Won't you don't know, can't hurt you, right?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Won't you don't know, can't hurt you, right?
I recently blocked A and everyone in A's life for good. Honestly for the most part I feel like a new woman, I feel happy, I feel FREE! However, every now and then something takes hold of me and I feel sad, angry and alone, etc., etc., etc. I realize that’s very normal and it will pass and thank god it passes so quickly these days, but I do keep coming back to this forum to read so I can continue to stay strong.
I guess I am posting this so I can get some support and advice to continue to stay strong. Hell I know I made the right choice and I haven’t been this excited about life in a LONG time but there are still some weak moments. Those nagging feeling of “what ifs” still surface.
Somehow I still feel guilty for blocking everyone and not saying anything about it. The last time I did this to A and let him back in my life, he told me that he was on the verge of destruction. That I can’t imagine the path he was going to take once he realized he lost me. He never fully explained what this meant, but I didn’t want to know because I did not want to feel guilted back into the relationship. But cutting off contact now, of course those words haunt me.
I blocked his parents, his best friend, him, without telling them so, I really felt like I had explained myself enough times in the past and that obviously they aren’t stupid, realize what I need to do for ME and won’t take it personally but of course there is this part of me that wonders is all hell breaking loose now? If he dies, I will never know, if they reach out and I don’t respond because obviously I won’t ever get the message, will that hurt them that much more? If I don’t go to his funeral, will they feel as if I never loved him or cared for them. I KNOW they certainly haven’t cared a **** about how I feel and it’s in my best interest to cut them from my life, boy do I know this, but it can still bug me somehow.
Anyone who has been through similar have any suggestions, advice, etc. I’m trying to tell myself what I don’t know, can’t hurt, but it’s still hard for a person like me to be like, that includes knowing whether you’re alive or not, ha!
I guess I am posting this so I can get some support and advice to continue to stay strong. Hell I know I made the right choice and I haven’t been this excited about life in a LONG time but there are still some weak moments. Those nagging feeling of “what ifs” still surface.
Somehow I still feel guilty for blocking everyone and not saying anything about it. The last time I did this to A and let him back in my life, he told me that he was on the verge of destruction. That I can’t imagine the path he was going to take once he realized he lost me. He never fully explained what this meant, but I didn’t want to know because I did not want to feel guilted back into the relationship. But cutting off contact now, of course those words haunt me.
I blocked his parents, his best friend, him, without telling them so, I really felt like I had explained myself enough times in the past and that obviously they aren’t stupid, realize what I need to do for ME and won’t take it personally but of course there is this part of me that wonders is all hell breaking loose now? If he dies, I will never know, if they reach out and I don’t respond because obviously I won’t ever get the message, will that hurt them that much more? If I don’t go to his funeral, will they feel as if I never loved him or cared for them. I KNOW they certainly haven’t cared a **** about how I feel and it’s in my best interest to cut them from my life, boy do I know this, but it can still bug me somehow.
Anyone who has been through similar have any suggestions, advice, etc. I’m trying to tell myself what I don’t know, can’t hurt, but it’s still hard for a person like me to be like, that includes knowing whether you’re alive or not, ha!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, it will get easier as time goes on. Tell yourself the truth; that you wish them well but they're out of your life now. Say that over and over when you start feeling like you could somehow save them from life's little disasters.
A lot of this may stem from loneliness. Power through it, make other friends and move on.
A lot of this may stem from loneliness. Power through it, make other friends and move on.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Lots of future tripping here- you're projecting about what might happen at his funeral ifhe dies. And honestly, that's the kind of news you find out. Big stuff like a death. Obituaries get printed in the newspaper, after all.
If he's going to self destruct, he'll do it whether you have a front row seat or not. Blocking him and his family just saves you from torturing yourself with every little random detail, blowing things up, analyzing them to death. And honestly that remark could mean just about anything coming from an active alcoholic. My ex is the king of melodrama. The more distance I get, the more ridiculous and pathetic that kind of stuff sounds. When I was enmeshed in our relationship, it had so much power over me. Now I just roll my eyes.
What really helped me was time, distance and consciously shifting the energy I used to spend obsessing over him and his woes onto taking care of myself.
Pick up the newspaper, and when you've finished poring over the obituaries, check out the community events section. Pick out one or two things that sound like fun. See a play, go to the roller derby, take an art class. Get out and live your life. He's not dead yet, and neither are you.
If he's going to self destruct, he'll do it whether you have a front row seat or not. Blocking him and his family just saves you from torturing yourself with every little random detail, blowing things up, analyzing them to death. And honestly that remark could mean just about anything coming from an active alcoholic. My ex is the king of melodrama. The more distance I get, the more ridiculous and pathetic that kind of stuff sounds. When I was enmeshed in our relationship, it had so much power over me. Now I just roll my eyes.
What really helped me was time, distance and consciously shifting the energy I used to spend obsessing over him and his woes onto taking care of myself.
Pick up the newspaper, and when you've finished poring over the obituaries, check out the community events section. Pick out one or two things that sound like fun. See a play, go to the roller derby, take an art class. Get out and live your life. He's not dead yet, and neither are you.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
I really am doing all the things necessary to keep moving on and I’m happy about it. I am spending lots of quality time with friends and family, doing things around the house, taking care of me, changing my thoughts every time they start to go back to him but, well I think it's more about me letting go of feeling rejected, you know? That still hurts, that you tried everything you could in vain to help and to love them and that he just continued to hurt me and do terrible, awful things while never seeing that it was terrible, awful things.
It's closure I have to get on my own and I am, but I guess it also still goes against my nature to turn my back on people even when I know I have no other choice. He actually said this last time he relapsed that he has just decided to drink until his death and we should just love each other until the end. But he can't even respect me so why would I choose to stay in his life? I think I need to be comfortable in saying it's ok that I choose to move on and not be a part of it. That I am not abandoning him, I am just doing what's best for ME and that's ok!
It's closure I have to get on my own and I am, but I guess it also still goes against my nature to turn my back on people even when I know I have no other choice. He actually said this last time he relapsed that he has just decided to drink until his death and we should just love each other until the end. But he can't even respect me so why would I choose to stay in his life? I think I need to be comfortable in saying it's ok that I choose to move on and not be a part of it. That I am not abandoning him, I am just doing what's best for ME and that's ok!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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And another thing, he lives over 1500 miles away and has no connection with anyone here in my life. I am not on social media, I have no way of being in contact with anyone he knows so unless I purposely go online searching for his obituary I really don't think I'll ever know and I think I should take advantage of that. I think that's a blessing in disguise that I can walk away and never have to hear a damn thing about him and from him. I guess I still struggle with, is that healthy? Am I choosing to live in ignorant bliss or am I making a smart choice to protect myself. That there is nothing left in that relationship and it’s best I never bring any part of it back into my life.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
It's crazy to me that he thinks this is not only ok but that it will somehow make me want him back. Yeah....well why wouldn't he? I always did take him back, no matter what awful crap he put me through, but that is so not the case now. Now it only makes me want to keep moving forward until he is just a distant memory. Thank God for that! Thank god the heartbreak has turned to disgust!
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