Townhouse

I will try to keep this as short as possible. I have been married 10 years. My husband am I met in AA. We both ha over 10 years sober when we met. We had no business getting married-we have always bickered an had nasty yelling fights. Anyway, about 3 years ago I started drinking again. I admitted it to him and within a few months he started drinking as well. It was fun at first. Then I noticed he can get really mean after one drink or 5-very unpredictable. So I start trying to control his drinking. This past year has been a mess! 9 months ago I caught him driving our daughter home from school drunk. I had suspected in and he lied so I snuck home from work early and sure enough he was in the garage drinking 30 minutes before pick up time. He is in the union so he is laid off a lot and I have been the primary breadwinner the whole marriage. I have a child from a previous relationship, we have custody of his son, and we have a daughter together. So I support 5 people. Anyway, I have kept my drinking in check mostly because I am terrified of a DUI and I am busy trying to control him. I bought a breathalyzer so he couldn't keep lying if he had drank or not. I told him I was moving out with the kids at the end I the school year-which is now. So of course he kept messing up until 2 months ago and then got scared and to substance abuse counseling and Celebrate Recovery. So, I feel guilt that I started us drinking again. I feel guilt that I sent mixed messages for the last couple years "no alcohol in our home" then I would bring home wine. Or "you can't drink anymore you are irreaponsivle and dangerous" then we go to dinner and I would say "ok you can have 2 beers" . Well after waking up from surgery 2 months ago with him in the kitchen cooking drunk I said no more and was ready to move out. I am giving the short version he's done a lot of really irresponsible and hurtful things when he drinks and everyone is on eggshells. Anyway, when I came home with moving boxes 2 months ago and started packing he suddenly became willing to do ANYTHING to keep his family. I have my own therapist and he says he isn't surprised because sometimes with the greatest pain comes the greatest change. He used to see both of us and believes he sincerely wanted to quit drinking but wasn't gettin the support he needed either counseling or meetings. Well now what do I do? He's not immersed in recovery he is just staying sober. I hate constantly wondering when the sneaking and lying will start again. If it wasn't for my kids he would NOT be given another chance. I have talked to a lawyer and basically was just told I will probably have to pay him alimony and if we can't prove he has an alcohol problem he can get joint custody. I have no proof. I am terrified that he will drive or be around my daughter drunk if I leave. I have been through a divorce before and there is no way to enforce stuff like he can't drink around the child, etc. and I have no faith in family court I have seen AWFUL parents end up with unsupervised visits and way too much parenting time. Even my step son was horribly abused and his mom kept custody until CPS had to step in for the tenth time! Anyway, I am lost. I do not want to be selfish, but I am tired of financially and emotionally supporting him and he lies. His son (though not his fault) is high maintenance (lies as well, gets in trouble at school-but is doing much better). I fantasize how peaceful my life would be with just me and my two. The arguing is out of control. There's is what I consider some emotional and verbal abuse on both our parts. Part of my wants to just cut bait and run and live out the rest of my life blissfully single and the other part is scared and feels guilty. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

ladyscribbler

Is legal separation an option? It sounds like both of you could use some time to work on your sobriety individually, without the stress of worrying about divorce/custody/alimony issues. You've got a lot going on, and it sounds like a huge responsibility primarily on your shoulders, both financially and emotionally.
No real advice, just sending hugs and support your way. It's good that you've found your way here.

Townhouse

Thank you for responding. I asked the lawyer about legal separation. She said it would require we figure out a custody plan and divide up assets so it's basically the same process we just wouldn't be divorced. She also said we have the issue with the house-it's under water so we would have to short sale. He has told me he will never willingly sale and will not cooperate with a realtor. This means a judge would have to order him out of the house. He doesn't work steady enough to make the payments and I would rather rent a small place then try to manage this oversized burden of a house. Also, the lawyer said if I leave with our child the judge can order back in the house until custody is figured out because they like to keep things "normal as possible" for the kids. So basically I would need to serve him, go to court, all that while still living with him! That would be totally hostile so hopefully that doesn't have to happen.

CodeJob

Hello Townhouse,

Welcome to SR. I think the best advice I can give you is work on you. All of the kids have had to suffer with two active alcoholic parents. The only one you can truly impact is you. If you leave this relationship, the problems aren't totally going away at all if you aren't truly sober.

redatlanta

I think you need to cut yourself a break on his picking up because you did. You didn't make him drink.

I advise that you work with your therapist on your codependent issues. You've been trying to control and manage his drinking as well as your own. That is something that will not work long term. Al Anon will be a great resource for you.

Your worries about what will happen if you divorce are valid. Many here have stayed for the same reason. Alimony is the least of your worries IMO as you are already supporting him. It may actually be more cost effective for you. Alimony is seldom long term now a days.

It sounds like you are checked out of the marriage already. In as much as you feel you are controlling the environment now that is only because he is cooperating a bit and you have been lucky. You will not be able to monitor him 24/7 even if he is living under your roof. While you might be able to control some situations as far as drinking and driving, your children are being exposed to an active alcoholic daily. This is very unhealthy for them, and will result in long term issues for them no matter how vigilant you are about trying to lessen their exposure to his drinking problem. It would be beneficial for you to read on the ACOA forum here about what kids who grow up in alcoholic homes endure. It is better to provide your children with a stable environment most of the time rather than never.

I think you need to put some thought into whether or not you are done with marriage even if he gets on board with a recovery program. you have more issues here than just alcoholism. You sound tired to me of supporting someone else's lifestyle on your dime and I wonder if that has ever been any different in the marriage?

I also recommend to consult with some other attorneys. It may be what the first attorney told you is the bottom line, or maybe not. You should start keeping a journal of what is happening in your home in regard to his drinking. He can "say" whatever he wants regarding cooperation of sale of the house. I would not take very kindly to being threatened and neither will a Judge. I have seen a divorce where a spouse refused to cooperate with selling (and it was put on the market anyway). She did make things difficult and she did refuse entry to the house to the realtor and prospective buyers. She ended up in contempt, and in jail.

You are the one with the money and that gives you an edge. I'm not saying he won't make things difficult, but he is at far less advantage since it appears he cannot afford an attorney.

FeelingGreat

Hi Townhouse, if you suspect him of drinking and driving with the kids on board, consider talking to the local police about how you can handle it. It might involve you contacting them while he's in the car. Apart from that, keep a diary, any empty bottles you find, photos etc. if you suspect him of still drinking.
You didn't cause him to drink, but you didn't help either, especially by bringing alcohol into the house. I'm a sober A, and I'm only that way by not having alcohol around me. I can do the odd party or occasion without problems, but having it in the house would be fatal.
I don't understand about the alimony, but I'd be surprised if it turned out to be more expensive than what you're paying out now.

Townhouse

Thanks for the replies. I agree alimony is the least of my problems for sure. All I care about is my kids are OK and they aren't. I feel just horrible what we have put them through. When I think about the emotional damage done to them our of our self-centeredness it takes me to a very dark place and I don't know I can ever forgive myself.

Pipping

Townhouse,
Make your sobriety your number one priority, that and protecting your kids. Your kids have no control over any of this and are helpless and need you to step up and protect them by being hurt by your AH. The drunk driving thing is abhorrent and I second Feelinggreats suggestion of contacting the police. By working on your sobriety and being there for your kids you can all start to heal but while you have an active A caring for them they will remain emotionally scarred and frightened. I wish you all the best.xxx

Townhouse

Thanks. I guess my confusion is with him being an "active alcoholic". He hasn't drank in 2 1/2 months. I know that's not long term sobriety. Jowever, I think well he is going to counseling, not drinking, and not justifying or minimizing or trying to convince me he can have "a couple". I feel like I should to give him a chance, but stay ready to leave if he drinks again. I have been keeping a journal with dates and specific details of the things he's done. In my heart I believe we will/could last another couple years if we stay sober, but I don't see it lasting longer than that. The divorce rate is high and there is so much hurt already inflected. I would wish him the best and just want to see him happy and healthy.

FeelingGreat

Townhouse, if you're willing to give it another couple of years, on the strong proviso he stays sober, why not invest your time in learning to communicate with him in a positive way? I say that because you mentioned in your OP that you both 'bickered and had nasty yelling fights'. I suggest it because it makes a marriage and family life so much more pleasant. There are plenty of books and courses around on how to communicate without aggression, and it could make your family's quality of life so much better. Just a thought.

ladyscribbler

Celebrate Recovery has programs for family members. Have you and your kids gone to any of them? I personally go to Al-anon, but several members here attend CR and have had really good results.
Since he is sober and you saw the pattern you got into trying to manage and control his drinking, it would probably be worth your time to go to CR or Al-anon for yourself. It might help to lower the level of stress in your life and help with communication in your marriage.

SadInTX

My story is so similar to yours...met my current AH in AA...he started drinking after 6 months (we got married shortly after meeting/dating)...I drink sometimes now, but know when to stop after two glasses of wine...he became different once he started drinking..became verbally and mentally abusive (he doesn't see it that way). I always thought it was due to the alcohol but after coming to this forum, reading lots of books and going to therapy I now know those are two separate issues. I too have children from a previous relationship, so does my AH. My ex took me to court trying to get custody of my kids, had home study, I won. We have shared custody but I have primary (he pays me child support, they go to the school in my district). My AH just recently got a DUI...so we have gone through A LOT in our two year marriage so far. Enough about me...(just letting you know we have some similarities)...it sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I am sure there are some good qualities of your husband and in your marriage, otherwise you probably wouldn't have married him. You mentioned that you have tried to control his drinking (before this 2 1/2 month sobriety). As we all know we cannot control anything but ourselves. Coming to this forum I realized that I have major codependency issues...trying to control everything in our house...high anxiety when my AH drinks...overwhelmed with house work but refusing to have others help because I don't think they will do it "my" way...so AH drinks because of how I am acting (part of the reason - I know I don't cause him to drink - that's on him)...it is just a very bad cycle to be in. Does this sound familiar? I cannot go to Al Anon at this time but I started going back to therapy on a regular basis, am reading Why Does He Do That - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft , reading Codependent No More by Beattie and reading a lot on this site. I have to work on me to get strong...to get my head on straight..learn how to think with my head, not with all my heart...so I can make my final decision of my marriage. Being on the fence is awful...it is not fair to myself, my children or my husband. A month ago I was ready to get an apartment and leave but I decided for me to give it more time so I can work on myself. I still have a plan B...sounds like that is what you are working on right now and that is great! There is no time limit...everyone works their journey on their own time. Take the advice here and do what you feel is best for you and your kids. It is overwhelming, I know...but take it in little chunks...what can you do today that can improve yourself or your situation? Thanks for posting your situation...it helps me to know I am not alone...hugs...keep coming to this forum...

Townhouse

Thank you-perfectly describes how I feel. Thanks to everyone I will take suggestions!!