exactly four years ago..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
exactly four years ago..
I was "recovering" in ER... that particular binge was epic enough to throw me into sobriety for at least half an hour.
i recall that i managed to wake up in a horrid amount of pain... half drunk, half dead.. with some self-preservation instinct. it was the only thing that pushed me to get to ER asap. buying more liquor was not an option anymore. my body would not accept it.
i would die.. it was an easy choice, but i couldn't just close my eyes and die, i would have to lay there in pain, driving myself mad. ER was my only choice, i didn't care that i'd have to admit that i was drinking. i needed help. bad.
i survived. i was full of shame... but i was alive somehow. with enough sedation and medication i made it through my first 2 days.
what's next? i had no idea... i thought about getting to my favorite Irish pub. but i was still down-right scared to drink, quite possibly for the first time in my life.
i found this site and started reading. people managed to quit and stay sober... interesting stories, inspirational. lots of new advice and lingo started sparking up my imagination.
surely i could take a break for 3 months?.. i mean i've thought about it before, and it seems like that last binge caused so much anxiety and withdrawals that the torment of hell i went though over the first 2 or so weeks of recovery really made me want to be sober. i was scared to have a drink. visions of being back in the hospital with machines hooked up to me, were still all too real and the pain both physical and mental was too strong. usually it would be masked with a drink, this time even drinking would not help it. i'd have to ride it out.
3 months went by and i was here on SR thankful for everyday being sober.. I managed to make it 10 months sober, until another epic failure.
i was angry and sad .. how could i still be an alcoholic after all that time sober? but i knew now that after 10 months i could stick with it ... plus my health took a turn for the better. with new found strength for exercise and learning about good food, i decided to become healthy once again.
another half a year of sober time, another relapse...
i got back up and surely slipped again.
today i have another 1.5 years added to my sobriety. that's nearly 4 years of sober life. (yes a few weeks have been ruined).
but the gift of sober life is greater than a few bad decisions...
recovery is a learning process.
- i've learned that alcohol is nothing more than a glorified drug ... and a really horrible one at that.
- my drinking friends have either drifted away or just don't bother anymore with "drinking" questions. (everyone kinda moved on).
- i have no problem making fun of my friends for having drinks at happy-hours, while i'm healthy and feeling great. people get pretty ashamed when you confront their drinking. (but i don't do it out of spite, i only point out their drinking habits when they start to question my sobriety. i also often suggest that we might kick it up a notch and some more fun drugs to the mix. why not?... usually the conversation moves on at this point).
- i can only be sober one moment at a time. and i have no idea what will be tomorrow. and i am not worried.
- i sometimes think about having an ice cold pint of beer. i've thought about getting plastered for absolutely no reason. i've considered testing myself by getting drunk and seeing if i can stop at will.. i don't expect these "brilliant" ideas to go away, i expect that i will have enough wisdom not to act out on these emotions like i don't act out on a thousand others (thankfully)
we can recover. when all said and done it's a simple choice -- not drinking. how to make sure that we actually follow through on that choice, is a tricky part.
after four years i am still a "newcomer" while i learn and evolve i'll stay sober.
i hope you can too.. just one day at a time. just today. just now.
i recall that i managed to wake up in a horrid amount of pain... half drunk, half dead.. with some self-preservation instinct. it was the only thing that pushed me to get to ER asap. buying more liquor was not an option anymore. my body would not accept it.
i would die.. it was an easy choice, but i couldn't just close my eyes and die, i would have to lay there in pain, driving myself mad. ER was my only choice, i didn't care that i'd have to admit that i was drinking. i needed help. bad.
i survived. i was full of shame... but i was alive somehow. with enough sedation and medication i made it through my first 2 days.
what's next? i had no idea... i thought about getting to my favorite Irish pub. but i was still down-right scared to drink, quite possibly for the first time in my life.
i found this site and started reading. people managed to quit and stay sober... interesting stories, inspirational. lots of new advice and lingo started sparking up my imagination.
surely i could take a break for 3 months?.. i mean i've thought about it before, and it seems like that last binge caused so much anxiety and withdrawals that the torment of hell i went though over the first 2 or so weeks of recovery really made me want to be sober. i was scared to have a drink. visions of being back in the hospital with machines hooked up to me, were still all too real and the pain both physical and mental was too strong. usually it would be masked with a drink, this time even drinking would not help it. i'd have to ride it out.
3 months went by and i was here on SR thankful for everyday being sober.. I managed to make it 10 months sober, until another epic failure.
i was angry and sad .. how could i still be an alcoholic after all that time sober? but i knew now that after 10 months i could stick with it ... plus my health took a turn for the better. with new found strength for exercise and learning about good food, i decided to become healthy once again.
another half a year of sober time, another relapse...
i got back up and surely slipped again.
today i have another 1.5 years added to my sobriety. that's nearly 4 years of sober life. (yes a few weeks have been ruined).
but the gift of sober life is greater than a few bad decisions...
recovery is a learning process.
- i've learned that alcohol is nothing more than a glorified drug ... and a really horrible one at that.
- my drinking friends have either drifted away or just don't bother anymore with "drinking" questions. (everyone kinda moved on).
- i have no problem making fun of my friends for having drinks at happy-hours, while i'm healthy and feeling great. people get pretty ashamed when you confront their drinking. (but i don't do it out of spite, i only point out their drinking habits when they start to question my sobriety. i also often suggest that we might kick it up a notch and some more fun drugs to the mix. why not?... usually the conversation moves on at this point).
- i can only be sober one moment at a time. and i have no idea what will be tomorrow. and i am not worried.
- i sometimes think about having an ice cold pint of beer. i've thought about getting plastered for absolutely no reason. i've considered testing myself by getting drunk and seeing if i can stop at will.. i don't expect these "brilliant" ideas to go away, i expect that i will have enough wisdom not to act out on these emotions like i don't act out on a thousand others (thankfully)
we can recover. when all said and done it's a simple choice -- not drinking. how to make sure that we actually follow through on that choice, is a tricky part.
after four years i am still a "newcomer" while i learn and evolve i'll stay sober.
i hope you can too.. just one day at a time. just today. just now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 202
Thank you for sharing your story.. It is quite inspiring for all of us.. Have been in the same insinuation during last 4-5 years.. Only difference being, my sober spells were very short and practicing alcoholism spells were quite long .. LOL ..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
what's next? i had no idea... i thought about getting to my favorite Irish pub. but i was still down-right scared to drink, quite possibly for the first time in my life.
thanks for posting and good job.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
this is a really awesome post.
raw, real.... it resonates.
I've never gone through the ER experience - but lord I've been close. I've somehow escaped - through the grace of Spirit - winding up there or in any number of other devastating states. Yet I've had my massive, epic binges.... my 1.5 year relapse.... my losses and my failures and my bottoms.
Like you I don't think that the urges or the thoughts will ever completely fade - but also like you i find that as an every-day newcomer.... with a lot of painful history as evidence for myself.... with the right support and commitment to sobriety and with places like this community - I don't have to ever fall back into that trap again.
raw, real.... it resonates.
I've never gone through the ER experience - but lord I've been close. I've somehow escaped - through the grace of Spirit - winding up there or in any number of other devastating states. Yet I've had my massive, epic binges.... my 1.5 year relapse.... my losses and my failures and my bottoms.
Like you I don't think that the urges or the thoughts will ever completely fade - but also like you i find that as an every-day newcomer.... with a lot of painful history as evidence for myself.... with the right support and commitment to sobriety and with places like this community - I don't have to ever fall back into that trap again.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Thank you, thank you, thank you. These are the best posts of all... those candid and unashamed stories of the battle field and the trials, but most of all the victories we can hopefully all look forward to...... I'm so glad for you and so glad you shared for my sake and others on SR.
xx
xx
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