Cleo1234

its now been about 10 months since my breakup with my xabf ..... he's still living with his new gf and I've had minimal contact with him the last 6 months. I still will text him monthly and ask him about the repayment of the money he owes me ($4,000) His answer is constantly that he will repay me soon and he will usually give me a time frame. When that date passes i will text again and get another "excuse". He sounds sincere when he says he will repay me, but it has yet to happen. I know i should leave it alone, but it makes me feel like id be letting him get away with taking advantage of me. It just burns me up inside!! I thought after the breakup he would realize how good he had it with me since i was basically supporting him for 18 months, but now he has someone new and it makes me feel like i want him to fall on his face for doing me wrong... is that so wrong of me. If makes me feel like a bad person to even think this way. I don't know if its the money he owes me that is making me so mad or that he's in another relationship for the past 7 months that makes me mad. I feel so confused and just want to stop thinking about him and his life and what he's doing... i feel stuck.

ladyscribbler

Well, you can either let this go, because he's obviously not planning to pay you back voluntarily, or you can try to drag him to court over it.
I know that it's a lot of money to just write off, but how much is it worth for you to have peace of mind?
Is it really the money, or do you just want a reason to stay in contact with him? I get the feeling of wanting them to "fall on their face" I really do, but that old chestnut about living well is the best revenge is really true. I fight those feelings by investing in my own happiness, by making a life where his drama and crazymaking have no place.

redatlanta

Is he working?

You can take him to small claims. If you win in small claims you then have to go through the process of obtaining your settlement. Its not always easy (especially if he is not working or has no assets). However, you could garnish wages and/or force a sale if he has an asset to go after. That will be further money for you as well. As long as there is a judgment on his credit it will be impossible for him to buy a house or obtain credit. Sometimes its worth just getting the judgment and waiting though that does not always result in getting paid back.

Or you could chalk it up to lesson learned. I think 4k is pretty inexpensive for getting rid of an alcoholic

You need to decide whether you really want to mess with getting the money back or not. If you do I recommend you send him a demand letter that is ALL business certified mail and give him 30 days to repay. Stop texting him. Move on from there.

AnvilheadII

unless you have some written documentation about a "loan" to him I don't think you'll get very far in court. if this is just money you willingly gave to him, or paid debts on his behalf, covered expenses, I think it's really just gone.

you've been trying for seven months to get any $$out of him and for seven months he's shut you down. it may just be a VERY expensive life lesson, we don't rush in and RESCUE other with OUR financial resources, we give them tools and guidance to fix their own messes.

why not give yourself a break.....next month do NOT text hm. if he ever does decide to pay you back, he knows how to contact you.

daydreamer0217

that is a lot of money. I would say this : my ex owed me money too. when he was on the streets in winter in South Dakota, I paid for him to stay in hotels so he wouldnt be homeless. he was too good for the shelters . **{rolling eyes }} anyway. Right when I went NC I sent hima letter that stated how much he owed me and then I signed it that the balance was 0$ and I dated and signed it. Then I put a sticky note on it that said : you owe me nothing, now there are no ties. and that was that. it felt good to let go of the only thing holding us together anymore. sorry you are stuck hon, hugs to you, I have moments too. I get it

Kboys

Hi Cleo...
My xabf maxed out my $6k credit card in about two months... He said he would pay me back. I think I got less than $500 back from him. It took me a long time, (that was over ten years ago) but I did, eventually just let it go, and I don't feel anger when I think about it anymore. It's a hard lesson to learn...

I definitely relate to that "stuck" feeling. I'm struggling with my own obsessive thoughts lately. I think, like others posted, just living your life, and doing what makes you happy... and time, will eventually get you unstuck.

You'll get there. (((HUGS)))

fluffyflea

I had to suck up 8,000.00 once to an old boyfriend.

He had no intention of ever paying me back and I had no leg to stand on in court.

I also was not interested in keeping contact with him to try and get it back.

You may want to consider the same.

Cleo1234

Thank you all for the replies!! I've really been trying to let it go, but then after some time I get angry again. I know I should of known better and should just chalk it up with a lesson learned... but how do you stop thinking about them and getting past it all?? I can't feel like Karma was delt until I see with my own eyes that he's getting what he deserves for doing me so wrong.

AnvilheadII

cleo, let me ask you a question. did he COERCE that $$ out of you? did he blackmail or threaten you? or did you give it over willingly thinking you were "helping"?

some people have NO problem letting others pay their way......and while that may be a rather slimy way to live.....they simply took what was offered. different value systems.

revenge is a bitter pill. wanting to see others hurt because we are hurting can put US directly in the line of fire. karma doesn't operate on tit for tat nor at OUR whim. me personally I try to put out goo vibes, or at least not too many bad vibes, and fly below karma's radar.....

Katchie

Cleo, the thing is that an alcoholic always gets what is coming to them in the form of natural consequences because of their addiction. He looks rosy, doesn't he? But was this alcoholic rosy with you? Of course not and he wont be with this new person either. Just because outward appearances are what they are doesn't make them true. Goodness, if only my households outward appearances were as bright and shiny as they appeared when I was with my ex! Wow, we would have had an outstanding marriage! It still shocks people who learn about my stbexah and what has/had been going on behind closed doors.
When you have the urge to call him or investigate what he's up to, do you ever just stop yourself and find a new habit? I've thought about myself over the last few years and I know I stopped loving my AH -- I loved him but I wasn't "in love" with him, make sense? He was a habit. He was comfort because he was what I knew and understood for so many years, but I was mistaking that for genuine love that had died caused by all the shenanigans of an alcoholic. The other thing was fear -- fear of the unknown, fear I couldn't make it on my own, fear I wasn't lovable to anyone else and was washed up and useless.
You all have been apart for quite a few months; what are you doing differently to break the habit of him?

Cleo1234

Thank you, Anvilhead ... really!! You are so right and your comment really made me think. I realize wanting bad for him is an awful way to think, and it goes against how i live my life. Im normally a very giving and loving person... i just think my codependant ways have really made me angrier at myself with the handout that i give willingly with nothing in return.

Cleo1234

I really need to stop myself and find a new healthy habit... i know this is only hurting me!! I will make a mindful effort for now on. Thank you!

LemonGirl

My youngest daughter's dad has literally derailed my life... well, I'm still breathing, but oh man... I lost my house, my dog, all of my furniture, almost my car, and all of my credit cards had to go unpaid and to this day I am still dealing with bad credit because he never did pay me the money he owed me. For me, I had to learn to just let it go. I still have anger towards him when I really think about it because he is just an awful human being. BUT, I have learned a thing or two about Karma. Because I have NEVER seen it "get him back" for all of the horrible things he has done. And I don't think it will...

Karma is not "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" redeemer. No. It is more like a spiritual quest. Karma is nothing more than learning both sides of the same coin. Those who fail to see the lesson right in front of them will go through the same lesson over and over again. And so seemingly, many people never "learn their lesson". On the other hand, if you are spiritually growing and are aware, you will most likely learn both sides very quickly. The more you are aware of this, the faster your growth will go. And, in all areas of life.

I'm STILL waiting for his awful behavior to catch up with him. But instead, he just found a new girl to suck dry, and they are now married and have just welcomed a beautiful new born. Sigh... I can only feel for her and this new baby. It is his 3rd, and she is the 3rd mom.

Cleo1234

Thank you! Ive never heard it explained like this before. It was very helpful.

redatlanta

I don't like tossing around the word Karma - I appreciate the explanation by Lemongirl.

People who live off others lead a very exhausting life. It takes a lot of energy to lie and to manipulate. People who live like this eventually run out of gas or cross the wrong person.

I no longer "loan" money. I give money. Because generally speaking in deals with loved ones, SO's, friends and the like payback isn't always there. If I can afford to burn the money, and I want to do it I will give it. I will agree to a payback but I don't expect it.

Loans are what banks are for.

Cleo1234

Yes, very true!

Cleo1234

I want to thank you again for all your replies.... Ive been thinking a lot the past few days about what i want to do. Ive mentioned moths ago that while we were together... he took a check of mine and forged my signature and cashed it for $500. I didn't file charges after we broke up because i thought if he paid me back then all would be fine. Should i just let this go as well?? I don't necessarily care much for the money back, but i would rather like to file criminal charges to make him "pay" for his crime. I just don't know what is best for me. I want to get past this all, but I'm not sure how to. Someone please help me figure this out!!

AnvilheadII

let it go. this happened MONTHS ago and its unlikely enough evidence remains now to prove it. you are digging for ways to GET BACK at him. to make him PAY.

let it go. let him go. take the lessons from all this with you.

Cleo1234

But, why shouldn't he pay? He committed a crime and stole from me on top of all the money and support i gave him. It burns me up inside to think he won't have any consequences of what he did.

Maybe I'm just frustrated because he has ignored me about re-payment. Im having a bad day - sorry!

AnvilheadII

if it was THAT big a deal why didn't you report it at the time? why did you continue to be with the person who STOLE from you? you LET him get away with it........

like I said, the lessons here are for YOU. what not to do in the future. what TO DO in the future.