new here and fiance needs help
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new here and fiance needs help
Hello everyone. My fiancé is in serious trouble. Last week there was an incident on her job route. She was pulled over forfelony DWI, endangering the lives of minors and criminal damage to property. She is a school bus driver and was transporting kids on a field trip. Thank the Lord that no one was injured. I somewhat blame myself because I was away on business. She is currently suspended from work and is continuing to drink. I am finding her passed out at various places when I arrive home at 4pm. We had to hire an expensive attorney. That money as suppose to be for our wedding. I am so angry at her I don't know what to do. How can someone continue to drink after such a scary incident?
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Hi, and welcome. First off, it's not your fault, nor your responsibility. Thank God, indeed, that no one was hurt.
Continuing to drink after something like this is what alcoholics DO. Logic does not apply. On the positive side, she will almost certainly have to attend recovery meetings and maybe something will click.
I'd be re-thinking the wedding plans at this point, regardless of expense. Getting married to an active alcoholic is jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I'd suggest learning all you can about alcoholism, and finding an Al-Anon meeting to get much-needed support for yourself. There isn't anything you can do to MAKE her quit drinking, but a lot you can do for yourself.
Continuing to drink after something like this is what alcoholics DO. Logic does not apply. On the positive side, she will almost certainly have to attend recovery meetings and maybe something will click.
I'd be re-thinking the wedding plans at this point, regardless of expense. Getting married to an active alcoholic is jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I'd suggest learning all you can about alcoholism, and finding an Al-Anon meeting to get much-needed support for yourself. There isn't anything you can do to MAKE her quit drinking, but a lot you can do for yourself.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Oh wow. First off, welcome to SR. There is great support here, and I am glad you found this place.
Your fiancé is in serious trouble, and if I were you, I would think twice about putting a penny towards any attorney since she is still actively drinking. Thing is, this is addict behavior. She needs serious inpatient help it sounds to me.
It's good she is suspended from work. It's sad to me that she did not lose her job immediately? If that were my children on the bus, if she ever drives a bus again, I would go after the school.
You cannot blame yourself for being away. You are not a babysitter, you are her fiancé. Which leads me to my next suggestion, which would be to postpone any plans you have of getting married to an addict.
There are stickies here at the tops of the forums, and great info on here. Being married to an addict is a rough rough life. You are still engaged and it's this bad. She continues to drink because she is an addict.
Have you ever sought out any meeting such as Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or other support groups? You need face to face support for yourself from people who understand what you are going through.
I am so sorry for the reason you are here, but am extremely glad you are here. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Your fiancé is in serious trouble, and if I were you, I would think twice about putting a penny towards any attorney since she is still actively drinking. Thing is, this is addict behavior. She needs serious inpatient help it sounds to me.
It's good she is suspended from work. It's sad to me that she did not lose her job immediately? If that were my children on the bus, if she ever drives a bus again, I would go after the school.
You cannot blame yourself for being away. You are not a babysitter, you are her fiancé. Which leads me to my next suggestion, which would be to postpone any plans you have of getting married to an addict.
There are stickies here at the tops of the forums, and great info on here. Being married to an addict is a rough rough life. You are still engaged and it's this bad. She continues to drink because she is an addict.
Have you ever sought out any meeting such as Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or other support groups? You need face to face support for yourself from people who understand what you are going through.
I am so sorry for the reason you are here, but am extremely glad you are here. Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Some of the biggest regrets of my relationship with my ex center around all the times I "helped" him fix some mess he'd created for himself. I didn't realize that I wasn't really helping him at all, but enabling his alcoholism to progress and flourish. You aren't even slightly responsible for this. These are her consequences for her choices.
His normal routine after some big disaster- jail, emergency room, whatever, was to come home and immediately start drinking again. It's alcoholic thinking, trying to find logic in it will only make you crazy.
I agree with others who have suggested getting some support from yourself. I attend Al-anon meetings and have had great results from that.
His normal routine after some big disaster- jail, emergency room, whatever, was to come home and immediately start drinking again. It's alcoholic thinking, trying to find logic in it will only make you crazy.
I agree with others who have suggested getting some support from yourself. I attend Al-anon meetings and have had great results from that.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,251
I'd say it's better you found out now.
Good she was suspended and being on the job perhaps a union & company might help her through this. But that's the bad news as well-it happened on the job.
But remember this is their legal issue to deal with, especially financially. Let them pay their way through this. This is not a family or marriage problem it is a personal problem.
Good Luck
Good she was suspended and being on the job perhaps a union & company might help her through this. But that's the bad news as well-it happened on the job.
But remember this is their legal issue to deal with, especially financially. Let them pay their way through this. This is not a family or marriage problem it is a personal problem.
Good Luck
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Oh my gosh wow.
Welcome sorry this is going on. My advice? Allow her to have accountability. Wedding money is going to pay for an attorney, and she is still drinking - I think God is giving you a big, red flag. Pay attention to it.
I somewhat blame myself because I was away on business please clarify? Was someone holding a gun to her head to drink? and the same to get behind the wheel? Otherwise I'm not seeing in any way how you are to blame. Please don't take responsibility for this in any way. Allow her the accountability.
The reason she is still drinking is because she is an alcoholic I suspect.
Welcome sorry this is going on. My advice? Allow her to have accountability. Wedding money is going to pay for an attorney, and she is still drinking - I think God is giving you a big, red flag. Pay attention to it.
I somewhat blame myself because I was away on business please clarify? Was someone holding a gun to her head to drink? and the same to get behind the wheel? Otherwise I'm not seeing in any way how you are to blame. Please don't take responsibility for this in any way. Allow her the accountability.
The reason she is still drinking is because she is an alcoholic I suspect.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
How can someone continue to drink after such a scary incident?
one could ask - how could someone DRINK and then get behind the wheel of a SCHOOL BUS full of CHILDREN??
people for whom alcohol has become a big life problem. for whom alcohol has been all consuming, and always consumed.
i agree, she needs help - IF SHE IS WILLING to accept help. she should have resources thru work, her insurance should pay for treatment.
and that's all well and good FOR HER.....but you are kind of left holding the bag here. you are not reponsibile for any of this....not for her drinking, EVER at any time, not for what she does while you are not there to WATCH her (booze police), not for waht she does before work, and not for what she is doing now that she is not working and is face down plastered by 4pm.
your job is to figure out where and if you still fit it into all of this....i would think any wedding plans would be pushed off a bit....if not longer. should she go into rehab TODAY she will still needs lots of time and will need to put forth every ounce of energy she has into getting clean and staying clean.....for life.
even with the best rehab, she could drunk inside of an hour upon release. she may not have it in her to quit and stay quit right now. she may relapse often. things can always GET WORSE. she could lose her job. be put on probation. drive drunk again and hurt someone. hurt herself. the consequences of continuing to drink are not pretty at all.
while i understand that everyone needs decent representation in a court of law, i am not one who believes they should try to pay their way out of crimes that they truly did commit. this is when CONSEQUENCES could have a pay off.
i wish you both the best.
one could ask - how could someone DRINK and then get behind the wheel of a SCHOOL BUS full of CHILDREN??
people for whom alcohol has become a big life problem. for whom alcohol has been all consuming, and always consumed.
i agree, she needs help - IF SHE IS WILLING to accept help. she should have resources thru work, her insurance should pay for treatment.
and that's all well and good FOR HER.....but you are kind of left holding the bag here. you are not reponsibile for any of this....not for her drinking, EVER at any time, not for what she does while you are not there to WATCH her (booze police), not for waht she does before work, and not for what she is doing now that she is not working and is face down plastered by 4pm.
your job is to figure out where and if you still fit it into all of this....i would think any wedding plans would be pushed off a bit....if not longer. should she go into rehab TODAY she will still needs lots of time and will need to put forth every ounce of energy she has into getting clean and staying clean.....for life.
even with the best rehab, she could drunk inside of an hour upon release. she may not have it in her to quit and stay quit right now. she may relapse often. things can always GET WORSE. she could lose her job. be put on probation. drive drunk again and hurt someone. hurt herself. the consequences of continuing to drink are not pretty at all.
while i understand that everyone needs decent representation in a court of law, i am not one who believes they should try to pay their way out of crimes that they truly did commit. this is when CONSEQUENCES could have a pay off.
i wish you both the best.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80 
Hello everyone. My fiancé is in serious trouble. Last week there was an incident on her job route. She was pulled over forfelony DWI, endangering the lives of minors and criminal damage to property. She is a school bus driver and was transporting kids on a field trip. Thank the Lord that no one was injured. I somewhat blame myself because I was away on business. She is currently suspended from work and is continuing to drink. I am finding her passed out at various places when I arrive home at 4pm. We had to hire an expensive attorney. That money as suppose to be for our wedding. I am so angry at her I don't know what to do. How can someone continue to drink after such a scary incident?
Shes lucky no one was hurt, sooo lucky for everyone.
Possibly due to this she will be forced to get some kind of treatment. My suggestion would be to take some time now and learn the recommendations for treating substance abuse. This is a very good place to begin and has tons of info for patients and families.
Patients & Families | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
Also know there are groups for support for both those suffering and their families. Some people have mentioned Alanon which is based on the 12 step model. There are also others like Smart Recovery and it uses a therapeutic behavioral approach .
My husband and I both used private therapy, and we did family counseling. Id suggest this for both of you. It really helped us a lot.
((Hugs))
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Again, I'm going to say what everyone else here has said. This is not your fault.
If you have one take away from this thread it's that you are in no way responsible for her behavior.
Clearly this wasn't her first episode with alcohol. I would even go so far as to guess that maybe you "saw this coming". That doesn't in any way make you responsible, but it does make me wonder why you didn't already slow down the engagement.
I ask this because I too knew my XAH had a unaddressed drinking problem before we got married. I wanted so much to believe that love could conquer all that I turned a blind eye to reality. It wasn't a good choice. Both emotionally and financially.
I would never tell you what to do, but I will tell you this. The school bus incident was a blessing. It forced you to look square into the jaws of addiction, with no one dead or injured.
Please use this opportunity to reevaluate your relationship. Not only if she's right for you, but if this is the right time. What do you want/need from a relationship? What do you want/need from a marriage. Is there room for addiction in those wants and needs? Is there room for the long road of recovery (if she chooses that)?
There's lots of help available to you. Sober Recovery, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, clergy, therapy . Living with an active addict can be very isolating. Please know you are absolutely, unequivocally, unquestionably not alone.
(((((((( hugs ))))))))
If you have one take away from this thread it's that you are in no way responsible for her behavior.
Clearly this wasn't her first episode with alcohol. I would even go so far as to guess that maybe you "saw this coming". That doesn't in any way make you responsible, but it does make me wonder why you didn't already slow down the engagement.
I ask this because I too knew my XAH had a unaddressed drinking problem before we got married. I wanted so much to believe that love could conquer all that I turned a blind eye to reality. It wasn't a good choice. Both emotionally and financially.
I would never tell you what to do, but I will tell you this. The school bus incident was a blessing. It forced you to look square into the jaws of addiction, with no one dead or injured.
Please use this opportunity to reevaluate your relationship. Not only if she's right for you, but if this is the right time. What do you want/need from a relationship? What do you want/need from a marriage. Is there room for addiction in those wants and needs? Is there room for the long road of recovery (if she chooses that)?
There's lots of help available to you. Sober Recovery, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, clergy, therapy . Living with an active addict can be very isolating. Please know you are absolutely, unequivocally, unquestionably not alone.
(((((((( hugs ))))))))
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
Hi
I feel your anger. I am the mother of an adult child alcoholic with 2 DUI's. I hope my experience my help you. My advice is STOP.
Stop blaming yourself
Stop trying to understand how she can drink after this
Stop supporting her financially. (If she is suspended and drinking all day, my guess is that you alone are responsible for all the day to day bills) And that includes giving her spending money (which will only be used to buy alcohol.)
Stop looking for attorneys, or looking up case law, or looking up rehab programs.
The only thing you can do is support HER desire to get into some kind of program. She and she alone needs to handle the consequences of her drinking.
I agree with the person above who said "God is showing you red flags. Put the wedding on hold. I learned this lesson the hard way. I did all the items above for our daughter's 1st DUI. All it did was make me poorer and stressed. Good luck to both of you.
I feel your anger. I am the mother of an adult child alcoholic with 2 DUI's. I hope my experience my help you. My advice is STOP.
Stop blaming yourself
Stop trying to understand how she can drink after this
Stop supporting her financially. (If she is suspended and drinking all day, my guess is that you alone are responsible for all the day to day bills) And that includes giving her spending money (which will only be used to buy alcohol.)
Stop looking for attorneys, or looking up case law, or looking up rehab programs.
The only thing you can do is support HER desire to get into some kind of program. She and she alone needs to handle the consequences of her drinking.
I agree with the person above who said "God is showing you red flags. Put the wedding on hold. I learned this lesson the hard way. I did all the items above for our daughter's 1st DUI. All it did was make me poorer and stressed. Good luck to both of you.
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She continues to drink because she is an alcoholic.
Are there any Alanon meetings in your area for you?
Keep coming here and reading to learn about Alcoholism.
Are there any Alanon meetings in your area for you?
Keep coming here and reading to learn about Alcoholism.
Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80
Hello everyone. My fiancé is in serious trouble. Last week there was an incident on her job route. She was pulled over forfelony DWI, endangering the lives of minors and criminal damage to property. She is a school bus driver and was transporting kids on a field trip. Thank the Lord that no one was injured. I somewhat blame myself because I was away on business. She is currently suspended from work and is continuing to drink. I am finding her passed out at various places when I arrive home at 4pm. We had to hire an expensive attorney. That money as suppose to be for our wedding. I am so angry at her I don't know what to do. How can someone continue to drink after such a scary incident?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Judging from your chosen name, I would say she's the last person you should marry. I had parents who drank heavily at one stage, so I know the feeling of just wishing there was no such thing as alcohol, and imagining how perfect things would be if it just went away. She's still drinking, it's not going to disappear and you'll have plenty of time to regret your choice.
I know there will be feelings of 'abandoning' her, or punishing her, but she needs a really strong reality check.
If you want marriage to someone you can leave with the children (if that's part of your dream), then I suggest you move on as soon as you can. By all means split the wedding money so she can hire a lawyer.
I know there will be feelings of 'abandoning' her, or punishing her, but she needs a really strong reality check.
If you want marriage to someone you can leave with the children (if that's part of your dream), then I suggest you move on as soon as you can. By all means split the wedding money so she can hire a lawyer.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Today I made several calls to re have. It appears her insurance will only pay for outpatient. It appears she us going to lose the two things she loves: driving and working with children. The union does not seem to be standing behind her. Meanwhile, she has nothing but time to drink and complain about her life. Her parents are coming in this weekend. They don't know how bad it is.
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I'd let her make any calls to rehabs. AA is free. I know plenty of people, including myself (7 years sober) and my first husband (35 years sober) who needed nothing more than the help of other people who have learned to live sober, happily.
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Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80
Today I made several calls to re have. It appears her insurance will only pay for outpatient. It appears she us going to lose the two things she loves: driving and working with children. The union does not seem to be standing behind her. Meanwhile, she has nothing but time to drink and complain about her life. Her parents are coming in this weekend. They don't know how bad it is.
My thoughts are with you both.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Thank you everyone. Blue chair, yes the attorney has been a great help. He assured us that he will try to get things reduced the best he can. She is 35 and never been arrested. We were planning on couples therapy but I guess that don't matter now. She is crying to me that she is innocent despite the fact that blood was drawn at the hospital. It's absurd.
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Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80
Thank you everyone. Blue chair, yes the attorney has been a great help. He assured us that he will try to get things reduced the best he can. She is 35 and never been arrested. We were planning on couples therapy but I guess that don't matter now. She is crying to me that she is innocent despite the fact that blood was drawn at the hospital. It's absurd.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
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Welcome. I ditto the great advice you've already been given especially about silencing those wedding bells for a bit. The union probably isn't standing behind her because of lawsuits. I'd be surprised if not a few parents of those children sue. Even though she's never gotten in trouble like this, it's obvious her consciousness has been overtaken by alcohol.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I hope they throw the book at her. Not because of vengeance or being heartless, but because the seriousness of this is mind boggling and she is still indulging. My new brother in law is sitting in prison right now going to AA /NA meetings and seeing a therapist once a week, so there is help behind bars too.
My ex had is consequences reduced again and again and never learned his lesson. Sentenced to AA, community service, rehab 5x and still he screws up. Dam lucky he didn't kill himself or someone else. This last mandated rehab stint of his was supposed to be 18 months. He did 9. It has taught him very little from what I've seen. Let her sink or swim on her own or you'll be right back here again with the same complaints.
Get some help for yourself in the meantime. Meetings, therapy whatever it takes for you to stay grounded. The drama of an addicts life is like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz. It you get sucks up and land in some bizarre world with no idea how you got there or how to get out.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I hope they throw the book at her. Not because of vengeance or being heartless, but because the seriousness of this is mind boggling and she is still indulging. My new brother in law is sitting in prison right now going to AA /NA meetings and seeing a therapist once a week, so there is help behind bars too.
My ex had is consequences reduced again and again and never learned his lesson. Sentenced to AA, community service, rehab 5x and still he screws up. Dam lucky he didn't kill himself or someone else. This last mandated rehab stint of his was supposed to be 18 months. He did 9. It has taught him very little from what I've seen. Let her sink or swim on her own or you'll be right back here again with the same complaints.
Get some help for yourself in the meantime. Meetings, therapy whatever it takes for you to stay grounded. The drama of an addicts life is like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz. It you get sucks up and land in some bizarre world with no idea how you got there or how to get out.
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