Trying to let go of my addict ex boyfriend
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
Trying to let go of my addict ex boyfriend
Hello all,
I have been reading these threads and posts for months now. I finally created a profile today.
My story is similar to many on here who are loved ones of addicts. My ex boyfriend and I had such a wonderful relationship in the beginning. Then I found out he has an opiate addiction and has been battling it for many years. These last few months have been one of the worst times of my entire life. He constantly pushes me away and isolates himself, which is one of the reasons why we broke up. When he isolates, he'll go weeks without seeing me or even returning my texts or calls. Then he'll contact me out of the blue and want to pick up where we left off, like nothing happened. He'll even say things to me like "We never broke up. I never left you." Really? What else would you call not speaking to me for 2 months? My birthday was during one of his "isolation periods" and he didn't even contact me to say happy birthday. But we never broke up? Right, ok.
It is the most confusing thing I have ever witnessed. I have so many unanswered questions. Since he has been addicted for many years, I can't help but wonder if he ever really loved me like he claims he does, or if it was "just the drugs talking." I wonder if he has any moments of clarity and feels guilty or remorseful about what he has put me through, and how much he has hurt me. I know nothing about opiates, percocets, or drug addiction. The only thing I know for sure is that I hurt every day now. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am in the process of finding a good therapist who specializes in addictions and co-dependency. I need the help badly, I am in over my head and obviously can't get through this on my own. The whole situation is literally driving me mad. I know I deserve better than this.
I texted my ex this morning and told him that I can't do this anymore. I have no idea what goes on in his head that makes him think he can unilaterally decide when he wants to be in a relationship with me, depending on how he feels that particular day, or where he's at in his latest "recovery attempt." I am not a revolving door... he doesn't get to walk away whenever he wants and come back whenever he wants. I have done everything I can to be there for him and support him with whatever he has needed. And all I've gotten in return is heartache. I told him this morning to stay away from me and leave me alone, so that I can heal and move on from this. Then I blocked his cell phone number, his email address, Facebook, Instagram... so he can't contact me again. I am hoping that I'll find the strength to stick to my guns this time with the No Contact.
Thank you all for letting me vent. Please tell me that this will get easier, and that someday soon I will start to feel better.
I have been reading these threads and posts for months now. I finally created a profile today.
My story is similar to many on here who are loved ones of addicts. My ex boyfriend and I had such a wonderful relationship in the beginning. Then I found out he has an opiate addiction and has been battling it for many years. These last few months have been one of the worst times of my entire life. He constantly pushes me away and isolates himself, which is one of the reasons why we broke up. When he isolates, he'll go weeks without seeing me or even returning my texts or calls. Then he'll contact me out of the blue and want to pick up where we left off, like nothing happened. He'll even say things to me like "We never broke up. I never left you." Really? What else would you call not speaking to me for 2 months? My birthday was during one of his "isolation periods" and he didn't even contact me to say happy birthday. But we never broke up? Right, ok.
It is the most confusing thing I have ever witnessed. I have so many unanswered questions. Since he has been addicted for many years, I can't help but wonder if he ever really loved me like he claims he does, or if it was "just the drugs talking." I wonder if he has any moments of clarity and feels guilty or remorseful about what he has put me through, and how much he has hurt me. I know nothing about opiates, percocets, or drug addiction. The only thing I know for sure is that I hurt every day now. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am in the process of finding a good therapist who specializes in addictions and co-dependency. I need the help badly, I am in over my head and obviously can't get through this on my own. The whole situation is literally driving me mad. I know I deserve better than this.
I texted my ex this morning and told him that I can't do this anymore. I have no idea what goes on in his head that makes him think he can unilaterally decide when he wants to be in a relationship with me, depending on how he feels that particular day, or where he's at in his latest "recovery attempt." I am not a revolving door... he doesn't get to walk away whenever he wants and come back whenever he wants. I have done everything I can to be there for him and support him with whatever he has needed. And all I've gotten in return is heartache. I told him this morning to stay away from me and leave me alone, so that I can heal and move on from this. Then I blocked his cell phone number, his email address, Facebook, Instagram... so he can't contact me again. I am hoping that I'll find the strength to stick to my guns this time with the No Contact.
Thank you all for letting me vent. Please tell me that this will get easier, and that someday soon I will start to feel better.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 88
Im so sorry for what your going through. I can relate, I just recently ended a 3 year relationship with my fiancé due to percocet. His addiction haunts him and has caused so much hurt and pain to so many people who love him. I can tell you that you have made a positive step by coming to this website, I just joined yesterday after finally getting the guts to do so and just joining and telling my story proved that I am getting stronger
By now; although you haven't said I'm sure you know the signs of his opiate addiction; I know my fiancé (who was smoking pills) would leave signs all over the place ... Tin foil, broken pens, would have scratch marks all over his body from the itchy side effects of the pills, and Would get a raspy irritated voice. His patience didn't exist, he was no longer the kind man I knew, I had to literally walk on eggshells and basically "shut up" in order to avoid yet another pointless ongoing argument.
I haven't spoken to him in two days, and I have finally blocked him on all accounts and on my iPhone. I know you have said you've done the same and you will more than likely give in and unblock him in hopes of any glimmer of him changing and wanting to be a good partner to you..... This is okay! You are allowed to do these things, I have countless times and until you reach the end of your rope and realize that "nothing changes if nothing chsnges" you will continue to give your all.
I have... I have given my all and still hold on to feelings of him changing, even though in my heart I knownim fighting a losing battle.
I am here to let you know that despite all of this, the sadness, the pain, the anger and feelings of complete confusion.... We will survive. Because if we love these men so much and so forgivingly - we are good, kind humans and we can give that same love to ourselves. No one in this world deserves your love and respect as much as you do! Remember that!
Big hugs to you. I am with you!
By now; although you haven't said I'm sure you know the signs of his opiate addiction; I know my fiancé (who was smoking pills) would leave signs all over the place ... Tin foil, broken pens, would have scratch marks all over his body from the itchy side effects of the pills, and Would get a raspy irritated voice. His patience didn't exist, he was no longer the kind man I knew, I had to literally walk on eggshells and basically "shut up" in order to avoid yet another pointless ongoing argument.
I haven't spoken to him in two days, and I have finally blocked him on all accounts and on my iPhone. I know you have said you've done the same and you will more than likely give in and unblock him in hopes of any glimmer of him changing and wanting to be a good partner to you..... This is okay! You are allowed to do these things, I have countless times and until you reach the end of your rope and realize that "nothing changes if nothing chsnges" you will continue to give your all.
I have... I have given my all and still hold on to feelings of him changing, even though in my heart I knownim fighting a losing battle.
I am here to let you know that despite all of this, the sadness, the pain, the anger and feelings of complete confusion.... We will survive. Because if we love these men so much and so forgivingly - we are good, kind humans and we can give that same love to ourselves. No one in this world deserves your love and respect as much as you do! Remember that!
Big hugs to you. I am with you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
Nelly1, we were just replying to each other at the same time! I just joined today 
Thank you for your reply and your kind words. How is it that we can do this for other people, but have such a hard time doing it for ourselves??
Thank you for your reply and your kind words. How is it that we can do this for other people, but have such a hard time doing it for ourselves??
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by Gettngstronger1 
I am in over my head and obviously can't get through this on my own.
Navigating this without help from others would be frustrating. It is so awesome that you have a grip on that reality at this "early" stage. Good luck to you
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Gettngstronger1
Nelly1, we were just replying to each other at the same time! I just joined today Thank you for your reply and your kind words. How is it that we can do this for other people, but have such a hard time doing it for ourselves??
Thank you for your reply and your kind words. How is it that we can do this for other people, but have such a hard time doing it for ourselves??
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 43
You are not alone at all. This is exactly what I went through. I am now amEd at how I have let him come in and out of my life for so many times. If counting shorter duration disappear I had experienced such abrupt stop of a relationship at least 200 times over a 4 year span. Funny thing is the last time he did this again it was after he got out of a long term rehab and I finally had had enough and exploded and told him to never contact me again. I later learned he got himself into a relationship with an ex. So see for the addict, there was never a clean cut end of a relationship. Even though he was such a gentleman when he pursued me it was always about him and it always revolved around him. I noticed red flags but wanted them to be wrong so much that I allowed myself to be stuck emotionally. Long term relationship intimate one with someone who has addiction is pain and hurtful and not for everyone. My addict went back to an ex girlfriend who was also an addict and they now support each other in recovery. Objectively I think this is a good outcome for addicts. It's too hard for people who has no background in drugs. And it really does take two people to make a relationship work and it's difficult if not impossible for a person without drug addiction to share a life with another one whose priority in life is a recovery community. Cut your loss and choose to be happy. Even if you stay it won't last long if it's miserable and torture for both of you. Ev,entually one will want to leave unless you have shared goal and are really committed to each other.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Welcome to SR!
I highly recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is one of the landmark books in codependency. She has some good entry level overview of boundaries.
I have boundary issues. I still tend to over or under do them in my life, but at least I now have SOME!
I highly recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is one of the landmark books in codependency. She has some good entry level overview of boundaries.
I have boundary issues. I still tend to over or under do them in my life, but at least I now have SOME!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
I read Codependent No More. I unblocked my ex's cell phone number today, for all of about a minute and a half. I thought of something else I needed to say to him and get off my chest. So I did that, and then I immediately blocked him again. LOL!
I feel better today than I did yesterday. It still comes in waves, as I suspect it will for some time. I called a counseling center this afternoon that I found online, who advertised that they specialize in addictions, recovery, co-dependency, and anxiety. I left a voice mail message but they didn't call me back. I really need to get in and speak with a professional ASAP. I feel like my head is going to explode if I don't get out what I need to say. I have no one to talk to about this. None of my friends have ever been through it. I've tried to bring it up to a couple of close friends, but they just don't get it at all. Not that I fault them for that, people can't possibly understand it unless they've been through it themselves. I discovered that the hard way. A year ago, I wouldn't have had a clue either. I wish I could go back to those days. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
I feel better today than I did yesterday. It still comes in waves, as I suspect it will for some time. I called a counseling center this afternoon that I found online, who advertised that they specialize in addictions, recovery, co-dependency, and anxiety. I left a voice mail message but they didn't call me back. I really need to get in and speak with a professional ASAP. I feel like my head is going to explode if I don't get out what I need to say. I have no one to talk to about this. None of my friends have ever been through it. I've tried to bring it up to a couple of close friends, but they just don't get it at all. Not that I fault them for that, people can't possibly understand it unless they've been through it themselves. I discovered that the hard way. A year ago, I wouldn't have had a clue either. I wish I could go back to those days. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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