barelybreathing

I haven't posted much lately, but am here everyday reading, learning and hopefully progressing in my own recovery of loving and ultimately moving on without my xabf. I have been no contact for quite some time, he on the other hand refused to let me go. So with an RO in place, I have come to terms with my shattered life, dreams and have continued to work on me and what I need.

My best friend, who has been with me through my abusive relationship with my xabf, gently suggested I might be ready to date someone and she introduced me to this guy. We hit it off right away, it was easy and comfortable and have been seeing each other for a little over a month. I let him know that i am not ready for anything too heavy, would just like to be friends and start off really easy. Here's the problem, I have started to pick up on some "red flags" that are concerning to me. He has a very quick temper, seen this while driving, at the movies and at dinner. He calls me all the time, I mean literally 6-8 times a day to "check in", he called me yesterday morning at 7:15 am and I was still sleeping, so his call went to voice mail. I called him when I got up which was about 9 am and the first thing he did was yell at me for taking almost 2 hours to call him back. If I don't hold his hand or put my arm around him all the time, he gets defensive and angry. He has dismissed my opinions on several occasions and I have felt that "walking on eggshells" feeling more times than not.

I am really looking for some guidance from you all. Am I over reacting? Could I possibly be seeing these things because I am scared to move on? Am I right to be concerned about his behavior this early on? I have discussed his behavior with my best friend and she said she has never seen this behavior from him but admits she has never been in a relationship with him either. Any advice or thoughts you all can provide would be awesome. I have really come to value everyone's experience, opinion and advice on SR.

amp123

I'm not an expert but you may consider raising these points with him? Explain that, as you already said, you need to take things slowly and need to maintain some independence and distance at this stage. That his attitude confuses you but you wouldn't be with him if you didn't want to work on it?

That's my 10 cents worth! Just make sure you don't fall back into the patterns of an abusive relationship again...

fluffyflea

You aren't over reacting those are red flags.

daydreamer0217

oh no, you are right, there are red flags, get out. this guy has control issues that you do not need

HeartsAfire

Trust your gut & intuition. It's there for a reason & will protect you if you let it.

iGirl66

Amp123, I think your suggestion of talking it out is good, but with minor matters like leaving the toilet seat up. This man sounds needy, controlling and the anger issues could spell danger. These are HUGE red flags. Walk away now! It hasn't been that long, you will find love again.

MIRecovery

Major red flags. I would run far and fast

Refiner

Omg RUN!!! Temper and control issues at only a month? Yikes!!!!

Flavia2

These aren't flags, they are BANNERS. Please get out now!

amp123

Hahaha! True enough! There's toilet seat stuff and then there's dangerous territory. When in doubt, get out!

LexieCat

Add me to the list of people who think those are FLASHING warning lights.

That kind of control, possessiveness, and anger are classic signs of an abuser. I'm not necessarily saying he would hit you (though that is also typical), but he would make your life miserable with the constant need to check in with him, walking on eggshells, etc. Often these men are quite charming and fun when you aren't "stepping out of line," which is what hooks you in and can keep you stuck.

I'd walk away right now, if I were you.

Hawkeye13

This

I strongly suggest that you don't get further involved with person--if this is how he is after a month, who knows what he will be like if things got "serious".

I think if it were me, I'd say I'm uncomfortable with these temper / control issues, and that I'm just not ready to be in a relationship.

Some people might skip the first part of that to avoid conflict, so how much you disclose would be your judgement.

By the way, your "gut" instinct is giving you a good warning, so that is a very good radar to have. I think you should trust it.

maia1234

I don't think you are ready to move forward yet. I think you need some more time getting yourself in order.

In regards to him, I agree. He is not healthy after 1 month and trying to control you. Run and run fast, IMO!!

AnvilheadII

end it as soon as humanly possible. this is not a healthy person, quite the opposite, he's dangerous. and very much like your ex

honeypig

I'd agree w/those who say the red flags are real and not just in your head. He calls you 6-8 times a day? And is angry if you don't answer, or get back to him quickly enough? He dismisses your opinions? He requires you to show physical affection (hand holding, etc.) instead of waiting for you to offer it? And all of this only a month into a relationship?

Yikes. It sounds to me like he views you as a possession rather than a human being in your own right. And if he gets to call the shots on when you hold his hand or put your arm around him, how long until he gets to decide when/if you have sex w/him, regardless of your feelings?

Unless he views you as a competent, healthy adult who is entitled to her own thoughts and decisions, he is NOT the man for you. And from what you've said, I do not see any of that going on...

barelybreathing

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have been very concerned with his behavior and will not get into another relationship with someone like my ex. I just wasn't sure if I was seeing red flags that weren't really there, if that makes sense.

I know that I am not ready to move on in any romantic capacity, but i am open to friendship. I am still working on my recovery and will be for a long time. And the people that I choose to be around will be those who respect my boundaries and will not try to control me.

AnvilheadII

stick with GIRL friends for now. once you add in that Y chromosome, things get sticky.

velma929

IMHO someone this moody, needy and defensive isn't even friend material.

LexieCat

Yeah, I don't think friendship with someone like that is a good idea--assuming that it's even possible.

There are many nice people out there to be friends with, who won't suck your soul dry. And yes, consider making some really good female friends. My sponsor used to say, "The men in AA will pat you on the ass, but the women will SAVE your ass." I think that's true outside of AA, too.

Florence

Add me to the chorus of major red flags. Break it off, then leave this guy in the dust. This is all totally unacceptable behavior.