tuitui

I'm in the worst state right now. I fell briefly off the wagon with my drinking, so now I'm in withdrawal (just mild stuff... like it's 2am here and I'm wide, wide awake and full of anxiety).

I miss my boyfriend so much right now. I did some reading about codependency thanks to some advice on another thread and that is definitely me. He became my world. I think it goes both ways... we're so close and dependent on one another. But I'm way worse off than he is. He's also got ADHD and doesn't plan in advance for anything, so he calls me with like half an hour notice for EVERYTHING. And I drop everything and go along because I love spending time with him. It's ridiculous. I'm on call all the time. Recently I've been trying not to do that, but it hurts so much to be left out of things I really want to participate in based on principle. Plus then we fight, because he's got codependency issues too and he gets upset when I don't show up when he wants me to.

Like this weekend, the last weekend before he leaves the country and we break up, he goes on a trip and I can't come because there's no space in the car. The main motivation being wanting to do drugs. And then he calls me tonight and is just so sad and missing me and regretting his decision. I know this is childish to say but I just want to scream it's not fair!!

And I feel so much shame and self-loathing for my own alcoholism and how it's impacted our relationship. I swing back and forth between being furious and blaming everything on myself. We both have similar relationships to alcohol — we can do long stretches sober, but when we do drink we can't control it. But I'm way worse than he is. I've hidden my problem from him. He knows I like to drink too much. But he doesn't know that I drink secretly. Like when I'm off the wagon, I am drunk all the time. My physical addiction is so strong that I often have to drink just to not be going into intense, sweaty, shaky withdrawal an inappropriate times. I have to drink to hide my problem. It's ridiculous and disgusting. I truly hate myself right now.

So yeah. I'm furious at him. I'm furious at myself. I am filled with regret for so many reasons. And I'm probably not going to be able to sleep tonight, or really much at all for the next few weeks, and the person who is the center of my emotional life is leaving me. He's seriously a drug to me. He actually cures my insomnia. I can barely sleep at night on my own... too much anxiety... but when I'm holding him whatever love chemicals make me calm enough to lie there patiently, even if it takes an hour to fall asleep.

I have never felt so alone or scared. I barely have friends anymore... mine didn't like him (or us together, or me talking endlessly about our problems but not breaking up with him, or my awfulness when I relapse). I have acquaintances. I have a few friends long distance who I call and talk to. But I have to rebuild everything. I'm starting a new job, which is exciting but terrifying. And quitting both of my addictions at the same time (to say nothing of quitting smoking, which is less emotionally charged but hard as hell to do).

I just... I look at my life and I have absolutely no idea what it looks like from here. I have been so depressed for so long that I can barely picture myself happy and productive.

Sorry for ranting. I tend to write a LOT I'm noticing. I'm just so, so sad and scared. I'm so angry at myself for the decisions I've made and how they've lead me to this absolutely terrifying place.

redatlanta

Sounds like you have a lot going on. I am sorry that you have endured so much. I understand why this is painful for you.

What are you doing to assist you with recovery for your alcoholism? You would benefit greatly from some support would it be possible for you to go to an AA meeting today?

I see you have posted in newcomers to recovery section a couple of times. Getting help for your alcoholism is the most important thing - along the way it will give you the tools to deal with your ABF and the situation there.

I also suggest that you address your depression and insomnia with doctor. Sleep deprivation is only going to heighten your anxiety, depression and insomnia.

((((hugs))))

tuitui

Thank you for responding, I know I'm being crazy right now! Before relapsing, my main approach to maintaining sobriety was lots and lots of yoga. I'm also in therapy. I also started antidepressants a couple of months ago and before relapsing I was starting to really feel the effects.

I haven't found a group I like in the city. When things are going well for me, I can go really long periods of time without feeling vulnerable. AA meetings bring me down and then afterwards I have strong urges to drink, so I avoid them.

I need to have a better plan moving forward but I'm not sure what it is yet.

I'm just so afraid about what to do with this relationship. There's a chance he'll decide to stay in the city, and then I'll have to be really strong and not let him back in. And if he does go on this trip, when he comes back there's a big chance he'll want to get back together, because he's done it before. I have to stop letting him endanger my health. But it's so hard. I can't picture my life without him.

LexieCat

As an alcoholic with almost seven years of sobriety, I STRONGLY suggest that you take the focus OFF this relationship and put it ON your own recovery. AA certainly isn't the only way to recover, but what you say about the meetings bringing you "down" and making you want to drink suggests to me that you never really connected with people in the meetings.

Here's my own suggestion. If it doesn't work, you're certainly no worse off than you are right now. Try 90 meetings in 90 days. At every new meeting, get phone numbers of women in the group. Put a few women's only meetings into the mix. If you hear someone at a meeting who "has what you want"--who seems to be happy and well-balanced in her sober life--ask her to be your sponsor. If she can't, ask if she can suggest someone.

Seriously, it can change your life in amazing ways. If after 90 days you still feel the same way, then maybe something else is going on. But alcoholism is progressive, and if you don't get this addressed, your life is going to get predictably worse, regardless of which man you have in your life. And another alcoholic--one who is still drinking--is the worst possible choice for a relationship when you are still struggling with your own.

Flavia2

Did you set a boundary where you told him no more drugs/alcohol or you can't be with him? Taking care of yourself and your own recovery is your first step in the right direction. This puts YOUR health and YOUR needs in front of the relationship.
And everyone makes mistakes, so please stop hating on yourself.