tbishop1168

You'd think at 47 years old that I would know damn better!! I still just cant believe this. I've tried everything to make him stop. He doesnt ask me for anything, I always offer but he never says no! Ive tried crack once but I just dont get it.

Seren

Hello tbishop, Welcome to SR!

Well, I'm sorry you find yourself involved with an addict. It really can be frustrating and heartbreaking. Who is "he"?

I wish I could tell you some sure-fire words to say or actions to take to get him to stop taking drugs...but there are none. Please don't beat yourself up about not being able to get him to stop--only he can do that. He has to want to live a sober life more than anything else.

Also, please don't "join" him. It's not a sign of how much you love him, it's a sign of how damaged you have become by being with an active addict.

Please make yourself comfortable here. You will find tons of support!

Ann

Amen, Seren.

Welcome tbishop, please take a good read around and you will find lots of good information and shared experience that may help you understand that his addiction has nothing to do with you and that all the love in the world cannot stop him, if it could not one of us would be here.

Something that helped a lot of us find our balance was to find support meetings like Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA. These meetings are about us, not them and their substance, and they helped me find what was left of my sanity many years ago.

Hugs

JOIE12

listen to Seren and Ann - they both said it perfectly

tbishop1168

Thanks to you all. I know I should walk away its just so hard. He is such a good man and says he wants to stop using but he doesn't know how.

JOIE12

they do know how. Quit.

playing helpless keeps us hostage (by our own choice), they lie to manipulate us. to keep us 'helping'. they need our resources and telling us what we want to hear costs nothing.

it's tough to walk away but I will say that when you do, it's such a great feeling to be free of the worry and anxiety and fear.

BlueChair

Im sorry. When my husband was using when I first found out he said he was ok and would get it together and stop. He just couldnt, because he didnt know how and drugs alter the brain, alter thinking. It makes rational decision to quit feel impossible for many people even if their is genuine desire. Its not your fault, and its also not a reflection on the person he is. Check out facts about addiction, and questions answered for families at the National Institute of Drug Abuse website.

cleaninLI

I agree with Bluechair, he may want to quit but just doesn't know how. I found out I needed help, I just couldn't do it alone. But after joining an IOP, and help from my counselor, psych doctor and this site, I now have over two years off my DOC.

JOIE12

I am so happy cleaninLI, to hear that you have 2 yrs off DOC.

sometimes I lost hope and then he died. I don't wish this on anyone, either the user or the family/friends.

thank you

AnvilheadII

do NOT mess with crack. please.

it is not in your power to get him to quit. nor is it your job. there are many avenues to recovery.....but that is a choice HE would have to make.

take some steps back.....addiction is hurricane that can wreck you just as easily as the addict.

BlueChair

Im sorry for your loss Joie. My husband was in the ICU at one point, and he almost died. He got help tho through his doctor, and is ok now thankfully. Such a bad memory and I wouldnt wish the experience on anyone. ((Hugs to you)).

cleaninLI

Yes Joie I'm so very sorry for your loss! Thank you for your kind words.

mooselips

If only it were so easy as to US, making THEM stop....it just doesn't work that way.
THEY stop when the load gets too heavy, and well, truthfully, when we decide to help LESSEN that load, sometimes it just takes a little/lot longer.
Work on you, let him be him. Detach, set boundaries, do what's good for YOU.
Said with love and caring, from a MOM who's been there with 2 sons.

zoso77

I'm late reading this thread, so Welcome to the Board.

Chronological age does not necessarily translate into wisdom. Perhaps it's time to try a different approach, one that doesn't compromise you. If someone is hell bent on self destructing, there's nothing anyone of us can do about it. That's the cold, hard truth. It sucks and hurts to watch, but it is what it is.

The question you have to be able to answer honestly is what do you need to do to take care of you. And if you stick around and read as many posts as you can stomach, you'll soon get an idea of how others answered that question. It doesn't mean it'll be easy, because it's not. But what it does mean is you have a say in all of this. There's nothing that says you have to put up with this. And you don't need to give yourself permission to take care of you.

Again, Welcome to the Board.