Here we go again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
Here we go again
On vacation in punta Cana and hubby's drinking. I really have no idea what to do. I've tried talking to him. Nothing it's like talking to the wall. Last night he crossed a line I swore he never would. They wanted to arrest him. I said it would be fine. Nothing feels fine. It feels a mess. I talked to him this morning and at first he said he didn't drink. Not sure who he thought he was fooling when I went to dinner with just my daughter and strangers were asking if we were ok bc they saw everything. I wouldn't give him the room keys bc of alcohol. Didn't matter much though bc he was already drunk. I left him to sit by the pool. Yeah he didn't drink HA but jumped in the pool in his clothes. Yeah that's sober behavior. While we were eating dinner they came by and said they needed the keys to take him to bed. This morning when I went over everything that happened at first he said I was exaggerating. Then said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Yeah pretty sure that's a load of crap. Here we are sitting in the room again. Keeps insisting he didnt drink today. I just don't even know what to do anymore. Do I line up something for when we get home? Do I kick him out of the house? We are getting ready to close on a new house. I so scared of what will happen. We still have five days left of vacation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Meg,
I am sorry that he has ruined your vacation. As you know talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is like talking to someone who doesn't speak your language. It's not going to work!!
The best thing you can do for you and your daughter is take care of you two. Do stuff you want and ignore him, if he's drinking or not. Does it really matter. Don't let him ruin the rest of the days. Plan stuff and do it. Try and stop obsessing over him, as your daughter deserves a good vacation also.Once she sees you having fun she will also.
Hugs my friend. No suggestions about him after your vacation, but I would hit an alanon meeting or an open aa meeting to help you deal with what is going on in your home. Your child deserves one healthy parent.
I am sorry that he has ruined your vacation. As you know talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is like talking to someone who doesn't speak your language. It's not going to work!!
The best thing you can do for you and your daughter is take care of you two. Do stuff you want and ignore him, if he's drinking or not. Does it really matter. Don't let him ruin the rest of the days. Plan stuff and do it. Try and stop obsessing over him, as your daughter deserves a good vacation also.Once she sees you having fun she will also.
Hugs my friend. No suggestions about him after your vacation, but I would hit an alanon meeting or an open aa meeting to help you deal with what is going on in your home. Your child deserves one healthy parent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
from a financial standpoint, making such a HUGE investment with a very active alcoholic does NOT sound like a wise decision. as it is you can't even trust him to behave himself on vacation.
you have four more days of this nonsense.....and then a lifetime of it, unless you decide its just too much. I don't envy you....some serious thinking to do!
you have four more days of this nonsense.....and then a lifetime of it, unless you decide its just too much. I don't envy you....some serious thinking to do!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
How's your daughter?
I would try and enjoy the rest of the holiday for you and your daughter.
Make nice memories with her.
Could you take any day trips to get away from him and leave him at the hotel?
I too would aim to get through the holiday.
Take it day by day.
You don't have to have an answer as to what you should do straight away.
It can wait until your home.
Maybe this is the best place to witness what he is capable of then you can truly make your mind up when you are home.
Is that possible?
I'm so sorry. Holidays are precious. Take care of you both xx
I would try and enjoy the rest of the holiday for you and your daughter.
Make nice memories with her.
Could you take any day trips to get away from him and leave him at the hotel?
I too would aim to get through the holiday.
Take it day by day.
You don't have to have an answer as to what you should do straight away.
It can wait until your home.
Maybe this is the best place to witness what he is capable of then you can truly make your mind up when you are home.
Is that possible?
I'm so sorry. Holidays are precious. Take care of you both xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
Messy--I've been there. It's a horrible way to spend a vacation--it's all stress for you, because you have to try to have a good time for your daughter. Ugh--the memories are not good.
I agree--try to do things with your daughter without him. As to the house--you are the only one who can say if you should go forward. Are you up for more times like this? I stayed, and my AH has always been a good wage earner and has worked consistently, so we've never had financial problems. But he's looking at retirement in a few years--not sure how that will change the dynamic.
My kids say they're glad I stayed, and they are successful adults, but I wonder--was it really for the best? What more could have been, for them and for me?
It's a hard life. I'll pray for you.
I agree--try to do things with your daughter without him. As to the house--you are the only one who can say if you should go forward. Are you up for more times like this? I stayed, and my AH has always been a good wage earner and has worked consistently, so we've never had financial problems. But he's looking at retirement in a few years--not sure how that will change the dynamic.
My kids say they're glad I stayed, and they are successful adults, but I wonder--was it really for the best? What more could have been, for them and for me?
It's a hard life. I'll pray for you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As it stands right now, you've been waking your 18 m/o at night when daddy's drinking so you don't have to be around it. Under the circumstances, do you think that buying a house together is the thing to do?
If it were me, I sure wouldn't want to make things that much harder for me if I did decide to divorce. Aren't things complicated enough already? You can always buy a house later, when and if he decides to get sober and start being a responsible adult.
If it were me, I sure wouldn't want to make things that much harder for me if I did decide to divorce. Aren't things complicated enough already? You can always buy a house later, when and if he decides to get sober and start being a responsible adult.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
My xa relapsed in Vegas and I packed and slipped out of our room and moved to another hotel. When I checked in they told me I had been upgraded to their best penthouse! 3 stories of the best whale space in town! I think it was karmic and a sign. Take your child and go on an adventure for the rest of your vacation and set boundaries... Not hanging around active a's is rule number 1. I'd get out of the house deal if you can too...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meegsy..if I am remembering correctly....you are mid-pregnancy, about now...?
If so, this kind of stress cannot be good for you or the baby. This is a special time when attention should be going to YOU and your care.
HE has a ton of help at his fingertips....he has been to rehab (I believe),,,he has the members of his AA group and his sponsor....and his church...all falling over them selves to help him.....
Someone has to think about you and your life and what you need.....don't you think?
You are worried about 4 people (counting the little sprout).....how many is he worried about?
I was just doing the math...lol....
dandylionf
dandylion
If so, this kind of stress cannot be good for you or the baby. This is a special time when attention should be going to YOU and your care.
HE has a ton of help at his fingertips....he has been to rehab (I believe),,,he has the members of his AA group and his sponsor....and his church...all falling over them selves to help him.....
Someone has to think about you and your life and what you need.....don't you think?
You are worried about 4 people (counting the little sprout).....how many is he worried about?
I was just doing the math...lol....
dandylionf
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'd get another room. he has made his choice - you deserve peace. I wouldn't trust him a second that he will stay sober the rest of the trip.
And I would also not buy the house. I'm so sorry ((((hugs))))
And I would also not buy the house. I'm so sorry ((((hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
Thks all. Unfortunately it's too late to get out of the house unless something falls thru on the mortgage app we would lose a substantial deposit. I tried to ignor him most of today and do what my daughter wanted. It's so hard watching someone u love so much struggle. Tonight he cried about how much he misses his mom. I asked him if his mom would be happy at his behavior. He said don't say that. Well it's true she would be so sad at what he's doing.
I am 18 wks pregnant and my daughter is 19 mos old. I keep praying I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll have my husband back. The amazingly loving man I married. I know it's not reality and I'm going to keep living this hell until he chooses to change. I know I can't do anything for him. Just pray and trust God will protect him.
I am 18 wks pregnant and my daughter is 19 mos old. I keep praying I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll have my husband back. The amazingly loving man I married. I know it's not reality and I'm going to keep living this hell until he chooses to change. I know I can't do anything for him. Just pray and trust God will protect him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by megsykreeg 
I know it's not reality and I'm going to keep living this hell until he chooses to change.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by megsykreeg
...Unfortunately it's too late to get out of the house unless something falls thru on the mortgage app we would lose a substantial deposit...
(o:
NoelleR
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with Noelle. It's way too easy to throw good money after bad in terms of losing a deposit. And the "good money" includes other things of value, such as your peace and emotional safety, and that of your kids.
I know you had this vacation planned for a while--you posted asking what we thought of an all-inclusive resort as a place for an alcoholic to vacation, and you mentioned the deposit, I believe. Given the way this vacation is going, do you sort of wish you'd forfeited the deposit and passed on the vacation for now? It doesn't sound like you're getting any rest or relaxation or even having much fun.
The vacation will be over in a few days. Buy a house, and if things go badly it will be months and months (at best) working out who will live there, whether it will be sold, selling it (if that's what's decided), attorneys' fees, etc. The house will complicate things further. It certainly won't "fix" anything in terms of his alcoholism or your relationship.
I'd give it some serious thought.
I know you had this vacation planned for a while--you posted asking what we thought of an all-inclusive resort as a place for an alcoholic to vacation, and you mentioned the deposit, I believe. Given the way this vacation is going, do you sort of wish you'd forfeited the deposit and passed on the vacation for now? It doesn't sound like you're getting any rest or relaxation or even having much fun.
The vacation will be over in a few days. Buy a house, and if things go badly it will be months and months (at best) working out who will live there, whether it will be sold, selling it (if that's what's decided), attorneys' fees, etc. The house will complicate things further. It certainly won't "fix" anything in terms of his alcoholism or your relationship.
I'd give it some serious thought.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meegsy.....there are some Celebrate Recovery groups in Tinton Falls Area.
I know that you both are very religious----so, I don't think he would object to your attending a program for "y our personal spiritual growth" (wink, wink) that is held in a house of God-- as much as he does that alanon idea.
I know that several people on this forum who have attended Celebrate Recovery have been very vocal in their praise of this family program....you can also take your daughter.
doesn't it make sense to have some support for yourself as you wait for your husband to decide to reach for recovery.....?
dandylion
I know that you both are very religious----so, I don't think he would object to your attending a program for "y our personal spiritual growth" (wink, wink) that is held in a house of God-- as much as he does that alanon idea.
I know that several people on this forum who have attended Celebrate Recovery have been very vocal in their praise of this family program....you can also take your daughter.
doesn't it make sense to have some support for yourself as you wait for your husband to decide to reach for recovery.....?
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have been a member and a leader in Celebrate Recovery. It's a wonderful program, and yes, you can take your child. I strongly encourage you to seek it out for support. If he is interested in getting help, that would be a good step for him also.
I agree with the others. You may lose a huge deposit on a house, but that's nothing compared to the entanglement of trying to get away from an alcoholic and being stuck with them b/c of finances. He may be a good bread winner for now, but at this rate, that is not likely to last for long.
Please do things to take care of you and your little. Many hugs to you.
I agree with the others. You may lose a huge deposit on a house, but that's nothing compared to the entanglement of trying to get away from an alcoholic and being stuck with them b/c of finances. He may be a good bread winner for now, but at this rate, that is not likely to last for long.
Please do things to take care of you and your little. Many hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Megsy... don't have anything else to add that hasn't already been said, but just ((((((HUGS))))))))
I've been there... vacatioing with my scary drunk H is definitely one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt like my children and I had been kidnapped and were being held hostage.
But it doesn't have to be that way. Please try to enjoy it as much as you can, for you and your little one. Get out and make some great memories of this vacation with her to outweigh the ugly ones. I know it's easier said than done, though....
Thinking of you
I've been there... vacatioing with my scary drunk H is definitely one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt like my children and I had been kidnapped and were being held hostage.
But it doesn't have to be that way. Please try to enjoy it as much as you can, for you and your little one. Get out and make some great memories of this vacation with her to outweigh the ugly ones. I know it's easier said than done, though....
Thinking of you
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I know it's not reality and I'm going to keep living this hell until he chooses to change. I know I can't do anything for him. Just pray and trust God will protect him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
The way I understand and have heard it is that you will end up losing A LOT more money in the long run being with an active alcoholic than you would perhaps lose from the deposit.
Just a thought on the financial side of things.
And of course as others have said there are things at stake that are worth more than any amount of money.
Just a thought on the financial side of things.
And of course as others have said there are things at stake that are worth more than any amount of money.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
Thks everyone. Seriously thinking about getting something set up to have him taken out of our condo when we get home. Not sure what steps to take. But while he sorts out his nonsense I can't be around him anymore and I don't want my daughter around him. I'm so tired of taking care of him. Anyone know of anywhere safe he can go to give us space? I can't be around hi while he sorts out this.
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