Hey, I am a newbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 43
Hey, I am a newbie
This is something brand new for me. I have never admitted anything outwardly to anyone...except for my husband. I have a family history of alcoholism...and I guess I just fell into place.
What's funny is the MAIN thing I want to get rid of because of my addiction is the weight gain. I am an adamant beer drinker. As a smaller woman, I can drink 8-15 beers in one night. I do have a job as well...and tend to drink less on nights that I have to work the next day. If I do not drink, I have severe night sweats and wake up soaking wet. I didn't drink last night and had to take a shower this morning before I could go to work.
This has actually started to effect things in my life. I have been late to work many times. Thank the good lord above, I am such a good worker at my job, that my boss approached me almost in a joking manner....and just asked me to start being on time. I am very proud of myself because since my boss asked me that...I have been on time every single day for a month now. Even on my horrible mornings where I would normally be late...or even worse...call in...I have been on time. So all it took was my boss talking to me to get me motivated. Of course my boss has no idea as to the reason I have been late. All they think is that I am not setting my alarm on time, or I am not getting up on time. They have no clue.
This has started to effect my home life as well. I never have any energy anymore to do anything. I never want to go out or do anything. I just want to sit at home and be a recluse. When I don't have to work the next day....I drink too much. Therefore, I want to sleep all day. Well, I can't do that because I still have a child at home. I get up with my child, but I feel I am nowhere near the mother I should be...because of my addiction.
Many times I have told myself...."I am just going to quit." Well that never works. Since this has become a REAL TRUE problem, I have not been able to go 3 days without drinking. Sometimes I tell myself, "You will only drink on the nights that you don't have work in the morning." Well that never works either. If I have a stretch of time that I am at home, I can actually not drink. The moment I go to work, have a good, hard day there....I leave and want to reward myself with drink.
The thought of quitting all together is very scary. How can I every enjoy nights out and being with friends without a drink? BUT...social situations are actually not my problem. I don't have to be with anyone to drink. I can drink all by my lonesome.
Triggers? Oh yeah, I have defined some of them for sure. But when you're someone that will drink even when alone...the triggers kinda go out of the window.
I want to defeat this. I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better worker. I want to be a better person all the way around. I want to lose the 50 lbs I gained literally just from alcohol. This is the first time I have EVER reached out to anyone...ever. I am hoping that with this community, I can overcome this challenge.
I do know one huge challenge I have coming up is my boss is throwing a party where everyone is expected to get drunk. I can either find a reason not to go, or go and find a reason not to drink. And my boss knows me too well for me not to drink. So I am feeling that I should just not go.
I want to stop so badly. I drank so much one day last week, I threw up. the next day I was speaking to my husband, and right in front of our kids, he mentioned how I was puking my guts up the night before. So embarrassing. And actually not appropriate at all in front of the kids. I spoke to him later and told him that he should speak to me about that, and not in front of our kids.
I am so sorry this is a really long thread. I am sure most won't read this because it is so long. There is actually WAY more I could say right now...but I guess I don't have the time to. It is getting late where I am (and I am drinking of course), and I have to work a full day tomorrow. This is really sad isn't it? Most of the posts I have read here are of people that are already on the mend. And here I am stating I am drinking. That probably isn't helping anyone else is it?
I just want to be in a happy place again. I want control over my life again. I want to be happy. And obviously alcohol makes me happy in the moment...but not for the long run. And I am sure everything I have said here has been said before. Same ****, different excuses right? Everyone always think they're an original but they're wrong.
I am not at the point of being confident enough to start something like AA or any other kind of community help. This is secretive for me. My husband doesn't even know about it. Nobody does. This is my last ditch effort before I just turn myself in I guess.
I was always the skinny girl everyone envied. I was always the happy girl...and everyone wished they were as happy as me. I was always the confident one as well. And now...well now I am just a mess. I am a huge FAT mess. I mean that I have gained 50 lbs from this crap, become depressed and have no life. I know there is a turn around point. I just have to find it. Sorry for the long (first) post here...just venting and trying to find some help. Thank you to everyone who actually had the guts to read this crap through to the end.
What's funny is the MAIN thing I want to get rid of because of my addiction is the weight gain. I am an adamant beer drinker. As a smaller woman, I can drink 8-15 beers in one night. I do have a job as well...and tend to drink less on nights that I have to work the next day. If I do not drink, I have severe night sweats and wake up soaking wet. I didn't drink last night and had to take a shower this morning before I could go to work.
This has actually started to effect things in my life. I have been late to work many times. Thank the good lord above, I am such a good worker at my job, that my boss approached me almost in a joking manner....and just asked me to start being on time. I am very proud of myself because since my boss asked me that...I have been on time every single day for a month now. Even on my horrible mornings where I would normally be late...or even worse...call in...I have been on time. So all it took was my boss talking to me to get me motivated. Of course my boss has no idea as to the reason I have been late. All they think is that I am not setting my alarm on time, or I am not getting up on time. They have no clue.
This has started to effect my home life as well. I never have any energy anymore to do anything. I never want to go out or do anything. I just want to sit at home and be a recluse. When I don't have to work the next day....I drink too much. Therefore, I want to sleep all day. Well, I can't do that because I still have a child at home. I get up with my child, but I feel I am nowhere near the mother I should be...because of my addiction.
Many times I have told myself...."I am just going to quit." Well that never works. Since this has become a REAL TRUE problem, I have not been able to go 3 days without drinking. Sometimes I tell myself, "You will only drink on the nights that you don't have work in the morning." Well that never works either. If I have a stretch of time that I am at home, I can actually not drink. The moment I go to work, have a good, hard day there....I leave and want to reward myself with drink.
The thought of quitting all together is very scary. How can I every enjoy nights out and being with friends without a drink? BUT...social situations are actually not my problem. I don't have to be with anyone to drink. I can drink all by my lonesome.
Triggers? Oh yeah, I have defined some of them for sure. But when you're someone that will drink even when alone...the triggers kinda go out of the window.
I want to defeat this. I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better worker. I want to be a better person all the way around. I want to lose the 50 lbs I gained literally just from alcohol. This is the first time I have EVER reached out to anyone...ever. I am hoping that with this community, I can overcome this challenge.
I do know one huge challenge I have coming up is my boss is throwing a party where everyone is expected to get drunk. I can either find a reason not to go, or go and find a reason not to drink. And my boss knows me too well for me not to drink. So I am feeling that I should just not go.
I want to stop so badly. I drank so much one day last week, I threw up. the next day I was speaking to my husband, and right in front of our kids, he mentioned how I was puking my guts up the night before. So embarrassing. And actually not appropriate at all in front of the kids. I spoke to him later and told him that he should speak to me about that, and not in front of our kids.
I am so sorry this is a really long thread. I am sure most won't read this because it is so long. There is actually WAY more I could say right now...but I guess I don't have the time to. It is getting late where I am (and I am drinking of course), and I have to work a full day tomorrow. This is really sad isn't it? Most of the posts I have read here are of people that are already on the mend. And here I am stating I am drinking. That probably isn't helping anyone else is it?
I just want to be in a happy place again. I want control over my life again. I want to be happy. And obviously alcohol makes me happy in the moment...but not for the long run. And I am sure everything I have said here has been said before. Same ****, different excuses right? Everyone always think they're an original but they're wrong.
I am not at the point of being confident enough to start something like AA or any other kind of community help. This is secretive for me. My husband doesn't even know about it. Nobody does. This is my last ditch effort before I just turn myself in I guess.
I was always the skinny girl everyone envied. I was always the happy girl...and everyone wished they were as happy as me. I was always the confident one as well. And now...well now I am just a mess. I am a huge FAT mess. I mean that I have gained 50 lbs from this crap, become depressed and have no life. I know there is a turn around point. I just have to find it. Sorry for the long (first) post here...just venting and trying to find some help. Thank you to everyone who actually had the guts to read this crap through to the end.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi powerflower - Welcome
a lot of us arrived here drinking - we're here to help
There's a lot of wisdom shared experience and support here.
I had to change a lot of things about my life when I quit drinking but it wasn't a loss, just a change to better reflect the sober me
8 years on, I have absolutely no regrets - best thing I ever did was to grab my life back and start living it again
D
a lot of us arrived here drinking - we're here to help
There's a lot of wisdom shared experience and support here.
I had to change a lot of things about my life when I quit drinking but it wasn't a loss, just a change to better reflect the sober me
8 years on, I have absolutely no regrets - best thing I ever did was to grab my life back and start living it again
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: southeastern USA
Posts: 310
Welcome Flowerpower! I really hope you choose to stop drinking as this disease only gets progressively worse--NEVER better. Keep posting and let us know how you are. Read around this site, there's A LOT of wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Support in recovery is important
because knowing we never have
to go thru or face anything in life
alone or all by ourselves gives us
the strength to stand strong to
ward off the demons of addiction
that keeps us prisoners for so long.
Learning a program of recovery
and using useful tools to stay sober
each day is the freedom we want
to enjoy for yrs to come.
Listen, learn, absorb and apply
a program of recovery to achieve
the gifts of recovery in healthy,
happiness and freedom.
because knowing we never have
to go thru or face anything in life
alone or all by ourselves gives us
the strength to stand strong to
ward off the demons of addiction
that keeps us prisoners for so long.
Learning a program of recovery
and using useful tools to stay sober
each day is the freedom we want
to enjoy for yrs to come.
Listen, learn, absorb and apply
a program of recovery to achieve
the gifts of recovery in healthy,
happiness and freedom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 39
Not much help I'm afraid but I need to stop because of anxiety not weight. Also like you my oh doesn't know I'm on this site, he thinks we can just stop. I'm a sahm of 3 kids. I do all the jobs that need doing but in my heart I know I could do better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by Powerflower 
Most of the posts I have read here are of people that are already on the mend. And here I am stating I am drinking. That probably isn't helping anyone else is it?
As you spend more time on SR, think about what specific tools and techniques you can put together to make a program for yourself. Welcome to SR! You can do this!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: rockville
Posts: 126
You're in a good place here PF. I lurked off and on the last few years before I finally drew the real line in the sand. This site has helped me immensely. I'm a 10+ year daily drinker and a binger the previous 10 years. Today is day 16 for me and I'm adjusting well to a life without drinking. The first week was not easy. Not easy at all. But when I look at the big picture it is a tiny price to pay to start feeling comfortable in my own skin again considering where I came from.
Read and post often. It will help you find the inner strength to break the steel rails of a difficult habit/addiction. Everybody starts withe day 1 and goes from there. Good luck!
Read and post often. It will help you find the inner strength to break the steel rails of a difficult habit/addiction. Everybody starts withe day 1 and goes from there. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Temple
Posts: 50
PF, welcome. I'm new here too. I'm on day 4. Your story is EXACTLY like mine. I used to be such a better mother. I still am when I HAVE to be but thank goodness for video games.... the laying around the couch, recluse... all of it, exactly like me. I was talked into starting day one 2 days before I thought I wanted to. I wasn't supposed to start until Monday but I started Saturday (yes, it was a self challenge, to not drink on a weekend). My last drink was 5/30/15, Friday night at 11:00. (My earlier post said Saturday but my brain was in a complete fog when I was posting that). I still feel like my brain is "pickled" sort of foggy but physically, the sweats and chills are so much better. My smoking is on the uptick though.. *sigh*... Again, welcome!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,343
Welcome PowerFlower. I, too, was a HUGE beer drinker and gained so much weight just from beer alone. I quit 2 years ago for six months and lost 45 pounds without doing anything but becoming sober. For some stupid reason, started drinking again and now most of the weight is back on... 
I'm on day 16 and this place has been a tremendous help. (I've even lost 5 pounds already!)
Good luck on your journey.
I'm on day 16 and this place has been a tremendous help. (I've even lost 5 pounds already!)
Good luck on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 1,053
Hi Powerflower. Many have a similar story and feel hopeless when we start this sobriety road. You can, and will be a better mother, partner, worker etc but yes you do need to stop. And now is a good a time as any. There's always going to be an excuse to drink. Like, it's summer, or there's a party, or it's the holidays or a football game etc. always a reason. You have to decide that your health and happiness are more important than the booze. And you are more important than the booze. It's just hard to see it in that way right now.
Commit not to drink for today. Just today. Than make the same commitment tomorrow etc. some of us are "on the mend" and some are just starting but we've all been there.
I know now I am a better mom and person. Still a bit self-absorbed but I'm working on that.
Stay here - join the June thread and post as often and as much as you like
Commit not to drink for today. Just today. Than make the same commitment tomorrow etc. some of us are "on the mend" and some are just starting but we've all been there.
I know now I am a better mom and person. Still a bit self-absorbed but I'm working on that.
Stay here - join the June thread and post as often and as much as you like
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Costa Mesa, California
Posts: 35
hi FlowerPower, I can relate to your feelings. I went from being a wine drinking, vodka, and now just focus on beer because i can drink it all day and not get "as drunk" as i would on wine. horrible thinking i know!! I used to be healthy, and thin, and energetic, clean, happy, clear skin. Now im overweight, sick, tired, no energy, i can go days without a shower and not care!!! late for work, calling in "sick" to work. im only on day two (again) but im trying. it sounds like your husband would support your sobriety, or wants you to get better? my dilemma is my boyfriend is a big drinker and i am going to have to lose him over by sobriety and my daughter is off to college so i have not kid or responsibility at home to stay sober. sorry im going on about my story. i hope you stick around and post more, i would like to share our life struggles and give each other advice etc...
and my daughter is off to college so i have not kid or responsibility at home to stay sober. sorry im going on about my story. i hope you stick around and post more, i would like to share our life struggles and give each other advice etc...
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