Giving it another go...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Giving it another go...
Well I'm back. Nothing happened. I didn't hit rock bottom or injure myself or anyone else (although that's probably only a matter of time). But, since I cannot say that will happen for sure, all I can say is that nothing happened-- and see that's the problem. I'm just not able to achieve goals that I set when I'm drinking-even if the drinking isn't particularly excessive. My drinking pattern has been once or twice a week as of late. For those that are new, or that don't remember me, I was a daily drinker (never missed a day) for a couple years. My body isn't going to go back to before that. Even if I don't drink that much, I'm sick for the next few days. I've accepted that a lot of my friends can drink occasionally and be completely functional. I cannot. The pattern is getting old. I drink. Then the next 3-4 days I'm sick. I feel better again and as soon as I do, I drink again. I'm trying to figure out how to break the cycle. It's always the same, there is just this point, where the decision to drink comes into my head and it feels like it's already decided. Sometimes there is this thought stuck in limbo. I can battle with that. "Should I drink" "No I'm not" and I can usually win those. But other times the thought arises as "I'm drinking tonight." Now I know it sounds crazy. One could argue that until I take the first sip, I could always stop before that point. But I can't. I've already decided that I'm going to. It certainly feels like I'm not in control, because there is no rebuttal. The decision has been made, and once it has been, it doesn't matter if the glass is next to my lips, or hours away. Anyone ever feel this way? I think part of the reason is that I haven't really been trying to stay sober. I've just been not putting the pressure on myself. Most of the time I don't/wont drink, and then here and there. I'll drink. Getting sober is easy. Staying sober is tough, and I'm at the point where drinking nights out aren't fun for me anymore. I'm tired of playing catch up at work, at the gym, at my diet, in my social circles, because time is effectively lost from drinking (only usually 5-6 hours) but productivity is lost for DAYS. I feel like I'm constantly running on E, and trying to catch up. Everyone always likes to ask what my new plan is, or how I'm going to handle things this time around. Well the first thing is that I'm going to put my recovery over everything else. #1. Over work, over school, over friends and over family. Recovery in the past has always been like a program running in the background. #2 is that I'm going to pray. I don't like calling it that, because I don't believe in prayer, but I'm going to meditate and ask the universe and my brain to please please please to not allow the decision to drink to enter from my subconsciousness into my consciousness without my consent. Rather, let me experience the thought and make the decision consciously. (Similar to steps of AA, but my higher power is the unconscious processing of my own brain). Well that's all I have so far. I know most of the tricks and tips. I'll keep you all posted on my progress. I last drank over the weekend. So I'm just starting to feel better. Instead of drinking tonight,I'm reading and posting on SR.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,978
Serper welcome back. I hear ya. Untill we get some sober time under us it's hard to know just how much time alcohol actually effects our life even after the hangover is gone. Drinking even 1 day will put my anxiety through the roof for weeks.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
I'm glad you're committing to recovery.
thats just how your inner addict likes it. There's a million little moments between thinking about drinking, going out and getting a drink,. coming home finding a glass and opening the bottle...
at any time there, you can stop. Just because you haven;t in the past doesn't make it a truism Sperper it just means you have a specific area you can target with your recovery plan
have you heard of or used urge surfing at all?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
D
But I can't. I've already decided that I'm going to. It certainly feels like I'm not in control, because there is no rebuttal.
at any time there, you can stop. Just because you haven;t in the past doesn't make it a truism Sperper it just means you have a specific area you can target with your recovery plan
have you heard of or used urge surfing at all?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm glad you're committing to recovery.
thats just how your inner addict likes it. There's a million little moments between thinking about drinking, going out and getting a drink,. coming home finding a glass and opening the bottle...
at any time there, you can stop. Just because you haven;t in the past doesn't make it a truism Sperper it just means you have a specific area you can target with your recovery plan
have you heard of or used urge surfing at all?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
D
thats just how your inner addict likes it. There's a million little moments between thinking about drinking, going out and getting a drink,. coming home finding a glass and opening the bottle...
at any time there, you can stop. Just because you haven;t in the past doesn't make it a truism Sperper it just means you have a specific area you can target with your recovery plan
have you heard of or used urge surfing at all?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
D
Yeah between the time that I've decided and the time that I've actually drank there are many moments, none of which I could have chosen to do otherwise (i.e not drink). To say that I could have is to say that I could also be a female that lives in ukraine, or an elephant strolling through Africa, or I could be very similar to who I am now, but never had the thought to drink in the first place. I wouldn't be who I am now if I I was able to stop myself from drinking after the decision has been made. The point is that once I've decided to drink, I've never not gone through with it. Not once. To say that I'm capable of stopping myself after the decision has been made is possible, but not probable, I mean for me it has never happened. So I'm hoping by spending more time on recovery I will prevent that spontaneous decision to drink from being made in the first place...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Yeah between the time that I've decided and the time that I've actually drank there are many moments, none of which I could have chosen to do otherwise (i.e not drink). To say that I could have is to say that I could also be a female that lives in ukraine, or an elephant strolling through Africa, or I could be very similar to who I am now, but never had the thought to drink in the first place. I wouldn't be who I am now if I I was able to stop myself from drinking after the decision has been made. The point is that once I've decided to drink, I've never not gone through with it. Not once. To say that I'm capable of stopping myself after the decision has been made is possible, but not probable, I mean for me it has never happened. So I'm hoping by spending more time on recovery I will prevent that spontaneous decision to drink from being made in the first place...
Sorry Serper - I should have put some exposition in there to illustrate
I could never stop 'the roll' once it started, and I could never finish it until the last drop was drunk.
I was like that for 20 years.
I joined SR in 2007 and a few months in, I had a really bad day - the autopilot took over and I walked to my local bottlo.
On the way back I began to remember all the posts I'd read and all the advice given to me, and the advice I'd given to others - and I dumped the bottle in the trash.
I'd learned a new skill. I'd changed.
The moral is just because you've never done it before doesn't mean you can't learn to do it now.
I really believe we're all capable of that
D
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 562
My drinking pattern was similar....drink for 1 day sick and unproductive for 3. I used to say "I'm thirsty" to describe my overwhelming desire to drink. I'm learning as I go along here ...... I also am able to stop drinking but I could never stay stopped ...... I now believe I was suffering from paws......and I too am using this site as my primary support to stay sober.....so far so good. 45 days
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 30
I can relate to all of that. I just slipped up and its like I'm watching myself walk into the liquor store, I know where it ends me every time (a days long binder) but I do it anyway. It is a psychological battle. I think it's crazy how low, spiritually devoid I feel after a long binder and how I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Then once I sober up and start feeling better it's like "oh I can tough it out again" but I feel like death. this lifestyle is getting so old. I am sick of the person I turn into when I drink. it's almost demonic. I want a better life
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 155
Wow Serper, that is exactly how I am. It's like you took the words right out of my brain...especially this part:
"My drinking pattern has been once or twice a week as of late. For those that are new, or that don't remember me, I was a daily drinker (never missed a day) for a couple years. My body isn't going to go back to before that. Even if I don't drink that much, I'm sick for the next few days. I've accepted that a lot of my friends can drink occasionally and be completely functional. I cannot. The pattern is getting old. I drink. Then the next 3-4 days I'm sick. I feel better again and as soon as I do, I drink again. I'm trying to figure out how to break the cycle. It's always the same, there is just this point, where the decision to drink comes into my head and it feels like it's already decided. Sometimes there is this thought stuck in limbo. I can battle with that. "Should I drink" "No I'm not" and I can usually win those. But other times the thought arises as "I'm drinking tonight." Now I know it sounds crazy. One could argue that until I take the first sip, I could always stop before that point. But I can't. I've already decided that I'm going to. It certainly feels like I'm not in control, because there is no rebuttal. The decision has been made, and once it has been, it doesn't matter if the glass is next to my lips, or hours away. Anyone ever feel this way? I think part of the reason is that I haven't really been trying to stay sober. I've just been not putting the pressure on myself. Most of the time I don't/wont drink, and then here and there. I'll drink. Getting sober is easy. Staying sober is tough, and I'm at the point where drinking nights out aren't fun for me anymore. I'm tired of playing catch up at work, at the gym, at my diet, in my social circles, because time is effectively lost from drinking (only usually 5-6 hours) but productivity is lost for DAYS. I feel like I'm constantly running on E, and trying to catch up."
"My drinking pattern has been once or twice a week as of late. For those that are new, or that don't remember me, I was a daily drinker (never missed a day) for a couple years. My body isn't going to go back to before that. Even if I don't drink that much, I'm sick for the next few days. I've accepted that a lot of my friends can drink occasionally and be completely functional. I cannot. The pattern is getting old. I drink. Then the next 3-4 days I'm sick. I feel better again and as soon as I do, I drink again. I'm trying to figure out how to break the cycle. It's always the same, there is just this point, where the decision to drink comes into my head and it feels like it's already decided. Sometimes there is this thought stuck in limbo. I can battle with that. "Should I drink" "No I'm not" and I can usually win those. But other times the thought arises as "I'm drinking tonight." Now I know it sounds crazy. One could argue that until I take the first sip, I could always stop before that point. But I can't. I've already decided that I'm going to. It certainly feels like I'm not in control, because there is no rebuttal. The decision has been made, and once it has been, it doesn't matter if the glass is next to my lips, or hours away. Anyone ever feel this way? I think part of the reason is that I haven't really been trying to stay sober. I've just been not putting the pressure on myself. Most of the time I don't/wont drink, and then here and there. I'll drink. Getting sober is easy. Staying sober is tough, and I'm at the point where drinking nights out aren't fun for me anymore. I'm tired of playing catch up at work, at the gym, at my diet, in my social circles, because time is effectively lost from drinking (only usually 5-6 hours) but productivity is lost for DAYS. I feel like I'm constantly running on E, and trying to catch up."
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