auroraxborealis

Just got off the phone with an old friend. I posted about him a few months ago. He was an old friend from school (and my first "boyfriend"--my X was my first real boyfriend). He got caught up with his cousin last fall and got into trouble. He's now serving time for pleading to a burglary charge. He's also got some custody issues with his now XW.

I used to be really into this guy in high school. He has come in and out of my life over the years. In high school, I really had a crush on him but he ended up dating one of my best friends. I didn't talk to her for about six months, and she wouldn't let him talk to me during their relationship. Everything has since worked out. My friend and I patched things up, and he continued to come and go.

This friend started calling me a few months ago, before he went to jail. Now that he's in there, he's limited to calling people that aren't long distance, myself included. He jokes around that he wants to date me, or mess around, but I told him that ship has sailed LONG AGO. Like, ten years long ago. He played dumb at first, but I told him he really hut me when he started dating my friend. He even asked me if I would be mad, and I told him I would. He did it anyways. Not like I really had a say in the matter, but it was just like, why bother asking? We're cool now, and I can joke and play around with him. Sometimes he makes it too awkward, and I'm not offended easily, but if I am I'm not afraid to tell him.

Anyways, he's asked how I've been and I've been filling him in on some of the details of what's been going on with me and my love live (read: my X). Today, I went to his family's BBQ. Three of them had a birthday and they did a joint party. Both X and his new gf were there. It was fine, no drama, not really awkward. I don't have a problem with her. I don't really care for her, but I have no problem with her. But its just like she has my life. She has what I was supposed to have. My X, the house we were supposed to move into, and she's got a daughter and now my X has his little family. I was telling my friend this and he told me to get over it. I told him it's not that easy. He said, "I know, imagine how I feel--I married my wife and she wants nothing to do with me and divorced me. I lost my kid." It's like no matter how I explain how I feel, he's going to top it by saying he feels worse.

He asked me why I was putting so much effort into someone who does't want to be with me.

I don't have an answer for that.

I just feel like the rest of my life is together. I've got a good job, a degree, a professional license, I'm going back for more school, yadda yadda yadda. I'm just lonely. I want someone to share this life with. And I thought I had it.

It's not like I'll take anyone. As I said--this friend makes jokes and inferences about us being together. Nope.

X's cousin was trying to step in last week. I said 1) don't you think you're a little old for me? (He's 41, I'm 26) and 2) you know I dated your cousin for like two and a half years, right? He didn't seem to be bothered by either of those issues. In fact, he essentially said he stepped aside for my X and now he would be a good FWB until I get a bf. Nope.

My friend suggested to go online and date. Nope.

I don't want just anyone. I'm not going to settle with anyone. But it seems like the guys that actually attempt to be with me are the ones I know are no good. And guys that people think I should be interested want nothing to do with me or are taken.

So what's it about my X?

My friend asked if X came up and said, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, let's be together," would I? I said no, not immediately. I mean, all I want is to be with him, but there are things I would want from him: a job, completion of probation, paying his bills... You know, all that adult stuff. Sobriety, working a program, attention to his mental health.

I'm just thinking about that point my friend made. Why am I putting so much effort into someone who doesn't want to be with me? What's wrong with me?

AnvilheadII

armchair therapist here - i think THIS is your sticking point:

But its just like she has my life. She has what I was supposed to have. My X, the house we were supposed to move into, and she's got a daughter and now my X has his little family.

who said that was SUPPOSED to be your life? nobody knows what life holds for us. when we get a sense of entitlement about what we DESERVE and assume we will get what we want because we want it, we are trying to control things that are not ours to control.

your EX has his own path in life. he was never YOURS, we don't claim ownership over others. i think you have some serious denial to work thru here.....you deliberately went to his family event, knowing he would be there WITH his girlfriend, you "say" you're cool with it, but you are still waiting for him to COME BACK. if of course, he lives up to your criteria.

i think you'd find much freedom if you set yourself free from HIS family, HIS life. put it all behind you and keep your eyes focused on YOUR life's path and where it will lead you next in the grand adventure.

ruthhoney

This is so much wisdom Anvilhead. I find myself much wiser and more mature coming out of the dark side of an emotional involvement with an addict. These are lessons not just applicable to dealing with an addict but basically can be applied in any type of relationship. I have to say I am not yet strong enough to live out this mentality but I am on track and will reach there someday.
Thanks!

auroraxborealis

I did. I said it was supposed to be my life when I started wanting it.

I know he was never mine, but I thought we were ours.

I don't know how, Anvil. You're right. I am waiting for him to come back. I'm trying to get what I want. It's not working. And I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to give up my relationships. I don't want to lose my mentor, father figure. I don't want to lose my friends.

And I don't know how to do this.