Looking for answers..please advise
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Temecula, CA
Posts: 9
Looking for answers..please advise
For the past several weeks I have been dealing with a break up that happened suddenly and was shocking to me. My high functioning alcoholic boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me several weeks ago and planned it all out ahead of time. He is 30 and I am 26 years old. Throughout our relationship we would talk about marriage, talks of children in our future, moving in together...etc. We fell in love with each other early on into our relationship, and we met through mutual friends. Everyone had wonderful things to say about him, but even at the beginning, I knew that he was dealing with addictions, mainly his alcohol addiction as he was the one who told me. He explained to me that it was something he was tired of and wanted to change. Our relationship moved faster than his efforts to get clean, his drinking was on and off. There were arguments every now and then about his drinking behavior, and at times he tried to get clean on his own as he had done in the past. During the time we have been together, he has told me that his addiction is much stronger than it used to be and getting cleaner has been much harder. As of late, I believe I have witnessed his rock bottom.
On several accounts (about 2 times or so), he has distanced himself from me, ignoring my phone calls or texts, has called me obsessed or that I am stressing him out when in reality, I was afraid or worried that he never woke up so much to the point that I'd reach out to his mom to check if she had heard from him. Our relationship became harder to be in when I moved away to Temecula for nursing school. As he lives two hours away, we were both busy with our work and the stresses of our professional lives and the distance were also negatively influencing our relationship. But mostly, I believe it was his addiction that ultimately tore us apart and possibly my inability to handle it well. All the promises he kept making me and then breaking slowly started to let me down and each time he would start to drink again I would either practice patience and understanding or show my bitterness and anger towards him...and then feel bad and apologize. It started to become a cycle that we would push under the rug. We have had many many happy moments together. We became very close, were always honest with one another, always forgiving, always understanding, extremely comfortable with one another, had a lot of fun together, etc. I thought and still think I met "the one for me" and he thought the same of me. We were so serious that within this past year and half, our parents and families had already spent several holidays together and the expectation of marriage was in our future. I don't know where things started to fall apart, or when he supposedly started to "fall out of love with me," but apparently, he realized this about a month ago. He states now that he told me lies of telling me what I'd want to hear, whatever these lies were. During this exact time, we talked about how things finally clicked for him and he started to attend NA meetings with his friend who has been sober for over 15 years. We talked about how I would attend meetings with him during my break from school and he mentioned that he would attend Al-anon meetings with me. We planned all of this...and then the weekend after my finals at school, he broke up with me..these plans we made and the break up were about 1-2 weeks of each other.Two days before he broke up with me, I had a very emotional outburst "eaaatttt somethiiiinnggg..." almost on the verge of tears, because we had spent a weekend together in Palm Springs with my family where he drank a lot, and although I understood and accepted his desire to drink that weekend because everyone else was, the anger and sadness inside of me built up near the end. When he did not want to eat, I snapped, cried, then went and apologized because I new that I had hurt him. The huge fear and concern I felt at that moment was unbearable, my boyfriend would rather drink than eat. That night, he had two panic attacks, I stayed up with him and took care of him, he left in the morning, told me he loved me, kissed me goodbye as he normally would. Two days later he broke up with me. Apparently, we were in an unhealthy relationship, and he needed to put himself first, get clean and sober and he stated that he'd have to remain an alcoholic if he would continue in a relationship with me. Mind you, several days before, he asked if I was his girl, a question that seemed so strange to me, held my hand at the dinner table, and many other actions that completely showed that he truly loved me and was still in love with me.
I have made my mistakes, I have not always handled his drinking behaviors well, as I have had some crying outbursts around 4 or 5 times in the past year and half but I have always done my absolute best to support him, understand his addiction, and be there for him any way that I can. I really truly think that I have been the best girlfriend I can be when I have had no previous "training" of being a girlfriend of an addict or even having an addict in my life.
About several days after we broke up, I started asking my questions, trying to get some clarity about what happened and why he broke up with me. He believes that we have been incompatible from the start which apparently he started to realize near the end, which is just plain bs to me. He also again stated that he would have to remain an alcoholic in order to be in a relationship with me which I also think is bs. It seems as though, he has completely pushed me away and has decided that it is best so that he can get clean and sober. I don't understand. And could it actually be possible that he fell out of love with me? His loving actions towards me the weekend prior and then his act of breaking up does not add up. None of this makes sense to me, and after spending so much time of trying to figure it out, I find myself here, reading posts of others who seemed to go through similar situations as I have, only that in my situation, he broke up with me and is actually clean and trying to stay clean.
Last I talked to him, which was several days ago, he stated that he was 16 days clean and that he could feel his cravings coming back strong. He stated that he was going to start going to an outpatient rehab 7 days a week and for however long it takes to stay clean and get sober. Later during that conversation, my emotions took a hold of me and I began to start cornering him and asking him questions again, trying to get him to see that I was never the problem, and that I was always here for support. The last thing he told me was that he had to go eat, and he promised that he would call me back. I haven't heard from him again since. I don't understand any of this. He is convinced that there is no hope in the future for us, that we are incompatible, and that I should move on.
I feel betrayed, I feel let down, the man I fully trusted I no longer know if I should have trusted, I don't know what lies he told me, I don't believe him for a second that he fell out of love or that we are incompatible, and it hurts me that he pushed me away when he finally decided to get his act together.
In my right mind, I am glad he is getting clean without involving me. I keep reading about how difficult it can be to be in a relationship with an addict who is in early stages of recovery. But what I don't understand is why cut off all hope and all contact? Have I done something wrong? Did he perhaps think that being in a unhealthy relationship as he calls it, would interfere with his recovery, so he broke it off?
I could not get him to see that it was his addiction that ultimately made our relationship unhealthy and that if it wasn't for his addiction, we would rarely have arguments and they would be about minute things.
I am still in love with him. I really care for him and truly want him to get better and am very happy that he is getting clean and sober for himself, he definitely deserves it. It is not something I want to interfere with. My prayer is that God continues to heal him, protect him, provide him with strength and the will to keep going, while I work on myself as well during this difficult time...and if in the future he sees that it's fitting for both of us to start fresh, then I would surely hope for that. But the waiting process is very difficult and I can't seem to find peace and rest in all these questions that I can't find answers to. It's been very difficult to let go and just wish for the best even when I'm thinking logically about the situation.
I guess I'm just asking for some clarity about his actions. Does anyone have any idea about what may be going on? Is this kind of shutting out typical? Do addicts suddenly start believing that they have fallen out of love with their significant others and they were never compatible to begin with? He said so much and did so much that contradicts his actions towards breaking our relationship off now, as in to say that, for all the love and support he's given to me, breaking it off was not something I thought he would ever do. Should I have any hope? Is it better that I just move on? I would appreciate any kind of response. Thank you in advance for all your help...
On several accounts (about 2 times or so), he has distanced himself from me, ignoring my phone calls or texts, has called me obsessed or that I am stressing him out when in reality, I was afraid or worried that he never woke up so much to the point that I'd reach out to his mom to check if she had heard from him. Our relationship became harder to be in when I moved away to Temecula for nursing school. As he lives two hours away, we were both busy with our work and the stresses of our professional lives and the distance were also negatively influencing our relationship. But mostly, I believe it was his addiction that ultimately tore us apart and possibly my inability to handle it well. All the promises he kept making me and then breaking slowly started to let me down and each time he would start to drink again I would either practice patience and understanding or show my bitterness and anger towards him...and then feel bad and apologize. It started to become a cycle that we would push under the rug. We have had many many happy moments together. We became very close, were always honest with one another, always forgiving, always understanding, extremely comfortable with one another, had a lot of fun together, etc. I thought and still think I met "the one for me" and he thought the same of me. We were so serious that within this past year and half, our parents and families had already spent several holidays together and the expectation of marriage was in our future. I don't know where things started to fall apart, or when he supposedly started to "fall out of love with me," but apparently, he realized this about a month ago. He states now that he told me lies of telling me what I'd want to hear, whatever these lies were. During this exact time, we talked about how things finally clicked for him and he started to attend NA meetings with his friend who has been sober for over 15 years. We talked about how I would attend meetings with him during my break from school and he mentioned that he would attend Al-anon meetings with me. We planned all of this...and then the weekend after my finals at school, he broke up with me..these plans we made and the break up were about 1-2 weeks of each other.Two days before he broke up with me, I had a very emotional outburst "eaaatttt somethiiiinnggg..." almost on the verge of tears, because we had spent a weekend together in Palm Springs with my family where he drank a lot, and although I understood and accepted his desire to drink that weekend because everyone else was, the anger and sadness inside of me built up near the end. When he did not want to eat, I snapped, cried, then went and apologized because I new that I had hurt him. The huge fear and concern I felt at that moment was unbearable, my boyfriend would rather drink than eat. That night, he had two panic attacks, I stayed up with him and took care of him, he left in the morning, told me he loved me, kissed me goodbye as he normally would. Two days later he broke up with me. Apparently, we were in an unhealthy relationship, and he needed to put himself first, get clean and sober and he stated that he'd have to remain an alcoholic if he would continue in a relationship with me. Mind you, several days before, he asked if I was his girl, a question that seemed so strange to me, held my hand at the dinner table, and many other actions that completely showed that he truly loved me and was still in love with me.
I have made my mistakes, I have not always handled his drinking behaviors well, as I have had some crying outbursts around 4 or 5 times in the past year and half but I have always done my absolute best to support him, understand his addiction, and be there for him any way that I can. I really truly think that I have been the best girlfriend I can be when I have had no previous "training" of being a girlfriend of an addict or even having an addict in my life.
About several days after we broke up, I started asking my questions, trying to get some clarity about what happened and why he broke up with me. He believes that we have been incompatible from the start which apparently he started to realize near the end, which is just plain bs to me. He also again stated that he would have to remain an alcoholic in order to be in a relationship with me which I also think is bs. It seems as though, he has completely pushed me away and has decided that it is best so that he can get clean and sober. I don't understand. And could it actually be possible that he fell out of love with me? His loving actions towards me the weekend prior and then his act of breaking up does not add up. None of this makes sense to me, and after spending so much time of trying to figure it out, I find myself here, reading posts of others who seemed to go through similar situations as I have, only that in my situation, he broke up with me and is actually clean and trying to stay clean.
Last I talked to him, which was several days ago, he stated that he was 16 days clean and that he could feel his cravings coming back strong. He stated that he was going to start going to an outpatient rehab 7 days a week and for however long it takes to stay clean and get sober. Later during that conversation, my emotions took a hold of me and I began to start cornering him and asking him questions again, trying to get him to see that I was never the problem, and that I was always here for support. The last thing he told me was that he had to go eat, and he promised that he would call me back. I haven't heard from him again since. I don't understand any of this. He is convinced that there is no hope in the future for us, that we are incompatible, and that I should move on.
I feel betrayed, I feel let down, the man I fully trusted I no longer know if I should have trusted, I don't know what lies he told me, I don't believe him for a second that he fell out of love or that we are incompatible, and it hurts me that he pushed me away when he finally decided to get his act together.
In my right mind, I am glad he is getting clean without involving me. I keep reading about how difficult it can be to be in a relationship with an addict who is in early stages of recovery. But what I don't understand is why cut off all hope and all contact? Have I done something wrong? Did he perhaps think that being in a unhealthy relationship as he calls it, would interfere with his recovery, so he broke it off?
I could not get him to see that it was his addiction that ultimately made our relationship unhealthy and that if it wasn't for his addiction, we would rarely have arguments and they would be about minute things.
I am still in love with him. I really care for him and truly want him to get better and am very happy that he is getting clean and sober for himself, he definitely deserves it. It is not something I want to interfere with. My prayer is that God continues to heal him, protect him, provide him with strength and the will to keep going, while I work on myself as well during this difficult time...and if in the future he sees that it's fitting for both of us to start fresh, then I would surely hope for that. But the waiting process is very difficult and I can't seem to find peace and rest in all these questions that I can't find answers to. It's been very difficult to let go and just wish for the best even when I'm thinking logically about the situation.
I guess I'm just asking for some clarity about his actions. Does anyone have any idea about what may be going on? Is this kind of shutting out typical? Do addicts suddenly start believing that they have fallen out of love with their significant others and they were never compatible to begin with? He said so much and did so much that contradicts his actions towards breaking our relationship off now, as in to say that, for all the love and support he's given to me, breaking it off was not something I thought he would ever do. Should I have any hope? Is it better that I just move on? I would appreciate any kind of response. Thank you in advance for all your help...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi there,
Sorry you are heartbroken.
I have to say, your relationship doesn't sound like the type dreams are made of.
You seem to have been walking on eggshells the entire time, trying to decode him and not rock the boat too much. Meanwhile suppressing your own needs (like open communication and predictable contact, both normal) to keep the relationship afloat. So when you have 'outbursts' as you call them, it is probably your own true feelings and needs bubbling to the surface because you just can't pretend anymore. That is such hard work, you shouldn't have to 'work' like that.
Whether he is an alcoholic or not, it just doesn't sound right to me. It sounds very unbalanced (with you doing all of the work).
I'm not saying he doesn't or didn't love you. But look at his actions. That's really the only thing you have to go on right now.
I'm not sure why you are wanting to get back together with someone who has treated you pretty poorly.
As for the shutting down/no contact, I would say that may be related to the addiction or maybe it's just him. Maybe you will never figure it out. And try not to spend too much time trying and more time accepting what is.
The only thing you can do as of now is to move on. And understand that nothing you could have done would have changed him, his drinking or the relationship. We all act in ways we aren't proud of, no one needs to be perfect to be deserving of love or a good relationship. Please give yourself a break because you sound like you are being really hard on yourself.
Even though you can't see it now, it is probably a good thing that you didn't get married.
Sorry you are heartbroken.
I have to say, your relationship doesn't sound like the type dreams are made of.
You seem to have been walking on eggshells the entire time, trying to decode him and not rock the boat too much. Meanwhile suppressing your own needs (like open communication and predictable contact, both normal) to keep the relationship afloat. So when you have 'outbursts' as you call them, it is probably your own true feelings and needs bubbling to the surface because you just can't pretend anymore. That is such hard work, you shouldn't have to 'work' like that.
Whether he is an alcoholic or not, it just doesn't sound right to me. It sounds very unbalanced (with you doing all of the work).
I'm not saying he doesn't or didn't love you. But look at his actions. That's really the only thing you have to go on right now.
I'm not sure why you are wanting to get back together with someone who has treated you pretty poorly.
As for the shutting down/no contact, I would say that may be related to the addiction or maybe it's just him. Maybe you will never figure it out. And try not to spend too much time trying and more time accepting what is.
The only thing you can do as of now is to move on. And understand that nothing you could have done would have changed him, his drinking or the relationship. We all act in ways we aren't proud of, no one needs to be perfect to be deserving of love or a good relationship. Please give yourself a break because you sound like you are being really hard on yourself.
Even though you can't see it now, it is probably a good thing that you didn't get married.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by maybear 
Even though you can't see it now, it is probably a good thing that you didn't get married.
I second the suggestion that you stop trying to analyze the breakup. Whatever the reason--his alcoholism, the relationship in general, or some combination thereof--he broke up with you. It happens. I've had a broken engagement and breakups of other long-term relationships where alcohol was not in the picture at all. Sometimes people just feel like the relationship isn't "right" for them, and that's a perfectly valid reason for breaking up, too. No fault involved.
So you need to grieve the breakup and come to a place of acceptance. You're a very young woman and you have a lot of possibilities ahead of you. Staying stuck emotionally on a failed relationship is not where you want to spend too much time.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
I practically wrote your post a year ago. Seriously, take a look at my threads. In the end, he told me he had broken up with me because he thought he was having a psychotic break and wanted me safely out of harms way.
I wish I had stayed away. That year was so so hard but althoughwe got back ttogether, in some ways it's harder because I am chicken about leaving. I thought I knew him but you know what? Alcoholics lie. Big ones. They hide the awful things they do both drunk and sober. They often have other issues such as dodgy porn preferences or sex addiction or chasing prostitutes or taking other drugs. And thats just my discoveries in the last six months.
Believe him as he has shown you. Lying, manipilating, drinking. Now you are free of him I know exactly how devastating the pain is and how long it can last. But honestly, in some ways it's better than having your picture of him slowly eroded and battered.
I wish I had stayed away. That year was so so hard but althoughwe got back ttogether, in some ways it's harder because I am chicken about leaving. I thought I knew him but you know what? Alcoholics lie. Big ones. They hide the awful things they do both drunk and sober. They often have other issues such as dodgy porn preferences or sex addiction or chasing prostitutes or taking other drugs. And thats just my discoveries in the last six months.
Believe him as he has shown you. Lying, manipilating, drinking. Now you are free of him I know exactly how devastating the pain is and how long it can last. But honestly, in some ways it's better than having your picture of him slowly eroded and battered.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
here's what i know for sure - when one person in a relationship says it OVER.....then it's over.
you can either accept the reasons he gave for ending things, or waste a whole lot of your precious time trying to find a reason that makes you feel better.
sometimes in order for addicts to really get their teeth into recovery, they need to leave all the people places and things related to their addiction behind. like it or not, you were a part of his addiction. he was basically under the influence the entire course of your relationship.
most breakups hurt. especially for the one who didn't initiate the breakup. did he handle it well? probably not. but the end result is the same.
you can either accept the reasons he gave for ending things, or waste a whole lot of your precious time trying to find a reason that makes you feel better.
sometimes in order for addicts to really get their teeth into recovery, they need to leave all the people places and things related to their addiction behind. like it or not, you were a part of his addiction. he was basically under the influence the entire course of your relationship.
most breakups hurt. especially for the one who didn't initiate the breakup. did he handle it well? probably not. but the end result is the same.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
when one person in a relationship says it OVER.....then it's over.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Oxford, England
Posts: 38
looking for answers - please advise
You've done nothing wrong. Your behaviours are not the reason this guy has finished with you. He only has a finite amount of energy and a lot of that will have to go towards trying to kick the addiction. He realises that he cannot maintain a relationship and get clean. He has decided that now is the right time for him to tackle the addiction.
My recommendation is to join Al-Anon and attend regularly. Focus on yourself and getting your life back on track without this guy. Sometimes the man we love the most is not the best person to marry. Your pain, your sense of loss will gradually lessen. Have faith. Jezzebelle
My recommendation is to join Al-Anon and attend regularly. Focus on yourself and getting your life back on track without this guy. Sometimes the man we love the most is not the best person to marry. Your pain, your sense of loss will gradually lessen. Have faith. Jezzebelle
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Of course you feel betrayed, and let down. I completely understand your need for clarity.
Unfortunately the clarity comes when you are able to accept the fact that active addicts are emotional unavailable partners. The alcohol is controlling his every breath, every thought, every action.
Certainly doesn't leave much room for a healthy relationship to prosper. Currently, the booze will win everytime.
Sorry you are currently hurting.
Hope you continue to read around the message boards , lots of factual information regarding addiction.
Best I can offer, put some distance between the two of you, allow him the dignity to figure it our for himself, it's his issue, and all the love in the world cannot cure it for him.
Unfortunately the clarity comes when you are able to accept the fact that active addicts are emotional unavailable partners. The alcohol is controlling his every breath, every thought, every action.
Certainly doesn't leave much room for a healthy relationship to prosper. Currently, the booze will win everytime.
Sorry you are currently hurting.
Hope you continue to read around the message boards , lots of factual information regarding addiction.
Best I can offer, put some distance between the two of you, allow him the dignity to figure it our for himself, it's his issue, and all the love in the world cannot cure it for him.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
(((Hugs))))
You gave your heart and he gave it back. It hurts like acid now and will for sometime, but it won't forever. Don't kill yourself trying to find a sane explination for the behavior of an insane man. Addicts reject and abandon.. It is the nature of the beast. I believe there is a stickie to that effect. It is what they do. They don't think like rational people. 9 times out of 10 they break up with us because they want to drink and drug. Un watched, unchallenged and Un questioned.
They come up with some high sounding reasons, but it's mainly BS. They have one love and one only, their DOC. You may never get an answer. His family may be just as confused. BUT you do get another chance to find a healthy non-addict to build the life that you want with. Heal and move on with a good and deserving guy. So, my strongest advice to you is DONT WAIT FOR HIM! LIVE YOUR LIFE!! I loved my ex with all of my heart. I, like you, wanted nothing but his healing. I prayed for him, visited him in rehab, went to the so called bs family meetings and supported him left, right and center. He dumped me for an addict girl he met in the rehab. Like you, out of nowhere. They went straight from rehab to their own little love nest and are planning a family. Yeah, that's not too risky. It is only in the past couple weeks that I can think of him without wanting him stuffed into a wood chipper. Fargo? Anyone? Great movie! But I digress.
There is tons of material that explains the addict mind. But in a nutshell, they do what they do because they are seriously F'd up in the head. And there isn't a dang thing that we can do about it but save ourselves. Which is what you must do so that when all of this is a bad dream, you will not drag baggage into the life of mr. Good and deserving. Or you will have vision and strength to run a mile if the next guy is covered in red flags. one day you will look back and your prayer will be "thank you God it's over!"
You gave your heart and he gave it back. It hurts like acid now and will for sometime, but it won't forever. Don't kill yourself trying to find a sane explination for the behavior of an insane man. Addicts reject and abandon.. It is the nature of the beast. I believe there is a stickie to that effect. It is what they do. They don't think like rational people. 9 times out of 10 they break up with us because they want to drink and drug. Un watched, unchallenged and Un questioned.
They come up with some high sounding reasons, but it's mainly BS. They have one love and one only, their DOC. You may never get an answer. His family may be just as confused. BUT you do get another chance to find a healthy non-addict to build the life that you want with. Heal and move on with a good and deserving guy. So, my strongest advice to you is DONT WAIT FOR HIM! LIVE YOUR LIFE!! I loved my ex with all of my heart. I, like you, wanted nothing but his healing. I prayed for him, visited him in rehab, went to the so called bs family meetings and supported him left, right and center. He dumped me for an addict girl he met in the rehab. Like you, out of nowhere. They went straight from rehab to their own little love nest and are planning a family. Yeah, that's not too risky. It is only in the past couple weeks that I can think of him without wanting him stuffed into a wood chipper. Fargo? Anyone? Great movie! But I digress.
There is tons of material that explains the addict mind. But in a nutshell, they do what they do because they are seriously F'd up in the head. And there isn't a dang thing that we can do about it but save ourselves. Which is what you must do so that when all of this is a bad dream, you will not drag baggage into the life of mr. Good and deserving. Or you will have vision and strength to run a mile if the next guy is covered in red flags. one day you will look back and your prayer will be "thank you God it's over!"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
this happened to me too hon. <3 **{HUGS }} I am so sorry. You want to know why, you are so confused and lost. Some of the people here say it is over like any other relationship so deal, but it isn't that simple with an A. The time and energy and all the work and forgiveness and all the work and the trying to make everything good and all the WORK!! get the pic? way to much work hon. Mine is still fresh and it hurts, he is sober now, so I am thankful for that. But you are left feeling empty inside. We tried our best, we thought we would be the ones that they would get sober for. ... oh hon.... it just doesn't work like that and in the end, you may not get an answer. I never did, and I am not waiting anymore. please feel free to message me if you ever want to talk. I am so sorry. I know how it feels. much love to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Temecula, CA
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by maybear
I have to say, your relationship doesn't sound like the type dreams are made of.
Anyway, thank you for your response, you are certainly right in that I have to spend time accepting what has happened and stop fighting it. On the other hand, I really can't agree with you on that my relationship with him wasn't the type that dreams are made of. It was just the last month that all of this actually happened. What upsets me is that I wish he was much more honest about how he was feeling and would communicate that to me. In the end, I think that's what pushed him to make the decision to break it off without even talking to me beforehand. And I had a thought this morning that he must have felt extremely overwhelmed with his addiction that any thought of a relationship was too difficult to bear. But from the get go, he treated me like an absolute princess. So if you had seen us together, trust me, you would have thought that this is the kind of relationship that dreams are made of. Ultimately, I think, his addiction got a hold of him, really started to bring him down, and it ended up tearing our relationship apart.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Temecula, CA
Posts: 9
Thank you iGirl66, what you said really affected me positively. I hear you.
The same idea has crossed my mind and I fear that it may happen. That he will find some girl in rehab and start dating her. And I think to myself, that really can't be a healthy relationship. But for some reason I doubt this could ever happen with him. He said to me with his own words, "i am f***ed up. I need to work on myself. All the relationships I have been in from my past and with you as well have turned out to be unhealthy, and it seems like I am the common one in all of them." It's because I still love him fiercely, that I worry about him. I believe that he can get better, I know he is really trying. Unfortunately, I wish and hope that, like you had it seems, that he will come running back when all is well with him. In all honesty, I certainly don't want a guy in my life who is messed up and bringing me down. And I did tell him that breaking things off was maybe the best thing for us. But I also said that I would have preferred a break rather than "it's over." And he keeps saying is that there is no hope. He has never been this way and it is such strange behavior. He has always been strong, has his own business which he runs on his own and is very successful in, has always been giving, loves his family so much, loves my family, and has shown me so much love. Now he wants to take care of himself, but has pushed me away. It's a selfish act and he knows that he is being selfish as he told me "I need to be very selfish right now." And I can accept everything that has happened, for the good of him, so that he can get better. But what I cannot wrap my head around is why break things off with me. I guess the only explanation is the one you have already given, that addicts do irrational things. I know I have to move on and live my life...I am doing my best to do that. I am a nursing student and have so much to distract myself with and there is no way in hell that I will fail or give up. I owe it to myself to get thru school with flying colors and become the best damn nurse I can be. I guess in my heart of hearts though, I pray and hope that he will eventually come to his senses and come back to me when he is well. I am not at that place in my life that I can say that I am ready for someone else. The idea makes me want to vomit.
The same idea has crossed my mind and I fear that it may happen. That he will find some girl in rehab and start dating her. And I think to myself, that really can't be a healthy relationship. But for some reason I doubt this could ever happen with him. He said to me with his own words, "i am f***ed up. I need to work on myself. All the relationships I have been in from my past and with you as well have turned out to be unhealthy, and it seems like I am the common one in all of them." It's because I still love him fiercely, that I worry about him. I believe that he can get better, I know he is really trying. Unfortunately, I wish and hope that, like you had it seems, that he will come running back when all is well with him. In all honesty, I certainly don't want a guy in my life who is messed up and bringing me down. And I did tell him that breaking things off was maybe the best thing for us. But I also said that I would have preferred a break rather than "it's over." And he keeps saying is that there is no hope. He has never been this way and it is such strange behavior. He has always been strong, has his own business which he runs on his own and is very successful in, has always been giving, loves his family so much, loves my family, and has shown me so much love. Now he wants to take care of himself, but has pushed me away. It's a selfish act and he knows that he is being selfish as he told me "I need to be very selfish right now." And I can accept everything that has happened, for the good of him, so that he can get better. But what I cannot wrap my head around is why break things off with me. I guess the only explanation is the one you have already given, that addicts do irrational things. I know I have to move on and live my life...I am doing my best to do that. I am a nursing student and have so much to distract myself with and there is no way in hell that I will fail or give up. I owe it to myself to get thru school with flying colors and become the best damn nurse I can be. I guess in my heart of hearts though, I pray and hope that he will eventually come to his senses and come back to me when he is well. I am not at that place in my life that I can say that I am ready for someone else. The idea makes me want to vomit.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Temecula, CA
Posts: 9
Thank you daydreamer0217. I feel your love!
You are absolutely right, it is NOTHING like a break up with a non addict guy. I have been through break ups before, and it does not even get close to the amount of pain, anger, sadness, helplessness that I have felt thus far.
You are right, it was a lot of work. I would tell him at times, "i'm tired." What struck me the hardest was that I would not have given up, but he did. And it really brought up my hopes that everything was going to get a lot better when he said that things finally clicked. He told me how much he loved going to the meeting he went to. We made plans to go to meetings together, etc etc. And then just a "it's over." Like....what?!?! But we were just talking about going to meetings together a week ago....
It's all so confusing.
You are absolutely right, it is NOTHING like a break up with a non addict guy. I have been through break ups before, and it does not even get close to the amount of pain, anger, sadness, helplessness that I have felt thus far.
You are right, it was a lot of work. I would tell him at times, "i'm tired." What struck me the hardest was that I would not have given up, but he did. And it really brought up my hopes that everything was going to get a lot better when he said that things finally clicked. He told me how much he loved going to the meeting he went to. We made plans to go to meetings together, etc etc. And then just a "it's over." Like....what?!?! But we were just talking about going to meetings together a week ago....
It's all so confusing.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
I hate to say this but I think you have 2 choices here. 1. Spend the next few years agonizing over why he did this to you or 2. Spend the next few years realizing that this was the best thing he could have done for you.
It may be hard to understand now but you have been given a gift. Accept it. Move on. And start living your OWN life.
It may be hard to understand now but you have been given a gift. Accept it. Move on. And start living your OWN life.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Posts: 9
confused
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
With alcoholics especially it's not what they say, it's what they do.
I have to say, I'm confused.
Up until the last day I saw him, he kissed me. He cuddled with me. Even the last couple days in Palm springs, we spent many happy moments together. We danced, we laughed, we played. He truly showed me so much love...I really can't say he doesn't still love me or fell out of love. I think it's all BS when he says that there is no hope or that we were incompatible. Nothing shows that we were incompatible. Everything shows that his addiction was what ripped us apart...and it still would have if he was in a relationship with anyone else.
He even had a very difficult time putting away the things he had laying around that reminded him of us. A person who is ready to move on, breaks things off, and states that we are incompatible...probably wouldn't have had much trouble with any of that...and probably would have distanced himself quite a bit with me if he did not love me. But he did not do that at all. In fact, the last month, we spent a lot of time facetiming as much as we could. He would call me to just tell me that he loves me and is wondering how I'm doing. and etc etc...Even after our break up, he called me to see how I was doing. He knew that I was going to start school and knew that it would be difficult for me to start with all the break up stuff going on.
So if it's not what they say...and rather what they do...his actions seem to show that he still cherished our relationship and loved me very much.
This is exactly what I don't understand. I know I am spending time trying to figure it all out and everyone has told me to stop and just accept it, but how am I supposed to do that?
Is there any sense in waiting to see what happens, to see if he comes to his senses? Clearly, I can't reason with him now, but I do wonder if he will see what I see sooner than later.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by tdt918
I know I am spending time trying to figure it all out and everyone has told me to stop and just accept it, but how am I supposed to do that?
I know you're new to the forum and I wonder if you've had a chance to read around on other threads here and to check out the stickies at the top of the page? This is a good one to start with from the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
The reason I suggest you read around on the forums and check out the stickies is that right now your view and your focus is a narrow laser point, on your ex, and everything feels very personal (and why wouldn't it?). I think once you start reading other stories and seeing how similar they are to yours and to each other, you'll start to gain some perspective on your situation and understand things in a different way.
Not that this will erase your pain instantly--it will take time to heal, and as a wise member once said here, "time takes time." But I think if you do this, you'll start to see things differently, about him, about the breakup, and most importantly, about yourself.
Wishing you success in nursing school!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Hi tdt! Wow, your situation sounds like mine, starting back in March! I'm slowly healing and you will heal at your own pace when you are ready!!
My suggestion is to attend Alanon as much as possible! And read around the forums, possibly codependent no more (it's a fabulous book!) what can you do to take care of YOU?
By the way it's so hard to see it now, but it is a blessing that he left. He did you a favor, you will see this eventually! Hugs, very tight hugs to you!
My suggestion is to attend Alanon as much as possible! And read around the forums, possibly codependent no more (it's a fabulous book!) what can you do to take care of YOU?
By the way it's so hard to see it now, but it is a blessing that he left. He did you a favor, you will see this eventually! Hugs, very tight hugs to you!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Oxford, England
Posts: 38
I am not at that place in my life that I can say that I am ready for someone else.
hello tdt918, you've received a lot of useful advice. At this time you are still feeling the shock of the breakup and you cannot avoid the pain, the anguish, the hurt and the confusion. You are grieving for what you thought was once there and for a relationship that has unexpectedly ended. You are bound to feel sad and cheated.
All these feelings will pass. Concentrating on your studies will really help you move on. Al Anon will help you move on. Letting him go will help you move on but I guess that letting him go will feel impossible so I offer you the phrase I found so helpful...."Detach, with love."
All these feelings will pass. Concentrating on your studies will really help you move on. Al Anon will help you move on. Letting him go will help you move on but I guess that letting him go will feel impossible so I offer you the phrase I found so helpful...."Detach, with love."
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