EmmyG

Can't sleep and just wanted to write my thoughts down because I would like to take some steps soon and I don't quite feel ready.

I've lived apart from my husband since April 2014. In October, I moved out of LA to my parents' mountain community to regroup and figure out where I want to live permanently. I was commuting really far but I recently found a way to stop doing that and things are a lot better. I'm able to spend a lot more time with my two little boys. But now, I have more time to think about my life and what I want and to realize that I haven't been emotionally satisfied in my marriage, ever. It's always been about him and his issues.

AH has had one binge since October. He was off of work that week and drank for the entire week until he finally snapped out of it. Of course his binge fell on the week of Mother's Day and our anniversary lol. Aside from that, he's been functioning and he's been an active father. Financially, he's also kept his end of the bargain. As for me, I have a lot more peace. I like controlling my environment and knowing that I won't ever have to come home to or wake up to a drunk, belligerent person.

He has been a lot nicer and we have a comfortable co-parenting relationship. We have both agreed to just focus on working on ourselves and putting the kids and their happiness first. We haven't filed for divorce. But lately, I miss having a real relationship. He is like a friend to me, not a partner. I'm SO thankful that we can get along for the kids. But I don't have a husband anymore. I don't get hugs and hand holding, I don't get the emotional support and attention and I miss that. I don't think I'm anywhere near ready to date, but I'm feeling torn about moving forward with a divorce. My kids are always making comments that they like it when the four of us spend time together as a family and the thought of telling them it's officially over kills me. They are only 4 and 7. But maybe I'm holding back out of my own fears. I don't know. I do know that moving out was the best thing for me and I am much more at peace now. I don't have to deal with the chaos, the uncertainty and his mood swings anymore. I can choose when I want to be around him and I have my own comfortable, peaceful home.

He makes comments about how we would both need to change to ever live together and that I'm too controlling and mothering toward him (dude, you drove me to that - I don't enjoy it!!!). I don't want to live like that ever again - worrying when he goes anywhere that he might decide to drink and what will he be like when he gets home? Never again. Not doing that to my kids.

So I feel like I'm in limbo. Maybe it's just a slow process? I never thought I'd be okay living alone and here I am and it's okay. I also hesitate to go no contact because I'd like to keep it amicable, especially for the kids. But maybe I need to. I don't want to be stuck with this weird quasi-relationship forever. I don't want to wake up in 20 years and still be attached to someone who can't or won't give me 100%. I'm only 33.

Florence

Two things:
1) You can leave a relationship at any time for any reason.
2) You don't have to do anything right now.

If this is working for you, it's working for you. If it's not, it's not. If it's not working for you and you're in relative peace, there will never be any immediate decisions available anyway, so take your time.

I took the time with my XAH, and we did the weird limbo for almost a year. Occasionally I would fight it and feel pressured to make a decision about what was next, and I would end up holding off longer. This was fine, it worked for me. What eventually happened (for me, not saying this is the case for you) is that I found out my XAH was actually manipulating me to think he was sober, and he was in fact still drinking, lost his job again, and went to rehab again. All this deception finally led me to file for divorce, and this was after 6-12 months of friendly and happy peace between us. In hindsight I was happy that I proceeded conservatively because it meant I was off of the rollercoaster. I was able to see the drama at a distance and decide against it, instead of being forced to engage with it directly.

So again, no rush.

EmmyG

Thanks, Florence. That makes a lot of sense. I did shock myself last time he had a binge. I didn't freak out with worry! I stayed calm and went about my business and kept it together well for me and the boys. It used to tear me up. I'm learning to separate his happiness from mine, which I guess is a big step.

knowthetriggers

Yes - that is called progress and it takes some time. I would suggest to keep working on you and in time you will know the right decision to make.

(((hugs to you)))

lillamy

I had to go look at your old posts to see if I remembered your story correctly. Humans have a tremendous gift for healing, and for forgetting the hard parts.

Those things, to me, are not primarily the actions of an alcoholic. They're primarily the actions of an abuser. You know the saying about what you get when you take the drink away from a drunk horse thief? That just leaves you with a sober horse thief. I would be very, very concerned about trying to repair a relationship with an abuser. My former therapist spent 10 years trying to counsel couples where there had been abuse and the couple wanted to stay together. She said it was hopeless on a level that made her clinically depressed.

LemonGirl

Personally, I think that when you start hearing yourself inside, you should listen. There is a voice inside telling you what you want.

Though I fully understand the conflict and the need to weigh it all out. I do the same thing. But whatever choice I eventually come to, I am trying to be ever so mindful NOT to make a decision based on others' feelings.... including my children. I have to base my decision on my own needs. I think the rest will follow from there...

CodeJob

Hello Emmy,

You sound very well. I am glad to hear you have managed to eliminate that commute.

As for limbo, I tend to agree with Amy in that your H's behavior has definitely slid into abusive on too regular of a basis. Could you really trust him ever again as a 100% present spouse? If your answer is no, then that is that.

For these kinds of decisions, do you see a counselor? I have gotten a lot of clarity spilling my jumbled thoughts and half-baked theories to a counselor when making such decisions.

Be well.

Pebbles2012

I'm in the same boat as you are. I was treated a similar way by my wife and I left and I'm not sure I want to ride on that negative rollercoaster again. Thank you for sharing this.