My (I think) Alcoholic Sister

Old 05-31-2015, 01:14 PM
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My (I think) Alcoholic Sister

Hi, new to posting. Long Time Lurker.

I am asking for some very objective opinions. I truly need help.

I have a sister who I am fairly certain is alcoholic. Our father was an alcoholic. When my sister drinks she becomes mean and loud. I have a physical disability and she has been mean and mocking to me when drinking. I have seen her get mean with others when drinking.

I moved away from her and her husband many years ago. Now they are going through a divorce.

She says she is not drinking now. But she suffers from severe depression. Refuses to take antidepressants because they bother her stomach. Again, she says she is not drinking now.

She wants to come and live with me for 2 months; (the maximum amount of days the complex I live, in allows guests), after the divorce is final and home is sold. She asks to stay with me until she finds a place to live. Which will not be easy based on her income and cash she will have (really won't have), after the divorce. They have very little equity in their home.

The thing is, that I originally I told her she could stay with me for 2 months. But now, as she is progressing through the divorce, I find myself getting ill. My autoimmune illness is exacerbating greatly -just listening to her as she tells her problems.

I am worried she may start drinking again after living with me. I have a small 2 bedroom apartment. And that she could become abusive with me. And that I may have difficulty getting her to leave after the 2 months, especially if she can't find a place to live. And bottom line, she is not easy to live with - sober or actively drinking.

I truly believe I need to tell her that she can't come and live with me.

I feel so selfish; but my health is poor; it got better after I moved away from them; but it is going south now , listening to the very sad details of the divorce. Add the stress of worrying about living every day again - walking on egg shells is really getting to me.

I have been to Alanon; unable to get to regular meetings on a regular basis due to my health.

So I am asking for advice here. How do I tell my sis that I can't have her come and stay with me? She has no other family except for one son.

I hate to place the blame on her for my health beginning to fail.
And I hate to bring up the fact that her drinking in the past caused great personality changes and that booze makes her mean. And that although I have forgiven her; I have not forgotten her actions.

Don't think I can call her an alcoholic to her face. Our father was a fall-down drunk (at the end). She has not progressed that far.

Is it wrong for me to protect myself from the day to day worries having a (possible) alcoholic sister living with me?

I have much to lose; my health, sanity and possibly my living situation - which is comfortable, not fancy, but comes with many restrictions. I would hate to have my sense of peace and secured living situation jeopardized by a sister that could go out of control at any time.

My gain? Knowing that she feels secure in having a place to go to temporarily until she finds her own place. Knowing or (hopefully knowing) that she won't get so depressed (because she has a place to go to) and possibly do something terrible and terminal to herself. Yes, she has attempted a couple of times and mentions this once in a while.

She has one son who lives in a tiny apartment. Living with him would greatly impact him and his lifestyle. But he is healthy and young. I am not healthy and not young. She doesn't want to "bother" him. He is just getting his life on track. Is it wrong for me to try to give the responsibility to her son? I love him; but; what about me? I love my sister, but not the way her life has turned out.....

Yikes. Help.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 05-31-2015, 01:34 PM
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AlcSis.....I am going to tell this to you, very straight forward----I think to let her come live with you is the very worst thing you can do.

Basing this statement on the information that you have posted. If she needs help with housing (I haven't a clue to where she lives or her age)...there are social services organizations that can help her with affordable housing.

It sounds like you are intimidated---and, are afraid to look like the "bad guy". You will have to get honest enough to tell her the truth---that you predict too much conflict and that your health status, unfortunately, does not allow for it. Period.
If you "chicken out"....you may go from "nice guy" status to "abused guy" status......

I really do feel for you.....but, there are times when you just have to call a spade a "spade"......

By the way......WELCOME TO THE FORUM!!!!!!!!!

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Old 05-31-2015, 01:39 PM
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Welcome to SR. Sounds like you have a pretty firm idea of what is going to happen after she moves in. Ask yourself which will be more difficult: telling her no now or trying to kick her out in two months. I think you know the answer.
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Old 05-31-2015, 02:00 PM
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It's not selfish to take care of yourself and your own needs. It's self-care and is very important. It's taking me a long time to see what my needs are. Listening to your instincts and your body are great tools for self-care.

Congrats on the Alanon meetings you have been to. If you have a phone list, I'd suggest reaching out for help, or call the numbers listed for contacts for your local meetings. If you keep looking, something may come about to help with transportation or physical help. Your local Domestic Violence center may also be a great resource.

It doesn't matter whether your sister is alcoholic or not, or temporarily sober or in recovery, giving her a place to stay is taking over what is hers to deal with. It doesn't sound like a good situation, even for one night. Are you scared of her reaction if you say no?

There are many programs, including the Salvation Army. There is no shame in needing help. Within the confines of dysfunctional relationships, my ideas of "helping" have often been very unhealthy. Programs like these help people to achieve more, if they're willing to do the work. If they aren't willing, nothing I could have done or said would have saved them.

The Salvation Army - Adult Rehabilitation

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Old 05-31-2015, 02:03 PM
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Yes--I agree with other posters.

You need to level with her that this is already causing you health issues.

You are quite right that getting her out after the two months may prove impossible if she refuses, is drinking, and hasn't found another situation.

I think you should offer her what "up front" help you can for her finding her own place and keep her out of your home.

That's your refuge--don't risk it.

Welcome to SR and I'm sorry you are dealing with such a tough situation
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Old 05-31-2015, 02:04 PM
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She will be more uncomfortable at her son's, and he will be, too. That's why she should go there. This should *be* temporary, and **feel** temporary. You actually have a two bedroom place, and I foresee her arguing for you to re-negotiate your lease so that she can stay indefinitely.
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Old 05-31-2015, 02:07 PM
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Alc,
Welcome to the forum and I am sorry that you are here. I have to agree with Dandy and Jake, no house guest.

It kind of sounds like your sister is a "dry" drunk. She is not drinking but has the manipulative type of personality still. I want you to read the statement that you posted. You really can't have her back in your life full time. She is mean, depressed (can't take meds to help), not sure if she is still drinking, and all the other issues that could arise. The question is, is why she is not moving in with her son. Obviously she might have burned bridges with him also while she was drinking.

Like with any alcoholic they need to hit bottom. Not drinking and working a program are 2 different things. Alcoholics need to make amends with all the stuff they have done in the past. It sure sounds like she hasn't done that and is no where near to do that with you. (most A's don't even realize the drunken stuff that they have done to us, as we remember everything)

You have a gut feeling, and i think that you need to go with your gut, believe in yourself that this is the right decision for you and your health. Just tell her no that you can't possible do it right now, maybe in the future it would be a possibility. I wouldn't give her any reason, as you owe her nothing.

Hugs my friend!!
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Old 05-31-2015, 02:47 PM
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I truly appreciate all of your replies and your honesty.

Wow, I have shared my concerns with 2 real life long-time friends who know my history with my sister and a fairly new friend and they ALL say things similar to what is being said here!! This makes me wonder: What is wrong with me?? Why am I so troubled about this situation? Why do I feel so bad about saying no to a sister who has treated me poorly at times (while drinking)? Says things to me and to others that I would NEVER think of saying. She is being so sweet on the phone and in texts now. Crazy making!

I am fighting feelings of guilt and long time role as the oldest, responsible child in a family of four.

And yet, because I have been hospitalized for my illness and stress is one of the worst factors impacting it, I need to acknowledge that I am also truly fighting for my life, as my health is so precarious.

I have even contemplated seeking advice from a professional. But I see so much wisdom here on this website . I know I need to listen to my real-life friends, SR advocates, and as one said above, "to my gut" feelings. I truly believe my Higher Power is speaking through all, and I need to listen.

Feeling an urgency to let her know of my decision as they are having open house today; they have already turned down one offer. The house is lovely, a great value and priced to sell. So - I need to let her know her my decision ASAP.

Thanks again for reading/listening. Writing all of this has been quite cathartic.

Hugs to all.
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Old 05-31-2015, 03:38 PM
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Maybe try something like this:

Originally Posted by AlcSis View Post

I hate to place the blame on you for my health beginning to fail.
And I hate to bring up the fact that your drinking in the past caused great personality changes and that booze makes you mean. And that although I have forgiven you; I have not forgotten your actions.

I have much to lose; my health, sanity and possibly my living situation - which is comfortable, not fancy, but comes with many restrictions. I would hate to have my sense of peace and secured living situation jeopardized.
I just I copied and pasted what you wrote. My changes are in bold.

Yes, I agree that you probably shouldn't call her an alcoholic to her face. Why go there. It doesn't matter what she's called, the problem is how she acts.

Good Luck to you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I have some very strong willed brothers and sisters as well. It can be very hard to break patterns of communication with family members.

(((((((( hugs )))))))))
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:12 AM
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Hello again

OMG - I have been running the issue I posted about in this thread over and over in my head. Ruminating - yes, I think this is what it this is called.

I feel so bad, so guilty and so afraid about the message I need/must communicate to her.

The Gist of the Message:
That she is NOT welcome to come stay with me after her divorce is final, and her home is sold. Holy Cow !! That sound pretty ^%$ heartless.

But I won't say it that way. However, that's the bottom line.

#$^! !!!!
This decision seems so unbelievably Harsh. And Cruel. And Unloving. So truly truly truly non-compassionate.

My religious/emotional beliefs tell me one thing.
My logical/survival instincts tell me another.

My sister has mentioned "abandonment issues" to me before.
And Crap, here I am at the point where I too, will TRULY be abandoning her.

Yet, the truth is that I just don't have the energy - physically, spiritually, emotionally or financially to deal with her and her problems.

I can barely take care of myself and my aging cat.

And I need to remember that she has a history of being VERY unkind to me and to others. And that even though she is not drinking; she has no program and is always depressed and angry. She is trying to be kind to me now; tells me she hopes I am doing better with my health issues. But I don't trust her. I feel/fear her fleeting/momentary concerns for me is manipulation. She has truly a Jekyl/Hyde personality. But she can seem so nice at times, and is making herself look like she is the "victim" in her marriage.

She truly created/perpetuated many of her problems. She stinking allowed her life to spiral down!!! And avoided taking any financial responsibility for herself.

Yes, she has an a88-hole (possibly A) husband. He has certainly been a big culprit in the dynamics of how terrible her life has been and what it has come to now. I used to say to myself and to others that "I too would be drinking if I was married to him". But I doubt it.

I believe my fear of alcoholism due to our alcoholic father never allowed me to drink as an escape. I saw him doing horrible things when he drank. I never wanted to be like him. I thank God for the Grace given to me, in that I have not become an alcoholic. And wonder why my sister DID????

Somehow, here I am dealing with so much pain and fear and just wanting to run away - but I am pushing on. Pushing through the issues without alcohol or drugs. But, this is so incredibly difficult.

I feel I MUST give her "heads up" soon, because when their house sells, there will be so many decisions for her to make and things to do - withing a short time frame. I believe this is the only fair thing to do.

Yet, I fear that if I tell her now; that she will give up. Give up as in the S word.

One of her sons already isn't speaking to her. The other son, with whom I have already talked to, SAYS he will be "there" for his mom. I pray he will.

She lives 2,000 miles away from me right now and I certainly can't tell her in person. I don't think that I can tell her over the phone. My illness often affects my speech; when stressed it DOES affect my speech. And I will be stressed telling her. If my speech gets affected, she may TRULY not be able to understand what I am telling her. Also, I can hear the stress and depression in her voice when she talks. And I fear if I HEAR that, then I might back down.

So, this morning I am writing a email to send to her.
Praying to God and asking Him for wisdom as I craft this letter. Praying to be given the right words.
Praying my sister will step up to the plate and find an alternative place to go to - when the time comes.

Praying for serenity and courage and wisdom.

Praying the Serenity Prayer.

Oh my, I am going on and on. Yep, ruminating. But I needed to get this out of my system.

Thanks for listening.

As I said; I have been to Alanon; have the foundation and tools of the program in my heart and soul. Have been unable to attend meetings regularly due to my multiple health issues. Even asked a lady to be my sponsor; and we used to talk often; sadly, she passed away within the past year. I hope using this forum for support is okay.

And if you believe in prayer, please say a prayer for my sister and me.
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:29 AM
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Make the call and stop torturing yourself with your own thoughts. Even better, write her a letter and send it Certified Mail so you don't have to argue with her.

God doesn't want us to put ourselves in the position to be abused. That is what will happen. She created this with her actions, you didn't. We are called to help, but God helps those who help themselves - and she has a pattern of behavior that shows she isn't willing to help you.

Yes there will be fallout. Not avoidable. Please be kind to yourself. She will be fine.
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:31 AM
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hey there, you are taking on WAY too much of HER problems.....surely she can find somewhere else to stay short term. she's a full grown adult, and there are many options. YOU are only ONE option.

with your health failing, you are not in a position to host ANYONE in your home. so de-personalize this....you are not well and you simply must take care of your health first and foremost. you did not plan to get sick just to inconvenience her.

she isn't starving and homeless - she needs a place to crash for abit. it's not the end of the world. go easy on yourself kiddo.....
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:48 AM
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I agree with everyone, however, I would encourage her to go now to social services and any other resources in her community. I know here we have places that will help set you up initially in an apartment and help with deposits, etc. She is about to become single, so she needs to learn to help herself.

Take care of yourself and don't let her move in!
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Old 06-02-2015, 10:15 AM
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Your sister is grown, she has a lot of options available to her. For most people, figuring this out is part of the divorce process. You're just letting her know that moving 2000 miles cross country to live with you is a no-go. What she does with that information is out of your hands.
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Old 06-02-2015, 11:01 AM
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I have found that when I stick to “I” statements instead of pointing blame with “you” statements it’s much easier.

Examples of things you can say:

I have thought about the plans for you to come stay with me and realized that I am happy living alone and wish to keep it that. I have found that living on my own allows me more freedom and allow me to shoulder all my own responsibility keeping me independent instead of dependent on anyone. I have found that any disruptions from my normal routine are stressful for me.

This way you are stating how you “feel” and if she pushes you then she is not thinking/caring about you only herself.

Keep reminding yourself that her choices were her own. She chose to remain in an unhappy marriage. The fact they have no equity in their own home is NOT your fault or responsibility.

Trying to figure out solutions for her problems is not on your shoulders. Her moving in with her son is not a healthy solution but that is between them and has nothing to do with you. It’s not even your place to suggest it.

I might suggest instead of focusing on her drinking or not drinking issues that you focus on your codependency and inability to stand up for your own needs and wants.
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Old 06-02-2015, 11:25 AM
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Thanks

Hi All,

Well thanks for the Wake-Up calls !! And much heeded advice. And yes, I am looking at my co-dependency issues.

I needed the honest feedback.

I just sent my sister an email with her son copied. Unfortunately his email was returned to me. I did use a lot of I messages. Did not focus on her issues. Suggested they investigate housing alternatives, other than living with me, because I just can't deal with another person in my small home.

It was all about me. My health, how I don't deal well with stress and how it affects my health. And that I needed to take care of myself only and not end up getting seriously ill again.

And said it is up to them to figure out what to do.

She got right back to me via text and said

"Read your email, I understand"

I then sent a text to her son asking for his current email, which he sent to me.

I forwarded the message to him.

It's done.

Do I feel better? Yes!

Does this forum rock? You Bet!!

Thanks everyone.



Edited to add: Her son sent me a text saying:

"It's ok. Take care of yourself first."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is my Higher Power in Action. Absolute Proof ! Thanks to all.
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Old 06-02-2015, 11:48 AM
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Phenomenal, Alcsis, simply phenomenal! And yes, I agree, this is your HP taking over once you've taken that first step...
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Old 06-02-2015, 11:58 AM
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Good for you! I know it's hard, but you stuck your ground!

This forum is great, hope to see you around here more!
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Old 06-02-2015, 12:06 PM
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I love this thread!!
I would of done the same.
I'm the queen of rumination!

Good things happen to nice people. I am so happy it's sorted out and you managed it so well! Xx
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Old 06-02-2015, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post

Trying to figure out solutions for her problems is not on your shoulders. Her moving in with her son is not a healthy solution but that is between them and has nothing to do with you. It’s not even your place to suggest it.

I might suggest instead of focusing on her drinking or not drinking issues that you focus on your codependency and inability to stand up for your own needs and wants.
I totally, 100% agree with this advice. At the same time, I know it can be tough advice to follow.

Last year, I made the mistake of letting my A sister-in-law move into our house "temporarily" while she was going through a tough separation from my ABIL (spouse's B). Had I known the extent of her drinking, I would not have allowed her to stay with us for even a night. Our eyes were opened in the weeks after she moved in (around Halloween) and it became clear that we could not let her stay indefinitely. We made the conscious choice to let her stay through the holidays but began trying to talk to her about leaving in January. When the "nice" approach did not work (i.e., she started trying various manipulative tactics to stay), I had to be more direct.

I knew that I was doing the right thing by asking/requiring her to leave, and I knew that if I could manage to be crystal clear with her that she would go. That didn't dispel the guilt that I felt. So, in order to feel "right" with myself, I went online (roommates dot com and some other sites I don't recall anymore) and printed out a handful of rooms for rent that were cheap, local, and potentially reasonable options for her. My point was not to "find" her a place to go, but to show her that she had options and to point her in some direction.

Frankly, there were some good options out there - I had no idea that such cheap and nice-sounding accommodations even existed.

I gave her the printouts along with a note that said (in part), it's time for you to move along, you have X time to find another place to stay, here are some ideas to get you started.

She chose not to pursue those options or anything similar, instead crashing at friends' houses and eventually turning up back at ABIL's house causing great chaos to the entire family (including young children). She blamed me for kicking her out "without notice" and with "nowhere to go" - neither of which was true - but I felt zero guilt over the situation at that point. I felt that I had done something reasonable to try and help her, and her failure / refusal to step up or help herself was not on me at all.

I guess my point is - great if you can let your sister's problem be hers to solve without feeling guilt - but if that's not working then consider what if anything you can do to "help" her that won't ask more of you than you can take on. Giving her some resources may work for you as it did for me (it also may help you in a more direct way, because if you know specifically that she has other viable options then there's no reason to feel such responsibility for her).

Sorry for the long post, but I had to tell the whole story as I'm still amazed how well this strategy worked for me - not that it helped her at all, but it was an "easy" way for me to resolve my own discomfort with a tough situation.
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