Sober Alocholic With a Temper
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Sober Alocholic With a Temper
This is my first post on Sober Recovery.
I’m in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 7 years. We began dating during the end of his first year of recovery. He is heavily involved in AA and has many sponsees. I just celebrated my first year in Al-Anon. I’m a grateful Al-Anon member, have a service position and work the steps as best I can. Unfortunately, our relationship has not been so smooth. We have attended couples therapy and that helped for a while. My boyfriend has a temper and often becomes disturbed by the smallest things. I have trouble communicating with him during conflict (I’m not an angry person, I don’t like to yell during disagreements but my boyfriend’s the one doing the yelling anyway) he becomes judgmental, critical and I leave the disagreement feeling inadequate and not good enough/not meeting his expectations. Our disagreements happen every maybe once a month or every few months. Our couples counselor has noticed his temper and it became very heated between them one week during counseling, she said to me “no wonder you have a hard time talking to him”. He has not worked on his temper since, and he doesn’t like to be called out on it either.
Our disagreements often catch me off guard. This morning is an example. The other night he told me he needed to take his car into the mechanic to repair his A/C (it’s going to be 100 this week where we live). I said I would take him but that I needed to be somewhere at 10am, in which he replied “can we go before that” which worked for me. This morning I was supposed to pick him up from the mechanic after he dropped his car off and take him back home (he works from home). I woke up at 7am and was working on a few things I needed to do for an online business that I operate. He came to me at 8:30am and said “I’m going to ride my bike back from the mechanic, he wanted me there at 8am” (the other night… he did not tell me he needed to be there at 8am mind you… he rambled on about how would rather get a new car than pour more money into his current one and so on). I said ok. So, off he went in his car expecting to bike it back home. Around 9am he was back at the house with his car and said that the mechanic couldn’t get him in today. He blamed this situation on me, that I didn’t take him at 8am. I tell him I did not know he was to be there at that time. The conversation escalated and eventually it turned into- I never do anything he asks me to do- I put other people first- I am not concerned with making him happy or pleasing him- I’m using my business to isolate- He always does everything for me, I do nothing for him- He does everything himself - and the list goes on and his temper flares and his voice rises to just below screaming. I tell him I apologize for not confirming the time and that he didn’t get the A/C fixed. (I’ve gone to the same mechanic other times with him and we have not gone at 8am). He tells me he is having issues with his family and that if I knew better I would take that into account. This is after I went with him to visit his dying grandfather who he hasn’t spoken with in four years. Yesterday was also his birthday, and although none of his family had called and I noticed he wasn’t feeling special for his birthday - I took him to dinner, bought a gift and his favorite birthday cake complete with candles and I even sang in my best tune. Although, he says I do not do the little things.
I am at a loss, and feel that it is becoming blurry as to what I actually need to improve on in our relationship when he is pointing out everything that I do wrong - or what is just the disease that is talking/yelling. I share about these issues often in my meetings and other women try to help guide me through his temper. I take their advice and try to apply it, but it falls on his deaf ears. I am starting to feel like when there is no one else around (due to him working at home) I am the first person available for him to unload on. I’m trying my best not to take it personally, but the things he says are personal and hard to ignore. I know I need a backbone, stop being a doormat and stick up for myself… but how?
I’m glad I posted. Thank you for reading.
I’m in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 7 years. We began dating during the end of his first year of recovery. He is heavily involved in AA and has many sponsees. I just celebrated my first year in Al-Anon. I’m a grateful Al-Anon member, have a service position and work the steps as best I can. Unfortunately, our relationship has not been so smooth. We have attended couples therapy and that helped for a while. My boyfriend has a temper and often becomes disturbed by the smallest things. I have trouble communicating with him during conflict (I’m not an angry person, I don’t like to yell during disagreements but my boyfriend’s the one doing the yelling anyway) he becomes judgmental, critical and I leave the disagreement feeling inadequate and not good enough/not meeting his expectations. Our disagreements happen every maybe once a month or every few months. Our couples counselor has noticed his temper and it became very heated between them one week during counseling, she said to me “no wonder you have a hard time talking to him”. He has not worked on his temper since, and he doesn’t like to be called out on it either.
Our disagreements often catch me off guard. This morning is an example. The other night he told me he needed to take his car into the mechanic to repair his A/C (it’s going to be 100 this week where we live). I said I would take him but that I needed to be somewhere at 10am, in which he replied “can we go before that” which worked for me. This morning I was supposed to pick him up from the mechanic after he dropped his car off and take him back home (he works from home). I woke up at 7am and was working on a few things I needed to do for an online business that I operate. He came to me at 8:30am and said “I’m going to ride my bike back from the mechanic, he wanted me there at 8am” (the other night… he did not tell me he needed to be there at 8am mind you… he rambled on about how would rather get a new car than pour more money into his current one and so on). I said ok. So, off he went in his car expecting to bike it back home. Around 9am he was back at the house with his car and said that the mechanic couldn’t get him in today. He blamed this situation on me, that I didn’t take him at 8am. I tell him I did not know he was to be there at that time. The conversation escalated and eventually it turned into- I never do anything he asks me to do- I put other people first- I am not concerned with making him happy or pleasing him- I’m using my business to isolate- He always does everything for me, I do nothing for him- He does everything himself - and the list goes on and his temper flares and his voice rises to just below screaming. I tell him I apologize for not confirming the time and that he didn’t get the A/C fixed. (I’ve gone to the same mechanic other times with him and we have not gone at 8am). He tells me he is having issues with his family and that if I knew better I would take that into account. This is after I went with him to visit his dying grandfather who he hasn’t spoken with in four years. Yesterday was also his birthday, and although none of his family had called and I noticed he wasn’t feeling special for his birthday - I took him to dinner, bought a gift and his favorite birthday cake complete with candles and I even sang in my best tune. Although, he says I do not do the little things.
I am at a loss, and feel that it is becoming blurry as to what I actually need to improve on in our relationship when he is pointing out everything that I do wrong - or what is just the disease that is talking/yelling. I share about these issues often in my meetings and other women try to help guide me through his temper. I take their advice and try to apply it, but it falls on his deaf ears. I am starting to feel like when there is no one else around (due to him working at home) I am the first person available for him to unload on. I’m trying my best not to take it personally, but the things he says are personal and hard to ignore. I know I need a backbone, stop being a doormat and stick up for myself… but how?
I’m glad I posted. Thank you for reading.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome to the forums, arsanders24.
Not everything can be blamed on alcoholism.
Some people are just jerks.
If you can't stand up for yourself, who's going to do it? I think they can sense weakness, and some people will exploit that.
Is this the life you want? You have choices.
Not everything can be blamed on alcoholism.
Some people are just jerks.
If you can't stand up for yourself, who's going to do it? I think they can sense weakness, and some people will exploit that.
Is this the life you want? You have choices.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
My significant other no longer drinks either (I cannot tell you whether he is an alcoholic or not-he has never told me he identifies as one, but definitely said and still says that he drank too much and for the wrong reasons). I say that to say this-sometimes he has bad days-sometimes I have bad days. I've been clean and sober for a year and a half. If my friend or myself always acted in anger or always let their temper get the best of us then yes, I would start asking some big questions but I allow for bad days and to be honest, I quite enjoy that I can still feel those bad days because that makes the good ones even better.
It may be time to consult some type of therapist if it is happening all of the time but that is something you are going to have to decide together if it is couples therapy. When my husband/SO etc. decided that they weren't interested in counseling, I got help for myself. Don't put your mental health on hold for someone else if at all possible.
It may be time to consult some type of therapist if it is happening all of the time but that is something you are going to have to decide together if it is couples therapy. When my husband/SO etc. decided that they weren't interested in counseling, I got help for myself. Don't put your mental health on hold for someone else if at all possible.
Last edited by Latte; 06-10-2015 at 12:41 PM. Reason: missed punctuation/words
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I think this may be more an issue of personality / anger / abuse and not so much about the alcoholism.
If he doesn't really think he has an issue and takes ownership of it, and is willing to really try and overcome it,
I think you should decide if you want to live with someone who has such a hair trigger for the rest of your life.
When people are verbally abusive to me, I will not continue to have a conversation with them. If they persist, I remove them from my life.
Talking in a rational way with mutual respect is a base line in my view.
It doesn't sound like this guy gets that or respects your right to disagree or stand up for yourself.
What does your gut instinct tell you about him?
Remove the alcohol issue--who is this person really?
If he doesn't really think he has an issue and takes ownership of it, and is willing to really try and overcome it,
I think you should decide if you want to live with someone who has such a hair trigger for the rest of your life.
When people are verbally abusive to me, I will not continue to have a conversation with them. If they persist, I remove them from my life.
Talking in a rational way with mutual respect is a base line in my view.
It doesn't sound like this guy gets that or respects your right to disagree or stand up for yourself.
What does your gut instinct tell you about him?
Remove the alcohol issue--who is this person really?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 3
You all make a good point about putting aside the alcoholism- and questioning who he really is. I think I let a lot of his behavior slide because I tell myself that it's his alcoholism, or it's something that he is working through to avoid facing the issue at hand. Thanks for that.
I appreciate everyone's point of view and experiences.
Latte: there are good days when he isn't acting like a maniac!
Refiner: a$$holism, gotta be it!
I appreciate everyone's point of view and experiences.
Latte: there are good days when he isn't acting like a maniac!
Refiner: a$$holism, gotta be it!
Last edited by arsanders24; 06-10-2015 at 01:25 PM. Reason: edit
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi ((((arsanders))))
I can definitely relate to much of your post, especially these parts, I could have written myself:
The conversation escalated and eventually it turned into- I never do anything he asks me to do- I put other people first- I am not concerned with making him happy or pleasing him- I’m using my business to isolate- He always does everything for me, I do nothing for him- He does everything himself - and the list goes on and his temper flares and his voice rises to just below screaming
I am at a loss, and feel that it is becoming blurry as to what I actually need to improve on in our relationship when he is pointing out everything that I do wrong - or what is just the disease that is talking/yelling. I am starting to feel like when there is no one else around (due to him working at home) I am the first person available for him to unload on. I’m trying my best not to take it personally, but the things he says are personal and hard to ignore. I know I need a backbone, stop being a doormat and stick up for myself… but how
My AH is sober for 8 months.... A$$holism... yeah, I like that one too.
Keep going to your meetings... keep posting here, and do the things that make you happy. Catch up with old friends, yoga, mani/pedi... whatever.
You will continue to gain strength when you do, (at least this is what I'm telling myself
) and whether you choose to leave the relationship or stay, you will be less affected by his moods, and his comments, and it will be easier for you to use that "back bone" of yours.
Thinking of you
I can definitely relate to much of your post, especially these parts, I could have written myself:
The conversation escalated and eventually it turned into- I never do anything he asks me to do- I put other people first- I am not concerned with making him happy or pleasing him- I’m using my business to isolate- He always does everything for me, I do nothing for him- He does everything himself - and the list goes on and his temper flares and his voice rises to just below screaming
I am at a loss, and feel that it is becoming blurry as to what I actually need to improve on in our relationship when he is pointing out everything that I do wrong - or what is just the disease that is talking/yelling. I am starting to feel like when there is no one else around (due to him working at home) I am the first person available for him to unload on. I’m trying my best not to take it personally, but the things he says are personal and hard to ignore. I know I need a backbone, stop being a doormat and stick up for myself… but how
My AH is sober for 8 months.... A$$holism... yeah, I like that one too.
Keep going to your meetings... keep posting here, and do the things that make you happy. Catch up with old friends, yoga, mani/pedi... whatever.
You will continue to gain strength when you do, (at least this is what I'm telling myself
) and whether you choose to leave the relationship or stay, you will be less affected by his moods, and his comments, and it will be easier for you to use that "back bone" of yours.Thinking of you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
There are many disagreeable non-alcoholics as well. Length of sobriety has nothing to do with it, it's whether he realizes he has a problem and does something about it. He sounds verbally abusive. Is this what you want in life?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
It sounds like you are turning in circles trying to please him and placate him.
You'll never be able to do that. He will always make something your fault.
Take care of you.
You'll never be able to do that. He will always make something your fault.
Take care of you.
Originally Posted by arsanders24 
This is my first post on Sober Recovery.
I’m in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 7 years. We began dating during the end of his first year of recovery. He is heavily involved in AA and has many sponsees. I just celebrated my first year in Al-Anon. I’m a grateful Al-Anon member, have a service position and work the steps as best I can. Unfortunately, our relationship has not been so smooth. We have attended couples therapy and that helped for a while. My boyfriend has a temper and often becomes disturbed by the smallest things. I have trouble communicating with him during conflict (I’m not an angry person, I don’t like to yell during disagreements but my boyfriend’s the one doing the yelling anyway) he becomes judgmental, critical and I leave the disagreement feeling inadequate and not good enough/not meeting his expectations. Our disagreements happen every maybe once a month or every few months. Our couples counselor has noticed his temper and it became very heated between them one week during counseling, she said to me “no wonder you have a hard time talking to him”. He has not worked on his temper since, and he doesn’t like to be called out on it either.
Our disagreements often catch me off guard. This morning is an example. The other night he told me he needed to take his car into the mechanic to repair his A/C (it’s going to be 100 this week where we live). I said I would take him but that I needed to be somewhere at 10am, in which he replied “can we go before that” which worked for me. This morning I was supposed to pick him up from the mechanic after he dropped his car off and take him back home (he works from home). I woke up at 7am and was working on a few things I needed to do for an online business that I operate. He came to me at 8:30am and said “I’m going to ride my bike back from the mechanic, he wanted me there at 8am” (the other night… he did not tell me he needed to be there at 8am mind you… he rambled on about how would rather get a new car than pour more money into his current one and so on). I said ok. So, off he went in his car expecting to bike it back home. Around 9am he was back at the house with his car and said that the mechanic couldn’t get him in today. He blamed this situation on me, that I didn’t take him at 8am. I tell him I did not know he was to be there at that time. The conversation escalated and eventually it turned into- I never do anything he asks me to do- I put other people first- I am not concerned with making him happy or pleasing him- I’m using my business to isolate- He always does everything for me, I do nothing for him- He does everything himself - and the list goes on and his temper flares and his voice rises to just below screaming. I tell him I apologize for not confirming the time and that he didn’t get the A/C fixed. (I’ve gone to the same mechanic other times with him and we have not gone at 8am). He tells me he is having issues with his family and that if I knew better I would take that into account. This is after I went with him to visit his dying grandfather who he hasn’t spoken with in four years. Yesterday was also his birthday, and although none of his family had called and I noticed he wasn’t feeling special for his birthday - I took him to dinner, bought a gift and his favorite birthday cake complete with candles and I even sang in my best tune. Although, he says I do not do the little things.
I am at a loss, and feel that it is becoming blurry as to what I actually need to improve on in our relationship when he is pointing out everything that I do wrong - or what is just the disease that is talking/yelling. I share about these issues often in my meetings and other women try to help guide me through his temper. I take their advice and try to apply it, but it falls on his deaf ears. I am starting to feel like when there is no one else around (due to him working at home) I am the first person available for him to unload on. I’m trying my best not to take it personally, but the things he says are personal and hard to ignore. I know I need a backbone, stop being a doormat and stick up for myself… but how?
I’m glad I posted. Thank you for reading.
I’m in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 7 years. We began dating during the end of his first year of recovery. He is heavily involved in AA and has many sponsees. I just celebrated my first year in Al-Anon. I’m a grateful Al-Anon member, have a service position and work the steps as best I can. Unfortunately, our relationship has not been so smooth. We have attended couples therapy and that helped for a while. My boyfriend has a temper and often becomes disturbed by the smallest things. I have trouble communicating with him during conflict (I’m not an angry person, I don’t like to yell during disagreements but my boyfriend’s the one doing the yelling anyway) he becomes judgmental, critical and I leave the disagreement feeling inadequate and not good enough/not meeting his expectations. Our disagreements happen every maybe once a month or every few months. Our couples counselor has noticed his temper and it became very heated between them one week during counseling, she said to me “no wonder you have a hard time talking to him”. He has not worked on his temper since, and he doesn’t like to be called out on it either.
Our disagreements often catch me off guard. This morning is an example. The other night he told me he needed to take his car into the mechanic to repair his A/C (it’s going to be 100 this week where we live). I said I would take him but that I needed to be somewhere at 10am, in which he replied “can we go before that” which worked for me. This morning I was supposed to pick him up from the mechanic after he dropped his car off and take him back home (he works from home). I woke up at 7am and was working on a few things I needed to do for an online business that I operate. He came to me at 8:30am and said “I’m going to ride my bike back from the mechanic, he wanted me there at 8am” (the other night… he did not tell me he needed to be there at 8am mind you… he rambled on about how would rather get a new car than pour more money into his current one and so on). I said ok. So, off he went in his car expecting to bike it back home. Around 9am he was back at the house with his car and said that the mechanic couldn’t get him in today. He blamed this situation on me, that I didn’t take him at 8am. I tell him I did not know he was to be there at that time. The conversation escalated and eventually it turned into- I never do anything he asks me to do- I put other people first- I am not concerned with making him happy or pleasing him- I’m using my business to isolate- He always does everything for me, I do nothing for him- He does everything himself - and the list goes on and his temper flares and his voice rises to just below screaming. I tell him I apologize for not confirming the time and that he didn’t get the A/C fixed. (I’ve gone to the same mechanic other times with him and we have not gone at 8am). He tells me he is having issues with his family and that if I knew better I would take that into account. This is after I went with him to visit his dying grandfather who he hasn’t spoken with in four years. Yesterday was also his birthday, and although none of his family had called and I noticed he wasn’t feeling special for his birthday - I took him to dinner, bought a gift and his favorite birthday cake complete with candles and I even sang in my best tune. Although, he says I do not do the little things.
I am at a loss, and feel that it is becoming blurry as to what I actually need to improve on in our relationship when he is pointing out everything that I do wrong - or what is just the disease that is talking/yelling. I share about these issues often in my meetings and other women try to help guide me through his temper. I take their advice and try to apply it, but it falls on his deaf ears. I am starting to feel like when there is no one else around (due to him working at home) I am the first person available for him to unload on. I’m trying my best not to take it personally, but the things he says are personal and hard to ignore. I know I need a backbone, stop being a doormat and stick up for myself… but how?
I’m glad I posted. Thank you for reading.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
Your post gave me a nervous stomach and the light headed sensation I used to get when dealing with an abusive ex of over 20 years ago. To an outsider, that whole situation sounds utterly dreadful. You must feel like you walk on eggshells. Like others have said his behaviour cannot be attributed to alcoholism but a&@holism. You deserve so much better
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi AR, he sounds like a spoiled brat to me. The fact is he's gotten used to unloading on you because nothing's happened to stop him yet. You're willing to apologise before you'll stand up for yourself, and he's in the habit of relieving his tension by being angry with you. It's not good for him, and really unpleasant for you.
You know you have to stand up for yourself, but I'm guessing you don't know how. It might be worth seeing a therapist who can help you with some strategies, words to say, and how to react if he escalates. If you can't afford a therapist there might be communication courses or books (look up 'assertiveness') you can read. I think you should give your marriage the best chance by learning how to deal with him, rather than just walk away. If it doesn't change over time and he's still unreasonable, then you can look at your options again.
You know you have to stand up for yourself, but I'm guessing you don't know how. It might be worth seeing a therapist who can help you with some strategies, words to say, and how to react if he escalates. If you can't afford a therapist there might be communication courses or books (look up 'assertiveness') you can read. I think you should give your marriage the best chance by learning how to deal with him, rather than just walk away. If it doesn't change over time and he's still unreasonable, then you can look at your options again.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I don't know if this is related to alcohol use or not.
I CAN relate to the post though because my "isms" allowed this behavior in my life regardless of it was due to alcohol, a jerk, etc.
For me it was about lack of self-esteem, no boundaries etc.
Good for you for working on you....the rest will work itself out.
I CAN relate to the post though because my "isms" allowed this behavior in my life regardless of it was due to alcohol, a jerk, etc.
For me it was about lack of self-esteem, no boundaries etc.
Good for you for working on you....the rest will work itself out.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by arsanders24
The conversation escalated and eventually it turned into- I never do anything he asks me to do- I put other people first- I am not concerned with making him happy or pleasing him- I’m using my business to isolate- He always does everything for me, I do nothing for him- He does everything himself - and the list goes on and his temper flares and his voice rises to just below screaming.
I don't know if my X was behaving that way due to his narcissism--truly an inability to see and feel outside of his own immediate needs--or his unrecovered addiction. Regardless, it is toxic. It's less important to determine why, and more important to determine if it will change. He is not behaving in an emotionally healthy way. You deserve so much better than that!
Hugs to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 3
Pipping, yes I get the nervous stomach, racing heart and I know it's coming. That should be my cue to leave the situation but I try to solve it, and not run away. Sometimes I just cannot get a word in edgewise!
Feeling great- I can't afford a therapist right now, I'm reading a couple different books on boundaries. He definitely does not respect those things. I will continue to work at it, I'd like to give it my best shot before exiting the relationship. Time will tell. Thank you.
Praying- exactly... we go for long periods of time where we don't argue and actually appreciate one another. But during time's like this, I let him make me feel lousy.
He quasi apologized the other night... it didn't sound very sincere. He really is a spoiled brat, he grew up as an only child. He thinks he is always right.
Posting my situation really took a load off of my shoulders. I'll keep posting, keep on going to my meetings and read self-help books to help me in the meantime. Thanks everyone.
Feeling great- I can't afford a therapist right now, I'm reading a couple different books on boundaries. He definitely does not respect those things. I will continue to work at it, I'd like to give it my best shot before exiting the relationship. Time will tell. Thank you.
Praying- exactly... we go for long periods of time where we don't argue and actually appreciate one another. But during time's like this, I let him make me feel lousy.
He quasi apologized the other night... it didn't sound very sincere. He really is a spoiled brat, he grew up as an only child. He thinks he is always right.
Posting my situation really took a load off of my shoulders. I'll keep posting, keep on going to my meetings and read self-help books to help me in the meantime. Thanks everyone.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
Originally Posted by Refiner
This has nothing to do with alcoholism. This has everything to do with a$$holism. You deserve to be treated with respect and need to tell him so. What a jerk.
The alkie here even when sober tends to play nice to hide something or is seeking a favor.
Stay safe. I wouldn't push any issue including therapy for anger, may be a suggestion at the right time but do not try to sell it because if you do that could escalate into an argument and tantrum. Just like the addict/ rehab the person has to want to change their ways for it to work.
Stay Safe!
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