He's sober and now...I think I want to leave
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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He's sober and now...I think I want to leave
I always thought that after my ABF got sober, things would improve in our relationship. And they have, don't get me wrong. He's been sober for a year, and regularly going to meetings. I'm proud of him for all the work he's done.
But it's like...now that he IS sober, I can think clearly about our future. Frankly speaking, I'm afraid to be with him in the long term, I think. I'm not sure I'm prepared for a lifetime of being with an alcoholic, even one in recovery. The thought of having children with him makes me nervous.
I've been wholly devoted to him for the past three years, but I recently met someone else, who is NOT an A. Not even close. I'm not saying this is a person I should be with, because clearly my feelings are all over the place right now. What I am saying, however, is that this person has made me realize how different things could be. I could be with someone who is as social as I am. I could be with someone who doesn't need to be drunk to dance with me at weddings. I could be with someone who doesn't have a temper.
Has this happened to anyone else? Things actually get better and suddenly you're all...no thank you?
But it's like...now that he IS sober, I can think clearly about our future. Frankly speaking, I'm afraid to be with him in the long term, I think. I'm not sure I'm prepared for a lifetime of being with an alcoholic, even one in recovery. The thought of having children with him makes me nervous.
I've been wholly devoted to him for the past three years, but I recently met someone else, who is NOT an A. Not even close. I'm not saying this is a person I should be with, because clearly my feelings are all over the place right now. What I am saying, however, is that this person has made me realize how different things could be. I could be with someone who is as social as I am. I could be with someone who doesn't need to be drunk to dance with me at weddings. I could be with someone who doesn't have a temper.
Has this happened to anyone else? Things actually get better and suddenly you're all...no thank you?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Hi! Sounds to me like now that the chaos has settled you are seeing some clarity to your relationship. That is SUPER and you should NOT feel guilty by doing so! Please please please listen to your feelings! You don't "owe" him a relationship bc he is now sober. He was supposed to do it for HIM not you, right? If you need to make the break just tell him about the clarity you now have and it's best for both of you to not share a future as a couple. Will he be mad and guilt you? Yes. Please listen to your gut. There's a saying around here... you can rip the bandaid of slowly or fast - either way it hurts for a bit.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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these.......technically, I don't qualify to answer your question, because I was never partnered with an alcoholic. (my qualifiers are genetically connected..lol).
I am going to take the liberty, however, because this is a subject which is dear to my heart.
I divorced the father of my 3 children because he was a narcissist. I realized that I could never be myself if I stay ed with him.
It all looked so "beautiful" to the outside world....but, I was dying inside.
D...Y...I...N...G..!!
That was a looong time ago....and, I have never doubted the wisdom of that decision. It was like coming from behind prison walls, for me.
I so believe that a fundamental human right that we are born with is to be able to be ourselves. If we can't do that....what is the point?
A relationship should nourish us and allow us to become better---more actualized people----not just to exist---not to just endure...
To thrive.
(I did go on, later, to find such a love).
dandylion
I am going to take the liberty, however, because this is a subject which is dear to my heart.
I divorced the father of my 3 children because he was a narcissist. I realized that I could never be myself if I stay ed with him.
It all looked so "beautiful" to the outside world....but, I was dying inside.
D...Y...I...N...G..!!
That was a looong time ago....and, I have never doubted the wisdom of that decision. It was like coming from behind prison walls, for me.
I so believe that a fundamental human right that we are born with is to be able to be ourselves. If we can't do that....what is the point?
A relationship should nourish us and allow us to become better---more actualized people----not just to exist---not to just endure...
To thrive.
(I did go on, later, to find such a love).
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
What refiner said. You don't owe him a relationship because he's in recovery. Your nervousness about having kids with him speaks volumes and IMO makes a lot of sense, having read about the horrors of growing up with an alcoholic parent.
The temper: this subject is my life, too, and it does not need to be related to alcohol. My dad had an awful temper and no qualms about venting it on us kids. That temper did so much damage to me I can't describe it. I married a man who also had a bad temper and unstable moods. My painful divorce was directly related to this.
Many years later, I'm with a wonderful, stable, responsible man who does not have the temper/black mood problem. Let me tell you, being freed from that is like night and day. I consider it a sign of growth in myself that I connected with this guy for my last partner and know I'm a very lucky woman.
In fairness, I should mention that although my mom hated my dad's temper she looks back on their life fondly and misses him, temper and all. He passed a few years ago.
Sorry to ramble, I see "bad temper" and my heart rate speeds up.
Best of luck to you.
The temper: this subject is my life, too, and it does not need to be related to alcohol. My dad had an awful temper and no qualms about venting it on us kids. That temper did so much damage to me I can't describe it. I married a man who also had a bad temper and unstable moods. My painful divorce was directly related to this.
Many years later, I'm with a wonderful, stable, responsible man who does not have the temper/black mood problem. Let me tell you, being freed from that is like night and day. I consider it a sign of growth in myself that I connected with this guy for my last partner and know I'm a very lucky woman.
In fairness, I should mention that although my mom hated my dad's temper she looks back on their life fondly and misses him, temper and all. He passed a few years ago.
Sorry to ramble, I see "bad temper" and my heart rate speeds up.
Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Theseitahakas,
I can relate. My AH is sober since October of last year.
Things are better, compared to how they were, but still many issues...
(I've gotten a lot of helpful advice on similar recent threads that Ive started, if you want to look back through them...)
He still has a bad temper too, still passive aggressively controlling and emotionally abusive, still blames....
You know, they say it takes an alcoholic brain 2 years (or something like that) to begin to start functioning normally again after the alcohol is removed... and I think it's the same for us. We lived for so long with so much chaos and drama, abuse. I think it takes us a while to get back to functioning normally too, and seeing things clearly.
I find myself fantasizing often about what it could be like without him... to not have to worry about his moods, about doing something or saying something to upset him. I know I don't have to stay with him, just because he's not drinking... but it's hard, because there are still some good times, and we have children.... Sometimes I wish he would just start drinking again so it would make it easier to follow through with separating (No, I know I don't really want this... but I still sometimes think it)
It sounds like you already know what the right decision is for you....
(((HUGS))) to you... I'm right there with you
I can relate. My AH is sober since October of last year.
Things are better, compared to how they were, but still many issues...
(I've gotten a lot of helpful advice on similar recent threads that Ive started, if you want to look back through them...)
He still has a bad temper too, still passive aggressively controlling and emotionally abusive, still blames....
You know, they say it takes an alcoholic brain 2 years (or something like that) to begin to start functioning normally again after the alcohol is removed... and I think it's the same for us. We lived for so long with so much chaos and drama, abuse. I think it takes us a while to get back to functioning normally too, and seeing things clearly.
I find myself fantasizing often about what it could be like without him... to not have to worry about his moods, about doing something or saying something to upset him. I know I don't have to stay with him, just because he's not drinking... but it's hard, because there are still some good times, and we have children.... Sometimes I wish he would just start drinking again so it would make it easier to follow through with separating (No, I know I don't really want this... but I still sometimes think it)
It sounds like you already know what the right decision is for you....
(((HUGS))) to you... I'm right there with you
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by theseithakas 
I'm afraid to be with him in the long term, I think. I'm not sure I'm prepared for a lifetime of being with an alcoholic, even one in recovery. The thought of having children with him makes me nervous.
You have no children.
Your eyes, mind and heart seem to be wandering.
Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side ?
Mountainmanbob
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Greetings!
I think you have every right to bow out.
I would caution, though...this other person...as much as you don't think it will go somewhere...it is MUCH easier to slip into a relationship with someone else than face singlehood and ourselves.
Which is not to say that this person couldn't be the greatest thing. But, it is much more likely that we will be our old-pattern selves and we will pick a new person that has a set of problems we are familiar with (even if we don't see them now).
So, just that. A word to the wise. The work is with you for a while. Even if the grass does look awfully green over there.
peace
I think you have every right to bow out.
I would caution, though...this other person...as much as you don't think it will go somewhere...it is MUCH easier to slip into a relationship with someone else than face singlehood and ourselves.
Which is not to say that this person couldn't be the greatest thing. But, it is much more likely that we will be our old-pattern selves and we will pick a new person that has a set of problems we are familiar with (even if we don't see them now).
So, just that. A word to the wise. The work is with you for a while. Even if the grass does look awfully green over there.
peace
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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i had what by all outside accounts a perfectly nice marriage to a pefectly nice man and we had a perfectly nice life. and it was killing me slowly. because as it turned out, that is not where "I" belonged and i was trying to live a life that was NOT mine. i spent years working on my plan to leave.
and then i met someone. and suddenly i could SEE what life might be like, if i let it. i could SEE opportunities and tomorrows i hadn't even dreamed of. and it wasn't that i suddenly wanted to leave just to be WITH HIM, i just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it WAS time to go. for me. finally. and so exactly 77 days later i DID leave and moved out on my own. and never looked back.
(i suppose in full disclosure i should say that the "someone" and i are still together after almost 13 years - even tho that was NOT the plan).
and then i met someone. and suddenly i could SEE what life might be like, if i let it. i could SEE opportunities and tomorrows i hadn't even dreamed of. and it wasn't that i suddenly wanted to leave just to be WITH HIM, i just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it WAS time to go. for me. finally. and so exactly 77 days later i DID leave and moved out on my own. and never looked back.
(i suppose in full disclosure i should say that the "someone" and i are still together after almost 13 years - even tho that was NOT the plan).
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I totally get what you are experiencing. My ex didn't seek recovery, but I was SO done dealing with the uncertainties, the what ifs, that I knew there was no way I wanted to continue the relationship, even if he DID seek recovery.
Just be careful though that you're not thinking this way about your bf now because of the lack of drama that his recovery has brought. I think some people become addicted to the craziness of living with an addict or someone who is needy in other ways. It certainly doesn't sound like this is the case with you, but I've seen this type of pattern play out with so many posters here that it need to be said.
Just be careful though that you're not thinking this way about your bf now because of the lack of drama that his recovery has brought. I think some people become addicted to the craziness of living with an addict or someone who is needy in other ways. It certainly doesn't sound like this is the case with you, but I've seen this type of pattern play out with so many posters here that it need to be said.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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This has been a topic in the past around these parts, and I think it is such an important one. So many of us are programmed to feel so much guilt and shame after years in these toxic relationships (see Honeypig's Language of Letting Go post from today--June 5). Nobody wants to be a cheater, or betray a relationship partner, especially when many of us know how that feels. And we always MUST proceed with caution, because our relationship radars are so out of whack, even far into recovery. But I also FIRMLY believe that exposure to healthy, well-adjusted people is an important part of recovery, and that it's a good thing to get an idea of the kinds of things we are missing in our own relationship. Many of us are so isolated, and we have forgotten (or never known) what healthy friendships, work relationships, and romantic relationships feel like.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Sometimes I think I married my first husband for the reasons you're talking about--I was devoted, he got sober, I was so proud of him, and he really IS a wonderful guy. But as the years went on, it continued to feel less and less "right" and we divorced after about 14 years of a mostly good marriage. Not a great one. My heart wasn't there--at least not in "that way." I felt horribly guilty leaving him.
Thankfully, we have remained very good friends. We have two great kids. So I can't say I regret the marriage. Still, if I had it to do over again, I'm not sure it was fair to either one of us to stick with him when my heart wasn't entirely in it.
Good luck, and if you decide to leave him then do your best to be kind and fair. And he can still have a terrific life ahead of him if he sticks with his recovery.
Thankfully, we have remained very good friends. We have two great kids. So I can't say I regret the marriage. Still, if I had it to do over again, I'm not sure it was fair to either one of us to stick with him when my heart wasn't entirely in it.
Good luck, and if you decide to leave him then do your best to be kind and fair. And he can still have a terrific life ahead of him if he sticks with his recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
Thank you all...I really appreciate all of your kind words, thoughts, and wisdom. I will keep you updated (if you're interested) as I try to get a grip on what comes next. I'd like to be more active here if possible.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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theseithakas, I don't know if I have anything new to offer but will chime in just as another voice, I guess....
My A is approaching 2 years sober, so far as I know. Last fall after a big blowup, I spent a month really looking hard at what had changed (or not) about him, about me and about our marriage. The answer at that time was "not enough", and I filed for divorce. In the interim between filing and the court date, we worked some things out and ended up legally separating rather than divorcing.
We still live together, partly for financial reasons and partly b/c we aren't totally ready to split up yet, I guess. I am indeed seeing changes in him lately, and now I'm dealing w/my own fears, knowing what I now know about alcoholism. Can I live w/the knowledge that relapse could happen at any time? The separation has protected me financially, and the house is now in my name alone, but how much emotional exposure do I want to risk?
I know I've learned a lot and have begun to change into a much better, more responsible and healthy person (with a long way to go!). I feel I am seeing the same in him in recent months. BUT--he fooled me for so long, lied to me so well about so many things. There is a lot of wreckage to clear up. So I keep my eyes open and my heart guarded, and I re-read old posts every so often to keep my perspective. I'm still not positive what direction things will ultimately go.
In your shoes, as a young woman in a relationship of 3 years, I think you are smart to realize that you are not where you want to be and don't see a future in staying there. As others have said, you do not owe him anything b/c he is sober. Your only responsibility is to you right now.
My A is approaching 2 years sober, so far as I know. Last fall after a big blowup, I spent a month really looking hard at what had changed (or not) about him, about me and about our marriage. The answer at that time was "not enough", and I filed for divorce. In the interim between filing and the court date, we worked some things out and ended up legally separating rather than divorcing.
We still live together, partly for financial reasons and partly b/c we aren't totally ready to split up yet, I guess. I am indeed seeing changes in him lately, and now I'm dealing w/my own fears, knowing what I now know about alcoholism. Can I live w/the knowledge that relapse could happen at any time? The separation has protected me financially, and the house is now in my name alone, but how much emotional exposure do I want to risk?
I know I've learned a lot and have begun to change into a much better, more responsible and healthy person (with a long way to go!). I feel I am seeing the same in him in recent months. BUT--he fooled me for so long, lied to me so well about so many things. There is a lot of wreckage to clear up. So I keep my eyes open and my heart guarded, and I re-read old posts every so often to keep my perspective. I'm still not positive what direction things will ultimately go.
In your shoes, as a young woman in a relationship of 3 years, I think you are smart to realize that you are not where you want to be and don't see a future in staying there. As others have said, you do not owe him anything b/c he is sober. Your only responsibility is to you right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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I also wanted to post this for you--it's a reply from a member here in the thread I started the night of the big blowup I mentioned above, and I thought you might find it helpful too:
Forgive me if I'm talking out of turn but... it sounds a bit like this:
"I wanted him to get sober and now that he's sober I don't know if I have the right to leave him because he did everything I asked him and I'm still not happy. Maybe he's right, maybe I am the problem after all."
So here's my response to that: You only have this one life. You have every right to live it the way you feel is most conducive to you being content, joyful, and happy. My sponsor, back when I was still married to an active A and kept saying "if only he'd stop drinking", gave me this analogy:
You buy a new sweater. Then you're out and someone spills red wine on it. Your sweater is ruined and you are upset. You think "if only I could get the stain out." So you pour salt on it and stain remover and throw it in the washer. The stain comes out, but the sweater has changed shape in the washer, and it doesn't feel like the same sweater you tossed in there.
She said rehab is like that. You walk in one side, and the person who comes out the other side is a different person. Not just a different person than the addict who walked in, but a different person than the person they were before the addiction grabbed hold of them. That's why sometimes people who go to rehab come home and stay for a while and leave. That's why sometimes people whose loved one goes to rehab stay for a while after they get out and then leave.
And that's OK.
So I'm passing that message on to you. You are not living with the same man you married. Or the same man who went to rehab. And honestly? Even if you were, you are not the same person. And it's OK. It's painful and scary but it's OK.
Forgive me if I'm talking out of turn but... it sounds a bit like this:
"I wanted him to get sober and now that he's sober I don't know if I have the right to leave him because he did everything I asked him and I'm still not happy. Maybe he's right, maybe I am the problem after all."
So here's my response to that: You only have this one life. You have every right to live it the way you feel is most conducive to you being content, joyful, and happy. My sponsor, back when I was still married to an active A and kept saying "if only he'd stop drinking", gave me this analogy:
You buy a new sweater. Then you're out and someone spills red wine on it. Your sweater is ruined and you are upset. You think "if only I could get the stain out." So you pour salt on it and stain remover and throw it in the washer. The stain comes out, but the sweater has changed shape in the washer, and it doesn't feel like the same sweater you tossed in there.
She said rehab is like that. You walk in one side, and the person who comes out the other side is a different person. Not just a different person than the addict who walked in, but a different person than the person they were before the addiction grabbed hold of them. That's why sometimes people who go to rehab come home and stay for a while and leave. That's why sometimes people whose loved one goes to rehab stay for a while after they get out and then leave.
And that's OK.
So I'm passing that message on to you. You are not living with the same man you married. Or the same man who went to rehab. And honestly? Even if you were, you are not the same person. And it's OK. It's painful and scary but it's OK.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Thank you for posting this. I find it oddly comforting. I'm so afraid that I'm making the wrong decision... that I should stick with my A. That we're going to split up and he's going to get sober (he's going in that direction... he does understand that it's a big problem even if he hasn't decided fully not to drink). And then he's going to be the amazing person I always thought he could be, and go marry some other girl who'll get the good version. But realistically I know the alcohol is only part of the problem.
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I sincerely hope you don't end up staying in a relationship because you feel you owe it to him. Compatibility, friendship, common interest and common goals are key to a long term happy situation. Dealing with someone's explosive temper is life sucking. No you are certainly not the first to decide after the fact that the relationship is not for them.
Staying when you are discontent not only makes you suffer it makes him suffer.
Staying when you are discontent not only makes you suffer it makes him suffer.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Staying when you are discontent not only makes you suffer it makes him suffer.
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