son refuses inpatient
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
son refuses inpatient
Yes, I know I should be the one calling the shots. He went back to drinking after 4 to 5 weeks of not. Started just having a few and then it escalated to 60 proof Monday night and 70 proof yesterday. Monday night he was with a friend and the one driving. They got booze from the friends older friend and parked in a lot and drank plus took benzo. His friends mom called me then and told her son called her that mine was passed out. We brought him home. Now I look back and wish I would have taken him straight to the hospital. He doesn't remember a thing and was very mean when he came around. So yesterday he called me to come home to talk and I told him that he needed to go to inpatient. He is refusing because he feels like it will be jail. I told him it will be jail very shortly and then to get out of jail he will have to commit to inpatient so why not go voluntarily. We talked for over an hour. He said he can not start drinking again because he just can't stop. Seemed very positive like he was sincere. 2 1/2 hours later I get a call from him to come home. In the meantime his friend text me and told me he was at his house and was drunk then drove home. (The drive is about 1/2 mile to and from his house). I found my son on the porch he didn't have a house key. I asked what happened and he said he wanted to pour the rest of his handle down the sink but then he drank it..... I left him sleep it off and then I called inpatient facilities. He refuses to go. I told him I didn't care if we lost the money for college summer classes because his degrees won't mean anything unless he gets help. He won't budge. He agreed to outpatient so I am looking today for one. Is my best route just calling the police next time he is drunk?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
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Your son is on the fast track to total destruction. But, the thing is he is an adult. Time for him to make adult decisions and for you to stop enabling him. Sure inpatient feels like prison but it's what he needs. He needs to be in a controlled environment where he is told when to get up, when to eat, when to sleep.
I don't have an addicted kid but I have been an alcoholic. If you want the crazy to stop you have to cut him off. No more making calls for him, cleaning up after him, paying his bills. He will never do for himself if you are always willing to do for him.
I don't have an addicted kid but I have been an alcoholic. If you want the crazy to stop you have to cut him off. No more making calls for him, cleaning up after him, paying his bills. He will never do for himself if you are always willing to do for him.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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H you've been posting the same scenarios and outcomes for some time now. If nothing changes, nothing changes. You really need to stop enabling him. He's an adult and needs to understand consequences obviously to "get" it.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Hummingbird, first of all (((((((HUGS))))))))
I am not sure that law enforcement can do much about a drunken son. Probably not much.
Unless he is drunk in public. Or if he is abusing you while drunk. Or driving drunk. Or out of control in your home, breaking things, etc.
As suggested here, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to attend an Alanon meeting.
Also, an outpatient program for your son may include help for the family *you*.
And of course, this group is a great support system.
Focus on the good; you son has agreed to an outpatient program. Hopefully it will help him.
Hugs again to you.
I am not sure that law enforcement can do much about a drunken son. Probably not much.
Unless he is drunk in public. Or if he is abusing you while drunk. Or driving drunk. Or out of control in your home, breaking things, etc.
As suggested here, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to attend an Alanon meeting.
Also, an outpatient program for your son may include help for the family *you*.
And of course, this group is a great support system.
Focus on the good; you son has agreed to an outpatient program. Hopefully it will help him.
Hugs again to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by Refiner 
H you've been posting the same scenarios and outcomes for some time now. If nothing changes, nothing changes. You really need to stop enabling him. He's an adult and needs to understand consequences obviously to "get" it.
You "help" in giving him money, a place to live, and no consequences for bad behavior truly is letting him destroy himself and do great harm to the family.
I don't mean this unkindly--as a former alcoholic myself, until the consequences began to show up, I had no interest in stopping either.
I recognize this is very hard to do because you love him, but if you don't do something different, this will get worse.
I am so sorry for what you are going through but you didn't cause him to drink, he chose it, and only he can fix it by choosing to seek recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear Hummingbird........I have posted to you before....lol!.....so, you must know, by now, that I have been in your shoes and Understand, first hand, how having an addicted child can tear your heart out like no other........
I speak to you from deep compassion and understanding of your pain.
I don't think that you are really able to "hear" much of the advice given, here on this forum because you are so frightened and feel like you can still "handle this yourself".
The thing is....he is managing you, his parents, to get what he wants. He is good at it because you, unknowingly, make it easy...and, he knows exactly what your limits are and where your hot buttons are.
You may feel like this is the "bottom" for him or for you parents.....but, I can tell you that it can get a whole lot worse than this.
I will refrain from giving you any specific "advice" or recommendation....as I don't think you are ready for it----and, I don't know enough about your entire situation, either.
I will encourage you, with all my might, to seek out a long recovered alcoholic who works as a therapist or counselor in this field----get such a person to guide you and your husband.......
(of course, alanon and other support groups ---in addition to the counseling goes with out saying.)
This is a long and hard road---much too hard to try to walk alone.....
There is a lot of help.....you have to be at the point to reach out and accept the help.....
I have a couple of books written by mothers for mothers with adult addicted kids.....PM me if you would like the names....
Very sincerely,
dandylion
I speak to you from deep compassion and understanding of your pain.
I don't think that you are really able to "hear" much of the advice given, here on this forum because you are so frightened and feel like you can still "handle this yourself".
The thing is....he is managing you, his parents, to get what he wants. He is good at it because you, unknowingly, make it easy...and, he knows exactly what your limits are and where your hot buttons are.
You may feel like this is the "bottom" for him or for you parents.....but, I can tell you that it can get a whole lot worse than this.
I will refrain from giving you any specific "advice" or recommendation....as I don't think you are ready for it----and, I don't know enough about your entire situation, either.
I will encourage you, with all my might, to seek out a long recovered alcoholic who works as a therapist or counselor in this field----get such a person to guide you and your husband.......
(of course, alanon and other support groups ---in addition to the counseling goes with out saying.)
This is a long and hard road---much too hard to try to walk alone.....
There is a lot of help.....you have to be at the point to reach out and accept the help.....
I have a couple of books written by mothers for mothers with adult addicted kids.....PM me if you would like the names....
Very sincerely,
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14
Dear Hummingbird,
I feel your pain as I have a 34 yr old addicted son ... he's been in and out of prison and his choices tear my heart out ... still drinking/drugging/etc. I wish we (my ex and I) had stopped enabling years ago. In looking back, I can see how our enabling has actually contributed to him making the wrong choices. It's so hard. And I cringe to think how many times I've unknowingly paid for alcohol/drugs. They are so good at manipulating. Just want you to know you are not alone.
I feel your pain as I have a 34 yr old addicted son ... he's been in and out of prison and his choices tear my heart out ... still drinking/drugging/etc. I wish we (my ex and I) had stopped enabling years ago. In looking back, I can see how our enabling has actually contributed to him making the wrong choices. It's so hard. And I cringe to think how many times I've unknowingly paid for alcohol/drugs. They are so good at manipulating. Just want you to know you are not alone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He's bargaining with you. And each time, you cave in to his "but I'll do this" promises. It's going NOWHERE but down.
My own suggestion is to simply tell him you don't care HOW he deals with it but he isn't welcome in your home until he does. The choices are all his. Let him couch surf at his friends' homes (if they will put up with it) or go to a shelter. It's hard but would you rather get a call that he has died of alcohol poisoning or in a drunk driving accident, or in jail having killed someone else while driving drunk? None of those are unlikely scenarios at this point. And yes, those things can happen if you kick him out, too, but the sooner he experiences lesser negative consequences the more likely he will decide that this is not a viable way to live.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but none of your choices are pleasant ones. Given the assortment of painful possibilities, I think I'd go with the one that places responsibility for what happens on HIS shoulders, rather than yours.
My own suggestion is to simply tell him you don't care HOW he deals with it but he isn't welcome in your home until he does. The choices are all his. Let him couch surf at his friends' homes (if they will put up with it) or go to a shelter. It's hard but would you rather get a call that he has died of alcohol poisoning or in a drunk driving accident, or in jail having killed someone else while driving drunk? None of those are unlikely scenarios at this point. And yes, those things can happen if you kick him out, too, but the sooner he experiences lesser negative consequences the more likely he will decide that this is not a viable way to live.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but none of your choices are pleasant ones. Given the assortment of painful possibilities, I think I'd go with the one that places responsibility for what happens on HIS shoulders, rather than yours.
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Agreed with all of the above, including "he isn't welcome in your home until he does." I would add, "he isn't welcome to your money going forward either." That means car, car insurance, college tuition, groceries, entertainment, court costs, or whatever. Lots of folks say they had to quit their drug of choice when they couldn't afford to pay for it anymore. And if one is foregoing standard life requirements like food and shelter in favor of buying benzos and booze, well, us bystanders are out of our league already.
With my XAH, I fought with him about whether or not he should go to inpatient rehab at first. He complained it would be like jail. He was mad and refused to go when he forgot to pack one certain book in his suitcase. He outright refused to go to any one that wouldn't allow him to smoke cigarettes. He tried to jump out of my car on the interstate on the way to one rehab. I kept pushing and pushing him to go anyway. Short version: He didn't want to go to rehab. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HIM and made my life decisions about our money and relationships accordingly. Because after he did go to rehab, he figured out that rehab, because we were all so relieved, meant that everyone at home was willing to wipe the slate clean and he got to start over practically from square one, and from then on, every time he screwed up he would go on a little rehab vacation to get some sweet tabula rasa, learn the language of recovery so he could manipulate us better, and get his friends and family to back up off of him for his terrible and irresponsible behavior.
Get some in-person support for this, because it's terrible to go alone. I had a counselor that helped me figure out what I was doing and how to get where I needed to be. Al-Anon is also an awesome support system.
With my XAH, I fought with him about whether or not he should go to inpatient rehab at first. He complained it would be like jail. He was mad and refused to go when he forgot to pack one certain book in his suitcase. He outright refused to go to any one that wouldn't allow him to smoke cigarettes. He tried to jump out of my car on the interstate on the way to one rehab. I kept pushing and pushing him to go anyway. Short version: He didn't want to go to rehab. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HIM and made my life decisions about our money and relationships accordingly. Because after he did go to rehab, he figured out that rehab, because we were all so relieved, meant that everyone at home was willing to wipe the slate clean and he got to start over practically from square one, and from then on, every time he screwed up he would go on a little rehab vacation to get some sweet tabula rasa, learn the language of recovery so he could manipulate us better, and get his friends and family to back up off of him for his terrible and irresponsible behavior.
Get some in-person support for this, because it's terrible to go alone. I had a counselor that helped me figure out what I was doing and how to get where I needed to be. Al-Anon is also an awesome support system.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What Lexie said. Make a printout of all the shelters and inpatient rehabs around you, hand them to him, and tell him he is on his own. He is manipulating you. It has to be so hard. I don't say this to be unkind, but your continuing to catch him may be the thing to kill him, or someone else since he thinks it's ok to drink and drive.
And make sure your name is not on any insurance or title of any vehicle he may drive.
Hugs to you. XXX
And make sure your name is not on any insurance or title of any vehicle he may drive.
Hugs to you. XXX
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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who paid for this car he is driving around drunk and high? did he get a job, save money and buy it himself? does he pay for the insurance?
your son is a 20 year old who wants to drink and party. and his cadre of "friends" do the same. right now he IS running the show.....you provide all his needs and he is doing exactly what he wants, demonstrates NO respect, and gets away with it.
all your efforts to FORCE him into sobriety have failed - because HE isn't invested in recovery. outpatient isn't going to fix this. YOU can't fix this.
why not let him hike up his big boy panties and go out in the world and grow up?
your son is a 20 year old who wants to drink and party. and his cadre of "friends" do the same. right now he IS running the show.....you provide all his needs and he is doing exactly what he wants, demonstrates NO respect, and gets away with it.
all your efforts to FORCE him into sobriety have failed - because HE isn't invested in recovery. outpatient isn't going to fix this. YOU can't fix this.
why not let him hike up his big boy panties and go out in the world and grow up?
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Hello Hummingbird.
It is really tough to find SR and read some threads that sound quite a bit like your own life. 'But wait, I thought I was the ONLY one suffering like this!?' Turns out addicts have a way of twisting our love into their next fix or whatever they need. 'But my loved one is not THAT bad.' Until you come slinking back to SR because it is that bad. Even then, not a lot of people post.
You are posting. You have been given very good advice - solid advice - given to you individually. I hope you decide to try a new approach.
I realize if you stop enabling, you might lose some rounds with your husband and parents. What other enablers do you need to educate if you start to make a change?
It is really tough to find SR and read some threads that sound quite a bit like your own life. 'But wait, I thought I was the ONLY one suffering like this!?' Turns out addicts have a way of twisting our love into their next fix or whatever they need. 'But my loved one is not THAT bad.' Until you come slinking back to SR because it is that bad. Even then, not a lot of people post.
You are posting. You have been given very good advice - solid advice - given to you individually. I hope you decide to try a new approach.
I realize if you stop enabling, you might lose some rounds with your husband and parents. What other enablers do you need to educate if you start to make a change?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
Humingbird- I'm sorry you are going through this and I hate to say this but until you change - you will be posting this same story for the next decade. Your son has absolutely no reason to change his ways. You house, feed, and cloth him. I also find it odd that he calls and you leave (work?) to run home to him.
And why are YOU calling outpatient treatment centers?
Humingbird- I am BEGGING YOU. Please hide the keys to the car. If nothing else at least hide the damn keys.
And why are YOU calling outpatient treatment centers?
Humingbird- I am BEGGING YOU. Please hide the keys to the car. If nothing else at least hide the damn keys.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
It's hard but would you rather get a call that he has died of alcohol poisoning or in a drunk driving accident, or in jail having killed someone else while driving drunk? None of those are unlikely scenarios at this point.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
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HB, when my DUI son get his license back, my name is being taken off his car. You don't want to deal with any consequences from his actions. Since he is over 18, I'm not sure how much you are liable for but I wouldn't chance a thing.
You know how sorry I am you're in the midst of this. My son definitely didn't suffer enough consequences until this DUI. This has been hell. I weep on a regular basis thinking of how much money and time we've wasted, how many future opportunities he's destroyed....there aren't many things than could be worse than alcoholism/addiction. Hugs to you.
You know how sorry I am you're in the midst of this. My son definitely didn't suffer enough consequences until this DUI. This has been hell. I weep on a regular basis thinking of how much money and time we've wasted, how many future opportunities he's destroyed....there aren't many things than could be worse than alcoholism/addiction. Hugs to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Lexie, this made me wonder... could Hummingbird end up being liable if anything bad like this were to happen since she's protecting him and providing money?
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Originally Posted by hummingbird1094
Yes, I know I should be the one calling the shots. He went back to drinking after 4 to 5 weeks of not. Started just having a few and then it escalated to 60 proof Monday night and 70 proof yesterday. Monday night he was with a friend and the one driving. They got booze from the friends older friend and parked in a lot and drank plus took benzo. His friends mom called me then and told her son called her that mine was passed out. We brought him home. Now I look back and wish I would have taken him straight to the hospital. He doesn't remember a thing and was very mean when he came around. So yesterday he called me to come home to talk and I told him that he needed to go to inpatient. He is refusing because he feels like it will be jail. I told him it will be jail very shortly and then to get out of jail he will have to commit to inpatient so why not go voluntarily. We talked for over an hour. He said he can not start drinking again because he just can't stop. Seemed very positive like he was sincere. 2 1/2 hours later I get a call from him to come home. In the meantime his friend text me and told me he was at his house and was drunk then drove home. (The drive is about 1/2 mile to and from his house). I found my son on the porch he didn't have a house key. I asked what happened and he said he wanted to pour the rest of his handle down the sink but then he drank it..... I left him sleep it off and then I called inpatient facilities. He refuses to go. I told him I didn't care if we lost the money for college summer classes because his degrees won't mean anything unless he gets help. He won't budge. He agreed to outpatient so I am looking today for one. Is my best route just calling the police next time he is drunk?
I didnt know much when my husband needed help, fortunately his parents did. People need treatment ASAP and most professionals will tell you the concept of waiting for rock bottom on professional treatment is a myth. You want to treat it quickly like any other medical problem. This page from National Institute of Drug Abuse has principles for treatment and lots of other info. (such as the rehab must use evidence based therapies, and counselors and therapist should be licensed, and have credentials to teach CBT and things like this).
What to Do If Your Adult Friend or Loved One Has a Problem with Drugs | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
We had both positive reinforcment and negative reinforcement with my husband. Family was all supportive and no one threatened to walk out of his life, we reinforced his known life goals. His employer stressed rhe negative, he couldnt come back to work until he completed treatment but they did it all in an encouraging way.
I dont think calling the police will help unless he is driving drunk, or being violent. I hope it doesnt come to this. Hes in college? My husband first experimented with substances in college, even wrecked a car. His parents came down on him and he got his act together o his own. He would have benefited from therapy back then I think because he used for emotional reasons. I hope your son will go, will find someplace good who will work with him.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Hummingbird- When I begged you to take the keys I did so to try to save you some pain. I did not mean any disrespect. My daughter has 2 DUI's. I blame myself every day for not taking away those keys, (actually for not selling the darn car). I am just thankful no one else was injured. I don't think I could have lived with that.
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