beachygirl

I have hit my bottom and need help scraping what is left of me up off the floor. I went out of state last weekend to assist with an "intervention" for my exabf as he was ready for help for his meth addiction. His family placed him in a psych facility until plans could be made for rehab.

He was discharged yesterday, with good meds to clear his thoughts and was eager to go for a year long residential program. ...or so we thought. He asked me to send him some money to buy a cell to use so he wouldn't have to borrow his mom's until he left and he wouldn't have to bug her for cigs, etc. It seemed harmless enough. As soon as I did it I knew I shouldn't have. I realized he had already set up a new Facebook account (I had deactivated his) and contacted his meth using puddle ****. I told his mom of my error immediately as she was at work.

I do not know what happened when she came home, but I received a call from my "friend" telling me that I am dead to him and to never contact him again. There was a lot of screaming going on. This morning his mom texted me and said that he had made his choice and left during the night and she did not wish to speak to me.

I feel as if I am being blamed for his leaving. What his mom doesn't realize is that I am broken hearted too by being used and kicked to the curb, but now she thinks this is all my fault. I hate drugs and what they do to people. Can anyone please tell me how to reconcile this and forgive myself for loving and trusting this person, yet again? The best thing that could happen would be for me to be locked away on a ship to China, where there is no hope of contact with him, as he has always been my best friend. I don't want to believe I m dead to him.

I am so sad....

ladyscribbler

Sounds like he made his choice before you sent him the money and was just looking for a way to get drug money. You realized your mistake, you apologized. That's really all you can do. If you hadn't given him money, he would have gotten it somewhere, so maybe you saved a little old lady from getting mugged.
Sorry you experienced that. It sounds like he isn't in a position to be a true friend to anyone right now, and a real friend would not have used you the way he did.
As for his mom, she is dealing with her own emotions about this that have nothing to do with you. She might not want to talk to anybody right now.
This may be a blessing in disguise. A way for you to pull your focus away from him and his addiction and his family and to start healing yourself.
As bad as the bottom can be, it doesn't have to be forever. You can make better choices having had this painful experience.

beachygirl

Thank you Ladyscribbler. I just want to know how to move on from this horrific experience.

ladyscribbler

Alanon meetings helped me after the end of my relationship with an alcoholic. I'm also in therapy, taking a class on mindfulness (meditation) and just generally doing good self care.
I couldn't go fully no contact because we have a son, but I only speak with him about our son, nothing else.

zoso77

You move on by moving on.

Don't believe it's that easy? It can be, but it depends on your attitude and frame of mind going forward.

As LadyScribler pointed out to you, he's made his choices, and those choices have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. So now you have to do a post-game analysis: where did you make mistakes...why did you make those choices...what do you need to do going forward to be steady and sane...etc.

He's shown that he cannot be trusted. So believe what your eyes are telling you. Put him in your rearview mirror, put one foot in front of the other, and move on. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn, because you will, but you can do that at the same time you're moving on.

Keep us posted.

beachygirl

Thanks Zoso and Ladyscribbler. It is so difficult to make the heart and brain see the same thing. We know they are addicts...trained liars and manipulators, but we want to believe in them. Is that stupidity? self deception? Insanity? I feel as if I don't know what I am doing anymore.

I am very aware these are his choices, this is his illness, etc, but I miss my friend and my love for him clouds my judgement. It is also hard to mourn the living. Suggestions? I live in a very rural area with no meetings, but have been seeing a great therapist. We are working on me forgiving myself for believing his lies.

zoso77

You won't stop loving him any time soon, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, per se. But what you have to remember is any time he crosses your path, bad things are bound to happen. And that's what you always need to remind yourself. That's how you protect yourself. That's what will prevent you from doing something that is not in your best interests.

It's like seeing a rattlesnake on the side of the road, coiled up. If you stay far enough away from him, he's not going to strike. But if you get too close, he will, and while the venom may not kill you, it'll hurt enough to make you wish it did.

Vale

Sorry, Zoso...but this is GOLD and needs a repeat>>>>>>>>>>

It's like seeing a rattlesnake on the side of the road, coiled up.
If you stay far enough away from him, he's not going to strike.
But if you get too close, he will, and while the venom may not
kill you, it'll hurt enough to make you wish it did. >>>>>>>>>>>

beachygirl, we are so sorry you are hurting. Believe me when I say we
truly, truly understand the sadness that addiction inevitably brings.

But alluding to Zoso's passage.....the only decision that is OURS to make
is how many fang scars we want on our butts. A few or a lot.

It IS terribly hard to mourn the living, as we are not given the luxury of the
clear interface that is one of the most positive aspects of death. But I can
assure you with a clear heart that even given that clean interface---it would
still not be easy.

Forgive yourself for what? Being human? Did you really expect to leave
the birth canal with the wisdom of 80 years on day 1?

Making mistakes makes us human. It gives us wisdom that is earned, not
glommed on to.

Your heart is broken. Trust an old man when he says it will not be so
forever. Take out the trash and look up at the stars. There are 7 billion fish
out there-----and way more than a few hundred million who would die for the
chance to treat you like gold.

Up in the stars is where you will find them.........not in the trash!

beachygirl

Wow Vale...thank you. That was a very poignant way to put it. I also appreciate the analogy Zoso made to the rattlesnake. Ironically, my ex friend used to always tell me that I could see a rabid dog in carport, would go feed it, get bitten and then be angry. He would say I would come back in wash hand, wait a few minutes, feel bad for poor dog and go try to pet it again. Do some people not learn?

I questioned my sanity with a friend yesterday as to whether I still have logical reasoning? We figured out I do , but for some reason I have a very hard time applying it once my heart is involved. Does anyone else struggle with this? Thankfully he is 450 miles away. Guess I am not quick to love, but when I do it is without judgment and for life...and guaranteed to make me nuts. Help!

Vale

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I questioned my sanity with a friend yesterday as to whether I still have logical reasoning? We figured out I do , but for some reason I have a very hard time applying it once my heart is involved. Does anyone else struggle with this? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

All of humanity, beachygirl, all of humanity.

Ann

Beachygirl, in this post I deleted everything after the "but", the but is not serving you well. You grasp that this is an unhealthy relationship and not one that will end well...no but's about it.

I know it's hard and your heart will hurt, but please distract yourself with meetings or lunch with a friend or taking up a hobby you might enjoy or taking a course that interests you or joining a fun club like a beginners photography group that takes day trips to wonderful places and you learn how to capture the beauty that surrounds you....anything that makes you feel good and stops the obsession. You CAN do it, don't let the "buts" get in the way.

Good luck.

beachygirl

But always gets in the way. I was very active prior to this nightmare, and by the grace of God had just started an exercise class when the fallout began, 13 weeks ago. Class has now ended, but I feel as if I have mentally progressed zero steps. Yes, the internal pain, that doughnut hole of hurt has eased, but the psychological pain and now the grief and rhetorical questions I ask myself.

I know I am sane as I am functional in a high pressure job surrounded by people that have monitored my moods since this happened, but I just feel like I'm cracking up. I described it to my mother as dying from the inside out. I lost 29 lbs since End of March. It is like I became a zombie. Seriously, can anyone relate?

Nelly1

Oh beachy girl I can certainly relate. I have never felt so low and just down right awful about myself. My fiancé and I haven't spoken for a week... And by spoken I mean, he hasn't said one normal word. I haven't seen him in this time and I recieve nothing but horrible text messages telling me how awful of a person I am, how I ruined his life, how he's emotionally detached from me, he wishes he never met me, hopes I die, the verbal abuse is endless. I know He is just speaking from anger and his addiction but I still find myself questioning my sanity every second. I find myself completely okay one second, and staring at my engagement ring hysterically sobbing the next. I feel thoughts so low as "either please just take me god and end this misery" or ... Please let him get pulled over tonight and go to jail so I know he is safe and I can get a moments peace.....

beachygirl

Yep...I get it. I sat and stared at a bottle of Valium last night. I would never harm myself because I do have a spectacular life, and my death would devastate many, but I wanted the pain to stop. I am embarrassed to admit I even entertained the thought.

I also thought that if he is on this mission to let meth end his life I wish he would hurry up so I could mourn correctly. No one understands how I feel and my friends keep telling me he isn't worthy of my time. Perhaps not, but he once was...and I miss the hell out of him.

Nelly1

Yep that's the worst part; nobody wants to hear it. As soon as they hear "drug abuse" they write them off as a scumbag and tell you to move on or my favorite " better you know now before you have kids and a marriage" as if our years together and our engagement and planned wedding meant nothing and I should just get over it tomorrow, we've also lived together for three years.... I Wouldn't with going through this on my worst enemy.... But nobody truly understand your pain until they've loved a drug addict. A recovering addict who is a close family friend of mine told me that "some people in life hate the addicts, treat them like they should just die" and that's horrible to me, I love this person... Do I like him? No! But I certainly can't love him less because he found himself in a tough spot. . . I just dont know how to deal

beachygirl

I wish I had the magic words, but I would sure hug you and cry with you, because I get it and so wish I didn't. I agree that in some ways we may have dodged bullets, but my ex husband of 20 yrs starting showing signs of a mental illness at yr 17 and chose to use drugs to make it go away. Ha!
I would have hung on forever as I was still in love after all those yrs as he was a great dad and hubby. Problem was people don't understand addiction or MI and you can't "see" either of them really. I was essentially forced , by well meaning family and friends, to give up for the safety of me and our daughters.

I have learned an addict will do what an addict wants, with no regard for anyone else. No matter how much love there may be, the stealing will happen , the lying will happen and the hurt and blame will fall on you. I am so sorry you are feeling this Nelly. I hate drugs!

Vale

No magic words, Nelly1 or beachygirl. Just cyber friends who understand
much more than we would wish to. As you said, we wouldn't wish this on our
worst enemies.

It is a perennial subject around here. Drug addicts as worthless scum who
deserve nothing but hate and death.

Were that it was so simple. Alas, it is not. If an external enemy had caused
our countrymen and women so much pain and suffering, we would have
lobbed a few H-bombs at them a long time ago.......and taken great
pleasure in their being blasted to oblivion.

But....alas!......addiction provides us with no coordinates to aim at.
It is within the human soul itself.

Nelly, your years together, your engagement and your planned
wedding DID mean something, and don't you EVER let anyone tell
you it did not.

I, too, had no one (but SR) to share my sadness with. Anyone
in my world would laugh at my having ANYTHING to do with this person 37
social levels removed..........not to mention the wrong side of the river.

beachygirl, you should PM Nelly1. It helps to communicate with someone
with such a like situation. And no more staring at Valium. You feel like a zombie
because you haven't EATEN anything, you poor thing. If you want to stare at
something------stare at a goddamned cheeseburger. No cheeseburger I ever
stared at ever won the stare down!

This is a class A1 Vale SR command override instruction----
not to be disobeyed except under pain of consequences most severe:

Eat something. Talk it out with people who ARE understanding
----and no more pretending no one cares. The SR Gods brought this
site into being to prove just HOW WRONG you are in that assertion.

beachygirl

Vale...I think I love you! Kisses and hugs. And for the record...I am a few steps ahead of you as I had already messaged Nelly☺️.

SR. Has been a lifesaver as I have felt " heard" and understood. I wish we lived in a utopic society where no one suffered, but "that ain't gonna happen" so, thanks for caring and listening. I do not disobey!

CarmenLove

Yes,

My self esteem went down the toilet these past few months. Nelly said she has never felt so bad about herself. I can relate to that.

The past 8 months seem to have gone by in a blur.

Now I am healing and beginning to truly put energy back into my life.

I dropped a study course I was doing, when all this happened. And I have been kicking myself for that. However I just didn't have the capacity.

My business also suffered. I am a Business Coach and I have to be very positive and upbeat for my clients and to generate new business. It's been very challenging.

That being said, I have had the support of my family. Took a trip to France, and today I am going clothes shopping.

I have a plan for my career which I feel excited about.

Sometimes everything still feels pointless or hard, and the other night *I* drank too much alcohol, which isn't a good solution either. I know that.

Sometimes I just feel like such a loser.

However I am going to keep going.

This is MY LIFE and my life is worth fighting for.

I am saving me. I am putting all that energy I was using to try to save him onto me and making myself, my life and my self esteem better.

I start a diet and exercise plan tomorrow, and also have a job interview.

It's baby steps.

At first, when I first left my AXH it was all I could do to get through the day, and do the basics of my business.

Sending hugs.

CarmenLove

Oh. I can relate to this!

It's sad and also made me laugh too