Feeling so guilty
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Feeling so guilty
Hi, family. Here I am again, scared, confused and feeling so so guilty. Please help me snap out of it 
My AH went to two different rehabs, relapsing shortly thereafter, never finishing treatment. He lied to me (should have known better) that he got a Vivitrol shot in his last rehab and begged to come home earlier - oh, I cannot take this anymore, oh, I know it all, blah, blah, blah. I read so much about Vivitrol shot, and it seems that once they get it, they can't get high on heroin (his drug of choice). He came back from his last rehab, relapsed the NEXT day and fessed up that he lied about getting Vivitrol shot in rehab just to get back. He begged and enrolled in PHP program, where he started (without telling me) taking suboxone and also buying it off people there to abuse it (because sub is also his DOC in large quantities). To get the first shot is such a hussle apparently in my state and you have to wait for 2 weeks to get it because you have to be free of suboxone. The deal was you get the shot and until that you don't drive. We thought it would take just 2 weeks but it ended up being over a month. During this time AH tried to manipulate me into giving him the car several times, and managed to get out twice to the 'store', but who knows. He was put on Naltroxine pills before the shot which made him very ill. I have googled and just couldn't understand how he was so sick. Anyway, come to find out he never quit sub, as he was buying it off people. Well, he got the shot last Thursday. It has been hell. He is very aggressive, blows up constantly, yells and cusses. He is crazy. And he can't sleep and it looks like he is withdrawing from something. I didn't make a connection that he might be using something again. After 5 years with him it still blows me that he can be THAT self destructing. Can you imagine knowing that you got Vivitrol shot, which can make you very sick if you have any opiates in you and still do it?
Anyway, today his enabler mother gave him $200 to fix his car. And he is off to the races. He left his phone and i found out that he has been doing searches on basically how to combine Vivitrol and suboxone. How to get f-p still on Vivitrol basically. He left with the money, came back several hours later angry and mean. I just lost it honestly and was crying. We went to walk the dogs and I tried to talk to him, I didn't yell or scream. I said that I know that he has been mixing drugs and Vivitrol, that's why he can't sleep, that's why he is sick all the time. Please, what is wrong with you (yes, stupid me). He blew up, called me every name in the book, yelling if I don't STFU right now he is going to LEAVE. I cried. I should have just walked away, right? And let him be? But I just couldn't. I don't know why. I said I love you and I don't want you to die or overdose. He got in his car, called me a b**** and left. He has not come home tonight.
I am so so scared that he is going to overdose. He would have to shoot alot of dope to feel high (something that he also searched in google on his phone). He has been telling me lately that he just wants to overdose, or that he can't take this sobriety thing and just is going to die using. Is this my fault? What if he dies? I mean, sobriety is hard, but of course it is harder if you are not clean and pretending to be clean and I KNOW. I KNOW EVERYTIME.
I am very scared. At the same time, I am not crying anymore, not searching for him, I truly feel that I have done everything I could for him. Vivitrol was my last hope. I hoped he would stick with it. He is just not ready and doesn't want to get sober. My daugher today said that she doesn't want him in the house anymore because he is mean to me and he yells at me and doesn't do anything for us. My other children are also traumatized I am sure.
I am working a good program myself, I have a great sponsor. I am ready to let him go. But this feeling of guilt is so powerful. I feel that I am responsible for him and that it is MY fault he is out there killing himself. How would I live with myself if he dies? I am sorry for this depressing chit. Sorry
My AH went to two different rehabs, relapsing shortly thereafter, never finishing treatment. He lied to me (should have known better) that he got a Vivitrol shot in his last rehab and begged to come home earlier - oh, I cannot take this anymore, oh, I know it all, blah, blah, blah. I read so much about Vivitrol shot, and it seems that once they get it, they can't get high on heroin (his drug of choice). He came back from his last rehab, relapsed the NEXT day and fessed up that he lied about getting Vivitrol shot in rehab just to get back. He begged and enrolled in PHP program, where he started (without telling me) taking suboxone and also buying it off people there to abuse it (because sub is also his DOC in large quantities). To get the first shot is such a hussle apparently in my state and you have to wait for 2 weeks to get it because you have to be free of suboxone. The deal was you get the shot and until that you don't drive. We thought it would take just 2 weeks but it ended up being over a month. During this time AH tried to manipulate me into giving him the car several times, and managed to get out twice to the 'store', but who knows. He was put on Naltroxine pills before the shot which made him very ill. I have googled and just couldn't understand how he was so sick. Anyway, come to find out he never quit sub, as he was buying it off people. Well, he got the shot last Thursday. It has been hell. He is very aggressive, blows up constantly, yells and cusses. He is crazy. And he can't sleep and it looks like he is withdrawing from something. I didn't make a connection that he might be using something again. After 5 years with him it still blows me that he can be THAT self destructing. Can you imagine knowing that you got Vivitrol shot, which can make you very sick if you have any opiates in you and still do it? Anyway, today his enabler mother gave him $200 to fix his car. And he is off to the races. He left his phone and i found out that he has been doing searches on basically how to combine Vivitrol and suboxone. How to get f-p still on Vivitrol basically. He left with the money, came back several hours later angry and mean. I just lost it honestly and was crying. We went to walk the dogs and I tried to talk to him, I didn't yell or scream. I said that I know that he has been mixing drugs and Vivitrol, that's why he can't sleep, that's why he is sick all the time. Please, what is wrong with you (yes, stupid me). He blew up, called me every name in the book, yelling if I don't STFU right now he is going to LEAVE. I cried. I should have just walked away, right? And let him be? But I just couldn't. I don't know why. I said I love you and I don't want you to die or overdose. He got in his car, called me a b**** and left. He has not come home tonight.
I am so so scared that he is going to overdose. He would have to shoot alot of dope to feel high (something that he also searched in google on his phone). He has been telling me lately that he just wants to overdose, or that he can't take this sobriety thing and just is going to die using. Is this my fault? What if he dies? I mean, sobriety is hard, but of course it is harder if you are not clean and pretending to be clean and I KNOW. I KNOW EVERYTIME.
I am very scared. At the same time, I am not crying anymore, not searching for him, I truly feel that I have done everything I could for him. Vivitrol was my last hope. I hoped he would stick with it. He is just not ready and doesn't want to get sober. My daugher today said that she doesn't want him in the house anymore because he is mean to me and he yells at me and doesn't do anything for us. My other children are also traumatized I am sure.
I am working a good program myself, I have a great sponsor. I am ready to let him go. But this feeling of guilt is so powerful. I feel that I am responsible for him and that it is MY fault he is out there killing himself. How would I live with myself if he dies? I am sorry for this depressing chit. Sorry
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Honey, how can you do more than you've done already. Step back and think about his behaviour lately. He's been presented with several opportunities to stop using, along with your support and love, and he's not taken one of them. Even worse, he's used all his cunning to fight help. What more could you do?
Your work now is to remove your children, who have no choice (unlike you and him) as to what they're exposed to. They are caught in chaos, worried about hearing their Mom abused, and they're stuck there until you end it. They're also having adult behaviour (his) modelled as addictive, out of control and nasty. The girls are picking up that you put up with all sorts of rubbish and still feel guilty.
Can you accept that your guilt is irrational, that you might feel it but you will power through it anyway, with the help of your program and sponsor.
Your work now is to remove your children, who have no choice (unlike you and him) as to what they're exposed to. They are caught in chaos, worried about hearing their Mom abused, and they're stuck there until you end it. They're also having adult behaviour (his) modelled as addictive, out of control and nasty. The girls are picking up that you put up with all sorts of rubbish and still feel guilty.
Can you accept that your guilt is irrational, that you might feel it but you will power through it anyway, with the help of your program and sponsor.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you. I feel better, its just its a cycle. He is going to crawl back because he has nowhere to sleep, I will feel bad calling the cops, he is going to promise to leave and leave to some rehab just to come back again. I know, I know I have the power to break this cycle. Just have to stay strong and hold my boundaries.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If you are the one buying him the dope and shoving them down his throat then sure you own that guilt but if not then it’s not yours to own.
BUT what is yours to own is the guilt of putting your children through his torment and them being traumatized from it.
Yes you do have the power to break this toxic cycle and offer a better a life to your children free from drugs and horrific scary behavior it causes.
BUT what is yours to own is the guilt of putting your children through his torment and them being traumatized from it.
Yes you do have the power to break this toxic cycle and offer a better a life to your children free from drugs and horrific scary behavior it causes.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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I am so so scared that he is going to overdose. He would have to shoot alot of dope to feel high (something that he also searched in google on his phone). He has been telling me lately that he just wants to overdose, or that he can't take this sobriety thing and just is going to die using. Is this my fault? What if he dies? I mean, sobriety is hard, but of course it is harder if you are not clean and pretending to be clean and I KNOW. I KNOW EVERYTIME.
We simply do not have that kind of power over people. His decisions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. If he doesn't want to embrace recovery on his own, that's his choice. There is nothing you can do.
So, protect yourself. It's that simple.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Glitter, let's go back to the basics. You did not cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this. Get that drilled in your head.
Honey, if your children are saying that they don't want him home, and you think they are traumatized, listen to them. They deserve more, so do you.
Tight, very tight, hugs.
Honey, if your children are saying that they don't want him home, and you think they are traumatized, listen to them. They deserve more, so do you.
Tight, very tight, hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
now is the time to focus on your children. they've been shoved off to the side due to all the antics and drug seeking behavior of the addict. he tears thru their young lives, ranting, raving, getting high, blowing $$, screaming at their mother.....NO CHILD deserves that. you gave your AH plenty enough time and attention and support, and he is NOT interested.....in the least. he could care less about you, the kids, his mother, all he cares about is the next hit.
he's had every chance. but the kids.....they haven't had much of a chance to live in a peaceful serene safe environment. it's been chaos. and they are learning all the wrong lessons about life, and how people treat each other and what is acceptable.
family counseling, minus the AH, is definitely worth considering. childhood trauma lasts long into adulthood.
he's had every chance. but the kids.....they haven't had much of a chance to live in a peaceful serene safe environment. it's been chaos. and they are learning all the wrong lessons about life, and how people treat each other and what is acceptable.
family counseling, minus the AH, is definitely worth considering. childhood trauma lasts long into adulthood.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you everyone, I needed to hear this. Its day 2 for me. Very hard. He showed up at 7 am, looking weird. Not heroin weird, but very up and aggressive. Kids were getting up for school, so I didnt want to have huge blowout in front of them and pretended like, its ok. Once the kids left for school, I said you have to leave he blew up. Tried to give me some bs story that he did go to his heroin buddies, but only one was there and he bought him dinner and didn't do any drugs and then slept in his car and here he is. Just a completely crazy explanation. When I tried to question it, he blew up. He yelled through every word , calling me names. Honestly, he is not aggressive person and usually heroin makes him mellow. This stuff, I mean he is SCARY. So he leaves, not taking anything with him. Then comes back, his mother talks to him, comes down, takes his stuff this time and leaves. In the evening wrote me some messages, which made little sense, looked like he was very high on something. But basically was very agreeable and yes, let's separate, you deserve better, let's be civil, I am moving with my brother, just let me pick up the rest of my stuff. I mean, we have been together for 5 years and its alot of stuff. So I said sure, lets arrange something when I am not home. I don't care what he takes. I have nothing left, really. So I am thinking this is it.
However, this happened before several times. When he would all of the sudden change his mind and show up super high, dying, on my doorstep. And I feel too bad calling the police. Codependency at it's finest basically. I know he is high, I know he blew up all the chances, I know his behavior is totally crazy and not acceptable. I know it and how do you get through this hell? I read stories on here and it breaks my heart - love stories over, families broken, deaths, cheating, shattered hearts. The thing is I have no more energy in me, nothing left to endure anymore pain. I am so broken and depressed and alone and in pain that anymore of it and I will tip over to the other side of insanity. Does it make sense? Have you all felt this way? I guess somehow people on here make it through all of that.
What hold me together right now is my girls. They asked today - where is he? When is he coming back? How sick is this? They miss him even though they know he is up to no good? My oldest had an end of the year concert today, she has a beautiful voice, but she is so shy. So she doesn't want to try out for the lead roles. Says she will never make it. My mother gave her a really nice guitar for her birthday, but I never got her any guitar classes. Because of course, i am broke because everything goes into saving AH. So today, as I am sitting in this concert, I see my daugher, this beautiful 12 year old girl sitting with her mates and this girl on the stage is singing and playing guitar. And it dawned on me - God, what an assh*le I am. She needs me! She could have been singing and playing guitar on stage today if I only spent time with her, and put as much effort as i do in AH. She was watching this lead singer's every move. I could hardly hold my tears. This is what holds me. I need to give love to my girls, they are the ones who need saving, not AH. So, I am praying everything works out.
However, this happened before several times. When he would all of the sudden change his mind and show up super high, dying, on my doorstep. And I feel too bad calling the police. Codependency at it's finest basically. I know he is high, I know he blew up all the chances, I know his behavior is totally crazy and not acceptable. I know it and how do you get through this hell? I read stories on here and it breaks my heart - love stories over, families broken, deaths, cheating, shattered hearts. The thing is I have no more energy in me, nothing left to endure anymore pain. I am so broken and depressed and alone and in pain that anymore of it and I will tip over to the other side of insanity. Does it make sense? Have you all felt this way? I guess somehow people on here make it through all of that.
What hold me together right now is my girls. They asked today - where is he? When is he coming back? How sick is this? They miss him even though they know he is up to no good? My oldest had an end of the year concert today, she has a beautiful voice, but she is so shy. So she doesn't want to try out for the lead roles. Says she will never make it. My mother gave her a really nice guitar for her birthday, but I never got her any guitar classes. Because of course, i am broke because everything goes into saving AH. So today, as I am sitting in this concert, I see my daugher, this beautiful 12 year old girl sitting with her mates and this girl on the stage is singing and playing guitar. And it dawned on me - God, what an assh*le I am. She needs me! She could have been singing and playing guitar on stage today if I only spent time with her, and put as much effort as i do in AH. She was watching this lead singer's every move. I could hardly hold my tears. This is what holds me. I need to give love to my girls, they are the ones who need saving, not AH. So, I am praying everything works out.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
Glitterdeva, I'm sure your girls know how much you love them and it must have been hard to watch your daughter today and have those feelings. Now you can focus on them and yourself and change your priorities. You are not an a**^ole. You are just married to an addict. Hugs to you and your girls.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
After he is out, call the cops if he comes back high.
Don't feel "bad" about it, just do it.
It isn't too late for your daughter to get some lessons and support from you.
Give her that, and quit focusing on him once and for all.
A lot can be made right if you can put this addict behind you for good.
Hugs glitter--you've walked a tough road but get the lessons and step off of it for all your sakes--
Don't feel "bad" about it, just do it.
It isn't too late for your daughter to get some lessons and support from you.
Give her that, and quit focusing on him once and for all.
A lot can be made right if you can put this addict behind you for good.
Hugs glitter--you've walked a tough road but get the lessons and step off of it for all your sakes--
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh Glitter, many hugs to you. You cannot go back and change the past, but you can sure change the future. My girls asked if their dad was coming back. They wanted me to assure them he would not. Then I read my little DD's diary and she said she wished upon a star we would get back together. It was so hard.
However....I know that living w/my X would have just caused them more trauma and more pain than good. In the end, I told him to get off my property by the time I counted to 10 or I would call the police. His sister called me immediately after and said she was coming to get him. I let him stay outside until she arrived, and I promised him if he came back and pulled that crap again, I would immediately call the police. I meant it, and he knew it.
He has to face the consequences of his actions or he really does never have a chance to change, even then he may not.
Go forward, be the awesome mom that you are, and take good care of YOU for a change!
XXX
However....I know that living w/my X would have just caused them more trauma and more pain than good. In the end, I told him to get off my property by the time I counted to 10 or I would call the police. His sister called me immediately after and said she was coming to get him. I let him stay outside until she arrived, and I promised him if he came back and pulled that crap again, I would immediately call the police. I meant it, and he knew it.
He has to face the consequences of his actions or he really does never have a chance to change, even then he may not.
Go forward, be the awesome mom that you are, and take good care of YOU for a change!
XXX
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 88
I am so sorry you are going through this, I am going through the same. My fiancé left me last night because I found out he was using again and as usual... I am the enemy! I completely understand your sadness from constantly being lied to, manipulated, and mid treated. When he is screaming at me and threatening to leave me I try to remind myself that this really isn't him..:. Not the him I remember anyway. It's the drugs talking. I know how frustrating it is to be treated like the bad guy when all you are trying to do is prevent then from a life of misery and even death. I don't know where these relationships will lead us but I do know .. And I think it's important for you to know that we have done all we could and are not the bad guys, I wish you well and most of all I wish you peace! *hugs*
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you guys! I dont have nothing good to report. He called and said that he is dying, is going to die and cannot drive. He is driving a car registered to my name. Can he please come home to sleep it off and tomorrow he is making arrangements for long term center or sober house. I said no, go to your brothers. His brother drove, but AH left, saying that he does not want anyone from his family involved. His mother was having a heart attack (literally couldn't breathe from all of this) while AH drove highly intoxicated. He ended up driving to my house, begging to sleep it off. I didn't call the cops (again), he is now sleeping downstairs, snoring like a big fat whale. I am very mad at myself. Why me again? His brother literally said - if AH wants to be a little bit** and get arrested, its his choice and went home. I just got so scared that he is driving like this and what if he is gonna die. I am sure its part of manipulation, I mean I am not a victim, I am not dumb. So tomorrow he makes freaking arrangements to leave. I will have distance, sell that car and move on with my life. Hopefully. I cannot do this anymore.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
Could you please explain to me exactly what you have to feel guilty about? Seriously. Explain it to me.
So? Did he make arrangements to leave? Let me guess? No
PLEASE change your locks. He is in a BAD downward spiral and you and your girls are going to get hurt. You NEED to protect your daughters. Please change the locks, block his number, and petition the courts for no visitation until he gets clean. PLEASE.
So? Did he make arrangements to leave? Let me guess? No
PLEASE change your locks. He is in a BAD downward spiral and you and your girls are going to get hurt. You NEED to protect your daughters. Please change the locks, block his number, and petition the courts for no visitation until he gets clean. PLEASE.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by Ileana 
Could you please explain to me exactly what you have to feel guilty about? Seriously. Explain it to me.
So? Did he make arrangements to leave? Let me guess? No
PLEASE change your locks. He is in a BAD downward spiral and you and your girls are going to get hurt. You NEED to protect your daughters. Please change the locks, block his number, and petition the courts for no visitation until he gets clean. PLEASE.
So? Did he make arrangements to leave? Let me guess? No
PLEASE change your locks. He is in a BAD downward spiral and you and your girls are going to get hurt. You NEED to protect your daughters. Please change the locks, block his number, and petition the courts for no visitation until he gets clean. PLEASE.
My children are not his biological children, I don't need to petition courts, thank God. He didn't make any arrangements so I put him out. Blocked the number and took his house key.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know it's going to be hard, but block him for a while b/c he is going to try to continue to manipulate you. No matter what is happening to him, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him, he has to want it.
Much love and many hugs coming your way!
Much love and many hugs coming your way!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I know it's going to be hard, but block him for a while b/c he is going to try to continue to manipulate you. No matter what is happening to him, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him, he has to want it.
Much love and many hugs coming your way!
Much love and many hugs coming your way!
He is not acting right. He just relapsed and instead of going back to the program, he is doing nothing, wants to now take my car to go to some mall for clothes. What freaking clothes do you need, you got no job, nothing else to do and you are freaking addict who was literally dying 2 days ago? Why do I feel so guilty???
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's really hard to see someone you care about go down the road to ruin. That is for sure.
Since you are asking me, I am going to tell you straight. This has been going on too long, in my opinion it's time to let go. You cannot make him want recovery.
Tight hugsXXX
Since you are asking me, I am going to tell you straight. This has been going on too long, in my opinion it's time to let go. You cannot make him want recovery.
Tight hugsXXX
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR CAR.
as for his "i'm dying" thing....obviously he wasn't but he said whatever he needed to to get YOU to play along, feel SORRY for him, let him back in the house. he will go to ANY LENGTH to get what he wants, he will pull no stops, he'll tell you he just got shot in the head, or a train ran over his leg, or the cat ran away.
he is not in his right mind and has not been for a long time. he does not WANT to GET BETTER. he probably doesn't even want his job back...jobs can SO get in the way of getting loaded. there's really nothing to feel sorry FOR here....he systematically tore his life apart, but making bad choice after bad choice. this is where he drove the bus.
get him out of the house and keep him out. what he does about that is HIS problem, unless he becomes violent and tries to break in. then you call the cops.
as for his "i'm dying" thing....obviously he wasn't but he said whatever he needed to to get YOU to play along, feel SORRY for him, let him back in the house. he will go to ANY LENGTH to get what he wants, he will pull no stops, he'll tell you he just got shot in the head, or a train ran over his leg, or the cat ran away.
he is not in his right mind and has not been for a long time. he does not WANT to GET BETTER. he probably doesn't even want his job back...jobs can SO get in the way of getting loaded. there's really nothing to feel sorry FOR here....he systematically tore his life apart, but making bad choice after bad choice. this is where he drove the bus.
get him out of the house and keep him out. what he does about that is HIS problem, unless he becomes violent and tries to break in. then you call the cops.
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