finding balance (HELP!)

Old 06-01-2015, 08:41 AM
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Unhappy finding balance (HELP!)

I will try to keep this as brief as possible and i apologize if i am going against SR forum etiquette. I am pretty new to this site.

My younger brother (im 30 he is 27) is an active abuuser of all types of pills (mostly anti anxiety and downers) and used to shoot up heroin. He is on probation now for a charge from a year ago so he is tested for heroin and alcohol regularly but his doctors still give him loads of anxiety meds/sleeping pills etc. He also manages to find ways to trade and sell...all while being on suboxone for 4+ years now.

Anyway this has been going on for almost 7 years. It started with him experimenting with just alcohol and weed and moved on to harder things as he got older and bigger. in 2006 his best friend died and since then he has had many other friends die from overdoses (mostly accidental). He now has severe/chronic depression not to mention addiction. he has overdosed (to the point of being on a ventilator) more than 10 times and has been to rehab about the same amount of times. nothing seems to work since he doesnt want to change and cant admit he has a problem and my parents cant afford a long term facility for him. I see my parents health and mental state deteriorating along with my brother and i feel so helpless.

I have learned to protect myself for the most part but my biggest issue (for myself) is finding a balance between supporting my parents, helping my brother and not driving myself and my spouse absolutely insane in the process. How do a continue to be a good daughter and sister when my parents are constantly enabling my brother to basically kill himself? My brother is emotionally and verbally abusive and has hit me before and its VERY hard to be around him. he is volatile. i know they are scared but what is the "proper" response for a sibling in this?

At least if someone can let me know what has NOT worked so i dont do it? i know i cant guilt my parents or my brother into changing (tried it and failed many times) and i know i cant ignore the problem. I am trying to save my family from themselves and i know i cant. but how do i separate myself? any input is appreciated.

note: i have tried counseling for myself and have found it hasnt been that helpful regarding my brother.
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Old 06-01-2015, 09:51 AM
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Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you have to deal with the horrors of a loved one's addiction, but I'm also grateful that you've found us and have taken the opportunity to post. Other members will be by to greet you, but as is my wont when greeting new members, I'd like to share some of my own thoughts.

I have learned to protect myself for the most part but my biggest issue (for myself) is finding a balance between supporting my parents, helping my brother and not driving myself and my spouse absolutely insane in the process. How do a continue to be a good daughter and sister when my parents are constantly enabling my brother to basically kill himself? My brother is emotionally and verbally abusive and has hit me before and its VERY hard to be around him. he is volatile. i know they are scared but what is the "proper" response for a sibling in this?
This presumes there is a way to "balance" all of those things. Is there? Perhaps. But the question you have to ask yourself is how far are you willing to go to see if there is.

You have 7 years of evidence that your AB is not interested in pursuing recovery. There's nothing you can do to help him. And there's really nothing you can do to help your parents deal with him, either. The best way to understand that is to read as many posts as you can by our residents moms. Two of those moms that come to mind are Ann and ilovemysonjj. But there are others, all in various stages of recovery and sanity. Not to steal Ann's or ilovemysonjj's thunder, but I think they had to go through the "enabling" process with their sons in order to understand there was ultimately nothing they could do for their sons. And that's a hard, sh!tty, painful lesson to learn. Your parents will have to arrive at that place, too.

One more thing. Verbal and physical abuse are unacceptable. Period. There is nothing that says you're under any obligation to put up with that. If he ever hits you again, call 911 and let the police deal with him. If your parents get upset with you for doing that, that's their problem. All you can do is watch yourself and take care of yourself. That means establishing boundaries.

Keep us posted. And again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 06-01-2015, 10:05 AM
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i agree

thank you for your response. it is so appreciated especially since i feel so alone in this. i know im not but when you dont know anyone who has been through this except for you and your own family it makes it so hard.

I can assure you that i will call the police if another physical altercation happens. when it happened i was in so much shock and my parents were so upset that i decided not to but looking back i probably should have.

i am working on establishing boundaries and i need to solidify them before i have kids of my own. I will not subject my children to seeing their uncle in the condition that he is in.

basically what i am seeking is solace in knowing that it is OK for me to disengage myself from any contact with him. i have so much guilt because i feel like i am abandoning my parents in doing this..especially since he lives with them most of the time. so in a sense it means severing most contact with my parents.
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Old 06-01-2015, 10:29 AM
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basically what i am seeking is solace in knowing that it is OK for me to disengage myself from any contact with him. i have so much guilt because i feel like i am abandoning my parents in doing this..especially since he lives with them most of the time. so in a sense it means severing most contact with my parents.
Well, you don't need permission to take care of yourself. Your AB has been physically and verbally abusive towards you. There's more than adequate reason to believe he'll be so in the future. So do what you need to do.

As far as your parents go, a little compassion goes a long ways. Even if they get angry with you, do your best to not return fire. Don't burn a bridge unless you really have no choice.
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Old 06-01-2015, 10:41 AM
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I'm really sorry that you are in this really painful position. It sounds as if your parents have to reach a point where they have had enough as well. Perhaps if they see the serenity you find by seeking help for yourself in this situation and detaching from the insanity of addiction, it may help them to find ways to help themselves too.

I found going to Naranon meetings really helped me when my daughter was actively using. I was fortunate that the group I found had many parents as well as siblings, and we could really relate to each other. That face to face support, plus coming here, truly was life saving. As other family members saw the changes in me, they started to work more on themselves too since they could see how much it helped.


One suggestion I have is to consider telling your parents that you would be happy to see them outside their home but for your own well being, you can't be around your actively using brother. And maybe that time together also includes no discussion of him or his problems? Since you can't change them, you can protect yourself and they may even find that this gives them a needed temporary escape from the insanity.

It's hard to not feel guilty, but you are not abandoning anyone. It is okay to disengage, and hopefully you will find peace in your decision soon.
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Old 06-01-2015, 10:50 AM
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I agree with greeteachday....I would explain that you can no longer subject yourself to him and his behavior, but that you love them and would like to see them, away from him. I would tell them that you have faced he needs to want to help himself, and if he does not want to do that, there is nothing anyone else can do.

I second going to a meeting, there is great support there, as well as here at SR. You are not alone!

Someone told me something once and I never forgot it. If you don't allow an addict a chance to face their own consequences, you are actually robbing them of any chance they may have of becoming clean. You may want to tell that one to your parents.

Glad you are here. Keep posting, we will walk this together!
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Old 06-01-2015, 11:00 AM
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thank you

thank you all again for your kind words and support. i will definitely look into nar-anon. i have considered it many times but ive always been afraid of how i will react when i get in there. i dont want to lose it in front of strangers even though i know its a no judgement zone.

one thing i have realized is that my parents have been constantly cleaning up after my brothers mistakes since he was 5. from doing his homework throughout school to paying for car after car he has totaled its never ending. its like they dont learn from his mistakes either.

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Old 06-01-2015, 11:06 AM
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basically what i am seeking is solace in knowing that it is OK for me to disengage myself from any contact with him. i have so much guilt because i feel like i am abandoning my parents in doing this
Not only is it ok it’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. I think face to face support groups are very important. Nar-anon, al-anon you will find support and others who are or have experienced what you are dealing with.

Guilt is a hard one, especially when we have been in the “care taker” mode for most of our lives. When we are constantly making sure everyone else is ok we get lost in the chaos. Then feel bad/guilt for wanting to find ourselves.

I know for me once I began al-anon and sticking with posting here, reading as much as I possible could and actually putting the advice I received to action, not only did my life become more peaceful and not so filled with FOG.

F = fear

O – obligation

G – guilt

You must be the change you wish to see in others. Become your parents example, seek help at meetings, set healthy boundaries and more importantly stick to them.

Keep posting, lots of great people here, lots of great advice and read the stickies at the top especially the one “What addicts do”.
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Old 06-01-2015, 02:20 PM
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I am sorry for what has brought you here, and sorry you've been struggling with this for so long. Many of us have been and are in your shoes, so you are in a safe and wise place!

I agree with everyone's advice and second it wholeheartedly. NarAnon meetings have saved me these past few years with my AD, now in recovery. But I keep going every week and will do so for a long time to come, regardless of her situation.Now I am going for myself--to learn from others, share hope, work on myself, and be in a room of people who understand where I have been in ways many other people never will. Let us know if you can't find NarAnon in your area, as there are other kinds of meetings available for family members.

Keep coming back and keep reading -- there's so much to learn here!

One more thing: it is perfectly fine (and best) for you to create healthy boundaries around interactions with your AB and even your parents. F.O.G. can be so powerful and can keep us stifled and in crisis for as long as we let it. He is an adult now. So are your parents. And so are you...free to do what you need to do to live a happy and healthy life. Take care!
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