Entering a relationship with sober alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 1
Entering a relationship with sober alcoholic
Hello new friends,
First off I am new to the site and the lingo, so please pardon my lack of knowledge-- but I am here to learn!
I recently met a very sweet man who I have become rather attached to. Before we commit to a serious relationship, which both of us are interested in, I wonder if there is anything I should know about dating a sober alcoholic.
He has been sober 18 months and says he now is a sponsor for several other men.
I have read several bad experiences on the site so far of those who have dated now-sober alcoholics.
Any advice from those who have been in the situation and seen it turn out well?
Any advice on how I can be a help and not a hindrance to his growth and sobriety?
I feel it may also be worth noting that I am not an alcoholic. I drink occasionally with my friends, which he is aware of, and says he isn't concerned with.
I do have alcohol in my home and am wondering if I should move this to a friend's house because he does come visit weekly.
I keep it out of sight but I still feel it may not be appropriate to have around.
Thanks in advance for your wisdom/advice.
Cheers.
First off I am new to the site and the lingo, so please pardon my lack of knowledge-- but I am here to learn!
I recently met a very sweet man who I have become rather attached to. Before we commit to a serious relationship, which both of us are interested in, I wonder if there is anything I should know about dating a sober alcoholic.
He has been sober 18 months and says he now is a sponsor for several other men.
I have read several bad experiences on the site so far of those who have dated now-sober alcoholics.
Any advice from those who have been in the situation and seen it turn out well?
Any advice on how I can be a help and not a hindrance to his growth and sobriety?
I feel it may also be worth noting that I am not an alcoholic. I drink occasionally with my friends, which he is aware of, and says he isn't concerned with.
I do have alcohol in my home and am wondering if I should move this to a friend's house because he does come visit weekly.
I keep it out of sight but I still feel it may not be appropriate to have around.
Thanks in advance for your wisdom/advice.
Cheers.
Last edited by Nash6115; 06-03-2015 at 01:10 PM. Reason: potentially offensive term used. not sure of lingo.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Holyoke, MA
Posts: 156
Hello!
About 8 years ago, I briefly dated someone who was a recovering alcoholic and he was a great guy! We went to dinner twice and both times he insisted I order wine or a drink, but out of respect I didn't and just ordered water with lemon. We dated for a couple of months and hung out almost every other day, but we always had something to do. He was amazingly hilarious and being the heavier drinker that I was, even "I" didn't even have the urge to want to drink.
I would say if you're into this man, go for yours!! You won't know until you try, right? Maybe have a talk to him first and voice your concerns and see how it goes from there! :-)
About 8 years ago, I briefly dated someone who was a recovering alcoholic and he was a great guy! We went to dinner twice and both times he insisted I order wine or a drink, but out of respect I didn't and just ordered water with lemon. We dated for a couple of months and hung out almost every other day, but we always had something to do. He was amazingly hilarious and being the heavier drinker that I was, even "I" didn't even have the urge to want to drink.
I would say if you're into this man, go for yours!! You won't know until you try, right? Maybe have a talk to him first and voice your concerns and see how it goes from there! :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Oxford, England
Posts: 38
to the lady who likes a sober alcoholic
hi and welcome. You will find much support on this site and a lot of wisdom. I can only talk from my own experience. I've had one relationship with a sober alcoholic and I have a friendship now with a sober alcoholic. The relationship with the SA lasted 6 months. He had previously been bankrupted by drinking too much and he wanted to lean on me for money. I wasn't strong enough to say no. First I became the rescuer and then I felt resentment. He was wonderful company and I fell in love with him very quickly. We were compatible in every way except for the cash flow problem.
Now I have a friend who calls himself a SA. He can't seem to manage an intimate relationship with a woman. He's divorced 3 times and I think he may use women for what he needs but he's not interested in what a woman needs. He can't talk about emotions at all and I believe he is so scared of emotions that he has shut them down. For some reason I can't fathom, he thinks it is masculine and strong not to show any feelings. He is brilliant company in small doses and I love our times together. He really makes me laugh but something stops me from getting into a relationship with him.
I'm absolutely sure that SAs can be great partners but only if they have started to examine their own behaviours/strengths& weaknesses and participate in some sort of supported recovery programme where they talk with other SAs. Good luck and try not to wear the rose-tinted glasses that I wore!Jezzebelle
Now I have a friend who calls himself a SA. He can't seem to manage an intimate relationship with a woman. He's divorced 3 times and I think he may use women for what he needs but he's not interested in what a woman needs. He can't talk about emotions at all and I believe he is so scared of emotions that he has shut them down. For some reason I can't fathom, he thinks it is masculine and strong not to show any feelings. He is brilliant company in small doses and I love our times together. He really makes me laugh but something stops me from getting into a relationship with him.
I'm absolutely sure that SAs can be great partners but only if they have started to examine their own behaviours/strengths& weaknesses and participate in some sort of supported recovery programme where they talk with other SAs. Good luck and try not to wear the rose-tinted glasses that I wore!Jezzebelle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
He sounds like he is doing well in his recovery. That's GREAT!
As far as alcohol in your house, I would just ask him how you can support him with regards to it. Depending on his answer, IT IS UP TO YOU if his requests (if any) are conducive to the lifestyle and home you want.
From what I've learned here, here are some things to consider -
If you want to be in the relationship, I recommend reading and learning all you can about alcoholism and codependency - and get to some Alanon meetings. It will help you SO MUCH.
Know that he can relapse at any time. That's a terrifying thing to think about. Keep your eyes open for red flags, and if you see them, PLEASE PLEASE don't try to rationalize them to yourself. Your gut instincts are SO important! Should he relapse 2 years down the line, it will be much more difficult to leave than right now. That being said, nothing in life is a guarantee, and a couple of the best people I know are recovering alcoholics.
Know that his sobriety should be the MOST important thing in his life. You may feel that meetings and his friends in the program interfere with your relationship at times. Those are the times where what you learn in Alanon will help you let him take care of himself, while you take care of you.
Please take care of yourself and your needs first and foremost. Really can't stress that enough, and I know it sounds counter-productive to your question about supporting him. I promise, that taking care of yourself, your needs, and keeping your life and your happiness outside of him as well as with him are some of the best things you can do to support your relationship and his sobriety.
As far as saying or doing anything for him, I really think it is as simple as saying "let me know how I can support you and your recovery." And then do what you feel are within your boundaries and what is right for you also. We very easily can lose ourselves to them and their problems, and you can be proactive in preventing that very literal hell with some of the steps above.
Good luck - and check in here as often as you need to!
As far as alcohol in your house, I would just ask him how you can support him with regards to it. Depending on his answer, IT IS UP TO YOU if his requests (if any) are conducive to the lifestyle and home you want.
From what I've learned here, here are some things to consider -
If you want to be in the relationship, I recommend reading and learning all you can about alcoholism and codependency - and get to some Alanon meetings. It will help you SO MUCH.
Know that he can relapse at any time. That's a terrifying thing to think about. Keep your eyes open for red flags, and if you see them, PLEASE PLEASE don't try to rationalize them to yourself. Your gut instincts are SO important! Should he relapse 2 years down the line, it will be much more difficult to leave than right now. That being said, nothing in life is a guarantee, and a couple of the best people I know are recovering alcoholics.
Know that his sobriety should be the MOST important thing in his life. You may feel that meetings and his friends in the program interfere with your relationship at times. Those are the times where what you learn in Alanon will help you let him take care of himself, while you take care of you.
Please take care of yourself and your needs first and foremost. Really can't stress that enough, and I know it sounds counter-productive to your question about supporting him. I promise, that taking care of yourself, your needs, and keeping your life and your happiness outside of him as well as with him are some of the best things you can do to support your relationship and his sobriety.
As far as saying or doing anything for him, I really think it is as simple as saying "let me know how I can support you and your recovery." And then do what you feel are within your boundaries and what is right for you also. We very easily can lose ourselves to them and their problems, and you can be proactive in preventing that very literal hell with some of the steps above.
Good luck - and check in here as often as you need to!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you shouldn't have to make any more adjustments to your life and your home with sober guy than you would any other new BF. HE is in charge of HIS sobriety and if having alcohol around makes him uncomfortable, he needs to speak up. he's not a toddler and you have to baby proof the house.
as others have said, it's likely he's involved in a program and that is really his life raft. reocvery isn't something we GET, it is something we work for.
even for those who go so far as to call themselves RECOVERED. that is only secure if they NEVER drink again.
take it slow, have fun. but be aware that even the nicest recovering alcoholic can make the decision to drink again.
as others have said, it's likely he's involved in a program and that is really his life raft. reocvery isn't something we GET, it is something we work for.
even for those who go so far as to call themselves RECOVERED. that is only secure if they NEVER drink again.
take it slow, have fun. but be aware that even the nicest recovering alcoholic can make the decision to drink again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm a recovering alcoholic (23 years) and had the worst relationship of my life with another recovering alcoholic. And, we both had ten years of sobriety under our belt. That said, I'd never say you shouldn't date someone in recovery because we're all different.
Here are a few suggestions:
Listen to what he says and if red flags emerge, pay attention. When we care about someone there's a tendency to believe they think like us.
Realize that sobriety must be his top priority and take precedent over any
relationship. But if he has a solid program, works the steps, has a sponsor
the only limitation he has is he can't drink.
Statistically most people don't stay sober so understand he may drink again. And if he does his ability to have a relationship decreases to zero.
It's your home and you should be able to have alcohol there. His recovery is 100% his responsibility so I suggest not mentioning it. Should a group activity like a wedding or party come up, where most people will be drinking, ask him how he feels about going. If he says it's fine, then go.
Good luck!
Here are a few suggestions:
Listen to what he says and if red flags emerge, pay attention. When we care about someone there's a tendency to believe they think like us.
Realize that sobriety must be his top priority and take precedent over any
relationship. But if he has a solid program, works the steps, has a sponsor
the only limitation he has is he can't drink.
Statistically most people don't stay sober so understand he may drink again. And if he does his ability to have a relationship decreases to zero.
It's your home and you should be able to have alcohol there. His recovery is 100% his responsibility so I suggest not mentioning it. Should a group activity like a wedding or party come up, where most people will be drinking, ask him how he feels about going. If he says it's fine, then go.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by Nash6115 
I do have alcohol in my home and am wondering if I should move this to a friend's house because he does come visit weekly.
I keep it out of sight but I still feel it may not be appropriate to have around.
I keep it out of sight but I still feel it may not be appropriate to have around.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Hey, ya'll its me Debbie Downer!
As NYC said "Realize that sobriety must be his top priority and take precedent over any relationship"
This is true. And it is also why I will never date an addict. I'm not changing my home or habits ever again. And if i can't have an normal equal relationship without him needing meetings and sponsors, then via con dios.
If they think or say for any reason or excuse their "sobriety" is in question, you will be dumped. Mostly the reason will be not being able to handle life and real emotions or relationships like an adult. Any protest on your part or expectation that he conduct himself like an adult will be boiled down to you being selfish or Codie. Handling a real relationship takes years to learn. 18 months is not a long time.
That said, nothing is impossible. And he may be ok. Just keep your eyes open.
As NYC said "Realize that sobriety must be his top priority and take precedent over any relationship"
This is true. And it is also why I will never date an addict. I'm not changing my home or habits ever again. And if i can't have an normal equal relationship without him needing meetings and sponsors, then via con dios.
If they think or say for any reason or excuse their "sobriety" is in question, you will be dumped. Mostly the reason will be not being able to handle life and real emotions or relationships like an adult. Any protest on your part or expectation that he conduct himself like an adult will be boiled down to you being selfish or Codie. Handling a real relationship takes years to learn. 18 months is not a long time.
That said, nothing is impossible. And he may be ok. Just keep your eyes open.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Nash, all I can say is that it would be advisable that you not rush into a serious/permanent relationship with a "sober" alcoholic.
I am not going to sugar-coat my response to you.
Truth: It doesn't matter whether booze is within eyesight or hidden from an alcoholic. If an alkie wants a drink; an alkie will will find one.
A "sober" alcoholic does not guarantee a smooth relationship.
It sounds like your guy is working a good program and that is admirable and I hope and pray that he never loses his sobriety.
However, as has been already been said on this thread; many (most) sober alkies slip and return to drinking. Some who slip may catch themselves and get sober (again) quite soon and others take longer to stop drinking again, and some never regain their sobriety.
Learn all you can about this baffling, cunning and potentially devastating disease. (Devastating to both the alkie and the alkie's loved ones.)
Because life as an active alcoholic, or as "dry alcoholic", and sometimes - life, even as a "recovering yet still struggling alcoholic" is not fun.
And TRUST ME, neither is life living with one of the above.
I am not going to sugar-coat my response to you.
Truth: It doesn't matter whether booze is within eyesight or hidden from an alcoholic. If an alkie wants a drink; an alkie will will find one.
A "sober" alcoholic does not guarantee a smooth relationship.
It sounds like your guy is working a good program and that is admirable and I hope and pray that he never loses his sobriety.
However, as has been already been said on this thread; many (most) sober alkies slip and return to drinking. Some who slip may catch themselves and get sober (again) quite soon and others take longer to stop drinking again, and some never regain their sobriety.
Learn all you can about this baffling, cunning and potentially devastating disease. (Devastating to both the alkie and the alkie's loved ones.)
Because life as an active alcoholic, or as "dry alcoholic", and sometimes - life, even as a "recovering yet still struggling alcoholic" is not fun.
And TRUST ME, neither is life living with one of the above.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My first husband has been sober for 35 years. I'm almost seven years sober, myself, and I know many, many alcoholics with good, solid long-term sobriety. I do know people who have relapsed after years and years of sobriety, but those tend to be people without a program, who "forget" that they are alcoholics and what it was like and what it takes to stay sober. The fact that he is sponsoring other guys is a VERY good sign that he takes his condition seriously and is treating it appropriately. Not everyone is involved in sponsorship, but those who are tend to be those who are highly committed and are continuing to be aware of the pitfalls along the sober path.
As for booze in the house, or drinking in front of him, my guess is that he won't have an issue with it. If you were to move in together, he might prefer not to keep alcohol in his home, but that is a very individual decision. I know people who have zero issue with it and I know those who feel uncomfortable with the idea of having it there. I don't keep it in my house and would prefer not to. I personally have no problem at all being around other people drinking. Though I'm not dating or in a relationship I think it would bother me to kiss or be intimate with someone who had been drinking. Again, it's an individual thing.
I'm assuming that since he is involved in sponsorship that honesty is very important to him, so I'd ask him. I'd be surprised if he had any requests other than maybe not wanting to taste/smell alcohol on you when you are in bed.
As for booze in the house, or drinking in front of him, my guess is that he won't have an issue with it. If you were to move in together, he might prefer not to keep alcohol in his home, but that is a very individual decision. I know people who have zero issue with it and I know those who feel uncomfortable with the idea of having it there. I don't keep it in my house and would prefer not to. I personally have no problem at all being around other people drinking. Though I'm not dating or in a relationship I think it would bother me to kiss or be intimate with someone who had been drinking. Again, it's an individual thing.
I'm assuming that since he is involved in sponsorship that honesty is very important to him, so I'd ask him. I'd be surprised if he had any requests other than maybe not wanting to taste/smell alcohol on you when you are in bed.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Dating a "sober" alcoholic always reminds me of the little poem
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
She was horrid!
There are many people with good long term sobriety. And there are many who lie about their time. When I told my sister and best childhood girlfriend who are both recovered alcoholic/ drug addicts that IF I dated a guy in recovery he'd have to have ten solid no relapse years before I'd even think about it. These two, both drug counsellors with masters degrees, felonies and at least 6 rehab stints between them laughed their butts off at me. Apparently it can happen, but my odds are better in Vegas. Sis is on marriage number three to another "old timer" .
First one is back stumbling in the streets we hear. Number 2 lost his job and decided to check out again and number 3? Well he got so stressed out over the wedding that he decided to get wasted do a a bit of driving and rob some stores. We'll see him again when he's released in five years. They were married 3 months when he was arrested.
Again, it's possible, but 18 months? Take the time you might with a normie guy and stretch it out x 10.. You've already become "rather attached" , just don't get taken hostage.
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
She was horrid!
There are many people with good long term sobriety. And there are many who lie about their time. When I told my sister and best childhood girlfriend who are both recovered alcoholic/ drug addicts that IF I dated a guy in recovery he'd have to have ten solid no relapse years before I'd even think about it. These two, both drug counsellors with masters degrees, felonies and at least 6 rehab stints between them laughed their butts off at me. Apparently it can happen, but my odds are better in Vegas. Sis is on marriage number three to another "old timer" .
First one is back stumbling in the streets we hear. Number 2 lost his job and decided to check out again and number 3? Well he got so stressed out over the wedding that he decided to get wasted do a a bit of driving and rob some stores. We'll see him again when he's released in five years. They were married 3 months when he was arrested.
Again, it's possible, but 18 months? Take the time you might with a normie guy and stretch it out x 10.. You've already become "rather attached" , just don't get taken hostage.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
