Vent warning: Hey, NY! Where's my rehab?!

Old 06-04-2015, 08:19 AM
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Vent warning: Hey, NY! Where's my rehab?!

it's often been said that we who love addicts become as sick, if not more so than they are. I don't totally agree with that in all cases, but what is true is that we become exhausted, drained of mental, physical and emotional energy. The addicts leave behind a trail of destruction no matter if it's financial or emotional.

We remain. We have the houses, the kids, the jobs, the bills. We are handed the bs "family" counseling that doesn't have a thing to do with anyone in the family but the addict. And once their head is "clear" they will walk away because we were just part of the old life that they don't want to be reminded of or they will stick around while we wait longer maybe to never have a partner capable of a real relationship.

I would love to spend the next three days in bed like my ex used to do when he needed a break or just couldn't deal with people. I'd love to have everything paid for almost a dam year while I worked on my "sobriety". I would go to meetings, get fed and get a new job so that I didn't have to deal with food. He can never go back to restaurants because they have bars, yet I take my ED into a kitchen everyday. It sucks!!!! Maybe I could meet a nice guy recovering from an ED! Isn't that how's it's supposed to work? Only he could "really" understand me? Then I'll just come home with my new guy and dump everyone who was there for me and act really sanctimonious about my new spirituality. And you'd better be happy for me and not point out any thing that is obviously bat crap crazy or expect me to think of anything that you might need because MY (oh, hell fill in the blank) comes first or you're just a crazy Codie! Just get over it!!

But. Alas. Society does not recognize our disease might warrant intense in house support. Maybe if it did, this group would be much smaller. We must heal, while we deal. That is our lot. The sad part is, we are the strong ones.
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Old 06-04-2015, 09:01 AM
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Well, I did become as sick as my RAH during the height of "our" insanity. Regardless of what he did or didn't do, I always had the ability to create change. I was too often caught up in the day-to-day aspects of it all & never taking enough distance to see the bigger picture.

I've always found it funny that while addicts often shy away from rehab most of us Codies would sign up in a heartbeat, diving into therapy grateful to be free of the distractions that often impede the process of recovery. One of life's great ironies, eh?

Sooooooo.... my gently-asked-with-love-question-for-you is this: I'm reading a lot of resentments in your posts most of the time, which is totally understandable. Are you actively working through them? You seem so focused on him but I don't hear a lot about YOU. How is YOUR recovery going? What breakthroughs are you making or where are you feeling stuck? (Obviously, I realize that there may be way more going on than what you've chosen to share here with us at SR.)

When you start lumping all alcoholics together like this:

And once their head is "clear" they will walk away because we were just part of the old life that they don't want to be reminded of or they will stick around while we wait longer maybe to never have a partner capable of a real relationship.
I hear a lot of anger. And, for the record, it's not true for EVERY addict which I am sure you can see just from the shares here at in this forum by many of our double winners. Just like I hate seeing us "Codies" or F&F members all lumped together in a definition, it makes my skin crawl to hear our qualifiers get the same treatment. There are definite similarities in addiction, a certain predictability to the progression of the disease but rarely does an absolute "always" or "never" apply to the individual.

I really do mean this in a supportive way, I hope my observations don't offend you!
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Old 06-04-2015, 09:56 AM
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I'm working steadily. Im just having one of those days. I am a touch resentful, though trust me I've let go of much of it. I resent the fact that we don't have the option of retreat. I resent that when the so called counsellors want to help family it's never about the family.. I resent this so called spirituality that just lets them move on guilt free with no more explination than its time to move on. His higher power signs off on some serious bs that's for sure! I hate the inherent self absorbed selfishness of addiction and early recovery that can both be summed up as "hey, support system! Go to hell, I'm doing what I want and need to for me and that's all that counts".

That said, I do a lot of work on myself. I refuse to be a bitter Betty, but I'm not going to blow this off because he's better and that's all the really matters. Believe it or not I wish him well and actually feel a little sorry for new girl though she's no stable mable either. I resent the ass off of his mother who is no more than a puppet roping in girls with this sick syrup as long as her sick sons are happy and being completely non communicative when the girls are gone. I am scared to death for my friend J who has broken out in hives she's so stressed with this family and now they are pushing new girl on her to be besties so she won't be around me so much! After all "they are going to be sisters!" And the ex is not comfortable with me being friends with her so says enabling mom. It's allllll about them!

I am working on myself daily and I am angry that I let myself get involved with these sick horrible people. I am angry that I come home alone and hate it, but am way too hurt still to consider letting anyone back through the door. Not so the great rehab wonders! 5 months locked up with a flipping junkie girl and you can be healed and sane enough to plan a family! I. Just. Can't. What sweet oblivion insanity must be some days.

I would tell him this, he's the one that needs to hear this not you guys, though I'm grateful for the feed back and I never take it wrong. but what would be the point of even attempting to tell him. I'd get no answer. Not even the most basic reply. I only would ever hear from him if he needed something and he doesn't now. He still has a "hard time with uncomfortable situations." Well who doesn't?! Like I said. Don't mind me, just one of those days
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Old 06-04-2015, 10:28 AM
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We can take retreats. I just took a retreat. A long weekend (5-days) at Kripalu Yoga Center in the Berkshires of Massachusetts. It was expensive, but probably less expensive -- and much more pleasant -- than rehab. Yoga, massage, good healthy food, hikes in the area, I feel wonderful now!

I took some flak about doing this -- parents and new partner both thought I was wasting my money, partner was mad that I didn't want to spend the weekend going away with him. But tough patooties, you know? I work hard, and take my responsibilities in life seriously. So sometimes I need time to myself, and a little pampering.

We codies tend to think we're indispensible at home, in our families and in our jobs, which leaves us feeling trapped by our responsibilities. I spent a long time in that trap.

But I've come to realize that I deserve a retreat with some pampering once in a while, regardless of whether anyone else gets upset. You deserve a retreat and some pampering too. Think of some way to get it. Your ex and his family do not sound like pleasant people, and focusing on their shortcomings isn't healthy. They are who they are and they are not going to change.

But reserving 3 nights in a hotel in a walkable city with culture and restaurants is a wonderful retreat, and a good way to move on. I used my frequent flyer miles to go to London by myself for 5 nights last year. Stayed in a cheaper hotel in the off-season and ate take out most of the time, so the whole trip ended up costing less than $1000. It was wonderful. So is camping somewhere by the ocean if you don't have a ton of money. I did this last year too -- 5 nights on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State.

The main thing is to find some way to treat yourself, and then don't let anything get in the way of your doing it!
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Old 06-04-2015, 10:41 AM
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You are the second person to say the name Kripalu to me in as many weeks! I just was talking to a lady I know who went and said that's where I need to go. That or Omega in Rhinebeck, ny. Will be looking it up today.

The thing with the family if they are nice to be around. Sweet, kind, generous. . .as long as they need you. Mom needs a go between for her sons and someone to take care of them. New girl has money and a good job. My friend J the same. IF however the better deal comes along, you're out. I am grateful I'm out. J is grateful that she sees how I'm treated and is protecting herself a bit more.

But back to me.,I have to form my own rehab plan. I am setting a goal for September. I have to save up. Thanks!
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Old 06-04-2015, 10:51 AM
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I totally get it. Resentments have a strange way (for me, anyway) of bubbling back up when I thought I'd already gotten past an issue. It brings me to anger pretty quickly when that happens - but not the *good* kind of anger that you can use as fuel to create change. Nah, I'm talking about the shallow kind that makes me speak before I think & is a lot more sound & fury than it is anything of substance. I despise that feeling! I almost always end up hurting myself more instead of solving or healing anything.

A couple perspectives for you, if you want them?

I resent this so called spirituality that just lets them move on guilt free with no more explination than its time to move on.
You're making assumptions about if/how much guilt he's feeling. You can't KNOW what he's thinking or feeling unless he's actually verbalizing it to you. My RAH has massive guilt over many of his mistakes but I couldn't see that for a long time because he had too much shame to actually talk about it & his actions didn't tell me what he was feeling emotionally. I wrongly assumed he had no guilt just because I didn't see evidence of it.

"hey, support system! Go to hell, I'm doing what I want and need to for me and that's all that counts".
While I definitely had to deal with the realities of life like you mentioned in your OP (kid, bills, work), I still adopted this kind of attitude when it came to my recovery. I HAD to shut the world out & start letting it back in piece by piece over many months as I took shaky baby steps through this process. It definitely did not go over well with many members of my FOO who perceived me as extremely self centered.

Look, his mom, his new girl, your friend J - nothing you can do about any of it. They are who they are, they'll keep doing the things they do until they decide to change. Your friend has to decide she wants off the merry-go-round for herself & watching you go through all of this has to make a much bigger impact than anything you could express through words. She can choose to not break out in hives, ya know?

he's the one that needs to hear this not you guys
I disagree, there's no reason he needs to hear any of it. It won't change anything. Keep venting here, we understand what you're going through!

I love the idea of a retreat! I've looked into it but I just haven't been able to swing it yet financially.
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Old 06-04-2015, 03:29 PM
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I am angry that I let myself get involved with these sick horrible people. I am angry that I come home alone and hate it,
This really struck a chord with me.

For some reason, all of my adult life I could shrug that anger at myself right off, but just STAY angry at ABF and exes - forever, really. For how unfairly I was treated, for lies, for injustice, on and on. That anger at myself had manifested in to an almost hatred through the years at partners for "things they've done to me."

Thanks to recovery (books upon books, Alanon, SR, counseling, wise words from recoverees) I am finally TRULY focusing on me.

Now I see.

ALL that was really for me. ALL the evil, hateful animosity and contempt. It was really from myself, to myself, and seriously misdirected at others. I am smart, funny, kind, loving, and funny smart me made some honestly horrible choices in partners (probably really not that bad of men, just really wrong for me.) That's all.

Those choices have led me to a place I never planned on for my perfect life - dreams gone, time wasted, money and property lost, needless pain, and bringing "unworthy" people into my amazing family that could so easily remove themselves from it. That makes me so angry.

Now, I see that I'm so hateful of me. I always thought I was great - egotistical and a hair cocky, but now it's clear it is actually quite the opposite. Critical, unforgiving, and even hateful of myself for my choices, and for my lack of action. I really can't win with me. Blaming them was much easier than coming to this realization - for a looong time.

You seem somewhat the same, and much of your anger still seems directed at your ex. Understandably - pain friggin sucks, and yeah, he's a Dbag. But, you did this. You - an intelligent, funny, clever, kind, genuine and VERY strong woman.

You kick ass. You will learn from this - look at all you HAVE learned from this! You DESERVE to forgive yourself. You DESERVE to heal, recover, and find someone perfect for you. You DESERVE to live light hearted, spirited, and free of this level of anger. It starts with recovery. All focus off them and their fool ways. All focus on us, our smart beautiful selves - worthy of forgiveness by our critical selves.

One day not long ago, after puking my anger and infuriation for the lack of justice for ABF all over a poor long time AA'er, he told me,

"Mandy, THANK GOD the world is not fair - THANK GOD we all do not get all that we deserve."

After a lot of thought, my own misdeeds to ABF were painfully clear. You cannot be angry, silent and hateful of someone for the better part of 4 years without making them feel worthless and hated (no matter how many nice little things you do for them in between.) I cannot imagine someone "who loves me" making me feel that way for so long. I am working on amends there, and his misdeeds (or my perception of them) to me don't affect that now.

Now - on to making amends to myself. We HAVE to forgive them, forgive us, and keep moving forward. It will be a process, but God dang we deserve it! (((HUGS))) to you. Tomorrow will be better!
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Old 06-04-2015, 04:02 PM
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That it a truly excellent share firebolt. I can completely relate. ... well said!
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Old 06-04-2015, 04:23 PM
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Igirl66-

I agree with what others have posted.

As a fellow person in ED recovery and who loves/loved a problem drinker I have to say that my choice in person had a lot to do with my own recovery, where I was and what I thought of myself.

My codependent behaviors definately played a role in my eating "stuff" and my eating stuff made me feel unworthy of a partner that could truly be deeply and genuinely there for me.

There are places to go for Co-dependent recoveries, and for ED stuff.

I balked at Al-anon for a long time BECAUSE I was already working on my ED stuff and I did not think I had room for "someone else's disease." I had no idea that going to Al-anon would help my food behavior so significantly.

It has taken me a long time to realize that though my drug of choice is different, I use food in similar ways to my loved one who used alcohol. To numb out, not feel, and to not connect/put a wall up for myself with others. For me it was safer than being rejected for my real self.

So my question is this? How has your co-dependent behaviors and your ED overlapped? How have either of them impacted your relationships and your life (even with your ex)?
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Old 06-04-2015, 04:32 PM
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I love what you have to say. It's straight to the point. Very well said!!!
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Old 06-05-2015, 08:30 AM
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Thanks guys, there's lots to chew on here. I just love the Fire Twins (Bolt & Sprite)! You guys really break it down. Believe it or not, I don't walk about in a rage. It just pops out of nowhere and I am trying to learn how to catch it. I'm past the "hide the sharp objects" stage. I'm just struggling bad on not isolating. I'm an introvert, so isolating is my first nature even when I'm at my peak. I recognize at this point the angry voice in my head is the residual of issues not quite as resolved as I thought, so I go back and look and the little beastie crying out for attention and ask "what now?" "What do you need?"

Mostly with me it's feeling as if I have no voice at times or if I do have a voice I'm not being heard. I didn't agree to go no contact with my ex. I was just shut out. In the few text that we did exchange, it was so cold and unemotional. Like I'm a stranger. Maybe I am since he was under the influence the whole relationship. I don't know that he's not feeling guilty, but I'm not going to give him the benefit of thinking that he is. If he is, then he has a pair or arms to hold and comfort him. It must be lovely. I have given up expecting abnormal people to behave normally. I just forget.
The question of the ED is interesting. I was fine ED wise when I met my ex. It only resurfaced, badly, when we split. Oddly enough it was me who had to say enough when it came to eating. While in rehab he started bingeing himself and shot up to a respectable 200lbs. He's not the tallest guy and turned into a little meatball.

I moved back to ny in 07' when my parents died two weeks apart. My dad had cancer and my mom was so stressed she had a heart attack. I spent the next year feeling little to anything thanks to vodka , ambien and Xanax. One day I decided this is going to kill me. So, I poured all booze down the drain, flushed the pills and spent a week lying on a couch in the gray sweats crying, not eating not showering , not answering the phone. Almost checked myself into the hospital. Nobody told me about withdrawals and detoxing. I though I was going good nuts. After about three months of what I call a midnight of the soul experience, I began to pull myself together.

I opened my own business and two weeks in my daughter has a breakdown and I have to snatch her out of a psych ward, get her to NY, sit with her until I can bet her into a hospital making sure this shivering, detoxing mess doesn't kill herself . Finally got her into a year long program. She's fine now and I'm grateful.

The business struggled and Hurricane Sandy dealt the final blow. So, I lost that along with my house, 99% of my money and everything that I had. Flash forward. I'm trying to right myself. I get a neat job, move into a less than prefect little apt, but it's my sanctuary. I decide I'd like to have a real relationship. I date a few guys, nothing really clicks that well. Enter the ex. He is everything I could have hoped for. He makes ME feel normal. How sad is that? I guess breaking up with him was just one loss too many in too short a span.

The most painful part, and I've mentioned this before, is that we talked about having a family. I can't normally so I go through all of these tests. When we found out what we would need to do, he and his family were uber supportive and encouraging. I remember one of the last things that I said to him was " don't give up on me yet, ok?" And he said he never would. Right up until he did.

I am grateful of course that we didn't have kids. Yes, I can see how all of this was for me to learn and grow. Something had to force all of this unresolved grief to the surface. That's really how I see the anger. And I do deserve the peace of the process. I am learning to anchor myself with prayer when I start feeling adrift. And of course I keep reading here. My heart absolutely breaks when I read a new thread by someone whose just walking into this kind of mess. But I will keep reading and getting stronger day by day, thought by thought. Thank you all!
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Old 06-05-2015, 10:19 AM
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You're doing great iGirl, that's a lot to digest in a short time!!((((Hugs))))

Interestingly, my ED which had been under control for so very long went completely out of control in reaction to RAH's addiction/recovery/etc. He had been a secret drinker & when he admitted everything & started his recovery my body went crazy gaining weight that has been impossible to lose. I've gotten more emotional about my eating & more out of control all around since then.

It's been my biggest hurdle over this last year because I'm ready to really focus on it after 2 yrs of dealing with ACoA & AH issues. Recently I've been seeking resources to help me understand it better & find long-term solutions that will work for me.
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Old 06-05-2015, 11:34 AM
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Damn - you've been through the gauntlet and you should be exempt from pain for a long, long time. I shudder to think where I'd be after all that.

I'm past the "hide the sharp objects" stage.
Well then you are doing better than me at times

I don't think you walk around in a rage. Reading what you wrote, I could feel your anger - wholly trigger - because I have a ton of it too - and I don't want to minimize that. We have things to be angry about!

It helps us all so much to get things down on screen - sort it out, find the roots, and 'Weed-B-Gone' that &h!t.

Mostly with me it's feeling as if I have no voice at times or if I do have a voice I'm not being heard.
Oh man, isn't that the truth of it all?! I really think it has to happen this way for me....if not for ABF - all the pain and torment and sadness, I don't think I would have ever started searching for and listening to my OWN voice!

All that misery - their mess. It all circles back to being about us. FINALLY!

(((HUGS))) to you.

From 1/2 of the Fire Twins
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Old 06-05-2015, 03:23 PM
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Igirl66-

I also think you are doing great!

I am in a place of old, deep resentments and anger. Food is up for me (again) as I hope I wade into this last emotional hurdle from my childhood.

I have found that for me in times of stress/in times of change/ and especially in times of actually allowing myself to feel my emotions (for the first time) food comes roaring back in as my soothing comfort. For me it truly was the way I self-soothed as a child. As I learn to feel these feelings, develop new coping mechanisms with them and let go of some old stuff I don't struggle with food over them any longer.

My loved one that got me here did open up something for me. I had to FINALLY deal with what I had kept stuffed for so long. My relationship with him forced me to understand that my old ways of coping were more painful than feeling the emotions that I was not willing to feel for so long. He cracked open a wound that I had to clean out before it could be stictched back together.



It has taken me a long time to get here, especially to feeling anger. I just went to a clinical workshop on anger last week. I learned about the different types of anger and how people behave. I somaticize anger and store it in my body (why I have TMJ and my hips hurt with anger), and I self-sabatogue. The example of a self-sabatogue person was the "nicest person on the planet," who goes home and overeats......that was an uncomforable look in the mirror.
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Old 06-05-2015, 08:38 PM
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Yep. Self sabotage is definitely something that I can relate to. Physically I hold my tension between my shoulder blades. I'm always stretching when I'm tense.

I literally started each hour of the day today with a short prayer. I just needed to get through that hour. With no anger, no almost tears and no stuffing my face. I made it! I do the SMART recovery for the ED and the relationship stuff. But, when I went to the VA center for a check up, the doc signed me up for a program called MOVE. It's to help vets with ED, nutrition counseling, therapy and exercise and all things weight management.! The group meeting is on my day off in the morning so I don't have to miss it! Love free help!

The more I think about where I might be right now if I hadn't had this experience, the more accepting I am of it. Don't know that I can say grateful, but I do see it as something that God is using to heal me. I do want to meet a nice non fixer upper guy and just relax in a relationship that I can expect to receive in and not just give. I just want to be ready when that happens
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Old 06-05-2015, 11:17 PM
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Thank you for this thread. I have felt the exact same way as you so articulately posted. I think you are doing great for acknowledging your resentments about it all! I am glad your daughter is doing better. There is nothing worse than having to watch a child suffer through things.
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Old 06-06-2015, 08:47 AM
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I got my soothing as a kid by deciding "I'll feel good like those boyfriend/girlfriends to when I find a girlfriend" and followed that up into adulthood. Funny though the feel good part seemed to only be happening when there was plenty of sex.. I pretty well took the emotional component for granted, so in effect I made fulfillment == sex, so it was all about gratification of instinct with all the childish manipulation that comes with not having it. Getting out of that thing seems to be phase 1 of my recovery and its taken over a year to get to a point where I can let go of the fixation over physical intimacy, which is fine- seems like recovery is more like growing than fixing. Recently I've been taking up my response to listening to the news, which has always been a big trigger for me. Its been really interesting- not so very long ago I clearly spent weeks in a state of outrage over the nonsense that gov'ts get up to, poisoning everyones days all around me. Turning on the news now makes me feel like a cat in a rocking-chair factory though, have to stay out of the emotional reactions. Recovery seems to me to be about learning better habits of mind, making amends for the stuff done etc- getting to a place where a clear conscience is a soft pillow, having that ease and comfort just walking down the street with no agenda & no fixations.

So yeah maybe the addict gets the TLC and walks away into a new life... but until they face that stuff and be free of it they'll be running from themselves no matter how pretty the new lifestyle is. Maybe they won't notice.. I don't see a reason to suppose that a given addict is guaranteed to suffer from their past, not my business anyway. But for those of us, addict or no, who do, we must find our own recovery or ultimately descend into perdition.

So I'd say if a retreat sounds useful then go for it. I do a yearly motorcycle pilgrimage, full days riding with nothing in my head but the air and the road. To me self-care is physical, emotional and spiritual, I remain impressed with how comprehensively ignorant I was about something so important.
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Old 06-06-2015, 08:59 AM
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^^^ wow, schnappi, well said , thank you
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Old 06-06-2015, 04:49 PM
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Schnappi99, there's some good meat on that bone. I'm going to digest that for awhile for sure!

Searching- you are so right! Watching your child go through that is beyond horrible. Maybe I thought I could deal with the ex because of what I went though with her. But it's a total different dynamic. Her advice was for me to cut him lose. Smart kid.
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