suspect that your wife is doing her best ? Hard to see that when you are deep in fear but worth remembering if you can.
Sending you lots of luck and good vibes xx

zjw

I know I'm not being very present am i?

I'm living the fireing process over and over and over when it may or may not even happen. I have to get unstuck from this somehow.

mns1

Zjw is being honest with your boss a possibility here? Couldn't you just admit you feel overwhelmed and that this task might be a little much for your current skill level?

It sounds like you were just trying to be a reliable employee. I'm sure he might understand that.

SarahB60

I can totally relate with you on this one. You must be a highly analytical person, who will think of all of the different potential scenarios in a situation. It's both a blessing and a curse to think this way. We just need to know when and how to stop ourselves from going off the cliff.

strategery

Have you started thinking about what you need to do to make the project succeed? Have you sought out someone within that field? Start thinking about what you can do to move the project forward (books you can read, journal articles, etc.). You can do it, but I can also relate to the feeling of being paralyzed. I've been tasked with a lot of things that aren't my expertise and it takes a lot, so I can completely relate.

Also, I know you run. I always found my head got clearer and felt better after a run.

mns1

My apologies. Just re-read your post. Your were honest with him!

But again, I'm sure he can understand.

Anna

Zjw, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It sounds to me like your boss made a mistake dumping the project on you. He won't admit it, as you said, but it's not your fault you were given a project you weren't trained to deal with. I'm not sure what the answer is. Could you ask for a co-worker to jump in and help you with it? I know that fear and anxiety are debilitating and I have been in spots where those thoughts just keep circling my mind and I can't focus on anything else. It sounds like your wife is supportive and that's a big plus. Keep in mind you can only do what you can do. I hope for a positive outcome of this situation.

zjw

the kicker is this is my skill level. I wish i could describe it its as if my brain just cant figure this stuff out anymore. its debilitating it really is. I think the reason why is that my life is filled with many many more things now then it was years ago. have more kids and i tend to focus my energies on my family more then any thing else. so while i look at this code and try to get focus'd i'm really thinking baout my kids or something else. I also dont retain info well. I used to be able to tell you everything about the stuff i work on now i've forgotten most of it. I'm not sure whats wrong.

now someone else at work is all over me saying there in a big hurry for this. I said well if your in a hurry i highly recomend you have someone else work on this i'll never get it done fast.