Anyone else?

Old 05-31-2015, 07:58 AM
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Anyone else?

Do you ever dare to imagine in your head what life would have been like if your alcoholic parent wasn't an alcoholic - Visualize in your head that a memory went differently from reality? Does anyone else that has an AM or AF do this? I'm not saying this is healthy thinking or productive (the opposite), but I'm wondering if I'm not the only one that does it.

I do it very rarely, but I've found myself going to that place where I flirt with the idea that reality is different: a dream that my mom is in my life, that we have a decent relationship, that she is a loving, caring, supportive figure in my life. I like to believe it for just a moment, but by no means do I ever try to live in that pretend place.
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Old 05-31-2015, 08:46 AM
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That is where acceptance comes into
play for me. I had to accept that fact
that I was brought into this world be
2 parents, one which was sick with
her own demons she carried from her
own childhood.

I have to accept the fact that I was
the one of 4 kids she chose to single
out and verbally, emotionally and
physically abuse because of her own
sickness.

There is not a thing in this world that
can change the past. The past is over
for me and now I live in the present.

While living in recovery using steps
and principles of a recovery program
taught to me to incorporate in my
everyday life, I can place those people,
places or things into the hands of my
HP - Higher Power of my understanding
for safe keeping and release all those
heavy crosses or burden weighing heavy
on my shoulders.

I don't want to be weighed down anymore
wondering or worrying about my dysfunctional
childhood. Today I want to be happy, healthy,
and most of all free from the past and the
only way to do that is to accept and let go.

It's taken me a many one days at a time
sober for the past 24 yrs. to learn what
I needed to learn in recovery to achieve
that freedom that so many have talked
about in recovery.

You can achieve that freedom too.
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Old 05-31-2015, 08:53 AM
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I'm 54 and my childhood still haunts me from time to time. The fact that I went down the same road as my alcoholic parent doesn't help. You have to learn to accept the past for what it was knowing you can't change it and, move on with your future. Do your best not to pass the dysfunction on.
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Old 05-31-2015, 09:02 AM
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My parents weren't alcoholic, and I wound up a completely non functioning, suicidal, basket case at 23 anyhow. I guess I should be grateful that they weren't alcoholics .

Anyhow, I had a realization not that long ago that changed my thinking regarding other misgivings I had with my parents. I'm an artist. As a kid I loved to draw, paint, and build things... as an adult I fell in love with music, and learned to play many different instruments. I play bass guitar professionally, but still use other means (a day job) to support myself.

My parents never supported my music. All they did was scream and yell at me to turn it down, and tell me find something useful to do with my life. When I got sober and started really taking music seriously, I'd stand on my head doing anything and everything I could to get their support, and it just wasn't happening. And I resented it.

Then one day it occurred to me. When I was a little, 6-7 years old, I had the ability to draw portraits and/or caricatures of people that actually looked a whole lot like them. I have to admit, I was pretty good at it - still have a bunch of those drawings. Anyhow, they LOVED that! Anywhere and everywhere we went, they had to show me off. They had me drawing all their friends, showing everybody and anybody who walked through our door my artwork, and guess what - I hated it! I didn't want to draw their friends. I didn't want the attention they were giving to me. And as soon as I realized they'd leave me alone with my guitar guess what I stopped doing, and started doing. I quit the drawing, and started playing guitar 24/7.

I think differently about my parents now. And while they still don't support my music as I wish they would, they're completely accepting of it, and more importantly, of me. I'm a lucky dude.
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Old 05-31-2015, 09:05 AM
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NOLAgirl,

Oh, for a penny for each time I have thought about it! I live a pretty happy life now, but it was a mess as a child with two alcoholic parents.

I have often wondered what it would have felt like to be cherished as a child. What would I feel like, if I had healthy self esteem? Would I have accomplished much more in life? What would it have been like to be encouraged , or comforted during childhood disappointments? What would it feel like to think my parents my best friends and biggest supporters?

My trials made me who I am. I am strong, and I am really close to my children. They are the greatest things ever to happen to me, and we have everything that I did not have, as far as parent to child.,,,,, and more.....

poor boundaries... too codependent... try too hard to fix things for my kids, making up for what I didn't get from a parent.. those things are not so good.

Thats why I am here. to learn how to be healthier. To build healthy boundaries. To deal with the alcoholism of my son, who lives with me.

Yes, I wonder . I mostly wish alcoholism wasn't inherited *if it is*, and that the disease wasn't so progressive... dysfunction being part of that which is progressive. unless arrested, which is why I am here.

Honestly, I have done that 'dream' thing... just to try to feel the feelings of self confidence, security, and being cherished by my parents. I did it just to see what it feels like. It was pretty neat.

I am glad that we have this forum to share those things.. we are much more alike than we are different, I think.

hugs
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Old 05-31-2015, 09:27 AM
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I have but then I realize I would not be married with the two kids I have. That changes everything
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Old 06-01-2015, 08:47 PM
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I grew up so poor and the house was bereft of any decoration, kindness or love of any kind. I took this as completely normal. When I saw other families on tv or in person I just knew that when I wasn't there they were all beating their children in private and being horrible people. I also assumed that hardly anyone had enough money to decorate or have nice things. This includes my extended family and generationally. Imagine my surprise when I watch shows now as a very mature adult and realize that, no, it was just my family and that indeed some other families were in fact happy and loving. It just blows my mind to imagine what my family could have been like if they had not been alcoholics. That there were some nice people in the world. I guess it's a survival tool to think everyone is bad so I didn't envy thus making myself more miserable. I don't go there very often but it hits me out of the blue when I see a similar family situation that is happy instead of mine.
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Old 06-01-2015, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Kialua View Post
I grew up so poor and the house was bereft of any decoration, kindness or love of any kind. I took this as completely normal.
x2 actually Kialua. The rest of your post almost made me cry Um, I'm in a strange juxtaposition here where I wish that mine were .

Maybe not quite fully blown alcoholics or addicts, but I have always wished that mine drink more often or were open to taking drugs.

Because the atmosphere in our house was so tense you could cut it with a knife. Any day without violence and trauma was a good day.


I genuinley wished that my parents were able to kick back a little as I was doing with my friends, or saw how other people parents did.

I never saw any negative to this. Apart from my own blackouts which were often but I couldn't remember them, only the consequences.

Today is going to be a rotten and horrible day for me here, I knew this from the split second I woke up. Ugh, man. Hope everyone is well.
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Old 06-01-2015, 10:26 PM
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Yes but it makes me sad. We had a really good friendship and loved each other very much. Then when she developed alcoholism (I was about 12) she was a totally different person. Sometimes I fantasize about her being at important events (and being sober) my graduation, my wedding, etc. but the reality is she wasn't. I try hard to just focus on the positive experiences I had with her when I was younger.
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Old 06-01-2015, 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Joe Nerv View Post
My parents weren't alcoholic, and I wound up a completely non functioning, suicidal, basket case at 23 anyhow

My parents never supported my music. All they did was scream and yell at me to turn it down, and tell me find something useful to do with my life. When I got sober and started really taking music seriously, I'd stand on my head doing anything and everything I could to get their support, and it just wasn't happening. And I resented it.
Joe Nerv man! Exactly the same as that, lol. Yeah I had a lucky break for a year or so where my father worked away during the week, and as my mother was never anywhere to be found (bit of a mystery as to where she would be) I could practice my music a lot.

The odd time she would arrive back she'd start by giving me ****, and I'd be wondering to myself where she might have been (is that not suppose to be the other way around?). Anyway the downside for that time was that there was never any food in the house.

P.S, some good ones here https://youtu.be/FDKDdVilQT4
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Old 06-03-2015, 09:25 AM
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I do it now and again, my dad was an alcoholic, and died an alcoholic.

We never really had a father/son relationship, alcohol always took priority in his life, but I sometimes wonder about if it hadn't!!
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Old 06-03-2015, 04:39 PM
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When I was a kid my daydreams revolved around having a real mom and dad that loved me. I dreamed not that I was Cinderella, but Cinderalla and Prince Charming's beloved daughter. I eventually gave up on those dreams and learned to live in reality but I was pretty old when I finally stopped. Then the daydreams just turned into vague wishes, but I finally realized that was what was stopping me from moving on and letting go of an alcoholic mom and absent dad. Only took me 51 years.
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Old 06-15-2015, 02:42 AM
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I've tried but it doesn't work. Just seeing their faces in my head makes me uncomfortable. I simply cannot see my family being any different than it was/is.
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Old 06-15-2015, 09:27 AM
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Now that's interesting NWGrits, when I would fantasize that I had a real mom and dad they were NEVER the same people. I had made up people in my head that looked nothing like them LOL
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Old 06-15-2015, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by NOLAGirl View Post
Do you ever dare to imagine in your head what life would have been like if your alcoholic parent wasn't an alcoholic - Visualize in your head that a memory went differently from reality? Does anyone else that has an AM or AF do this? I'm not saying this is healthy thinking or productive (the opposite), but I'm wondering if I'm not the only one that does it.
Sort of. I can't even imagine what a good relationship with my dad would look like, or who he might have been without the booze (I'm guessing the same old ******* I knew, but with better hand-eye coordination). But when he died, I thought "man, if only he'd done this years ago!" I like to imagine growing up with just my mom and my brother, without dear old dad around. I think about it a lot, like when I'm drifting off to sleep at night.
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