abitconfused

It has been almost 3 months since I have left my ex A. He has kept the contact to strict logistics; I have struggled with not being able to verbalize to him how I felt about the ending of us. We always talked before; about everything. Now; since he relapsed and kicked me out; I just accepted it; left; not telling him how I felt! I know he isn't in a place to hear it. Our divorce will me final in 2 weeks. This has all happened so fast. I never got to tell him anything! The other night I sent him a message (when I found out from his attorney the divorce will be final in 2 weeks and told him in an email) that said "good news right?!" He said let's not go there. I felt angry. I wanted to say "yes! Let's go there! Please! I want to tell him how bad he hurt me and how does he marry me 6 months before; then kick me out and divorce me and then go on a dating site the next week looking for a relationship." I went to therapy. I responded I am happy. Seriously. He said. Why are you airing that to me? Do you feel better? I admit I wanted to try and get to him! I responded several hours later and simply said for he first time since all this happened "you hurt me." And he said "I am sorry for that. I never intended to. I hope I've helped smoothed things along the way. (He helped me financially). I was hurt as well in my own way."
I said i loved you more than anything.

That was it. 5 years over. And will be in final in weeks; I want to write a letter. I don't know if will do any good or even if I should. Thoughts?

happybeingme

What good are you hoping for? For him to say " oops my bad I want you back"? That isn't going to happen. But, if you will feel better by all means right him a letter. Just don't expect a response. Keep the letter to your feelings only and don't make accusations. It could just cause legal trouble.

AnvilheadII

there is a difference between wanting to write things out for our OWN clarity and release, and to think our words will somehow change THEM or get them to see the light.

the history with you two has not been five years of bliss. you broke up before after he pulled a gun on you. fast forward to his most recent "ditching" and i'd say he's still the same guy that you left the first time.

I think i'd be breathing a huge sigh of relief that life did for you what you were not able to do for yourself, which is to detach and separate from a dangerous, volatile man. he has shown you he is not interested in maintaining a dialogue. any letter you send will probably have negative results and could cause more problems.

if you want closure, write out your feelings, embrace and honor them and then burn or shred the letter, releasing it all.

abitconfused

It isn't that I want him to say he is sorry; and he wants me back. It's about expressing my hurt; my anger; my feelings to the outcome that I wasn't at all expecting. It hurt to have a deep attachment with him; enough to marry him in Sept; go through but so much with him; to be not good enough in his eyes at the end; to be told "I don't want to be with you,". This is something that I'm having to heal from; I never said goodbye to the man I Married.

abitconfused

You are so right. I was released from the situation that I would have never walked away from. Thank you.

abitconfused

You are right Anvilhead; I got released from a situation that I would have never walked away from more than likely. Thank you for this reminder. I need to realize he is the same person that did that me years ago.

CodeJob

I agree with Anvil's post. i agree with your need to express your loss and grief, but telling your X addict? Better off writing the letter, talking to a counselor who can keep you moving on a path of healing and have you tried Al Anon? Those rooms are likely full of people learning to live new lives...

Peace...

abitconfused

Good idea. Thank you

lillamy

You know what I did, on the advice of my therapist?

I wrote that letter. I wrote the letter where I told AXH exactly what he had done to me, how his alcoholism and abuse had affected me, what I felt, how much I had struggled and fought and begged and tried to get him to stop drinking, and how deeply hurt and pained I was, and how I wanted him to understand all of this.

And then I didn't send it.

Just writing it helped me -- it was like by putting it into words and seeing them on paper, I shrunk him into a less powerful person in my life. I needed to say those things for myself (like Anvil said) -- but sending that letter to him would have had absolutely no effect, because he was not and is not able to see that he did or has done anything wrong.

abitconfused

This is exactly what I'm going to do!! I just have to get all of it out!! He hurt me tremendously and he has moved on without looking back as they seem to all do! It is hard for normal people to understand that behavior! It still is so mind boggling.. Thanks for sharing.