Initiating rock bottom?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 5
Initiating rock bottom?
My husband is a high functioning alcoholic who has convinced himself that he needs to drink in order to be effective at his high stress job (a “work hard, play hard” mentality).
I have been married for nearly 23 years. When my husband is sober, there is literally no one else I’d rather be with. However when he’s drunk (which is often), he is obnoxious, annoying and moody (thankfully not violent). But he often says very hurtful things that stay with me for a very long time. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he’s in denial about his problem. He has always been a drinker, however over the past few years it has progressively gotten worse.
Most nights after work, he will go for drinks with a co-worker who is also an alcoholic. They will drink for several hours (often heavily). I always pick my husband up (since we car pool together), however the co-worker always drives himself home.
Every bad night that I’ve had for the last 10+ years due to my husband’s behavior after drinking has started with this co-worker. I am thinking about leaving an anonymous tip with the police about the co-worker’s drinking and driving. My rational is that maybe if he is arrested he will hit rock bottom and change his behavior. Then MAYBE my husband would reflect on his behavior and also change.
What do you guys think? Do you think this would work or am I being naïve? Or do you think this might cause unintended negative consequences?
I have been married for nearly 23 years. When my husband is sober, there is literally no one else I’d rather be with. However when he’s drunk (which is often), he is obnoxious, annoying and moody (thankfully not violent). But he often says very hurtful things that stay with me for a very long time. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he’s in denial about his problem. He has always been a drinker, however over the past few years it has progressively gotten worse.
Most nights after work, he will go for drinks with a co-worker who is also an alcoholic. They will drink for several hours (often heavily). I always pick my husband up (since we car pool together), however the co-worker always drives himself home.
Every bad night that I’ve had for the last 10+ years due to my husband’s behavior after drinking has started with this co-worker. I am thinking about leaving an anonymous tip with the police about the co-worker’s drinking and driving. My rational is that maybe if he is arrested he will hit rock bottom and change his behavior. Then MAYBE my husband would reflect on his behavior and also change.
What do you guys think? Do you think this would work or am I being naïve? Or do you think this might cause unintended negative consequences?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I think it's a long shot to hope that someone else getting arrested will get your husband sober. My ex's brother got a DUI and my ex used it as a rationale for why HE wasn't an alcoholic. His drinking wasn't bad enough to get a DUI, after all.
You've been living with this a long time. It sounds like you're pretty desperate to force a solution. Have you tried any Al-anon meetings? I wish I would have gone sooner.
I used to fantasize that some crisis would make my ex have an epiphany and make him want sobriety, but that never happened.
There's a quote from an Al-anon reading on detachment that has really helped me- It is not my job to create a crisis, nor to prevent a crisis if that is the natural course of events.
If your conscience tells you that you need to report this behavior for the safety of the community, then by all means do so. Just keep your expectations realistic because even IF the friend gets pulled over, gets into a legal jam and changes his life, it probably won't have a miraculous impact on your husband's state of mind.
Every bad night that I’ve had for the last 10+ years due to my husband’s behavior after drinking has started with this co-worker.
Your husband is an adult, responsible for his choices. If he wanted to do something different he could make that choice. If the friend suddenly stopped drinking with your husband, odds are good that your husband would find another drinking buddy.
I had hopes that after I left my ex he would hit bottom. But he has continued to seek out new enablers because he just isn't ready to quit drinking.
You've been living with this a long time. It sounds like you're pretty desperate to force a solution. Have you tried any Al-anon meetings? I wish I would have gone sooner.
I used to fantasize that some crisis would make my ex have an epiphany and make him want sobriety, but that never happened.
There's a quote from an Al-anon reading on detachment that has really helped me- It is not my job to create a crisis, nor to prevent a crisis if that is the natural course of events.
If your conscience tells you that you need to report this behavior for the safety of the community, then by all means do so. Just keep your expectations realistic because even IF the friend gets pulled over, gets into a legal jam and changes his life, it probably won't have a miraculous impact on your husband's state of mind.
Every bad night that I’ve had for the last 10+ years due to my husband’s behavior after drinking has started with this co-worker.
Your husband is an adult, responsible for his choices. If he wanted to do something different he could make that choice. If the friend suddenly stopped drinking with your husband, odds are good that your husband would find another drinking buddy.
I had hopes that after I left my ex he would hit bottom. But he has continued to seek out new enablers because he just isn't ready to quit drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's dishonest and could cause major problems for both of you. Unfortunately there's nothing anyone can say or do that will affect an alcoholic's drinking. But Alanon could help a great deal ... it saved my sanity and helped me detach from an alcoholic.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think it makes more moral sense to make that call based on potentially saving others from a drunk driver; but to do it to try to "force" a rock bottom is kinda icky to me. It's not the friend's fault that your husband drinks. Your problems aren't his fault no matter how many nights he sits beside AH at the bar drinking.
In the end you can't control his reaction to something like this & it's seriously unlikely that it would have the impact you hope for anyway. I keep hearing, "be careful what you wish for..." in my head as I read this post.
I feel like your time would be better spent in more productive ways like attending al-anon or working on YOU in some other way that you prefer. I'm sorry you're so frustrated.
In the end you can't control his reaction to something like this & it's seriously unlikely that it would have the impact you hope for anyway. I keep hearing, "be careful what you wish for..." in my head as I read this post.
I feel like your time would be better spent in more productive ways like attending al-anon or working on YOU in some other way that you prefer. I'm sorry you're so frustrated.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so you think/hope that by filing an anonymous report with the police and then the police finding this co-worker at the right time, driving drunk and then HIM being arrested is going to make your HUSBAND want to quit???
actually the co-worker ain't the problem. your HUSBAND has been drinking for over 10 years and i'm sure the co-worker isn't holding a gun to his head forcing him to consume alcohol.
you could quit picking him up after his drinking episodes. THAT would be a consequence of his actions. picking him up actually ENABLES him to drink to excess, cuz "mom" will swing by and fetch him when the party is over. you could let HIM figure out how to get home. and save yourself the late nights
you have talked to him about this and he says he doesn't have a problem. that means that the person who is most affected by his drinking is you. so its time to get you some help! you can't fix him, but can find ways to make YOUR life less about what he does, and more about what matters to you.
actually the co-worker ain't the problem. your HUSBAND has been drinking for over 10 years and i'm sure the co-worker isn't holding a gun to his head forcing him to consume alcohol.
you could quit picking him up after his drinking episodes. THAT would be a consequence of his actions. picking him up actually ENABLES him to drink to excess, cuz "mom" will swing by and fetch him when the party is over. you could let HIM figure out how to get home. and save yourself the late nights
you have talked to him about this and he says he doesn't have a problem. that means that the person who is most affected by his drinking is you. so its time to get you some help! you can't fix him, but can find ways to make YOUR life less about what he does, and more about what matters to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Vikingcat,
I know that the people here are being a little tough on you. I get what you are trying to do. I thought of some of the wackiest ideas to bust my XAH, to have him see the "light". From the many years of experience with the people on SR, forcing a solution, doesn't work.
his recovery is an inside job. What we want really means nothing. We have all tried it, till we were blue in the face, and it didn't work. So what we learn is to let go and let God. That mean's let him go do his thing, and let a higher power watch over him. This is our chance to take care of us and get healthier. We become addicted to him, as he is addicted to alcohol.
Keep posting, hit some meetings and as they say, educate yourself about alcoholism. We all feel your pain, as we have walked in your shoes. Hugs my friend for trying to "help" him.
I know that the people here are being a little tough on you. I get what you are trying to do. I thought of some of the wackiest ideas to bust my XAH, to have him see the "light". From the many years of experience with the people on SR, forcing a solution, doesn't work.
his recovery is an inside job. What we want really means nothing. We have all tried it, till we were blue in the face, and it didn't work. So what we learn is to let go and let God. That mean's let him go do his thing, and let a higher power watch over him. This is our chance to take care of us and get healthier. We become addicted to him, as he is addicted to alcohol.
Keep posting, hit some meetings and as they say, educate yourself about alcoholism. We all feel your pain, as we have walked in your shoes. Hugs my friend for trying to "help" him.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Vikingcat, I don't know if his friend getting a DUI would be a wake-up call for your AH. I do know that my niece, my AXH's sister's daughter whom he doted on, drove drunk and wrapped her car around a tree. She nearly died. She was ordered to treatment and there were other legal ramifications, too. It had no effect on AXH. There was no a-ha moment for him; no, "Hey, my niece is an alcoholic who got a DUI and nearly died. Maybe I need help with my drinking, too."
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I used to think my husband had a rock bottom.
I don't think he does anymore.
He has lost everything; wife, child, job, home, friends and self respect.
And he would still rather drink.
I think make your decisions based on now, not the unknown of the future and what could make him do this or that. Because you have no control over him. And when one is in the grip of alcoholism I don't think they can be rational like we think they should be.
I don't think he does anymore.
He has lost everything; wife, child, job, home, friends and self respect.
And he would still rather drink.
I think make your decisions based on now, not the unknown of the future and what could make him do this or that. Because you have no control over him. And when one is in the grip of alcoholism I don't think they can be rational like we think they should be.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Oh yeah....I remember the wacky thoughts. I used to think (pray, hope) my husband would get a DUI because SURELY he would stop drinking. Thankfully he stopped before that happened.
As I sit here thinking about the alcoholics that I know; my friends, several have gotten DUI. They all still drink. They all still drink and drive too.
Its a very passive aggressive way to solve (I don't think you have a chance in h*ll of it working) a problem. I highly recommend Al Anon. You need to learn how to set boundaries and address these issues with your husband beyond him saying "i don't have a problem".
Any yeah I agree with Anvil......I would start with stopping cab service from the bar.
As I sit here thinking about the alcoholics that I know; my friends, several have gotten DUI. They all still drink. They all still drink and drive too.
Its a very passive aggressive way to solve (I don't think you have a chance in h*ll of it working) a problem. I highly recommend Al Anon. You need to learn how to set boundaries and address these issues with your husband beyond him saying "i don't have a problem".
Any yeah I agree with Anvil......I would start with stopping cab service from the bar.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you so much to everyone who has replied - I sincerely appreciate all of your advice. It's so nice to hear from people who understand what it's like.
I'm going to look into a family Al-Anon group or something similar.
I'm going to look into a family Al-Anon group or something similar.
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