ArtFriend

Today is my brother's birthday (the one who sent the nasty FedEx). It is the first time ever that I haven't called and sent a bday card. It is so sad that things are like this.

I won't drink about it! Promise

Axiom

I am sorry you are having a difficult time ((AF)).

I am really glad that you will not drink over it though.

sva777

It happened in my family as well, you just have to focus on the good things.

trachemys

AF, make the call, send an e-card. Do what makes you feel right. It's what I've always done and it works for me. Post mortem regrets are more painful than anything.

ArtFriend

I'm conflicted. I am still hurt about what he did.

trachemys

Does what you're doing hurt you?

ArtFriend

No. The situation makes me sad.

Leshar

I have a very difficult relationship with my brother. I'm sorry you're sad. Families can be very difficult sometimes.

EndGameNYC

Your conflicts with your brother and other family members has been a constant theme. This is not a criticism.

Your remaining involved in this conflict keeps you emotionally enmeshed in a situation that has no easy or obvious solution, and for which your continuing involvement only brings you increasing misery and heartache. Taking the necessary actions to free yourself from such a destructive relationship is the cutting edge for you.

It's likely that your new therapist can help you through this process.

Soberpotamus

I can understand how saddening it is, AF. I'm sorry. *hugs*

ArtFriend

Yep... I agree. It is a constant issue. I am working on it in therapy. Sorry to be a broken record here. I won't post about my family issues anymore. Thanks

Ruby2

AF, I'm sorry you are feeling sad about this. Don't NOT post about family issues. Sometimes we all need to vent. You've got your family. I have husband issues. Sometimes I sound like a broken record. I fully expect people to say "well DO something about it, already". And I am. Slowly but surely. And venting/talking about it helps me process that.

You are letting go of someone and something in your life. It is hard. You may be sad and miserable in doing so. But you also know that it is causing you pain if the situation stays the same. You're conflicted about that. I understand that you are sad that it is what it is. Don't drink. You will find your path. Keep looking for it.

Gilmer

I wouldn't commemorate his birthday this year, Art.

Try next year, after some time has passed.

Soberpotamus

Don't be "sorry," AF, and please keep posting about what you are going through, even if it is to say how you feel about it. As Ruby said above, it takes time to process these things. Don't mind the ones who try to tell you how to fix things or which actions to take. Sometimes it's all about saying how we feel. It's hard for some of us to even get to that point of identifying how we feel It's a big step.

ArtFriend

Thanks guys. Sometimes I get tired of myself, so I know I must be irritating others. Yeah... just a short back story about my brother. He is 5 years older than me and I absolutely worshipped him as a kid. He was very handsome, star football player, smart and all that. And as kids he protected me from my violent father. But, over the years, he lost his way and became an alcoholic. My older sister was another one I adored. She was model beautiful, smart, cool. But like my brother, she lost her way and became a drug addict. I was never close to the other brother at all. So, I have lost my sister and now I must let go of brother. I have no relationship with my other brother so no loss there. It is hard. That's all. Working on the loss issues and my addictions too.

EndGameNYC

You're into some very deep and longstanding conflicts here AF.

In the present, your brother is about as much of a protector as he is a high school football star. By whatever twisted consequence of fate, karma, or disease, he's come to identify with your abuser, your father, as an adult. I'm afraid that there's no going back for him without serious, intensive and long-term help. I can also tell you that what you've described is not a rare occurrence within families, without going into unnecessary and potentially harmful detail. That's a conversation or conversations for you and your therapist.

For as long as you continue to engage your brother, in any way, he will continue to play the role of abuser. What I'm seeing is that you've been mourning a loss that's already occurred, rather than a loss that's in the offing were you to cease having contact with your brother. Incomplete and/or unresolved grief can be a tremendous obstacle in terms of getting sober and living a meaningful life, and can be a trigger for relapsing that's on-call, 24/7.

Dharma33

AF, sorry you are struggling but very proud of you for not drinking.

No one's issues are insignificant here- hope you continue to use our support Family is tough- they are the cards we are dealt so we have to do what we can.

ArtFriend

EndGame - yes you are right. I am struggling mightily with unresolved grief for my parents (yes, never dealt with dad's messy death and it's been 50 years ago. He was murdered in a hotel room. Never found the person/s), sister who was also murdered, and now my brother and extended family. How does one process all that? I need a lifetime of therapy and an array of psychiatric experts. so yeah, it is tough.

ArtFriend

And thank you all for the support. It means a lot.

Saskia

(((AF))), I know I sometimes resent people who make suggestions when I feel crummy. It's normal human nature to offer suggestions when we care about someone and feel helpless to do something concrete to help. It's also normal for us to resent advice at times. Difficult family dynamics are common but definitely NOT fun. I hope you will be able to work through this and have some peace.